Tag: perspective

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Awareness & Perception

Powerful Questions

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Can you remember the last time someone asked you a question that changed the way you see everything? Maybe this is the question that changes things. If not, maybe this post will encourage you to start looking for those questions.

There are some questions that can be answered rather quickly, usually with a yes or no response. For example, did you have a good day? Yes.

There are other questions that require more than yes or no but still lend themselves to fairly rote responses. What did you do today? I wrote a report, answered some emails, and talked to a few teachers.

These are the more common questions we encounter in our daily lives. But then there are other questions that can’t be answered so quickly or easily. These questions, if we sit with them, can change the way we see ourselves, others, and the world.

Right or Happy?

More than a decade ago my intern supervisor asked me one of these life-changing questions.

I suppose I was a little argumentative. My parents told me I was persistent. Regardless of how I label the behavior, I’m sure it looked the same from the outside.

I always thought that given enough time and evidence, I could convince others to see my perspective and understand that I was right. I would explain, give examples, and try to convince them. Eventually, my supervisor asked me if I would rather be right or happy.

I couldn’t understand why I had to choose. I wanted both.

Now I can see the wisdom in her question. Some things are not worth compromising my peace of mind. As I’ve grown, the line I draw in the sand has shifted.

Over the years I have come to see that her question can be used to realign my perspective with reality. It has also served as a measuring tool for where I am on my personal journey of spiritual growth.

Who’s Stuff?

One of the topics in psychology that has always fascinated me is projection. Basically, the teaching is that we take whatever is in us and project it onto others and the world in general.

For example, when I am having a great day and feeling good on the inside, people seem considerate and caring. The opposite is also true. When I am already feeling stressed or impatient, others seem to be more inconsiderate or even rude.

Another way to think about this is that we see what we are looking for. Yet another way to understand it is that we attract what we offer.

So, who’s stuff is this anyway? That’s the question I try to remember to ask myself.

When I am experiencing anxiety or anger I ask myself where it is coming from. Is this my emotion that I have suppressed or otherwise ignored? Is this a part of me that I am currently choosing not to recognize? Is it coming from somewhere else? Who’s anxiety or anger am I really feeling right now?

I’ve found that, at this point in my life, there isn’t always a clear answer. We are deeply connected to others on many levels so if we aren’t careful we can feel ourselves taking on the emotions of the people we are interacting with.

For instance, think about a time when someone told you about being so angry at someone for whatever they did. Do you remember feeling angry right along with them? Knowing where to draw those emotional and energetic boundaries is an important life lesson.

Sometimes it’s clearly someone else’s emotion, like anger, that they are projecting onto me. Those times are obvious. When the cashier seems to be rude for no apparent reason, that’s not my stuff. Knowing that allows me to respond with kindness rather than anger, most of the time.

In any case, taking the time to ask the question gives me a moment to clarify what I really feel. Lately, this has become an inner conversation about the facts of the event and the story I’ve told myself about it.

New Questions

Recently, a friend of my daughter asked me an interesting question. It was a very simple question on the surface, but it caused me to think deeply about something I had never considered.

She wanted to know the scariest thing I had learned about the brain. That’s simple enough, right? I know what the words mean…scarry…brain. But, I had never thought of them in relation to one another.

I would love to say that I gave her a profound response. I didn’t even have a response. I’m not sure how long I thought about it before I came up with something that I thought was half-way acceptable.

At that moment, the only thing that came to mind was the process of memory creation. It is scary that memories can be implanted by others.

There is a classic study about implanting memories of being lost at the mall as a child. Many people in the study came to believe that they had been lost at the mall, especially if they were told this by a trusted relative. The interesting part is that, to their knowledge, none of the study participants had actually been lost at the mall.

After I thought about the question a little more I have come up with a few other answers.

It’s scary that our brain has the power to create disease. It’s wonderful that it has the power to create health and relieve disease.

It’s scary that I am ultimately responsible for how I perceive and respond to myself and anything that happens in my life. It’s wonderful that I have the opportunity to reassess how I experience and participate in anything that does not serve my highest good and the good of those around me.

Even now, it’s obvious to me that this is one of those questions that I will continue to revisit for decades. I am so grateful for her insightful question.

The power in these questions is that they have the ability to show me what is important to me at this moment. They are wonderful tools for self-reflection.

Hopefully, I will be aware enough to continue asking myself these questions while also being open to any new life-changing questions that come my way.

Categories
Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

There’s a Reason Why Basics are Basics

 

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Have you ever wondered why we are seeing this “back to basics” movement in areas like education, healthcare, and nutrition? Do we really want to go back to basics? In order to go back to basics, we have to accept that the whole system is integrated.

We can no longer work on isolated parts of the system while the rest of the system is holding us back. If one part of the system is not working well, then the rest of the system is bound to overwork, underwork, or otherwise malfunction. In order to see this, we have to take a step back and look at the whole interconnected system.

We will have to take the time to listen to our elders and respect the wisdom of their experiences. This point hit me hard this week. As an educator, I am surrounded by people who have been in this field for decades. I enjoy listening to their experiences. These veteran educators have the ability to look back and see the trends and patterns that I may not see. They also have a wealth of trial-and-error experience.

Maybe it hit me so hard because one of my favorite veteran educators just retired. Or maybe it was because one of my other favorite (not-so-veteran) educators heard that people aren’t really useful after 30 years. Or maybe it’s because this is my 15th year, and I am getting closer to being one of the dispensable elders in the field of education.

But…let’s get off of the subject of education and talk about something less controversial, like healthcare.

Real Food, Real Health

It’s interesting to see how our healthcare system started with a focus on nutrition…

“let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food” – Hippocrates

Our ancestors started out as hunter-gatherer societies, and then we operated small farms. Once manufacturing took over, we decided to outsource our nutrition. After years of processed food-like items and fast food, we are slowly returning to real food.

Our grandparents and great-grandparents knew what real food was. They also knew how to use food to treat many common conditions. For instance, there’s a reason that old fashioned chicken soup was used to treat a cold. Today, we know that the collagen, glutamine, and glycine that are released from boiling bones can help boost our immune system.

This is just one example of the wisdom of our elders. I’m sure you can think of many, many more examples. Even if they didn’t know the exact science behind why it worked, they knew what to do and eat to treat common problems.

Mind, Body, Spirit Connection

Of course, my favorite field of study is psychology. Did you know that psychology started out as a combination of philosophy and physiology? Finally, after years of studying the life of the mind, as a separate entity from the body, many psychologists are now going back to their roots. Recently, there have been more studies on embodied cognition. There is even an interesting new field of study called neurotheology.

For those who don’t care much about psychology, the point here is that many research psychologists are realizing that the mind, body, and spirit function as an interconnected unit. The best part is that there is published research on these previously esoteric topics.

The mind influences the body. Think about the placebo effect. Just the thought that something is going to make you feel better, can really make you feel better. Do you remember the last time your child scraped their knee? Did you kiss it and make it better? Well, that’s one example of the mind influencing the body.

The body influences the mind too. Think about how you feel when you smile or how you feel when you intentionally pull your shoulders up to your ears. What does your body posture say about you? How does changing one small thing, like smiling more, make you feel different?

And, now here’s the kicker, all three of these work together. The nutrition we take in influences both the body and the mind. Many of the neurotransmitters that impact our brain are actually produced in our gut. Imagine that, the “gut feeling” could be based on a real chemical change that started in your gut.

Valuing Other’s Experiences

Hopefully, this cyclical process of knowledge creation and integration will lead to some sort of balance between the wisdom of the elders and the vision of the youth.

I truly believe that our elders, in any field, should be honored for their wisdom and experiences. Maybe there are things that the younger generation can do faster or easier, but without the benefit of experience, we are truly bound to make the same mistakes over and over again.

Here is my challenge to you. First, spend some time talking to someone who you consider an elder in your field. Maybe your field is being a stay-at-home mom. That’s great. Talk to a grandmother or grandfather about how they handled common life situations. Think about how their strategies could be tweaked to work in today’s society.

Second, honor the wisdom of others and the knowledge they can provide. Regardless of how long someone has been in a particular job, none of us is useless or dispensable. There is value in each and every individual. It’s up to us to be open to seeing that value. In my opinion, that’s as basic as it gets.

 

Categories
Passion & Purpose

Looking For The Positive

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Life is full of experiences. The way we interpret the meaning of those experiences is up to each of us. Just like we all have different preferences in music and food, we also have different ways of understanding the people and events that happen around us.

A few weeks ago, I started to feel frustrated. There were things happening that I did not agree with, things that were not directly affecting me, but still indirectly affected the way I operated in the world. These were things I wanted to change. They were things that I thought could have been handled better or at least handled differently.

As life would have it, people started coming to me for advice on what they should do about their own frustrating situations. Now, this is not a coincidence. I have learned enough to know that I will find what I am looking for. The brain is an amazing organ that seeks what you ask it to seek and solves the problems that you ask it to solve.

If you talked to me over the past several weeks, and you happened to ask me how I was doing, then you heard me say something like…”I’m looking for the positive.” That’s my way of reminding myself of what Thumper said in Bambi, “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” I was well aware of my personal outlook. I was also aware that my outlook could easily sway the opinions of the people I talked to.

Fortunately, I found the positive that I was looking for, but not in the place I thought I would find it. Isn’t that the way it goes? I truly believe that God is the Divine Comedian. He will show me what I need to see, but usually in a completely different way than I expected.

Here’s what I found…purpose and passion can make the biggest difference when you’re trying to move from frustration to fulfillment. These past couple of weeks, while I was looking for the positive, I have met some amazing people who are completely in love with what they are doing with their lives. I’ve met politicians, engineers, homemakers, project managers, teachers, and insurance agents who truly believe that they are making a difference in the world by doing what they do.

That is the positive that I needed to see. I didn’t know it at first, but my frustration was related to seeing apathy in the people I thought should have been passionate about what they were doing. I was frustrated by watching people go through the motions when a little more passion could have made a big difference for a lot of people.

These conversations reminded me of a couple of lessons that I thought I had learned…

  • Focus on what you can control
  • Celebrate the small wins
  • Remember who you do it for
  • Talk about the positive
  • You will find what you look for

So, what’s the point of all this talk about passion and purpose? If you don’t know why you do what you do, you will probably feel frustrated. If you allow yourself to focus on the things you can’t control, you will probably feel frustrated. If you are not doing what you are called to do, you will almost certainly feel frustrated.

But, if you can notice when you are feeling frustrated, look for the positive, and remind yourself to focus on what you can control, then you can move back toward that amazing feeling of fulfillment.

Most people who read this probably know what it feels like to be in a flow state and be completely engaged in what you are doing. You have probably experienced the feeling that what you are doing right now is exactly what you are supposed to be doing right now.

But, I realize that some people may have never felt this way…this feeling of fulfillment. If you haven’t, here are some pointers to move you in that direction:

  • Pay attention to the things you love to think, read, learn, and talk about
  • Find ways to build more of those things into your day
  • Notice the way you feel when you make time to do something you love
  • Talk about the things that make you feel alive
  • Above all, share your passion with others because passion is contagious.

Can you imagine what our world would be like if everyone could find and do something they love?
Categories
Awareness & Perception

Work for the Cause, Not the Applause

Do you ever feel overworked, underpaid, or underappreciated? Most people have felt this way at one time or another. I have heard people describe it as swimming upstream, fighting a losing battle, chasing their tail, or running on fumes. These different ways of understanding our current reality can reveal a lot about our underlying values and current perspective.

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Our Perspective

If I were to ask you to think about an area of your life where you feel overworked or underappreciated, which area would it be? Would it be work, home, church, school, or friendships? Thinking about this area, what are your specific complaints?

Maybe you feel like you put in more effort than others. Maybe you believe that you are worth more than you currently receive. Maybe you think that people should recognize what you do and praise you for your contribution. These thoughts could be based on your assumptions about what others should be doing.

I can agree that it is difficult to keep putting forth your best effort when you don’t feel like others value your contribution. It would be nice if everyone put in the same amount of effort, received appropriate compensation for the value they contribute, and felt appreciated in all areas of life.

However, the truth is that we live in the real world. Things are not always going to be fair. Other people have their own perspectives and see the world through their own filters of assumptions, beliefs, and values.

Our Values

The more important factor here is that we can only control ourselves. Trying to convince people to change is typically a waste of time and energy. We have all heard the saying, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” Horses can be stubborn, but so can people.

So, how do we reconcile this situation? Like always, we focus on what we can change. If we step back from the situation, we can figure out our values in this specific area of life. Why are we doing what we are doing? Why do we keep going to work and putting forth our best effort? Why do we keep cleaning up the house, knowing it will be messy again tomorrow?

Is this something we really want to keep doing? Let’s be honest, sometimes we really are overworked and underappreciated. Maybe it’s time to step back and let someone else carry the load for a little while.

Align Our Values and Actions

Hopefully, we do these things for a reason that is bigger than applause or money. If we can see that our efforts are based on our values (not some external reward), then it becomes much easier to keep going. Knowing how to realign our values and shift our perspective can help us feel a little better about these situations.

I don’t know about you, but I do what I do because it aligns with my values. If my actions didn’t align with my values, I would consider finding something else to do with my time and energy.

However, there are times when I begin to feel overworked and underappreciated. When this happens, I remind myself of the reasons why I do what I do. For those who are interested, here are my beliefs, as I currently understand them.

  • I believe that it is important to give to others, based on what I have been given.
  • I believe that self-knowledge gives us greater flexibility.
  • I believe that awareness brings more opportunities for choice.
  • I believe that people make the best decisions they can make, based on their past experiences and future goals.
  • I believe that we are all more powerful than we realize.

 

 

Categories
Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

When you assume, you make…

When you assume, you make…

We all know how that statement usually ends, but do you know why assumptions are so important to our daily lives? The assumptions we hold about ourselves, others, and the world can make or break our efforts to live an authentic life and be the best version of ourselves that we can be. These assumptions also serve as the support structure for our beliefs and values. Starting with our assumptions, we can effectively shift our beliefs and values to more successfully support our goals.

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Have you ever asked yourself why you keep doing things that don’t move you in the direction of your goals? Sometimes I find myself stuck in a cycle of thinking about what I should or shouldn’t be thinking or doing. Or worse, thinking about what others should or shouldn’t be doing. This may seem like a productive thing to do, but it actually drains all of the energy that I could be using to create the outcomes I want.

There are ways to keep moving in a positive direction, starting with understanding our faulty assumptions. Once we understand ourselves a little more, we can more easily choose to see things differently and respond in a more helpful, productive way.

“Should”s and “Shouldn’t”s: Faulty Assumptions 

Our past experiences help us develop assumptions about ourselves, others, and the world in general. Some of these assumptions are adaptive and helpful. For instance, many people have learned that they should get up and go to work each day. That is helpful because (in the best situations) work makes you feel good about your contribution to the world, encourages personal growth, and allows you to pay your bills. Other assumptions are not as helpful and actually keep us stuck in dysfunctional thought processes.

Media Messages

For example, let’s think about the media messages regarding what it means to be a woman in today’s world. We are taught that women should be beautiful (but make it look effortless), submissive (but be able to stand on our own), smart (but not smarter than others), compassionate (but hold ourselves to a standard of perfection), and employed (but also take care of the family and home). It is almost impossible to balance all of these shoulds and maintain any sense of being centered and calm, much less live from a place that feels authentic.

I am sure there are plenty of other shoulds that our young women today have internalized from the popular culture. You can probably think of a much longer list than this one. For example, my daughter “should” be a straight “A” student and a superstar athlete.

If like my daughter, you have tried to master several domains, you are aware of how difficult it can be to give 100% in every area of life. Learning who we are, living from our authentic self, and practicing self-compassion can help keep things in balance.

I don’t mean to leave out the men. I know they receive cultural messages and have internalized faulty assumptions too. If you are male or have important men in your life, you can probably recognize some of the shoulds that they are expected to uphold…men should be strong (but also sensitive), hardworking (but also available for the family), independent (but just needy enough to build relationships), and powerful (but also protective of others). Again, this balance is almost impossible without a stable base of self-knowledge from which to live an authentic life.

Family and Friends

These media messages aren’t the only place (or even the first place) where we learn cultural standards that can lead to faulty assumptions. We can also internalize them from our family and friends.

Some of these assumptions come from things we learned during our childhood. During the first few years of life, we are dependent on our parents for everything. Our parents are responsible for keeping us alive and teaching us how to interact with the world.

If we have parents who are responsive and caring, we tend to learn that the world is a safe place where our needs can be met. If on the other hand, we have parents who are abusive or neglectful, then we tend to learn that the world is not a safe place. We may even come to believe that we have to always keep our guard up or that everyone is out to get us.

I know that some psychologists have been criticized for blaming everything on parents, but there is no way around the fact that our parents are the primary influence during our early development. In fact, childhood trauma is highly correlated with mental health and physical health, even into adulthood.

I am not saying that we can blame all of our bad habits on our parents. What I am saying is that when we can recognize these influences, then we can take responsibility for our current thoughts and behaviors.

Moving beyond the early influence of parents, we also learn some of our assumptions from interacting with our friends and acquaintances.

Think about a time when you received praise for doing something well or achieving a major goal. Maybe you spent a lot of time and effort working on your physical beauty through eating healthy and exercising. If you were repeatedly praised for these improvements, you may have internalized the message that you should be beautiful or thin in order to be worthy of love (or praise, or admiration, or acceptance, etc.).

Testing Our Assumptions

Basing our worth on fulfilling faulty assumptions is a dangerous way to live. It’s also a very tentative way of understanding our place in the world. Without self-knowledge, we are floating in the wind, going whichever way the winds of life blow us. We are left without a stable base from which to interact with the world.

Exploring our assumptions is a good way to gain self-knowledge. If you want to explore your faulty assumptions, try watching your thought patterns and habitual behaviors in a specific area of your life. Pick one area that is not working well and explore your assumptions in that area. Ask yourself these questions:

  • What messages have I received from the media about this area of life?
  • What are my “should”s and “shouldn’t”s about myself, others, and the world?
  • Complete this statement: In order to be worthy, I should…
  • Complete this statement: In order to be worthy, I shouldn’t…
  • What childhood experiences might be related to these faulty assumptions?
  • Were there times in my life where these assumptions were helpful or protective?
  • Are there any patterns in my language that could reveal my assumptions? What do I repeatedly say to myself? What do I repeatedly say to others?
  • Are these assumptions always true?
  • Have there been times when I didn’t follow these assumptions? How did it work out?

Hopefully, these self-reflection questions will provide you with some insight about how your faulty assumptions are contributing to your current thoughts and behaviors.

If you need individual guidance, contact me.

Categories
Awareness & Perception Mindfulness & Peacefulness

Being Gentle with Emotions

Is “sangry” a word? It depends on who you ask. My Gordon students and I decided that if “hangry” could be an adjective and “Google” could be a verb, then “sangry” should have a place at the table too. 

I needed this word a few days ago. I just could not figure out how I felt about a situation. Sometimes I witness situations that leave me feeling confused. This was one of those situations. Eventually, I decided that I was both sad and angry. 

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CDC and ACEs

A few years ago, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) studied the impact of adverse childhood events (ACEs) on health. So, what are these ACEs? In short, ACEs are traumatic events. The CDC looked at instances of physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, parental divorce, parental mental health, parental substance abuse, and parental incarceration. I think we could all agree that those would be considered traumatic events. Unfortunately, they are all too common.

Think about your own past. How many ACEs do you think you experienced growing up? If you are a teacher, think about the things that some of your more challenging students have experienced. Chances are, the ones who are the most difficult have experienced the most trauma through exposure to ACEs.

The CDC found that more than half of their sample experienced at least one ACE. Almost 25% had experienced three or more ACEs. They also found that people who experienced more ACEs also had more obesity, mental health issues, smoking, heart disease, liver disease, suicide attempts, and more.

ACEs and Thinking

When we are constantly exposed to traumatic experiences, our brains learn to operate in survival mode. Our amygdala is the part of the brain that is naturally alert to any sign of danger, but trauma exaggerates this natural protection response.

Think about the last time you were watching a scary movie. If someone touched you on your shoulder or knocked on the door, you probably jumped, or maybe you even screamed. Now, imagine if you walked around in that hyper-alert state all the time. That would make life a little more challenging, wouldn’t it?

Another challenge with operating in survival mode is that it diverts brain energy away from the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain that we use to think through things, plan our responses, monitor our behaviors, and delay gratification.

All of these functions are necessary to be successful in our daily lives. Unfortunately, when we are hijacked by the amygdala, our brains have a hard time doing anything besides focusing on keeping us safe and alive.

A Gentle Response

Knowing all this, how do we respond to people who are suffering from the effects of trauma or ACEs? Approaching the situation with gentleness seems like a good start.

Think about the last time you were upset, I mean really upset. Maybe you were very angry or frustrated or just extremely overwhelmed. Were you able to think rationally? Were you able to process the “if, then” statements or rational justifications from the people around you? Probably not. Most likely, you needed compassion first.

Being gentle with someone who is upset takes patience and compassion. In order to do this, we have to be able to take a step back and see the situation from their perspective. That’s not always easy to do, especially in the busyness of daily life. It can help to remember that they are probably confused, afraid, and extremely stressed.

Once the person is calm, then they can understand more rational logic. That’s when they can think about their actions and the consequences. While they are still upset, the only thing they can do is attempt to protect themselves, in whatever way they have learned. By balancing compassion and consequences, we can begin to help people move forward in a more resourceful manner.

So, from my perspective, my first goal when working with someone who is upset is to help them calm down. I will get on their level and ask them to breathe with me. I might even gently touch their hand or shoulder. I will definitely make sure my facial expression and tone of voice demonstrate compassion. Once they can think and speak clearly, I will use those fabulous active listening strategies. It takes a little extra effort to engage this way, but it’s worth it in the end.

 

 

Categories
Mindfulness & Peacefulness Thoughts on Change

We all Miss the Mark

Do you know anyone who constantly criticizes themselves for not being perfect? You know, that person who always has to do everything right. If they make one mistake, they spend the next few days beating themselves up. I used to be one of those people. I began to realize that perfect was unattainable when I started teaching yoga. In fact, I still can’t do a headstand. But, practicing the headstand taught me that it was ok to fall and get back up again.

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I’ve been reading some research articles by Dr. Kristin Neff. She has spent her career studying self-compassion. You can find a free self-compassion test on her website. This post is my attempt to summarize her ideas and provide some practical tips.

Self-compassion is understood to have three components: an awareness of personal suffering, the recognition that we are all human, and the ability to offer comfort to ourselves. If you are self-critical, tend to get stuck in fear of failure, relive bad decisions that you made, or have thoughts about never being enough, the practice of self-compassion might be just what you need.

We all Experience Suffering

In my opinion, the first step is the hardest. For some reason, we tend to think that beating ourselves up will motivate us to do better next time. This is simply not true. In fact, it actually creates an extra barrier to our progress.

In order to experience self-compassion, we have to recognize that we are suffering and in need of compassion. Many times we fall short of our ideals, fail to reach our goals, or somehow miss the mark. Instead of recognizing that we are suffering, we begin to criticize ourselves.

You may not even recognize this self-criticism because it seems like such a natural thing to do. It might include things like, “I can’t believe I…,” “I shouldn’t have…, “I can’t ever…,” or “I always….” You might even find yourself repeatedly reliving the event or situation in your mind.

If you’ve been meditating and developed a basic level of mindfulness, you might catch this negative self-talk before it gets any worse. If not, you might end up saying things to yourself that you would never say to your worst enemy.

We are all Human

Once you can identify that you are suffering, then you have a choice of how to respond. You can choose to focus on your own suffering, believing that you are the only person in the world who has experienced this problem or you can choose a different perspective.

You can remind yourself that other people have experienced this before. In fact, other people are probably going through a similar problem right now. We are all flawed humans. No one is perfect. No matter what the outside image portrays, everyone faces challenges.

We all Deserve Compassion

Being compassionate toward others seems so easy. We see a person suffering, we recognize their pain, and we have some desire to relieve it. The sad truth is that many people who offer compassion to others fail to offer that same compassion to themselves.

Being compassionate towards ourselves is a very different story. For some reason, we seem to hold ourselves to a higher standard than we hold other people. If a friend makes a mistake, we offer understanding, comfort, and encouragement. Wouldn’t it be great if we could offer those same things to ourselves?

It’s really very simple. Just think of yourself as you would think of someone you love. Shift your self-talk from criticizing to comforting. Admit that you are suffering. Acknowledge the hurt, stress, discomfort, fear, pain, anger, etc. Whatever the emotion is, acknowledge it. Name it and feel it. Sit with the emotion instead of running from it or blaming someone else.

Once you can acknowledge and accept the emotion, then you are ready to offer yourself some love. Tell yourself that you are human. Remind yourself that we all make mistakes. Check in with yourself and ask what you need right now. Encourage yourself to try again. You could even put your hands over your heart or give yourself a hug.

The emotional freedom technique (EFT), created by Gary Craig, also helps to encourage self-compassion. It always begins with some version of this statement: “Even though I have this (pain, emotion, memory), I deeply and completely accept myself.”

Benefits of Self-Compassion

Having compassion for yourself will not erase the past or remove the natural consequences of your actions. What it will do is relieve you of the extra burden of continuing to punish yourself.

Self-compassion is related to increased life satisfaction, motivation, and happiness. It is also related to decreased stress, depression, and perfectionism. Those sound like worthy outcomes to me. It seems like it would make sense to practice self-compassion the next time we miss the mark.

Categories
Awareness & Perception

It’s All About Perspective

Have you ever had one of those days where everything that could go “wrong,” does go wrong? Well, I have. In fact, I’ve had many of those days. But, I’ve also had days where everything seems to go “right.”

The other day I was having a conversation with a couple of people. We were trying to figure out the best way to get something done. From my perspective, all I really needed was a definition of what they wanted. A couple of examples and non-examples would have been icing on the cake.

As the conversation continued, I started to realize that we were going in circles. At that point, I knew I was not going to get the clear guidance that I was looking for. Then I thought about all of the other things I needed to be doing. I felt myself slipping into a well-known pattern of cynical disconnection. I don’t really like to operate that way, so I made a choice.

I chose to take a few deep breaths. Once I was a little more centered, I remembered the technique that you will read in a few minutes. I tried this little thought experiment and immediately felt much better. I was able to rejoin the conversation from a different perspective. Although my question did not get answered, I was still able to see the value of spending my time in this particular conversation.

I’m starting to see that maybe it’s not always the things around me that are going wrong or right. Maybe it’s my view of those things that makes the difference. Maybe wrong and right are really based on where you stand when you look at the situation.

Three Steps to Shifting Your Perspective

Be Aware

In order to shift your perspective, first you have to pay attention to the fact that you have a unique perspective. We all see the world through our own filters of past experiences and internalized beliefs.

If you believe you are secure and the world is a safe place, then you may see things through a lens of order and predictability. You might have a sense that everything will work out in the end or that everything happens for a reason.

If you have a history of unresolved trauma, you may see many events as dangerous or negative. You might sense that everyone is out to get you or that bad things always happen to you.

Your current physical and mental condition also impact the filter through which you view the world. If you are stressed or tired, things will look more negative. If you are happy and nourished, things will look more positive. Knowing how you see the world will help you begin to determine if what you are seeing is truly reality or some skewed version based on your filters.

Knowing how you see the world will help you begin to determine if what you are seeing is truly reality or some skewed version based on your filters.

Another thing to be aware of is your triggers. Most people have things that trigger defensive, unproductive responses. These triggers could be situations, people, smells, visuals, etc. In the example above, my trigger was the feeling that I was wasting my time, which I believe is a valuable resource.

You want to learn your triggers because knowing what they are and how they effect you gives you more options. With awareness, you can more easily choose how to respond.

Be Curious

Once you are aware of your perspective, then you can start exploring it. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • How did I come to see the world this way?
  • Does this remind me of something in my past?
  • Is this a pattern for me?
  • Is there another way to see this situation?

If you are having a moment, you know, the kind where everything is horrible, just think of something unique. You could imagine what the world would look like if you saw everything upside down. You could also visualize the most curiously creative animal you can imagine. For me, in the conversation I talked about earlier, a purple elephant with green wings was the visual that came to mind.

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The goal here is to shift the energy in your brain away from the limbic system and back to the prefrontal cortex. Without going into the neuropsychology behind it, this simple thought experiment will allow your brain to calm down for a minute. Of course, you could also try some deep breathing or meditation.

Be Open

The last step is very simple. Just try to be open to seeing things from a different perspective. Think about how someone else, with a different past, or different resources, might view the situation.

As you practice recognizing your perspective, you will learn how to easily shift into a more desired state of mind. Being open to exploring your own thoughts and reactions will naturally lead to more awareness and more choice.

Please Share and Comment

Have you noticed how easy it is to get stuck seeing the world through your own filters? Imagine what your life would be like if you could recognize the past experiences and internal beliefs that inform your view of the world? What if you could identify and neutralize some of your triggers? Well, you can. It just takes some practice.

If you found this practice helpful, share it with your friends.