Tag: reaching goals

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Mindfulness & Peacefulness Thoughts on Change

Intentions for 2018

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What are your intentions for this year? New year, new you? Good luck with that.

My intentions are a little closer to where I am right now. New year, same me, different focus. I’ve learned that it is much easier to make incremental changes than it is to attempt an entire re-creation of myself.

Maybe you’re different. Maybe you can set a goal, do what you need to do, and mark it off the list.

For whatever reason, my past goals have been so far from my current position that sometimes I couldn’t really see how to get there from here. This year I’m trying something new. Instead of resolutions or goals, I have set intentions.

So, here we go…

I intend to be truly helpful

According to ACIM, there is a basic prayer that goes like this:

“I am here only to be truly helpful. I do not have to worry about what I say or do because He who sent me will direct me.”

I love this. All I have to do is align with my intention to be helpful. I can do that, most days.

I have used the extended version of this prayer in the past. It’s awesome. This prayer always puts me in the right mindset to provide the most loving support I can in any situation.

Surprisingly, sometimes that means keeping my mouth shut. Other times it means smiling and meeting people where they are at that moment.

I intend to remain in alignment with myself and with God

This one is a little more difficult, not because it’s truly harder, but because it requires a different type of dedication.

In order to remain in alignment, I have to be aware of how I am feeling at any given moment. I have to check in and see how something resonates deep inside of me.

If you’ve never been aware of experiencing this kind of resonance, it’s like looking out at the world and noticing that everything feels right. You didn’t do anything to make it feel right, it just does.

This year I want to notice that feeling more often. I also want to notice when things don’t feel right. I want to pay attention to my instincts or what we call our gut feelings.

When things don’t feel right, my plan is to find a thought or feeling that will bring me closer to alignment. I might not get there immediately, but any movement closer to alignment is better than a movement away from alignment.

The basic question here is this: Does this thought make me feel better or worse? If the thought is true and it makes me feel better, then we have a winner!

Self-reflection

So, what are your intentions for 2018? How do you intend to show up this year?

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Awareness & Perception

Which Weeds Are You Watering?

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Which weeds are you watering? Notice the wording of the question. It doesn’t ask if you are watering weeds. The question assumes that you are watering weeds. It doesn’t imply that you should or shouldn’t be watering weeds. That is up to you to figure out. The question simply asks for awareness of, and self-reflection on, what you are watering.

We all water weeds, both in our gardens and in our lives.

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to have more time than you do? How can they work fulltime, attend their kids’ games, and still find time to take care of their physical and mental health? How do they run a company, help their kids with homework, teach Sunday school, and still make it to the gym?

Best of all, how do they do all of this without losing their peace of mind and even staying calm in the chaos of life? 

It’s easy to see that we all have 24 hours each day, but some people seem to be able to stretch those hours. That’s because these people have figured out how to stop watering the weeds. 

They spend their time and energy on the things that matter.

I recently watched The Art of Stopping Time by Pedram Shojai. It was a short video packed with a ton of wisdom. During the first 10-15 minutes of the video, Shojai relates our lives to a garden. In this analogy, he talks about the importance of identifying which five plants we really want in our garden and which weeds we keep watering.

This concept of the life garden (along with many, many other insightful concepts) is included on his website, podcast, and book: The Urban Monk.

One of the benefits of teaching Introduction to Psychology is that I get to touch on many interesting topics. There are many ways to address the ideas of consciousness and attention. Keeping in mind that one of my goals as an educator is to provide my students with things they can apply to daily life, I asked them to consciously consider how they spend their time and energy.

Many of my students are still trying to figure out how to balance the new freedom of college with the concept of deadlines. They struggle to understand why they can’t really multitask even though they think they should be able to. Some of them don’t know where their time goes each day. Now that I write it out, that sounds a lot like many adults I know, except for the “new freedom” part.

Anyway, as usual, I was impressed with their responses. They could clearly articulate what was important in their lives. They talked openly about the unnecessary things they continued to spend time and energy on. Honestly, my students gave most of the same answers that I would have given.

The most insightful part was our discussion about what to do about this new self-discovery. It’s one thing to acknowledge what is important and admit that you are not as focused on those things as you would like to be. It is an entirely different thing to be able to articulate and execute a plan to close the gap.

As you look over their list, think about your own life garden.

Top 10 Plants – Important to Us

  1. Family
  2. School
  3. Friends
  4. Work
  5. Spiritual
  6. Sports/Exercise
  7. Self-care
  8. Happiness
  9. Health
  10. Responsibilities

Top 10 Weeds – Waste of Time/Energy

  1. Social Media
  2. Phone
  3. Stress/Anxiety/Overthinking
  4. TV/Movies
  5. Procrastination
  6. Shopping
  7. Sugar
  8. Social Activities
  9. Multitasking
  10. Saying “yes” to Everything

So, what’s the solution?

The first step is self-reflection. We need to reflect on what is truly important. Whatever they are, it’s your life, they’re your priorities. Maybe they aren’t the same as someone else’s. That’s fine. After all, you are the one who will answer for your life choices.

Next, we have to take an honest look at our lives and see where our time and energy are going. This doesn’t have to be a minute-by-minute accounting ledger. It can be as easy as looking back over the day to see what you actually spent time doing or thinking about.

Then, we need to assess whether or not our time and energy are going toward the things that we identified as priorities. This is probably the easiest part of the entire process. I said it was important, and either I did it or I didn’t.

Now, here comes the hard part. This is where we figure out how to stop watering the weeds and start focusing on what’s important. For some people, it will be as easy as deleting some apps on their phones. For others, it might mean scheduling time for the things that are important…and actually sticking to it.

Here are a couple of self-reflection questions that have helped me.

  • Based on Shojai’s analogy, which five plants do you want in your garden? How much time and energy do those five plants need?
  • What weeds do you continue to water?
  • Why do you continue to water each of these weeds? What needs do they fulfill? Do they provide you with companionship, belonging, safety, or love? Or do they simply serve as a distraction from the hard work of life?
  • Can you think of an easy way to hold yourself accountable?
  • Do you journal? Maybe a daily journal practice will help keep account of your time and energy.
  • Could these priorities be written as goals?
  • Do you keep track of progress toward your goals?
  • How can saying yes to one thing mean saying no to other things?
  • How does all of this relate to procrastination and prioritization?

If you are concerned about the time you spend on social media or your phone, try downloading an app to help monitor your usage. Two apps that I know of are Moment and BreakFree. Who knows, getting a handle on this one area may help control the growth of the other weeds like stress, procrastination, and multitasking.

If you are interested in learning more about how to stop time, click on the link to register for access to the free video by Pedram Shojai: http://urltag.net/BqnhV

Categories
Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

Stop Pushing the Same Rock Up the Same Hill

Do you ever find yourself feeling frustrated when you really want to feel fulfilled and happy? A few years ago, I was very frustrated with my job. I felt like I was close to getting burned out. I know all the signs, but that doesn’t mean that I’m immune to feeling easily fatigued, being short with people, thinking about other options, feeling hopeless that things will get better, and experiencing physical sickness.

No matter how hard I worked, I just couldn’t keep up. I felt like Sysiphus (from Greek mythology), pushing a rock up a hill each day only for it to roll back down again. Can you imagine how frustrating that felt?

I got into a bad habit of writing psychological reports at home and on the weekends. My health and relationships suffered. Finally, I realized that I needed to talk to someone because my best efforts were not making things better. In fact, it felt like what I was doing was making it worse.

I found a trusted mentor and asked for a few minutes of her time. She graciously listened without judgment, asked thoughtful questions, and shared some of her own experiences. By the time I left her office, I felt much better. Not only did she really listen, she connected with me right where I was.

That probably would have been enough, but she provided even more. She gave me a tool that completely changed the way I thought about my current job and my career as a whole. Without her guidance, I would have probably left education a long time ago.

The tool she introduced me to was the 5-year plan. I’m not new to planning. I had my future planned out when I was in middle school. Of course, my plan has changed a few times since then. But, the point is, I knew how to plan. And, I knew that having a plan made me feel safe and in control of my life.

So, I got started writing my plan. As she suggested, I included ideas for my professional development, ways to make my job more meaningful, and options for other jobs just in case things didn’t get better.

As I look back over that plan, I can see how much I’ve grown. I found ways to do my job better than ever before. I also discovered ways to prioritize activities to create space for things that felt more meaningful, like counseling and consultation. Now, I have the ability to complete the core functions of my job and still support students and teachers in a tangible and purposeful way. I realize there are still areas that I need to work on, but that’s how life goes. The best part is that having my options written on paper made me feel like I had more control over my life.

Research shows that people who feel an internal locus of control tend to be happier, less stressed, more likely to set and achieve goals, and enjoy better physical health. So, the point is this, if you don’t have a 5-year plan, then you should think about creating one. Why? Because it will give you something to work toward and allow you to feel more control over your life.

Most people think it takes too much time to write out a plan. The truth is that you can do this in just a few minutes. Deep down, we all know where we want to be in the next five years. Imagine how your life will be in five years if you keep doing what you are doing right now. Maybe it will be fabulous. Chances are, your life will be virtually the same as it is today unless you make a conscious effort to steer it in a specific direction.

I just wrote a new 5-year plan a few months ago. I review it at least once a week. So far, I’m moving in the direction of my plan. I can’t wait to look back over it in a few years. I have learned that setting and reviewing my goals helps me move in the direction of my dreams.

Even better, setting quarterly, monthly, weekly, and daily priorities helps me ensure that I am doing the daily practices that make the most difference. I periodically review my weekly and daily practices to see which activities are the most beneficial and which ones need to be deleted from my routine. This small investment of time has paid off. Now, I don’t feel as busy, and I’m getting more meaningful things done, both at work and at home.

Right now, I’m feeling very grateful for my trusted mentor taking a few minutes of her valuable time to listen and share. I have expressed my appreciation, but I don’t know if she truly knows how much she impacted my career and my life. Fortunately, this lovely lady is still in my life, so I have the opportunity to share my gratitude with her and continue learning from her vast experiences.

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Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

Confirmation Bias: The Power of Our Beliefs

Why take the time to figure out what we believe? Whether we are aware of them or not, our beliefs about a specific area can greatly impact the assumptions that support those beliefs and the values we hold that are based on those beliefs.

Our beliefs guide our thoughts and behaviors. We tend to look for or create situations that support what we believe to be true.

Just think about everyone’s favorite blue donkey, Eeyore. He seemed to always find himself in the worst situations. Do you remember all those times when it only rained on him?

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Sometimes I have all the best intentions but then fall back into an old habit. Usually, that happens when I have an underlying limiting belief about what I can or can’t do. When I think about my assumptions and beliefs, I can begin to see how I could be unconsciously sabotaging my own efforts.

Acknowledging and analyzing beliefs can help us figure out several things. For now, let’s focus on these two:

  • why we aren’t consistently doing the things we want to do
  • why we continue to do things we don’t want to do

Henry Ford said it best when he said, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t. You’re right.” Are there things that you believe you can or can’t do? Maybe you tried something one time and it didn’t go very well. Or maybe you thought about doing something different, but were told that you couldn’t do it. No matter how these limiting beliefs developed, now is a good time to reassess their truth and usefulness.

“Can”s and “Can’t”s: Internalized Beliefs

I have worked with many people who believe they can’t control their eating. They generally think that they are too weak or too emotional to choose the right food for their body. Usually, these limiting beliefs are related to their faulty assumptions about themselves, others, and/or the world.

Through individual coaching, I work with people to acknowledge and analyze their faulty assumptions and limiting beliefs. What I have seen is that people tend to pay attention to experiences that support what they already believe.

Science backs this up with studies about belief perseverance and the confirmation bias. Basically, these studies show that we more easily see things that are in line with our current beliefs.

Think about a time when you were in a really good mood. Maybe you woke up feeling energized, had the perfect cup of coffee, and got to work without struggling or rushing. However you achieved it, you were experiencing a higher than normal level of happiness. You probably noticed more people smiling at you. You might have even seen and taken advantage of additional opportunities that would increase your happiness. Maybe you noticed that the other drivers on the road were much more courteous to you.

Chances are, the external world was just the same as it has always been. The only difference was your perspective, which was based on your current filter of happiness.

This works the same with other things we believe about the world. If we believe that we can’t control our eating behavior, then we will see the world in a way that supports this belief. When we encounter a situation where we are tempted, we will fall back on habitual patterns instead of remembering the reasons we are choosing a different option. If we really believe that we can’t control our eating behavior, we may not even see the other options that are available to us.

If we believe that our current behaviors are protecting us or serving us in some way, we will continue to engage in those behaviors. There is a hidden logic to the way our brains work to protect us from perceived danger. Figuring out how you are unconsciously fulfilling your beliefs can make this hidden logic visible. Once you are aware of these beliefs, you are free to choose whether or not they need to be changed.

Acknowledging Our Beliefs

I believe that we can all choose to do things that are good for us. Acknowledging our beliefs is a good place to start. Once we know what we believe, we can test to see if those beliefs are true and helpful. We can also try out new beliefs that might be more productive.

Learning to let go of limiting beliefs is one of the keys to making positive changes and maintaining our motivation when it gets hard. If you want to explore your limiting beliefs, pick one thing that is not working well and explore your beliefs in that area. Watch your thoughts and behaviors in that specific area of your life.

These self-reflection questions are similar to the questions about faulty assumptions. The main difference is that we are now focusing on what you believe to be true, rather than what you assume that you, others, or the world should be or do. Beliefs are generally based on assumptions.

If you want to explore your limiting beliefs, ask yourself these questions:

  • Are there any patterns in my language that demonstrate what I believe? What do I repeatedly say to myself? What do I repeatedly say to others?
  • What are my “can”s, and “can’t”s?
  • Are these beliefs always true?
  • Are these beliefs currently helpful and productive?
  • What assumptions are holding up these beliefs? Are these assumptions still true, helpful, and productive?
  • Is there one belief that I could shift to something more helpful and productive?
  • What can I try over the next week that might allow me to see beyond my limiting beliefs?

Hopefully, these self-reflection questions will provide some insight about how limiting beliefs (and the underlying assumptions) contribute to our thoughts and behaviors.

Categories
Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

Backward Logic: Why who you are matters


The caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland asks Alice a very important question, “Who are you?” Alice can’t answer him. She doesn’t know who she is. Alice has experienced so many changes that she is no longer sure of anything.

I’ve asked people this same question. Their answers reveal a lot about what is important and what fuels their drive. Some people define themselves by their social roles (spouse, parent, friend), while other people define themselves by their career or interests. Most people don’t answer the question with statements of belief or value. How you answer the question can help you figure out a little more about yourself, including why you feel the way you do about your current situation.

Backward Logic: Have, Do, Be

Have you ever thought about the way most people approach their goals? I think about it all the time. I wonder why some people are able to achieve their goals with ease, but other people struggle to achieve any goals. I used to struggle with achieving goals. It was hard to set a goal and stick with it. I also struggled with what to do after I achieved a goal. Typically, I started planning my next goal as soon as the current goal was in sight. This kept me stuck in a cycle of constant striving without enjoying any sense of accomplishment.

After a lot of reading and thinking, I’ve started to believe that maybe we’ve been going at this the wrong way. Most people who struggle to achieve goals think they need to have something specific in order to finally be whatever it is they think they want to be.

The backward logic usually looks something like this: I want to have this thing, so I can do that, then I will be this.

I have done this many times with health, education, parenting, marriage, etc. I used to think I had to have all of the best parenting books and do all of the right things so that I would be a great mom. Do you know what I realized? My kids will love me regardless of what I do. I still want to do the best I can for my children, but my energy is no longer invested in learning all the right skills and doing all the right things. Now I am focused on being the best version of myself that I can be because I know that my daily actions and loving presence are more valuable than any parenting strategy.

Most recently, I thought I wanted to be a full-time college professor because I wanted to be more involved in research. I love to read research studies and apply them to everyday life. My love of research is part of the reason that I started this blog. I also enjoy asking questions and searching for answers. To me, that is the essence of research.

My backward logic was that I wanted to have the job, so I could read, apply, and conduct research studies, and then I would be more involved in research. That makes sense on the surface, but there’s another way to approach the situation.

Forward Logic: Am, Do, Have

Starting with the level of identity, we can quickly shift the process. Knowing who you are, including your gifts, strengths, and weaknesses allows you to move forward from where you are. It can be challenging to figure out who you really are in the sea of cultural expectations and media messages. Once you wade through all the noise, you can discover your own unique set of gifts and skills. But, you have to take time for self-awareness and self-reflection.

Here is the framework for this different kind of logic: I am this, so I will do this, and I will naturally have this.

In my situation, I flipped the process. I realized that I am involved in research now. I read and apply research studies while continuing my full-time school psychologist and part-time professor roles. Sometimes I get to research educational trends, such as meditation and resilience. I also try to stay up to date with the latest research on educational technology, Socratic questioning, and interactive teaching. I use this knowledge to become better at what I am already doing. Thinking about my current work in this way is similar to what Amy Wrzesniewski calls job crafting. She talks about ways to find purpose and meaning in any job.

This way of looking at the situation is powerful. With this view, I have the ability to see options that were previously outside my awareness. When I thought I had to have a specific job in order to do the things I wanted to do, I was a little frustrated. Now, I see more possibilities to use my interest in research to improve my performance in all areas.

I also have the freedom to choose my career path based on who I am and what I enjoy doing, rather than letting my preconceived idea of a job dictate my future.

Lessons Learned

I am still working through all of the implications of looking at life and goals this way. It’s very different from the typical goal-setting, constant achievement push that is so common in our world. So far, I’ve learned a few things:

  • “Who are you?” is a very important question. Most other factors rest on your understanding of your identity.
  • Achieving goals won’t necessarily give you happiness, or whatever else you thought you wanted.
  • Getting clear on the reason you want to achieve a goal can make a huge difference.
  • It is possible to make small changes in order to experience a greater sense of purpose and meaning in any job.
  • Sometimes the things that seem counterintuitive are the things you need to do first.

Are you ready to turn some of your logic around? Are you at the point where trying something new seems like the next right step? Coaching could help you clarify your identity, understand your goals, and figure out how to reach them.

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Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

When you assume, you make…

When you assume, you make…

We all know how that statement usually ends, but do you know why assumptions are so important to our daily lives? The assumptions we hold about ourselves, others, and the world can make or break our efforts to live an authentic life and be the best version of ourselves that we can be. These assumptions also serve as the support structure for our beliefs and values. Starting with our assumptions, we can effectively shift our beliefs and values to more successfully support our goals.

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Have you ever asked yourself why you keep doing things that don’t move you in the direction of your goals? Sometimes I find myself stuck in a cycle of thinking about what I should or shouldn’t be thinking or doing. Or worse, thinking about what others should or shouldn’t be doing. This may seem like a productive thing to do, but it actually drains all of the energy that I could be using to create the outcomes I want.

There are ways to keep moving in a positive direction, starting with understanding our faulty assumptions. Once we understand ourselves a little more, we can more easily choose to see things differently and respond in a more helpful, productive way.

“Should”s and “Shouldn’t”s: Faulty Assumptions 

Our past experiences help us develop assumptions about ourselves, others, and the world in general. Some of these assumptions are adaptive and helpful. For instance, many people have learned that they should get up and go to work each day. That is helpful because (in the best situations) work makes you feel good about your contribution to the world, encourages personal growth, and allows you to pay your bills. Other assumptions are not as helpful and actually keep us stuck in dysfunctional thought processes.

Media Messages

For example, let’s think about the media messages regarding what it means to be a woman in today’s world. We are taught that women should be beautiful (but make it look effortless), submissive (but be able to stand on our own), smart (but not smarter than others), compassionate (but hold ourselves to a standard of perfection), and employed (but also take care of the family and home). It is almost impossible to balance all of these shoulds and maintain any sense of being centered and calm, much less live from a place that feels authentic.

I am sure there are plenty of other shoulds that our young women today have internalized from the popular culture. You can probably think of a much longer list than this one. For example, my daughter “should” be a straight “A” student and a superstar athlete.

If like my daughter, you have tried to master several domains, you are aware of how difficult it can be to give 100% in every area of life. Learning who we are, living from our authentic self, and practicing self-compassion can help keep things in balance.

I don’t mean to leave out the men. I know they receive cultural messages and have internalized faulty assumptions too. If you are male or have important men in your life, you can probably recognize some of the shoulds that they are expected to uphold…men should be strong (but also sensitive), hardworking (but also available for the family), independent (but just needy enough to build relationships), and powerful (but also protective of others). Again, this balance is almost impossible without a stable base of self-knowledge from which to live an authentic life.

Family and Friends

These media messages aren’t the only place (or even the first place) where we learn cultural standards that can lead to faulty assumptions. We can also internalize them from our family and friends.

Some of these assumptions come from things we learned during our childhood. During the first few years of life, we are dependent on our parents for everything. Our parents are responsible for keeping us alive and teaching us how to interact with the world.

If we have parents who are responsive and caring, we tend to learn that the world is a safe place where our needs can be met. If on the other hand, we have parents who are abusive or neglectful, then we tend to learn that the world is not a safe place. We may even come to believe that we have to always keep our guard up or that everyone is out to get us.

I know that some psychologists have been criticized for blaming everything on parents, but there is no way around the fact that our parents are the primary influence during our early development. In fact, childhood trauma is highly correlated with mental health and physical health, even into adulthood.

I am not saying that we can blame all of our bad habits on our parents. What I am saying is that when we can recognize these influences, then we can take responsibility for our current thoughts and behaviors.

Moving beyond the early influence of parents, we also learn some of our assumptions from interacting with our friends and acquaintances.

Think about a time when you received praise for doing something well or achieving a major goal. Maybe you spent a lot of time and effort working on your physical beauty through eating healthy and exercising. If you were repeatedly praised for these improvements, you may have internalized the message that you should be beautiful or thin in order to be worthy of love (or praise, or admiration, or acceptance, etc.).

Testing Our Assumptions

Basing our worth on fulfilling faulty assumptions is a dangerous way to live. It’s also a very tentative way of understanding our place in the world. Without self-knowledge, we are floating in the wind, going whichever way the winds of life blow us. We are left without a stable base from which to interact with the world.

Exploring our assumptions is a good way to gain self-knowledge. If you want to explore your faulty assumptions, try watching your thought patterns and habitual behaviors in a specific area of your life. Pick one area that is not working well and explore your assumptions in that area. Ask yourself these questions:

  • What messages have I received from the media about this area of life?
  • What are my “should”s and “shouldn’t”s about myself, others, and the world?
  • Complete this statement: In order to be worthy, I should…
  • Complete this statement: In order to be worthy, I shouldn’t…
  • What childhood experiences might be related to these faulty assumptions?
  • Were there times in my life where these assumptions were helpful or protective?
  • Are there any patterns in my language that could reveal my assumptions? What do I repeatedly say to myself? What do I repeatedly say to others?
  • Are these assumptions always true?
  • Have there been times when I didn’t follow these assumptions? How did it work out?

Hopefully, these self-reflection questions will provide you with some insight about how your faulty assumptions are contributing to your current thoughts and behaviors.

If you need individual guidance, contact me.

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Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

Dynamic Values: Figuring Out What You Want

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It’s pretty easy to set a goal. There are strategies for how to set the best kind of SMART goals. There are even techniques for monitoring your progress. The hard part seems to be staying on track after the initial excitement and motivation wear off.

Linking Values and Goals

Figuring out what you really want can help you keep moving in the right direction. In my opinion, the best way to set a goal is to ask yourself why you want that outcome in the first place. For example, I could say that my goal is to meditate daily for 10 minutes for the next 30 days. Here’s how the internal dialogue would go…

Well, why do I want that? I want to relieve stress.

And, what would that do for me? I would be happier and more peaceful.

Why do I want to be happier and more peaceful? I want to show up as the best version of myself.

And, what is important about being the best version of me? I want to offer my best to those around me.

So, there we have it. The true value behind my goal is a combination of authenticity and contribution. Thinking about these values, I can agree that these are two of my core values. It is very important to me to live in accordance with who I truly am and to give something positive to those around me.

Living Your Values

Knowing why I really want to meditate can encourage me to do it, even when I might not feel like I have time. Linking your core values to your goals is one of the keys to maintaining motivation toward achieving your goals. You could even try writing your goals in a way that includes your values. For instance, I could say, “I will meditate 10 minutes a day because I value authenticity and contribution.”

Acknowledging my core values could also give me some other ideas about small changes that I could make to more fully live in accordance with these values. In fact, these values are part of the reason that I decided to write a blog. There are plenty of other ways to live out these core values.

So far, I have found that the more I live in accordance with my values, the happier and more fulfilled I feel. This is one of the strategies I used when trying to work through my weight loss journey.

Finding Your Values

There are tons of values inventories available online. Most of them encourage you to identify your core values for life in general. In working with people, it seems that their values are different in each area of life. If you are interested in exploring your values, I suggest starting with one area of your life. To ease into this, you could start with the area that is working well.

If you are the happiest and most fulfilled in your home life, think about what is important to you about your home life. What do you value the most in that setting or those relationships? Ask the “why” questions a couple of times until you get down to something that feels like a core value, which usually lies deep below the surface of your first stated value.

You could also do this same process for an area that is not working well. For instance, maybe your personal growth has stalled or your health is suffering. Thinking about what is important to you in these areas could reveal that you are not living in alignment with your core values. It could also provide you with small changes you could make to improve these areas of your life.

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Balanced Nutrition

How Did You Lose All That Weight? Pt. 2 – Balanced Nutrition

Did you know that successful weight loss is primarily a result of what you eat? I used to think that exercise was the key, but I was wrong. I’m not saying that we don’t need to exercise. In fact, balanced exercise is vital to overall health. What I am saying is that it is extremely hard, if not impossible, to exercise enough to work off a habit of making unhealthy food choices. Not to mention the fact that when you eat junk you don’t really have the energy to exercise.

If you didn’t read Part 1 of this series, it would probably be in your best interest to read that one first. It covers the importance of our beliefs about food, exercise, and health. Without understanding your beliefs, any behavior change is likely to fail.

According to Robert Kegan’s research, and my experience, we will unconsciously sabotage our own efforts to prove that our underlying beliefs are correct. So, it’s best to figure out why you are doing something before you try to change it.

Keep It Simple

One of my favorite food journalists is Michael Pollan. In The Omnivore’s Dilemma, he offers three guidelines for eating: “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.” He goes on to provide a filter through which we can consider our food choices: “Don’t eat anything your great-grandmother wouldn’t recognize as food.” That seems pretty simple until you try to put it into practice.

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So, what does this mean in today’s fast-paced, microwaved, super-sized world? It means that if we are going to eat healthy foods that nourish our body, mind, and spirit, we need to take a step back.  In order to make healthy food choices, we need to allow ourselves the mental space and time to consider what our bodies really need. You may even need to start planning and preparing your meals in advance.

For those who are interested, my daily eating habits typically include Bulletproof coffee (with butter and MCT oil), vegetables, meat, nuts, and a little fruit. That’s about it. I still enjoy eating out occasionally, but I try to stick with low-carb options.

If you are trying to lose weight, I suggest that you temporarily reduce the amount of fruit. If you do eat fruit, then stick with berries.

Experiment and Personalize

Figure out what works for your body. There is no “one-size-fits-all” eating plan. Here are some general areas to consider when you begin to experiment with your own eating style.

Macronutrient Ratios

This refers to the balance between carbohydrates, protein, and fat. The basic advice you will usually receive is to eat 45-65% of your calories in carbohydrates, 10-35% in protein, and 20-35% in fat. That might work for you, but it did not work for me.

I found that I could easily lose weight if my carbohydrate intake was less than 75 grams per day. For me,  that is typically 20-25% of my daily calories. I discovered this by systematically adjusting my diet and tracking my weight to see how different ratios impacted weight loss or gain. At one point, I started adding more carbohydrates to stop losing weight!

Over the years, I have discovered that many people lose weight on a lower carbohydrate diet. This does not mean that you should eat 75 grams of carbohydrates per day. What it does mean is that you should begin to track your food intake and weight to see what your body needs.

Inflammatory Foods

There have been studies linking chronic inflammation to diabetes, obesity, heart disease, and mental health conditions, among other problems. If you can avoid foods that lead to inflammation, it makes sense to do that for your weight as well as your overall health.

Some common inflammatory foods are sugar, vegetable-based cooking oils, trans fats, alcohol, dairy, and refined grains. Many people respond negatively to these foods, but there are also individual food sensitivities and allergies to consider.

For instance, I am sensitive to gluten. When I eat food containing gluten I wake up the next day with puffy eyes, swollen hands, and a stuffy nose. Time and time again, this is what I have found.

Do you know what foods you are sensitive to? Tracking your food and watching your responses is a great way to learn more about the right foods for your body. If you want a more stringent strategy, you might try a 30-day elimination diet.

Timing of Meals

There has been a lot of advice in the media about eating several small meals a day or only eating during a certain window of time (intermittent fasting). I’m not here to tell you that either one is better. From what I have seen, both strategies (as well as the traditional three meals a day) can work.

The main thing to consider is whether or not you are actually hungry. If you are hungry, then you should eat something. The tricky part is knowing if you are hungry. Before you decide to eat something, just take a minute to check in with yourself. If you decide that you are hungry, think about what you really want to eat rather than just grabbing something convenient.

It is also important to stop eating when you are full. Eat a little more slowly so that you can notice when the food no longer tastes amazing. Or maybe you can even notice the beginning sensations of food entering your stomach. In order to do these things, you have to begin paying attention to the signals that your body is sending you.

Technology Can Help

There are several technology tools that we can use to keep us on track. Here are a few of my favorites:

  • MyFitnessPal: Many people use this simple app to track what they eat. I also use it to track my weight. It will allow you to print a graph of your weight and macronutrients over a certain period of time. This function allowed me to figure out the right macronutrient ratio for my body.
  • GymPact: This app serves as an accountability partner. You set your weekly goals for getting exercise, logging food, and eating vegetables. If you reach your goals, you get paid. If you fail to reach your goals, you have to pay. We are talking about real money here.  I use this on and off, just to keep myself accountable.
  • Fitbit: My favorite feature is the sleep tracking function. It has helped me figure out how much sleep I need to feel my best. Sleep is another one of those factors that can make or break your weight loss efforts, so it’s pretty important.

Please Share and Comment

Of course, this post is a little long. It is one of my favorite subjects and there is so much more that could be added. I hope this has been beneficial. Try some of the strategies for personalizing your own diet. Remember to document what you are doing and track your progress. That is the only way to know if it is working for you.

As always, let me know how it goes.

 

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Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

How Did You Lose All That Weight? Pt. 1 – Dynamic Beliefs

At least once a week, someone asks me how I lost so much weight. Just to be clear, I lost about 40 pounds over the course of a couple of months. Once I explain that I lost the weight over two years ago, they naturally want to know how I kept it off. These are usually quick conversations. I try to share the most relevant piece of the story for that person at that moment.

Losing 40 pounds may not seem like a lot to some people, but for me, the journey changed the way I see myself and the world around me. The next couple of posts will summarize my weight loss journey; however, I have to warn you, it was not an easy process until I found the right keys for me.

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My Beliefs About Weight

When you want to make any change, it is a good idea to decide what you believe about that thing. In general, we do things because they line up with our beliefs, whether we know it or not. Our beliefs and resulting behaviors typically function to protect us from something we don’t want or to help us get something we do want.

If you are trying to make a change, you will want to explore your beliefs and figure out how you benefit from that behavior. In my case, I believed that being overweight would protect me from unwanted male attention. If I wanted to justify my behavior, I could find many good reasons that this belief was protective. It took me a long time to realize that this was the major underlying belief that was sabotaging my efforts to lose weight.

Of course, there are other beliefs about weight, eating behavior, and health. For instance, some families value eating big meals together. If you show up for family dinner and only eat a few things, some family members may get offended. In an effort to be polite, we may eat for social reasons rather than health reasons.

I also believed that I could exercise enough to “work off” the consequences of bad food choices. Through education and experimentation, I learned that this is not true. Another dysfunctional belief was that low-fat foods were good for me. Wow, was I wrong!

The saddest belief was that I could motivate myself to “do right” by berating myself when I fell short of my desired goals or behaviors. That ended up putting me in a state of mind where I didn’t even want to try anymore. This self-criticism further eroded my self-image, specifically my body-image, making it easier to make excuses than to look for solutions. If this happens to you, check out the post about self-compassion.

There are also emotional reasons that people make unhealthy food choices. That was not necessarily one of my beliefs around food, but it is for many people. My closest example of this is that I find myself wanting high-carb foods when I am tired. I still believe that a quick hit of sugar will give me a brief burst of energy; however, I also know that there are consequences. In the moment, I might not have the mental energy to weigh the pros and cons of the inevitable consequences of the sugar crash.

Changing My Beliefs

After “yo-yo dieting” for my entire life, I finally found the work of Robert Kegan. I have written about his work before in the context of balancing challenge and support. In addition to that aspect of adult development, he also studies why we fail to make the changes we say we want to make. He has a name for this natural tendency: Immunity to Change.

The basic idea behind it is that we have hidden, competing beliefs or commitments that work against our expressed goal. These hidden beliefs, once brought to the light, perfectly explain the behaviors we engage in that sabotage our effort to change. I will write more about working through the Immunity to Change later, but for now, you can check out his website: Minds At Work.

In doing this work, I found that I no longer needed to hold on to extra weight to protect myself. I was able to reframe that belief in the context of my current life circumstances, skills, and abilities.

I also found that I didn’t really want to “lose weight.” What I really wanted was to “gain health.” That’s a powerful difference. It helped me because my previous weight loss efforts were focused on pushing away things I didn’t want. This new focus allowed me to explore and pursue what I really did want.

Assessing Your Own Beliefs

Once you do the work, you may find that you have different beliefs behind your behaviors around eating, exercise, and health. Whatever those beliefs are, it is important that you acknowledge and accept that they are your beliefs. You might even need to practice some self-compassion regarding the fact that you even have those beliefs in the first place.

A more simple version of the Immunity to Change process involves simply exploring the pros and cons of your current and desired behaviors. I am attaching a simple worksheet that will guide you through assessing your own inner conflict about making a change. You are welcome to print it out and ask yourself these questions. Balancing Pros and Cons

Knowing your beliefs is a great first step. Once you can find awareness, acknowledgment, and acceptance of these beliefs, you are in a good position to explore whether or not they are still true. They might be true. It is more likely that they are outdated and more extreme than what is necessary for your current life.

If you want to test your beliefs, just try doing the opposite. For me, I tested the belief that I need high-carb foods when I’m tired. I tried just avoiding that temptation by distracting myself. I tried replacing the high-carb food with a high-fat or high-protein snack. I also tried a brief meditation or short walk instead of the high-carb food. In my case, all of those turned out to be better options than letting my outdated belief guide my behavior.

There is much more to this story, but I’ve been told that my blogs tend to get a little long. In an effort to honor your time and attention, I will save the rest for later. Those who know me personally, know that I love to talk about nutrition, exercise, and sleep. In fact, I could talk about those things all day if someone would listen.

In the meantime, check out your own beliefs around food, exercise, and health. Try to work with one specific problematic behavior at a time. Ask yourself the questions on the Balancing Pros and Cons worksheet. Don’t rush to an answer. Ask the question, take a couple of deep breaths, and see what comes up.

Let me know how it goes.

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Mindfulness & Peacefulness Thoughts on Change

We all Miss the Mark

Do you know anyone who constantly criticizes themselves for not being perfect? You know, that person who always has to do everything right. If they make one mistake, they spend the next few days beating themselves up. I used to be one of those people. I began to realize that perfect was unattainable when I started teaching yoga. In fact, I still can’t do a headstand. But, practicing the headstand taught me that it was ok to fall and get back up again.

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I’ve been reading some research articles by Dr. Kristin Neff. She has spent her career studying self-compassion. You can find a free self-compassion test on her website. This post is my attempt to summarize her ideas and provide some practical tips.

Self-compassion is understood to have three components: an awareness of personal suffering, the recognition that we are all human, and the ability to offer comfort to ourselves. If you are self-critical, tend to get stuck in fear of failure, relive bad decisions that you made, or have thoughts about never being enough, the practice of self-compassion might be just what you need.

We all Experience Suffering

In my opinion, the first step is the hardest. For some reason, we tend to think that beating ourselves up will motivate us to do better next time. This is simply not true. In fact, it actually creates an extra barrier to our progress.

In order to experience self-compassion, we have to recognize that we are suffering and in need of compassion. Many times we fall short of our ideals, fail to reach our goals, or somehow miss the mark. Instead of recognizing that we are suffering, we begin to criticize ourselves.

You may not even recognize this self-criticism because it seems like such a natural thing to do. It might include things like, “I can’t believe I…,” “I shouldn’t have…, “I can’t ever…,” or “I always….” You might even find yourself repeatedly reliving the event or situation in your mind.

If you’ve been meditating and developed a basic level of mindfulness, you might catch this negative self-talk before it gets any worse. If not, you might end up saying things to yourself that you would never say to your worst enemy.

We are all Human

Once you can identify that you are suffering, then you have a choice of how to respond. You can choose to focus on your own suffering, believing that you are the only person in the world who has experienced this problem or you can choose a different perspective.

You can remind yourself that other people have experienced this before. In fact, other people are probably going through a similar problem right now. We are all flawed humans. No one is perfect. No matter what the outside image portrays, everyone faces challenges.

We all Deserve Compassion

Being compassionate toward others seems so easy. We see a person suffering, we recognize their pain, and we have some desire to relieve it. The sad truth is that many people who offer compassion to others fail to offer that same compassion to themselves.

Being compassionate towards ourselves is a very different story. For some reason, we seem to hold ourselves to a higher standard than we hold other people. If a friend makes a mistake, we offer understanding, comfort, and encouragement. Wouldn’t it be great if we could offer those same things to ourselves?

It’s really very simple. Just think of yourself as you would think of someone you love. Shift your self-talk from criticizing to comforting. Admit that you are suffering. Acknowledge the hurt, stress, discomfort, fear, pain, anger, etc. Whatever the emotion is, acknowledge it. Name it and feel it. Sit with the emotion instead of running from it or blaming someone else.

Once you can acknowledge and accept the emotion, then you are ready to offer yourself some love. Tell yourself that you are human. Remind yourself that we all make mistakes. Check in with yourself and ask what you need right now. Encourage yourself to try again. You could even put your hands over your heart or give yourself a hug.

The emotional freedom technique (EFT), created by Gary Craig, also helps to encourage self-compassion. It always begins with some version of this statement: “Even though I have this (pain, emotion, memory), I deeply and completely accept myself.”

Benefits of Self-Compassion

Having compassion for yourself will not erase the past or remove the natural consequences of your actions. What it will do is relieve you of the extra burden of continuing to punish yourself.

Self-compassion is related to increased life satisfaction, motivation, and happiness. It is also related to decreased stress, depression, and perfectionism. Those sound like worthy outcomes to me. It seems like it would make sense to practice self-compassion the next time we miss the mark.