The caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland asks Alice a very important question, “Who are you?” Alice can’t answer him. She doesn’t know who she is. Alice has experienced so many changes that she is no longer sure of anything.
I’ve asked people this same question. Their answers reveal a lot about what is important and what fuels their drive. Some people define themselves by their social roles (spouse, parent, friend), while other people define themselves by their career or interests. Most people don’t answer the question with statements of belief or value. How you answer the question can help you figure out a little more about yourself, including why you feel the way you do about your current situation.
Backward Logic: Have, Do, Be
Have you ever thought about the way most people approach their goals? I think about it all the time. I wonder why some people are able to achieve their goals with ease, but other people struggle to achieve any goals. I used to struggle with achieving goals. It was hard to set a goal and stick with it. I also struggled with what to do after I achieved a goal. Typically, I started planning my next goal as soon as the current goal was in sight. This kept me stuck in a cycle of constant striving without enjoying any sense of accomplishment.
After a lot of reading and thinking, I’ve started to believe that maybe we’ve been going at this the wrong way. Most people who struggle to achieve goals think they need to have something specific in order to finally be whatever it is they think they want to be.
The backward logic usually looks something like this: I want to have this thing, so I can do that, then I will be this.
I have done this many times with health, education, parenting, marriage, etc. I used to think I had to have all of the best parenting books and do all of the right things so that I would be a great mom. Do you know what I realized? My kids will love me regardless of what I do. I still want to do the best I can for my children, but my energy is no longer invested in learning all the right skills and doing all the right things. Now I am focused on being the best version of myself that I can be because I know that my daily actions and loving presence are more valuable than any parenting strategy.
Most recently, I thought I wanted to be a full-time college professor because I wanted to be more involved in research. I love to read research studies and apply them to everyday life. My love of research is part of the reason that I started this blog. I also enjoy asking questions and searching for answers. To me, that is the essence of research.
My backward logic was that I wanted to have the job, so I could read, apply, and conduct research studies, and then I would be more involved in research. That makes sense on the surface, but there’s another way to approach the situation.
Forward Logic: Am, Do, Have
Starting with the level of identity, we can quickly shift the process. Knowing who you are, including your gifts, strengths, and weaknesses allows you to move forward from where you are. It can be challenging to figure out who you really are in the sea of cultural expectations and media messages. Once you wade through all the noise, you can discover your own unique set of gifts and skills. But, you have to take time for self-awareness and self-reflection.
Here is the framework for this different kind of logic: I am this, so I will do this, and I will naturally have this.
In my situation, I flipped the process. I realized that I am involved in research now. I read and apply research studies while continuing my full-time school psychologist and part-time professor roles. Sometimes I get to research educational trends, such as meditation and resilience. I also try to stay up to date with the latest research on educational technology, Socratic questioning, and interactive teaching. I use this knowledge to become better at what I am already doing. Thinking about my current work in this way is similar to what Amy Wrzesniewski calls job crafting. She talks about ways to find purpose and meaning in any job.
This way of looking at the situation is powerful. With this view, I have the ability to see options that were previously outside my awareness. When I thought I had to have a specific job in order to do the things I wanted to do, I was a little frustrated. Now, I see more possibilities to use my interest in research to improve my performance in all areas.
I also have the freedom to choose my career path based on who I am and what I enjoy doing, rather than letting my preconceived idea of a job dictate my future.
Lessons Learned
I am still working through all of the implications of looking at life and goals this way. It’s very different from the typical goal-setting, constant achievement push that is so common in our world. So far, I’ve learned a few things:
- “Who are you?” is a very important question. Most other factors rest on your understanding of your identity.
- Achieving goals won’t necessarily give you happiness, or whatever else you thought you wanted.
- Getting clear on the reason you want to achieve a goal can make a huge difference.
- It is possible to make small changes in order to experience a greater sense of purpose and meaning in any job.
- Sometimes the things that seem counterintuitive are the things you need to do first.
Are you ready to turn some of your logic around? Are you at the point where trying something new seems like the next right step? Coaching could help you clarify your identity, understand your goals, and figure out how to reach them.
