Can you remember the last time someone asked you a question that changed the way you see everything? Maybe this is the question that changes things. If not, maybe this post will encourage you to start looking for those questions.
There are some questions that can be answered rather quickly, usually with a yes or no response. For example, did you have a good day? Yes.
There are other questions that require more than yes or no but still lend themselves to fairly rote responses. What did you do today? I wrote a report, answered some emails, and talked to a few teachers.
These are the more common questions we encounter in our daily lives. But then there are other questions that can’t be answered so quickly or easily. These questions, if we sit with them, can change the way we see ourselves, others, and the world.
Right or Happy?
More than a decade ago my intern supervisor asked me one of these life-changing questions.
I suppose I was a little argumentative. My parents told me I was persistent. Regardless of how I label the behavior, I’m sure it looked the same from the outside.
I always thought that given enough time and evidence, I could convince others to see my perspective and understand that I was right. I would explain, give examples, and try to convince them. Eventually, my supervisor asked me if I would rather be right or happy.
I couldn’t understand why I had to choose. I wanted both.
Now I can see the wisdom in her question. Some things are not worth compromising my peace of mind. As I’ve grown, the line I draw in the sand has shifted.
Over the years I have come to see that her question can be used to realign my perspective with reality. It has also served as a measuring tool for where I am on my personal journey of spiritual growth.
Who’s Stuff?
One of the topics in psychology that has always fascinated me is projection. Basically, the teaching is that we take whatever is in us and project it onto others and the world in general.
For example, when I am having a great day and feeling good on the inside, people seem considerate and caring. The opposite is also true. When I am already feeling stressed or impatient, others seem to be more inconsiderate or even rude.
Another way to think about this is that we see what we are looking for. Yet another way to understand it is that we attract what we offer.
So, who’s stuff is this anyway? That’s the question I try to remember to ask myself.
When I am experiencing anxiety or anger I ask myself where it is coming from. Is this my emotion that I have suppressed or otherwise ignored? Is this a part of me that I am currently choosing not to recognize? Is it coming from somewhere else? Who’s anxiety or anger am I really feeling right now?
I’ve found that, at this point in my life, there isn’t always a clear answer. We are deeply connected to others on many levels so if we aren’t careful we can feel ourselves taking on the emotions of the people we are interacting with.
For instance, think about a time when someone told you about being so angry at someone for whatever they did. Do you remember feeling angry right along with them? Knowing where to draw those emotional and energetic boundaries is an important life lesson.
Sometimes it’s clearly someone else’s emotion, like anger, that they are projecting onto me. Those times are obvious. When the cashier seems to be rude for no apparent reason, that’s not my stuff. Knowing that allows me to respond with kindness rather than anger, most of the time.
In any case, taking the time to ask the question gives me a moment to clarify what I really feel. Lately, this has become an inner conversation about the facts of the event and the story I’ve told myself about it.
New Questions
Recently, a friend of my daughter asked me an interesting question. It was a very simple question on the surface, but it caused me to think deeply about something I had never considered.
She wanted to know the scariest thing I had learned about the brain. That’s simple enough, right? I know what the words mean…scarry…brain. But, I had never thought of them in relation to one another.
I would love to say that I gave her a profound response. I didn’t even have a response. I’m not sure how long I thought about it before I came up with something that I thought was half-way acceptable.
At that moment, the only thing that came to mind was the process of memory creation. It is scary that memories can be implanted by others.
There is a classic study about implanting memories of being lost at the mall as a child. Many people in the study came to believe that they had been lost at the mall, especially if they were told this by a trusted relative. The interesting part is that, to their knowledge, none of the study participants had actually been lost at the mall.
After I thought about the question a little more I have come up with a few other answers.
It’s scary that our brain has the power to create disease. It’s wonderful that it has the power to create health and relieve disease.
It’s scary that I am ultimately responsible for how I perceive and respond to myself and anything that happens in my life. It’s wonderful that I have the opportunity to reassess how I experience and participate in anything that does not serve my highest good and the good of those around me.
Even now, it’s obvious to me that this is one of those questions that I will continue to revisit for decades. I am so grateful for her insightful question.
The power in these questions is that they have the ability to show me what is important to me at this moment. They are wonderful tools for self-reflection.
Hopefully, I will be aware enough to continue asking myself these questions while also being open to any new life-changing questions that come my way.
