Tag: balance

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Awareness & Perception Mindfulness & Peacefulness

Shifting Shadows

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What if the doorway to lasting freedom, peace, and happiness was at the end of a long, dimly lit hallway? You can’t see the door, but you’ve heard that it’s there. All you can see are strange, shifting shadows. Some of these shadows are familiar, but others are not.

You look around and notice that there are openings along the hallway. The light through these openings is distorted, filtered, and sometimes even blocked by whatever is out there. You wonder what it is that’s causing these shadows because you know that you want to walk toward the doorway.

After thinking about it for a few minutes, you realize that these shadows are the only things between you and the opportunity to enjoy lasting freedom, peace, and happiness.

What would you do? 

I would have to ask myself a few questions. Are shadows really things? Do they have a substance? Can you touch them, hold them, weigh or measure them? How can a shadow stand between you and your opportunities?

This sounds like the beginning of a very interesting fictional story, but it isn’t. This is the story of our lives.

These shadows are real.

Shadows are the parts of ourselves that have been disowned, neglected, and pushed to the side. These are the parts that we learned were unacceptable because they didn’t fit with what our family or society wanted us to be. Maybe these are the parts of yourself that don’t fit with what you want to be or how you want others to see you.

The interesting thing is that we may not even be aware of some of these shadows in our personality.

Have you ever wondered why everyone is being so ____________?

Fill in the blank however you choose. Some people might fill in the blank with words like angry, impatient, greedy, rude, insensitive, etc.

For me, lately, I have wondered why everyone is being so illogical. Things are happening that seem to make no sense at all. There are processes that don’t work and policies that don’t accomplish the goal they were intended to accomplish. People are doing things that are truly out of line with what any logical person would understand to be the way the world should work.

Why is this a problem for me? It’s not because these people or their illogical actions and policies directly impact me. Honestly, it’s really not a problem for me personally. There is no logical reason why I should have an emotional reaction to these things.

Thankfully, I have been practicing meditation and am able to notice these reactions within myself. That doesn’t mean I don’t experience the emotions or react without thinking. In fact, I have watched myself rant and rave about some illogical action and then wondered why I am being so illogical. At least I am able to bring the light of awareness to these previously hidden aspects of my personality.

Do the ideas of shadow and light seem familiar?

We could go back to the Bible to find references to shadows and light. Think about the book of Job. It is full of shadow language. There are also references to finding protection in the shadow. This makes sense because sometimes our shadow can protect us from aspects of ourselves that are too painful to face right now.

“He uncovers the hidden dimensions from darkness, bringing what is in deep shadow into light.” – Job 12:22 (ISV)

Around the same time, the Chinese presented this concept of light and shadow in the Tao Te Ching. The text was written around 500 BC to provide instruction about how to find balance in all things, including the way to live a virtuous life.

“A being must carry the shadow to embrace the light, and blend these vital breaths to make harmony.” – Tao Te Ching

The concept of “shadow work” has been a part of psychology since the time of Jung. He described the shadow as the disowned part of the self. Jung even went as far as to say that we project our disowned parts onto other people.

“Unfortunately there can be no doubt that man is, on the whole, less good than he imagines himself or wants to be. Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” – Jung

Here’s where the work comes in.

So, following the logic of Jung, these emotional triggers may be aspects of our shadows. We see them in other people and situations rather than recognizing them in ourselves or allowing ourselves to experience and own them.

According to this framework, seeing illogical people, processes, and situations all around me and having a strong emotional reaction to these things indicates that I have some personal work to do in this area.

Why do I have work to do in this area? Because I don’t like being pushed around by thought processes and feelings that are not making my life better.

Because I choose to walk down the dimly lit, winding hallway, I choose to face the shadows and see what is creating them.

Ready to do some shadow work?

Here are some suggestions for those of you who are brave enough to look for the shadows, sit with the discomfort, and learn the lessons that are presented.

  • Approach this process with an attitude of curiosity
  • Accept that we (and others) are both light and shadow
  • Practice meditation
  • Figure out which people, places, and situations trigger strong emotions
  • Stop running from your shadow by distracting yourself, numbing yourself, and zoning out
  • When you find aspects of your shadow, bring the light of love to those parts of yourself
  • Practice self-compassion
  • Be patient with yourself as you develop the courage to sit with difficult emotions
  • Accept that sometimes we need a guide to point us in the right direction
Categories
Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

There’s a Reason Why Basics are Basics

 

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Have you ever wondered why we are seeing this “back to basics” movement in areas like education, healthcare, and nutrition? Do we really want to go back to basics? In order to go back to basics, we have to accept that the whole system is integrated.

We can no longer work on isolated parts of the system while the rest of the system is holding us back. If one part of the system is not working well, then the rest of the system is bound to overwork, underwork, or otherwise malfunction. In order to see this, we have to take a step back and look at the whole interconnected system.

We will have to take the time to listen to our elders and respect the wisdom of their experiences. This point hit me hard this week. As an educator, I am surrounded by people who have been in this field for decades. I enjoy listening to their experiences. These veteran educators have the ability to look back and see the trends and patterns that I may not see. They also have a wealth of trial-and-error experience.

Maybe it hit me so hard because one of my favorite veteran educators just retired. Or maybe it was because one of my other favorite (not-so-veteran) educators heard that people aren’t really useful after 30 years. Or maybe it’s because this is my 15th year, and I am getting closer to being one of the dispensable elders in the field of education.

But…let’s get off of the subject of education and talk about something less controversial, like healthcare.

Real Food, Real Health

It’s interesting to see how our healthcare system started with a focus on nutrition…

“let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food” – Hippocrates

Our ancestors started out as hunter-gatherer societies, and then we operated small farms. Once manufacturing took over, we decided to outsource our nutrition. After years of processed food-like items and fast food, we are slowly returning to real food.

Our grandparents and great-grandparents knew what real food was. They also knew how to use food to treat many common conditions. For instance, there’s a reason that old fashioned chicken soup was used to treat a cold. Today, we know that the collagen, glutamine, and glycine that are released from boiling bones can help boost our immune system.

This is just one example of the wisdom of our elders. I’m sure you can think of many, many more examples. Even if they didn’t know the exact science behind why it worked, they knew what to do and eat to treat common problems.

Mind, Body, Spirit Connection

Of course, my favorite field of study is psychology. Did you know that psychology started out as a combination of philosophy and physiology? Finally, after years of studying the life of the mind, as a separate entity from the body, many psychologists are now going back to their roots. Recently, there have been more studies on embodied cognition. There is even an interesting new field of study called neurotheology.

For those who don’t care much about psychology, the point here is that many research psychologists are realizing that the mind, body, and spirit function as an interconnected unit. The best part is that there is published research on these previously esoteric topics.

The mind influences the body. Think about the placebo effect. Just the thought that something is going to make you feel better, can really make you feel better. Do you remember the last time your child scraped their knee? Did you kiss it and make it better? Well, that’s one example of the mind influencing the body.

The body influences the mind too. Think about how you feel when you smile or how you feel when you intentionally pull your shoulders up to your ears. What does your body posture say about you? How does changing one small thing, like smiling more, make you feel different?

And, now here’s the kicker, all three of these work together. The nutrition we take in influences both the body and the mind. Many of the neurotransmitters that impact our brain are actually produced in our gut. Imagine that, the “gut feeling” could be based on a real chemical change that started in your gut.

Valuing Other’s Experiences

Hopefully, this cyclical process of knowledge creation and integration will lead to some sort of balance between the wisdom of the elders and the vision of the youth.

I truly believe that our elders, in any field, should be honored for their wisdom and experiences. Maybe there are things that the younger generation can do faster or easier, but without the benefit of experience, we are truly bound to make the same mistakes over and over again.

Here is my challenge to you. First, spend some time talking to someone who you consider an elder in your field. Maybe your field is being a stay-at-home mom. That’s great. Talk to a grandmother or grandfather about how they handled common life situations. Think about how their strategies could be tweaked to work in today’s society.

Second, honor the wisdom of others and the knowledge they can provide. Regardless of how long someone has been in a particular job, none of us is useless or dispensable. There is value in each and every individual. It’s up to us to be open to seeing that value. In my opinion, that’s as basic as it gets.

 

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Awareness & Perception Mindfulness & Peacefulness

Being Gentle with Emotions

Is “sangry” a word? It depends on who you ask. My Gordon students and I decided that if “hangry” could be an adjective and “Google” could be a verb, then “sangry” should have a place at the table too. 

I needed this word a few days ago. I just could not figure out how I felt about a situation. Sometimes I witness situations that leave me feeling confused. This was one of those situations. Eventually, I decided that I was both sad and angry. 

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CDC and ACEs

A few years ago, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) studied the impact of adverse childhood events (ACEs) on health. So, what are these ACEs? In short, ACEs are traumatic events. The CDC looked at instances of physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, parental divorce, parental mental health, parental substance abuse, and parental incarceration. I think we could all agree that those would be considered traumatic events. Unfortunately, they are all too common.

Think about your own past. How many ACEs do you think you experienced growing up? If you are a teacher, think about the things that some of your more challenging students have experienced. Chances are, the ones who are the most difficult have experienced the most trauma through exposure to ACEs.

The CDC found that more than half of their sample experienced at least one ACE. Almost 25% had experienced three or more ACEs. They also found that people who experienced more ACEs also had more obesity, mental health issues, smoking, heart disease, liver disease, suicide attempts, and more.

ACEs and Thinking

When we are constantly exposed to traumatic experiences, our brains learn to operate in survival mode. Our amygdala is the part of the brain that is naturally alert to any sign of danger, but trauma exaggerates this natural protection response.

Think about the last time you were watching a scary movie. If someone touched you on your shoulder or knocked on the door, you probably jumped, or maybe you even screamed. Now, imagine if you walked around in that hyper-alert state all the time. That would make life a little more challenging, wouldn’t it?

Another challenge with operating in survival mode is that it diverts brain energy away from the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain that we use to think through things, plan our responses, monitor our behaviors, and delay gratification.

All of these functions are necessary to be successful in our daily lives. Unfortunately, when we are hijacked by the amygdala, our brains have a hard time doing anything besides focusing on keeping us safe and alive.

A Gentle Response

Knowing all this, how do we respond to people who are suffering from the effects of trauma or ACEs? Approaching the situation with gentleness seems like a good start.

Think about the last time you were upset, I mean really upset. Maybe you were very angry or frustrated or just extremely overwhelmed. Were you able to think rationally? Were you able to process the “if, then” statements or rational justifications from the people around you? Probably not. Most likely, you needed compassion first.

Being gentle with someone who is upset takes patience and compassion. In order to do this, we have to be able to take a step back and see the situation from their perspective. That’s not always easy to do, especially in the busyness of daily life. It can help to remember that they are probably confused, afraid, and extremely stressed.

Once the person is calm, then they can understand more rational logic. That’s when they can think about their actions and the consequences. While they are still upset, the only thing they can do is attempt to protect themselves, in whatever way they have learned. By balancing compassion and consequences, we can begin to help people move forward in a more resourceful manner.

So, from my perspective, my first goal when working with someone who is upset is to help them calm down. I will get on their level and ask them to breathe with me. I might even gently touch their hand or shoulder. I will definitely make sure my facial expression and tone of voice demonstrate compassion. Once they can think and speak clearly, I will use those fabulous active listening strategies. It takes a little extra effort to engage this way, but it’s worth it in the end.

 

 

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Balanced Nutrition

How Did You Lose All That Weight? Pt. 2 – Balanced Nutrition

Did you know that successful weight loss is primarily a result of what you eat? I used to think that exercise was the key, but I was wrong. I’m not saying that we don’t need to exercise. In fact, balanced exercise is vital to overall health. What I am saying is that it is extremely hard, if not impossible, to exercise enough to work off a habit of making unhealthy food choices. Not to mention the fact that when you eat junk you don’t really have the energy to exercise.

If you didn’t read Part 1 of this series, it would probably be in your best interest to read that one first. It covers the importance of our beliefs about food, exercise, and health. Without understanding your beliefs, any behavior change is likely to fail.

According to Robert Kegan’s research, and my experience, we will unconsciously sabotage our own efforts to prove that our underlying beliefs are correct. So, it’s best to figure out why you are doing something before you try to change it.

Keep It Simple

One of my favorite food journalists is Michael Pollan. In The Omnivore’s Dilemma, he offers three guidelines for eating: “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.” He goes on to provide a filter through which we can consider our food choices: “Don’t eat anything your great-grandmother wouldn’t recognize as food.” That seems pretty simple until you try to put it into practice.

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So, what does this mean in today’s fast-paced, microwaved, super-sized world? It means that if we are going to eat healthy foods that nourish our body, mind, and spirit, we need to take a step back.  In order to make healthy food choices, we need to allow ourselves the mental space and time to consider what our bodies really need. You may even need to start planning and preparing your meals in advance.

For those who are interested, my daily eating habits typically include Bulletproof coffee (with butter and MCT oil), vegetables, meat, nuts, and a little fruit. That’s about it. I still enjoy eating out occasionally, but I try to stick with low-carb options.

If you are trying to lose weight, I suggest that you temporarily reduce the amount of fruit. If you do eat fruit, then stick with berries.

Experiment and Personalize

Figure out what works for your body. There is no “one-size-fits-all” eating plan. Here are some general areas to consider when you begin to experiment with your own eating style.

Macronutrient Ratios

This refers to the balance between carbohydrates, protein, and fat. The basic advice you will usually receive is to eat 45-65% of your calories in carbohydrates, 10-35% in protein, and 20-35% in fat. That might work for you, but it did not work for me.

I found that I could easily lose weight if my carbohydrate intake was less than 75 grams per day. For me,  that is typically 20-25% of my daily calories. I discovered this by systematically adjusting my diet and tracking my weight to see how different ratios impacted weight loss or gain. At one point, I started adding more carbohydrates to stop losing weight!

Over the years, I have discovered that many people lose weight on a lower carbohydrate diet. This does not mean that you should eat 75 grams of carbohydrates per day. What it does mean is that you should begin to track your food intake and weight to see what your body needs.

Inflammatory Foods

There have been studies linking chronic inflammation to diabetes, obesity, heart disease, and mental health conditions, among other problems. If you can avoid foods that lead to inflammation, it makes sense to do that for your weight as well as your overall health.

Some common inflammatory foods are sugar, vegetable-based cooking oils, trans fats, alcohol, dairy, and refined grains. Many people respond negatively to these foods, but there are also individual food sensitivities and allergies to consider.

For instance, I am sensitive to gluten. When I eat food containing gluten I wake up the next day with puffy eyes, swollen hands, and a stuffy nose. Time and time again, this is what I have found.

Do you know what foods you are sensitive to? Tracking your food and watching your responses is a great way to learn more about the right foods for your body. If you want a more stringent strategy, you might try a 30-day elimination diet.

Timing of Meals

There has been a lot of advice in the media about eating several small meals a day or only eating during a certain window of time (intermittent fasting). I’m not here to tell you that either one is better. From what I have seen, both strategies (as well as the traditional three meals a day) can work.

The main thing to consider is whether or not you are actually hungry. If you are hungry, then you should eat something. The tricky part is knowing if you are hungry. Before you decide to eat something, just take a minute to check in with yourself. If you decide that you are hungry, think about what you really want to eat rather than just grabbing something convenient.

It is also important to stop eating when you are full. Eat a little more slowly so that you can notice when the food no longer tastes amazing. Or maybe you can even notice the beginning sensations of food entering your stomach. In order to do these things, you have to begin paying attention to the signals that your body is sending you.

Technology Can Help

There are several technology tools that we can use to keep us on track. Here are a few of my favorites:

  • MyFitnessPal: Many people use this simple app to track what they eat. I also use it to track my weight. It will allow you to print a graph of your weight and macronutrients over a certain period of time. This function allowed me to figure out the right macronutrient ratio for my body.
  • GymPact: This app serves as an accountability partner. You set your weekly goals for getting exercise, logging food, and eating vegetables. If you reach your goals, you get paid. If you fail to reach your goals, you have to pay. We are talking about real money here.  I use this on and off, just to keep myself accountable.
  • Fitbit: My favorite feature is the sleep tracking function. It has helped me figure out how much sleep I need to feel my best. Sleep is another one of those factors that can make or break your weight loss efforts, so it’s pretty important.

Please Share and Comment

Of course, this post is a little long. It is one of my favorite subjects and there is so much more that could be added. I hope this has been beneficial. Try some of the strategies for personalizing your own diet. Remember to document what you are doing and track your progress. That is the only way to know if it is working for you.

As always, let me know how it goes.

 

Categories
Mindfulness & Peacefulness

Balancing Self-Care and Serving Others

Anytime you fly on an airplane, you hear the same safety speech from the flight attendants. During one part of the message, the flight attendant tells you that in the event of an emergency you are to put your own oxygen mask on first. If you think about it in the context of daily life, that’s a pretty profound lesson.

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Sometimes we get so busy giving to others, or just getting through the to-do list, that we forget to take care of ourselves. You know you’re not practicing good self-care when you are starting to feel symptoms of burnout.

You might have a sense that the things that were good in the past just aren’t right anymore. You might also have the feeling that you are being used or that people just take from you all the time. Those things may be true, but they could also be signs that you are not taking good care of yourself.

Another thing that happens to some people is that they start to overreact to small inconveniences. Many people actually develop physical illnesses when they are not practicing good self-care. The great news is that you have the ability to recognize and change this pattern of behavior.

Beliefs About Self-Care

Your beliefs about self-care matter much more than you might think. If we can understand the beliefs and values behind our actions, then it becomes much easier to make the changes that we need to make.

The scary part is that most of us don’t actually know what we believe about self-care because we have never taken the time to think about it. For just a moment, imagine yourself doing something that nourishes your body, mind, and spirit. Really see yourself doing it. Imagine how you will feel.

Now, think about the following questions:

  • How do you define self-care?
  • What are some of the benefits of taking care of yourself?
  • What are some of the cultural messages you have received about people who spend time taking care of themselves?
  • What are some of the disadvantages of taking care of yourself?
  • What do you think you would have to give up in order to take better care of yourself?

If you came up with some negative cultural messages about being selfish or having better, more important things to do, then you are in good company. Most people I talk to have one or more of these types of beliefs about self-care. Ask yourself if these beliefs are really true, for you, right now. Maybe they are or maybe you need to run a little experiment to test their truth.

Once you have identified your own beliefs about self-care, you are in a good position to decide if this is something you want to work on. If you know you need to take better care of yourself, don’t let negative beliefs or cultural messages stop you.

Three Steps

  1. Define self-care in your own words. What would self-care look like for you? Be specific. What would you do? When would you do it? How often would you do it?
  2. Test the limits of your beliefs. What’s the worst thing that could happen if you take 10 minutes for yourself? How about taking a whole day?
  3. Try an experiment. Pick one thing that would nourish you, and do it. See what happens. Chances are you will feel much better, and the world will keep spinning.

Remember that you cannot give something that you do not have. If you want to give compassion and love to others, you must first give these things to yourself.

Categories
Thoughts on Change

Standing in Our Own Way

Sometimes things seem to spin out of control. But then, sometimes things seem to spin in perfect harmony. How do I (my perspective and my response) play a part in the outcome? It seems that we have much more control over how we interact with the world than most of us would like to admit. In fact, many times we are standing in the way of our own progress and happiness.

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Knowing What We Control

At work, many people come to me with concerns about situations that they (nor I) have much control over. What do I do? Well, as a good school psychologist and adult educator, I listen. I ask good questions to help them think through various aspects of the situation. Then, I wait for them to realize which part of the situation they can do something about.

Typically, the people I work with come up with brilliant ideas about how they can improve their part of the situation. The place they often get stuck is trying to get other people to change or do things their way. I’m guilty of this too. It’s just easier to see it in other people.

Changing What We Can

This means that we know which parts of a situation are within our control. It also means being able to clearly see how we are keeping ourselves from making positive changes. Sometimes we get stuck thinking about “what if…” or “yes, but…” and talk ourselves out of making changes.

There are psychologically based reasons that we do this. We could talk about cognitive dissonance, where our brains create weird equations to help us balance our beliefs and actions (including words). Or we could talk about the immunity to change where we unconsciously sabotage our change efforts in an attempt to protect ourselves from something.

Either way, we have to recognize and acknowledge what is standing between our current behavior and the change we know we need to make.

Letting Go Of The Rest

Once we recognize what we can control and figure out how we are standing in our own way, then we are free to come up with some logical next steps for our own personal change goal. We are still committed to correcting the situation by doing what we can do.

When we fully own our part we can let go of the desire to change others or get them to do things our way. We can free ourselves from the pressure to “save” the world.

The Dynamic Balance

Maybe it’s just me, but I would like to see everyone live a life that is happy, free, and balanced. But, that’s not the case for everyone, for many, many reasons. At this point in my life, I am honored to share what I know with those who want to make positive changes in their lives.

For those who want to keep spinning in circles, that’s their choice. The fact that there is a better way to live life is what gets me out of bed in the morning. It’s the reason I go to work every day. And, it’s the reason I continually remind myself that those who do not want to grow and change are not the people I am here to serve.

Please Share and Comment

Do you ever find yourself standing in your own way? Do you ever feel like you keep going in circles around the same problems? What benefit are you getting from repeating these same patterns? How do you get out of your own way?