Tag: behavior change

Categories
Thoughts on Change

Two paths diverged: How we break habits

What does Robert Frost’s poem have to do with Hebb’s rule and classical conditioning? Funny you should ask. Let me explain…

Image result for two paths diverged in a yellow wood

Habits, good and bad, can be thought of as classically conditioned responses to stimuli. What does that mean? It means that when you smell food, your brain is triggered to find and eat the food. It also means that over time these responses become automatic. The space between your encounter with the smell of the food and your behavior of putting the food in your mouth becomes shorter. Not you? Are you sure? Have you ever found yourself opening the bag of chips and wonder how that happened? Maybe your habit is something different. The point is the same. Something inside or outside triggers us and we engage in a routine behavior without much thought. This is the essence of classical conditioning.

When I think of classical conditioning, I can’t help but think about Hebb’s rule: neurons that fire together, wire together. It’s true. The more two things are paired, the stronger the association becomes. It’s also true that when we intentionally stop pairing them the association weakens.

If you read my bio, you know that I love to go hiking. You may not know that I prefer to hike the paths that fewer people have taken. I want to see and experience things that most people haven’t seen. That desire drives me to hike steep mountains over treacherous terrain. I’m not an athlete. I’m not really even in the best shape. I just have a desire to see as much of God’s handiwork as I can see during my lifetime.

You may be wondering how this relates to classical conditioning. Well, here’s my attempt to make it plain. When you have a choice between two options: drink alcohol or abstain; use drugs or abstain; eat unhealthy food or choose a healthy option; etc., the most common previous choice is the one you are most likely to choose. That is the path you see on the left side of the picture above. It is the wider path, having been traveled many times before. It didn’t start out that way though. All hiking trails started out as narrow paths through unknown territory. In fact, long ago, that’s how roads were created. Over time, the path became wider as it was traveled more often. The same thing happens with neural connections (habit patterns) in the brain. The more often we can choose the path less traveled, the easier it will be to travel down that path in the future.

If we want to find and break unhealthy habits, we must look for and travel the road less taken. We must also take the time to slowly build new habits. After all these years of hearing and reading Frost’s poem, did you ever imagine it could be used to talk about habits of behavior? I suppose someone did, but this is a new idea for me.

Categories
Passion & Purpose Thoughts on Change

Speaking My Truth

Ryran keeps telling me that I have to write a book to explain what has changed in me over the past year. He talks to other political figures and business leaders who complain about going to functions alone because their spouses are very uncomfortable in social situations. I get it. People who are naturally social want to help their loved ones feel more comfortable around crowds.

I thought he might be on to something. I know I’ve changed a lot in a short period of time. I’m much more comfortable in social situations, sometimes too comfortable. I feel like I can speak my truth, even if others don’t agree or won’t like it.

The best part for me is that I sleep well knowing that I have shown up in the world as me. Whether people like me or not is their issue. I decided that I have to look in the mirror each morning and be comfortable with the fact that I am the same person in any situation. I am a congruent, whole, unique individual.

As much as I value my husband’s guidance, it really hit home when I was called into the Principal’s Office. Oh my! I never got in trouble in school, but sitting in that office used to make me very nervous, until about a year ago.

The Principal asked me outright about the changes in my personality. I thought about it for a few minutes and then I shared a couple of experiences that led up to the current version of Jessica.

My plan is to share those in more detail over the next few posts. Here is a very brief outline of what’s to come.

  • I started using Holosync, binaural beats audio for an hour every morning.
  • My OCU students told me that 50 is the best age to be. I decided not to wait until then.
  • I watched all of my communication (internal and external) and looked for my hidden beliefs.
  • I spent some time exploring my shadow aspects and the exiled parts of myself.
  • I determined what my core values were and got rid of the beliefs that did not align with those values.
  • I purposely changed the beliefs and behaviors that did not serve my ultimate life philosophy.
  • I studied NLP and became a Super Psych Ninja.
  • I decided that all people are just people, regardless of their position or title.
  • I learned that being called Dr. Traylor does not erase the normal human insecurities and doubts that every person faces.
  • I cut my hair.

If you’re dying to know more before I have a chance to write about these life lessons, feel free to contact me. Sharing my story helps me clarify the gaps.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I know there are plenty of other things you could be doing.

Categories
Awareness & Perception

Which Weeds Are You Watering?

IMG_1702

Which weeds are you watering? Notice the wording of the question. It doesn’t ask if you are watering weeds. The question assumes that you are watering weeds. It doesn’t imply that you should or shouldn’t be watering weeds. That is up to you to figure out. The question simply asks for awareness of, and self-reflection on, what you are watering.

We all water weeds, both in our gardens and in our lives.

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to have more time than you do? How can they work fulltime, attend their kids’ games, and still find time to take care of their physical and mental health? How do they run a company, help their kids with homework, teach Sunday school, and still make it to the gym?

Best of all, how do they do all of this without losing their peace of mind and even staying calm in the chaos of life? 

It’s easy to see that we all have 24 hours each day, but some people seem to be able to stretch those hours. That’s because these people have figured out how to stop watering the weeds. 

They spend their time and energy on the things that matter.

I recently watched The Art of Stopping Time by Pedram Shojai. It was a short video packed with a ton of wisdom. During the first 10-15 minutes of the video, Shojai relates our lives to a garden. In this analogy, he talks about the importance of identifying which five plants we really want in our garden and which weeds we keep watering.

This concept of the life garden (along with many, many other insightful concepts) is included on his website, podcast, and book: The Urban Monk.

One of the benefits of teaching Introduction to Psychology is that I get to touch on many interesting topics. There are many ways to address the ideas of consciousness and attention. Keeping in mind that one of my goals as an educator is to provide my students with things they can apply to daily life, I asked them to consciously consider how they spend their time and energy.

Many of my students are still trying to figure out how to balance the new freedom of college with the concept of deadlines. They struggle to understand why they can’t really multitask even though they think they should be able to. Some of them don’t know where their time goes each day. Now that I write it out, that sounds a lot like many adults I know, except for the “new freedom” part.

Anyway, as usual, I was impressed with their responses. They could clearly articulate what was important in their lives. They talked openly about the unnecessary things they continued to spend time and energy on. Honestly, my students gave most of the same answers that I would have given.

The most insightful part was our discussion about what to do about this new self-discovery. It’s one thing to acknowledge what is important and admit that you are not as focused on those things as you would like to be. It is an entirely different thing to be able to articulate and execute a plan to close the gap.

As you look over their list, think about your own life garden.

Top 10 Plants – Important to Us

  1. Family
  2. School
  3. Friends
  4. Work
  5. Spiritual
  6. Sports/Exercise
  7. Self-care
  8. Happiness
  9. Health
  10. Responsibilities

Top 10 Weeds – Waste of Time/Energy

  1. Social Media
  2. Phone
  3. Stress/Anxiety/Overthinking
  4. TV/Movies
  5. Procrastination
  6. Shopping
  7. Sugar
  8. Social Activities
  9. Multitasking
  10. Saying “yes” to Everything

So, what’s the solution?

The first step is self-reflection. We need to reflect on what is truly important. Whatever they are, it’s your life, they’re your priorities. Maybe they aren’t the same as someone else’s. That’s fine. After all, you are the one who will answer for your life choices.

Next, we have to take an honest look at our lives and see where our time and energy are going. This doesn’t have to be a minute-by-minute accounting ledger. It can be as easy as looking back over the day to see what you actually spent time doing or thinking about.

Then, we need to assess whether or not our time and energy are going toward the things that we identified as priorities. This is probably the easiest part of the entire process. I said it was important, and either I did it or I didn’t.

Now, here comes the hard part. This is where we figure out how to stop watering the weeds and start focusing on what’s important. For some people, it will be as easy as deleting some apps on their phones. For others, it might mean scheduling time for the things that are important…and actually sticking to it.

Here are a couple of self-reflection questions that have helped me.

  • Based on Shojai’s analogy, which five plants do you want in your garden? How much time and energy do those five plants need?
  • What weeds do you continue to water?
  • Why do you continue to water each of these weeds? What needs do they fulfill? Do they provide you with companionship, belonging, safety, or love? Or do they simply serve as a distraction from the hard work of life?
  • Can you think of an easy way to hold yourself accountable?
  • Do you journal? Maybe a daily journal practice will help keep account of your time and energy.
  • Could these priorities be written as goals?
  • Do you keep track of progress toward your goals?
  • How can saying yes to one thing mean saying no to other things?
  • How does all of this relate to procrastination and prioritization?

If you are concerned about the time you spend on social media or your phone, try downloading an app to help monitor your usage. Two apps that I know of are Moment and BreakFree. Who knows, getting a handle on this one area may help control the growth of the other weeds like stress, procrastination, and multitasking.

If you are interested in learning more about how to stop time, click on the link to register for access to the free video by Pedram Shojai: http://urltag.net/BqnhV

Categories
Awareness & Perception

Four Tips for Riding the Wave of “13 Reasons Why”

message-in-a-bottle-1694868_960_720

If you haven’t seen or heard of 13 Reasons Why, chances are you haven’t talked to enough teenagers over the past few weeks. This series, based on the book by Jay Asher, has become a powerful force in the lives of our young people. They are watching it, reading it, and talking about it. It is up to us, the adults, to guide this force toward good.

Take the expert guidance with a grain of salt

There have been numerous experts offering guidance about what we should do with all of the conversation around 13 Reasons Why. Some people are afraid of showing young people the reality of substance use, sexual assault, and suicide. Unfortunately, our young people already know this reality better than we do. Other people are upset that counselors are not portrayed in a positive light. Again, unfortunately, the reality is that not all counselors are sensitive to the subtle changes and signs in the young people they work with.

We need to remember that these experts have their own agendas. Some people avoid these conversations because of their own discomfort around mental health. Other people avoid the conversations because it’s easier to ignore something than to do anything about it.

Have the courage to engage in the conversation

So, what can we do? We can be prepared to have the difficult conversations around theses topics. We can even start these conversations if we are brave enough.

My plan was to engage adults around these topics to encourage others to talk to the young people under their guidance. I wasn’t actually planning to have one of these conversations in a large group setting. As life goes, my plans were subject to revision based on the needs of the people in front of me.

I went to class last week, planning to talk about therapy. It was the last night of my Intro to Psychology class. My PowerPoint and discussion questions were all ready to go. I even had a role play planned to highlight the process of active listening. As I started class, I asked my students how they were doing and if they had any questions about the reading.

My quiet class, the one that doesn’t talk very much, started with, “Can we talk about Hannah Baker?” I’m not sure how it would have gone if I didn’t know anything about Hannah Baker. Fortunately, I did. Of course, I was not really prepared to have a class discussion about Hannah Baker, but it seemed like something I could easily relate back to the topic of therapy.

Be prepared with a couple of talking points

Without giving you a play-by-play transcript of the discussion, I want to offer some tips about the topics that seem to be of interest.

Who is to blame for Hannah Baker’s suicide?

Students wanted to talk about what each character could have done differently. They all seemed to have a favorite character who shouldn’t have done something or should have done something. The person they didn’t focus on was Hannah Baker. Students seemed to understand that she was ultimately responsible for her own death, but needed guidance to talk about how she could have progressed through the series of events in a slightly different way.

What can you do to be a friend to someone who is hurting?

The goal of talking about blame is to point out that no one, in particular, is to blame. On the other hand, everyone played a role and could have played their role differently. There is great power in being a friend to someone in need. There is also power in listening attentively and watching closely when someone comes to you for help.

How are guilt and shame a part of this picture?

On the subject of blame, a related topic of shame played a huge role in Hannah’s suicide. From the initial picture that was sent around the school to the missed opportunity to save her friend from rape, Hannah experienced a lot of guilt and shame. Talking about these experiences is one way to alleviate the impact of guilt and shame.

How can we have honest conversations about difficult subjects?

When we can have conversations about things that hurt us or things we could have done differently, we find out that we are not alone. Everyone has done things they regret. Being honest enough to talk about these things could give a young person just enough mental and emotional space to reach out for help.

What if you just can’t have the conversation?

This series has the power to change the mental health landscape if we harness it and direct it in the right way. If you can’t have this conversation, but know it’s needed, reach out to someone who can. Find a counselor, psychologist, or another brave soul to talk to the young people you are responsible for guiding.

If we don’t harness the power of this movement and ride out this wave with them it may not have the positive impact that it could. In fact, it could actually lead to increased misunderstanding around mental health. Our young people could be left more confused than they are now. It’s up to us to guide the direction of this conversation from a place of greater perspective and deeper wisdom. Let’s not miss this valuable opportunity.

 

Categories
Thoughts on Change

Ignorance Is Bliss, … Until It Isn’t 

thought-2123971_960_720

Do you remember the last time you tried to learn something new? Chances are you went through a typical process: you realized that what you were doing wasn’t working and you needed to do something different, you struggled for a while, and then finally it all came together.

The realization that you got it, that it all makes sense, is an amazing feeling! And as a professor, I get to see this happen all the time. Thankfully, I still get to have my own AHA moments too!

The Bliss of Ignorance

Just like everyone else, my students start out not knowing what they don’t know. In all honesty, this is a nice place to be sometimes because it allows you to keep doing the same things you’ve always done.

If you’re like me, you wonder what’s wrong. Maybe you even try to rationalize why you keep doing the same things even though you keep getting the same results.

At this point, we may not even know that there is a better way to do something because we’ve never seen or tried a better way. As the old saying goes, “ignorance is bliss”… until it isn’t.

Waking Up

Then, we move to the point where we realize that there is a gap in the knowledge. From my perspective, this is similar to waking up in the morning and feeling a little groggy. Learning to see things differently can be a little disorienting at first, but our brains are fully capable of reorganizing to understand new things.

Accepting that there is something we don’t know, that maybe we should know, and maybe it could even make our life better, is very frustrating for most people. We want to feel like we know whatever we need to know because that makes us feel good about ourselves. And we know we’re smart enough to learn what we need to know.

At this point, the frustration can lead to resistance. That’s normal because it means that our perspective will have to change to incorporate this new information into our worldview, and more importantly, our daily lives.

Sitting With Discomfort

Being able to witness someone understand a new concept for the first time is one of the best parts of teaching and coaching.

My students have described my class as a laid-back atmosphere where you can have deep conversations while you learn. At first, I was a little offended by the “laid-back” part. Aren’t college classrooms supposed to be highly structured, even rigid? Isn’t the professor supposed to stand in the front of the room and lecture while the students take notes?

I’m not that kind of teacher. After working through my assumptions and beliefs about teaching, I realized that my teaching style is in line with my beliefs. If you’ve read any of my other posts you understand why this belief alignment was an important process for me to work through.

I know that these AHA moments are rare when we are experiencing a lot of stress. In times of stress, our brain is primarily focused on keeping us safe and alive. We may even sabotage our efforts in order to maintain the comfortable status quo.

My students experience a lot of stress outside of the classroom, and they have the stress of learning new and challenging material. My delivery of the material can be the bridge that provides support through the process.

I operate the same way when I coach people. We start where we are, decide where we want to go, and explore the space in between. My focus is on getting people the best results they want to achieve with the least resistance and stress possible.

Putting it All Together

Eventually, the new learning takes shape. With practice, things that just didn’t make sense, finally come together.

After you step outside of your current view, you can see the issue from a whole new perspective. Suddenly, things become integrated, no longer in disconnected, chaotic pieces. At that point, it’s not possible to go back to seeing the world the way you did before.

That is the definition of learning. True learning is the incorporation of new knowledge that leads to permanent changes in thought and behavior.

Categories
Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

Confirmation Bias: The Power of Our Beliefs

Why take the time to figure out what we believe? Whether we are aware of them or not, our beliefs about a specific area can greatly impact the assumptions that support those beliefs and the values we hold that are based on those beliefs.

Our beliefs guide our thoughts and behaviors. We tend to look for or create situations that support what we believe to be true.

Just think about everyone’s favorite blue donkey, Eeyore. He seemed to always find himself in the worst situations. Do you remember all those times when it only rained on him?

BeFunky Design

Sometimes I have all the best intentions but then fall back into an old habit. Usually, that happens when I have an underlying limiting belief about what I can or can’t do. When I think about my assumptions and beliefs, I can begin to see how I could be unconsciously sabotaging my own efforts.

Acknowledging and analyzing beliefs can help us figure out several things. For now, let’s focus on these two:

  • why we aren’t consistently doing the things we want to do
  • why we continue to do things we don’t want to do

Henry Ford said it best when he said, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t. You’re right.” Are there things that you believe you can or can’t do? Maybe you tried something one time and it didn’t go very well. Or maybe you thought about doing something different, but were told that you couldn’t do it. No matter how these limiting beliefs developed, now is a good time to reassess their truth and usefulness.

“Can”s and “Can’t”s: Internalized Beliefs

I have worked with many people who believe they can’t control their eating. They generally think that they are too weak or too emotional to choose the right food for their body. Usually, these limiting beliefs are related to their faulty assumptions about themselves, others, and/or the world.

Through individual coaching, I work with people to acknowledge and analyze their faulty assumptions and limiting beliefs. What I have seen is that people tend to pay attention to experiences that support what they already believe.

Science backs this up with studies about belief perseverance and the confirmation bias. Basically, these studies show that we more easily see things that are in line with our current beliefs.

Think about a time when you were in a really good mood. Maybe you woke up feeling energized, had the perfect cup of coffee, and got to work without struggling or rushing. However you achieved it, you were experiencing a higher than normal level of happiness. You probably noticed more people smiling at you. You might have even seen and taken advantage of additional opportunities that would increase your happiness. Maybe you noticed that the other drivers on the road were much more courteous to you.

Chances are, the external world was just the same as it has always been. The only difference was your perspective, which was based on your current filter of happiness.

This works the same with other things we believe about the world. If we believe that we can’t control our eating behavior, then we will see the world in a way that supports this belief. When we encounter a situation where we are tempted, we will fall back on habitual patterns instead of remembering the reasons we are choosing a different option. If we really believe that we can’t control our eating behavior, we may not even see the other options that are available to us.

If we believe that our current behaviors are protecting us or serving us in some way, we will continue to engage in those behaviors. There is a hidden logic to the way our brains work to protect us from perceived danger. Figuring out how you are unconsciously fulfilling your beliefs can make this hidden logic visible. Once you are aware of these beliefs, you are free to choose whether or not they need to be changed.

Acknowledging Our Beliefs

I believe that we can all choose to do things that are good for us. Acknowledging our beliefs is a good place to start. Once we know what we believe, we can test to see if those beliefs are true and helpful. We can also try out new beliefs that might be more productive.

Learning to let go of limiting beliefs is one of the keys to making positive changes and maintaining our motivation when it gets hard. If you want to explore your limiting beliefs, pick one thing that is not working well and explore your beliefs in that area. Watch your thoughts and behaviors in that specific area of your life.

These self-reflection questions are similar to the questions about faulty assumptions. The main difference is that we are now focusing on what you believe to be true, rather than what you assume that you, others, or the world should be or do. Beliefs are generally based on assumptions.

If you want to explore your limiting beliefs, ask yourself these questions:

  • Are there any patterns in my language that demonstrate what I believe? What do I repeatedly say to myself? What do I repeatedly say to others?
  • What are my “can”s, and “can’t”s?
  • Are these beliefs always true?
  • Are these beliefs currently helpful and productive?
  • What assumptions are holding up these beliefs? Are these assumptions still true, helpful, and productive?
  • Is there one belief that I could shift to something more helpful and productive?
  • What can I try over the next week that might allow me to see beyond my limiting beliefs?

Hopefully, these self-reflection questions will provide some insight about how limiting beliefs (and the underlying assumptions) contribute to our thoughts and behaviors.

Categories
Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

When you assume, you make…

When you assume, you make…

We all know how that statement usually ends, but do you know why assumptions are so important to our daily lives? The assumptions we hold about ourselves, others, and the world can make or break our efforts to live an authentic life and be the best version of ourselves that we can be. These assumptions also serve as the support structure for our beliefs and values. Starting with our assumptions, we can effectively shift our beliefs and values to more successfully support our goals.

Quotefancy-908914-3840x2160

Have you ever asked yourself why you keep doing things that don’t move you in the direction of your goals? Sometimes I find myself stuck in a cycle of thinking about what I should or shouldn’t be thinking or doing. Or worse, thinking about what others should or shouldn’t be doing. This may seem like a productive thing to do, but it actually drains all of the energy that I could be using to create the outcomes I want.

There are ways to keep moving in a positive direction, starting with understanding our faulty assumptions. Once we understand ourselves a little more, we can more easily choose to see things differently and respond in a more helpful, productive way.

“Should”s and “Shouldn’t”s: Faulty Assumptions 

Our past experiences help us develop assumptions about ourselves, others, and the world in general. Some of these assumptions are adaptive and helpful. For instance, many people have learned that they should get up and go to work each day. That is helpful because (in the best situations) work makes you feel good about your contribution to the world, encourages personal growth, and allows you to pay your bills. Other assumptions are not as helpful and actually keep us stuck in dysfunctional thought processes.

Media Messages

For example, let’s think about the media messages regarding what it means to be a woman in today’s world. We are taught that women should be beautiful (but make it look effortless), submissive (but be able to stand on our own), smart (but not smarter than others), compassionate (but hold ourselves to a standard of perfection), and employed (but also take care of the family and home). It is almost impossible to balance all of these shoulds and maintain any sense of being centered and calm, much less live from a place that feels authentic.

I am sure there are plenty of other shoulds that our young women today have internalized from the popular culture. You can probably think of a much longer list than this one. For example, my daughter “should” be a straight “A” student and a superstar athlete.

If like my daughter, you have tried to master several domains, you are aware of how difficult it can be to give 100% in every area of life. Learning who we are, living from our authentic self, and practicing self-compassion can help keep things in balance.

I don’t mean to leave out the men. I know they receive cultural messages and have internalized faulty assumptions too. If you are male or have important men in your life, you can probably recognize some of the shoulds that they are expected to uphold…men should be strong (but also sensitive), hardworking (but also available for the family), independent (but just needy enough to build relationships), and powerful (but also protective of others). Again, this balance is almost impossible without a stable base of self-knowledge from which to live an authentic life.

Family and Friends

These media messages aren’t the only place (or even the first place) where we learn cultural standards that can lead to faulty assumptions. We can also internalize them from our family and friends.

Some of these assumptions come from things we learned during our childhood. During the first few years of life, we are dependent on our parents for everything. Our parents are responsible for keeping us alive and teaching us how to interact with the world.

If we have parents who are responsive and caring, we tend to learn that the world is a safe place where our needs can be met. If on the other hand, we have parents who are abusive or neglectful, then we tend to learn that the world is not a safe place. We may even come to believe that we have to always keep our guard up or that everyone is out to get us.

I know that some psychologists have been criticized for blaming everything on parents, but there is no way around the fact that our parents are the primary influence during our early development. In fact, childhood trauma is highly correlated with mental health and physical health, even into adulthood.

I am not saying that we can blame all of our bad habits on our parents. What I am saying is that when we can recognize these influences, then we can take responsibility for our current thoughts and behaviors.

Moving beyond the early influence of parents, we also learn some of our assumptions from interacting with our friends and acquaintances.

Think about a time when you received praise for doing something well or achieving a major goal. Maybe you spent a lot of time and effort working on your physical beauty through eating healthy and exercising. If you were repeatedly praised for these improvements, you may have internalized the message that you should be beautiful or thin in order to be worthy of love (or praise, or admiration, or acceptance, etc.).

Testing Our Assumptions

Basing our worth on fulfilling faulty assumptions is a dangerous way to live. It’s also a very tentative way of understanding our place in the world. Without self-knowledge, we are floating in the wind, going whichever way the winds of life blow us. We are left without a stable base from which to interact with the world.

Exploring our assumptions is a good way to gain self-knowledge. If you want to explore your faulty assumptions, try watching your thought patterns and habitual behaviors in a specific area of your life. Pick one area that is not working well and explore your assumptions in that area. Ask yourself these questions:

  • What messages have I received from the media about this area of life?
  • What are my “should”s and “shouldn’t”s about myself, others, and the world?
  • Complete this statement: In order to be worthy, I should…
  • Complete this statement: In order to be worthy, I shouldn’t…
  • What childhood experiences might be related to these faulty assumptions?
  • Were there times in my life where these assumptions were helpful or protective?
  • Are there any patterns in my language that could reveal my assumptions? What do I repeatedly say to myself? What do I repeatedly say to others?
  • Are these assumptions always true?
  • Have there been times when I didn’t follow these assumptions? How did it work out?

Hopefully, these self-reflection questions will provide you with some insight about how your faulty assumptions are contributing to your current thoughts and behaviors.

If you need individual guidance, contact me.

Categories
Awareness & Perception Mindfulness & Peacefulness

Being Gentle with Emotions

Is “sangry” a word? It depends on who you ask. My Gordon students and I decided that if “hangry” could be an adjective and “Google” could be a verb, then “sangry” should have a place at the table too. 

I needed this word a few days ago. I just could not figure out how I felt about a situation. Sometimes I witness situations that leave me feeling confused. This was one of those situations. Eventually, I decided that I was both sad and angry. 

emotions-1988745_960_720

CDC and ACEs

A few years ago, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) studied the impact of adverse childhood events (ACEs) on health. So, what are these ACEs? In short, ACEs are traumatic events. The CDC looked at instances of physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, parental divorce, parental mental health, parental substance abuse, and parental incarceration. I think we could all agree that those would be considered traumatic events. Unfortunately, they are all too common.

Think about your own past. How many ACEs do you think you experienced growing up? If you are a teacher, think about the things that some of your more challenging students have experienced. Chances are, the ones who are the most difficult have experienced the most trauma through exposure to ACEs.

The CDC found that more than half of their sample experienced at least one ACE. Almost 25% had experienced three or more ACEs. They also found that people who experienced more ACEs also had more obesity, mental health issues, smoking, heart disease, liver disease, suicide attempts, and more.

ACEs and Thinking

When we are constantly exposed to traumatic experiences, our brains learn to operate in survival mode. Our amygdala is the part of the brain that is naturally alert to any sign of danger, but trauma exaggerates this natural protection response.

Think about the last time you were watching a scary movie. If someone touched you on your shoulder or knocked on the door, you probably jumped, or maybe you even screamed. Now, imagine if you walked around in that hyper-alert state all the time. That would make life a little more challenging, wouldn’t it?

Another challenge with operating in survival mode is that it diverts brain energy away from the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain that we use to think through things, plan our responses, monitor our behaviors, and delay gratification.

All of these functions are necessary to be successful in our daily lives. Unfortunately, when we are hijacked by the amygdala, our brains have a hard time doing anything besides focusing on keeping us safe and alive.

A Gentle Response

Knowing all this, how do we respond to people who are suffering from the effects of trauma or ACEs? Approaching the situation with gentleness seems like a good start.

Think about the last time you were upset, I mean really upset. Maybe you were very angry or frustrated or just extremely overwhelmed. Were you able to think rationally? Were you able to process the “if, then” statements or rational justifications from the people around you? Probably not. Most likely, you needed compassion first.

Being gentle with someone who is upset takes patience and compassion. In order to do this, we have to be able to take a step back and see the situation from their perspective. That’s not always easy to do, especially in the busyness of daily life. It can help to remember that they are probably confused, afraid, and extremely stressed.

Once the person is calm, then they can understand more rational logic. That’s when they can think about their actions and the consequences. While they are still upset, the only thing they can do is attempt to protect themselves, in whatever way they have learned. By balancing compassion and consequences, we can begin to help people move forward in a more resourceful manner.

So, from my perspective, my first goal when working with someone who is upset is to help them calm down. I will get on their level and ask them to breathe with me. I might even gently touch their hand or shoulder. I will definitely make sure my facial expression and tone of voice demonstrate compassion. Once they can think and speak clearly, I will use those fabulous active listening strategies. It takes a little extra effort to engage this way, but it’s worth it in the end.

 

 

Categories
Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

Dynamic Values: Figuring Out What You Want

business-1869266_960_720

It’s pretty easy to set a goal. There are strategies for how to set the best kind of SMART goals. There are even techniques for monitoring your progress. The hard part seems to be staying on track after the initial excitement and motivation wear off.

Linking Values and Goals

Figuring out what you really want can help you keep moving in the right direction. In my opinion, the best way to set a goal is to ask yourself why you want that outcome in the first place. For example, I could say that my goal is to meditate daily for 10 minutes for the next 30 days. Here’s how the internal dialogue would go…

Well, why do I want that? I want to relieve stress.

And, what would that do for me? I would be happier and more peaceful.

Why do I want to be happier and more peaceful? I want to show up as the best version of myself.

And, what is important about being the best version of me? I want to offer my best to those around me.

So, there we have it. The true value behind my goal is a combination of authenticity and contribution. Thinking about these values, I can agree that these are two of my core values. It is very important to me to live in accordance with who I truly am and to give something positive to those around me.

Living Your Values

Knowing why I really want to meditate can encourage me to do it, even when I might not feel like I have time. Linking your core values to your goals is one of the keys to maintaining motivation toward achieving your goals. You could even try writing your goals in a way that includes your values. For instance, I could say, “I will meditate 10 minutes a day because I value authenticity and contribution.”

Acknowledging my core values could also give me some other ideas about small changes that I could make to more fully live in accordance with these values. In fact, these values are part of the reason that I decided to write a blog. There are plenty of other ways to live out these core values.

So far, I have found that the more I live in accordance with my values, the happier and more fulfilled I feel. This is one of the strategies I used when trying to work through my weight loss journey.

Finding Your Values

There are tons of values inventories available online. Most of them encourage you to identify your core values for life in general. In working with people, it seems that their values are different in each area of life. If you are interested in exploring your values, I suggest starting with one area of your life. To ease into this, you could start with the area that is working well.

If you are the happiest and most fulfilled in your home life, think about what is important to you about your home life. What do you value the most in that setting or those relationships? Ask the “why” questions a couple of times until you get down to something that feels like a core value, which usually lies deep below the surface of your first stated value.

You could also do this same process for an area that is not working well. For instance, maybe your personal growth has stalled or your health is suffering. Thinking about what is important to you in these areas could reveal that you are not living in alignment with your core values. It could also provide you with small changes you could make to improve these areas of your life.

Categories
Thoughts on Change

Do your routines have you stuck in a rut?

What is the difference between a routine and a rut? From my perspective, a routine is a productive way to accomplish a common task. The word rut brings up feelings of being stuck in an unproductive habit. The good news is that we can use our knowledge of routines to figure out how to get out of a rut.

holzfigur-980784_960_720

Productive Routines

A routine can be thought of as a standard procedure or practice that is done on a regular basis. Think of your morning routine. What sounds or sights do you wake up to in the morning? What is the first thing you do after you open your eyes? You could go through the entire sequence of your morning step-by-step because it is most likely an unconscious set of programmed, sequenced actions.

There can be great value in having productive routines. For many of us, the morning routine has been refined to the point that it serves as a seamless way to get the family out the door without much hassle. Without our morning routine, my family might not make it to school on time. Even if we did make it on time, we would most likely not be in the most resourceful mental state.

Sometimes the routine doesn’t work. Maybe there was an extra early morning meeting that shifted our schedule back a few minutes. Or maybe one of the children forgot to do their homework the night before. In any case, when the routine is off, the day can start off a little rough. Recognizing this disruption in our routine and working together to get back on track can stop the cycle before things get worse.

If you can, take a minute to think through your morning routine. Are there things that might need to be shifted to make your morning a little more pleasant? Would getting up a few minutes earlier help you get your day started off on the right track? With a little attention and awareness, you can figure out how your routines may need to be shifted.

You can apply this same idea to any other routines you engage in throughout the day. Maybe you have a routine around entering your workplace, eating or not eating lunch, accomplishing your work tasks, going grocery shopping, or going to bed at night. Anything that you do on a fairly regular basis is accomplished by unconsciously activating the routine you have taught yourself for that task.

Unproductive Ruts

Habits can also be thought of as routines, but typically they feel more like ruts. What’s the difference between a routine and a rut? According to dictionary.com, a rut is a habit or pattern of behavior that has become dull and unproductive but is hard to change. That sounds about right to me.

When you repeatedly respond to situations in the same way, then you have taught yourself a routine. You can break this routine down in the same way that you broke down the steps in your morning routine. Just start with the habit and work backward. Ask yourself, what happened before I did that? Keep going until you can figure out your routine or unconscious procedure for getting to engaging in the habit.

For example, if you have a habit of getting angry when someone cuts you off in traffic, you can work backward to figure out how you actually manage to get angry. Something happens before you yell or blow the horn. What is that process for you? Visualize that person cutting you off. What do you see, hear, and feel? What comes first, the thought that you are going to yell at this person or the act of yelling? Do you feel anything in your body? Do you feel any tension in your shoulders, chest, or stomach? Can you notice a place in the routine where you could make a different choice? Knowing your own routine for getting upset in traffic gives you the choice of whether or not you want to continue that routine or change it.

Getting Out of the Rut

This process works with road rage, but it also works with other habits too. Think about a simple habit that you want to change. Imagine yourself engaging in that habit. See, hear, and feel what is happening when you engage in that habit that you think you want to change. Also, notice the consequences of that habit.

Mentally take yourself back in time a few minutes and play the scene leading up to engaging in that habit. See, hear, and feel what is happening around you and in your mind and body in the minutes before. Notice if there are any places in your routine where you can make a slight shift or insert a pause.

Mentally rehearse the modified routine a couple of times to see if maybe you can come up with a different outcome to your unproductive routine. The next time you are in that situation, see if you come up with a different response. Just noticing the unproductive routine and taking a brief pause is a good start.

Changing a long-standing pattern of behavior takes time. Be patient with yourself. Accept that some days will be better than others. It’s important to know that what you do does not define who you are. Recognizing what you need and accepting yourself where you are might be all you need to do right now.