Tag: choice

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Thoughts on Change

Two paths diverged: How we break habits

What does Robert Frost’s poem have to do with Hebb’s rule and classical conditioning? Funny you should ask. Let me explain…

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Habits, good and bad, can be thought of as classically conditioned responses to stimuli. What does that mean? It means that when you smell food, your brain is triggered to find and eat the food. It also means that over time these responses become automatic. The space between your encounter with the smell of the food and your behavior of putting the food in your mouth becomes shorter. Not you? Are you sure? Have you ever found yourself opening the bag of chips and wonder how that happened? Maybe your habit is something different. The point is the same. Something inside or outside triggers us and we engage in a routine behavior without much thought. This is the essence of classical conditioning.

When I think of classical conditioning, I can’t help but think about Hebb’s rule: neurons that fire together, wire together. It’s true. The more two things are paired, the stronger the association becomes. It’s also true that when we intentionally stop pairing them the association weakens.

If you read my bio, you know that I love to go hiking. You may not know that I prefer to hike the paths that fewer people have taken. I want to see and experience things that most people haven’t seen. That desire drives me to hike steep mountains over treacherous terrain. I’m not an athlete. I’m not really even in the best shape. I just have a desire to see as much of God’s handiwork as I can see during my lifetime.

You may be wondering how this relates to classical conditioning. Well, here’s my attempt to make it plain. When you have a choice between two options: drink alcohol or abstain; use drugs or abstain; eat unhealthy food or choose a healthy option; etc., the most common previous choice is the one you are most likely to choose. That is the path you see on the left side of the picture above. It is the wider path, having been traveled many times before. It didn’t start out that way though. All hiking trails started out as narrow paths through unknown territory. In fact, long ago, that’s how roads were created. Over time, the path became wider as it was traveled more often. The same thing happens with neural connections (habit patterns) in the brain. The more often we can choose the path less traveled, the easier it will be to travel down that path in the future.

If we want to find and break unhealthy habits, we must look for and travel the road less taken. We must also take the time to slowly build new habits. After all these years of hearing and reading Frost’s poem, did you ever imagine it could be used to talk about habits of behavior? I suppose someone did, but this is a new idea for me.

Categories
Awareness & Perception

Which Weeds Are You Watering?

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Which weeds are you watering? Notice the wording of the question. It doesn’t ask if you are watering weeds. The question assumes that you are watering weeds. It doesn’t imply that you should or shouldn’t be watering weeds. That is up to you to figure out. The question simply asks for awareness of, and self-reflection on, what you are watering.

We all water weeds, both in our gardens and in our lives.

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to have more time than you do? How can they work fulltime, attend their kids’ games, and still find time to take care of their physical and mental health? How do they run a company, help their kids with homework, teach Sunday school, and still make it to the gym?

Best of all, how do they do all of this without losing their peace of mind and even staying calm in the chaos of life? 

It’s easy to see that we all have 24 hours each day, but some people seem to be able to stretch those hours. That’s because these people have figured out how to stop watering the weeds. 

They spend their time and energy on the things that matter.

I recently watched The Art of Stopping Time by Pedram Shojai. It was a short video packed with a ton of wisdom. During the first 10-15 minutes of the video, Shojai relates our lives to a garden. In this analogy, he talks about the importance of identifying which five plants we really want in our garden and which weeds we keep watering.

This concept of the life garden (along with many, many other insightful concepts) is included on his website, podcast, and book: The Urban Monk.

One of the benefits of teaching Introduction to Psychology is that I get to touch on many interesting topics. There are many ways to address the ideas of consciousness and attention. Keeping in mind that one of my goals as an educator is to provide my students with things they can apply to daily life, I asked them to consciously consider how they spend their time and energy.

Many of my students are still trying to figure out how to balance the new freedom of college with the concept of deadlines. They struggle to understand why they can’t really multitask even though they think they should be able to. Some of them don’t know where their time goes each day. Now that I write it out, that sounds a lot like many adults I know, except for the “new freedom” part.

Anyway, as usual, I was impressed with their responses. They could clearly articulate what was important in their lives. They talked openly about the unnecessary things they continued to spend time and energy on. Honestly, my students gave most of the same answers that I would have given.

The most insightful part was our discussion about what to do about this new self-discovery. It’s one thing to acknowledge what is important and admit that you are not as focused on those things as you would like to be. It is an entirely different thing to be able to articulate and execute a plan to close the gap.

As you look over their list, think about your own life garden.

Top 10 Plants – Important to Us

  1. Family
  2. School
  3. Friends
  4. Work
  5. Spiritual
  6. Sports/Exercise
  7. Self-care
  8. Happiness
  9. Health
  10. Responsibilities

Top 10 Weeds – Waste of Time/Energy

  1. Social Media
  2. Phone
  3. Stress/Anxiety/Overthinking
  4. TV/Movies
  5. Procrastination
  6. Shopping
  7. Sugar
  8. Social Activities
  9. Multitasking
  10. Saying “yes” to Everything

So, what’s the solution?

The first step is self-reflection. We need to reflect on what is truly important. Whatever they are, it’s your life, they’re your priorities. Maybe they aren’t the same as someone else’s. That’s fine. After all, you are the one who will answer for your life choices.

Next, we have to take an honest look at our lives and see where our time and energy are going. This doesn’t have to be a minute-by-minute accounting ledger. It can be as easy as looking back over the day to see what you actually spent time doing or thinking about.

Then, we need to assess whether or not our time and energy are going toward the things that we identified as priorities. This is probably the easiest part of the entire process. I said it was important, and either I did it or I didn’t.

Now, here comes the hard part. This is where we figure out how to stop watering the weeds and start focusing on what’s important. For some people, it will be as easy as deleting some apps on their phones. For others, it might mean scheduling time for the things that are important…and actually sticking to it.

Here are a couple of self-reflection questions that have helped me.

  • Based on Shojai’s analogy, which five plants do you want in your garden? How much time and energy do those five plants need?
  • What weeds do you continue to water?
  • Why do you continue to water each of these weeds? What needs do they fulfill? Do they provide you with companionship, belonging, safety, or love? Or do they simply serve as a distraction from the hard work of life?
  • Can you think of an easy way to hold yourself accountable?
  • Do you journal? Maybe a daily journal practice will help keep account of your time and energy.
  • Could these priorities be written as goals?
  • Do you keep track of progress toward your goals?
  • How can saying yes to one thing mean saying no to other things?
  • How does all of this relate to procrastination and prioritization?

If you are concerned about the time you spend on social media or your phone, try downloading an app to help monitor your usage. Two apps that I know of are Moment and BreakFree. Who knows, getting a handle on this one area may help control the growth of the other weeds like stress, procrastination, and multitasking.

If you are interested in learning more about how to stop time, click on the link to register for access to the free video by Pedram Shojai: http://urltag.net/BqnhV

Categories
Awareness & Perception Mindfulness & Peacefulness

Shadow Boxing

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In the previous post, Shifting Shadows, I wrote about how we can identify and work with our own shadows. In essence, the shadow is composed of those parts of our personality that we hide from the world and possibly from ourselves.

For some people, the shadow has characteristics of extreme anger, jealousy, greed, neediness, ignorance, etc. Regardless of what parts of yourself have been deemed unacceptable by you or by society, if they are part of you then they are still there…lurking in the shadows.

Others Have Shadows Too

Since we don’t live in this world alone, it stands to reason that we will interact with other people. Guess what those people have? They have shadows too.

How do we know if we are interacting with repressed, unowned parts of another person? Well, sometimes we won’t know. Sometimes there is no way to tell what is happening with the other person. But, there are a few clues that can point us in the right direction.

  1. Defensiveness – Look for unprovoked defensive responses. Typically, you will notice repeated efforts to explain, defend, or deny an action. Some people even try to shift the blame when they become defensive.
  2. Emotionality – Pay attention to the times when people become overly emotional. They may be having a bad day, but they may also be unconsciously acting out aspects of their shadow.
  3. Projection – Sometimes people will unconsciously attribute their unwanted emotions or beliefs onto others. Look for times when someone may be asking you why you are so angry (replace with any other emotion/behavior/belief) or treating you like you are angry, but you truly know that you are not angry. This is an indication that they are unconsciously projecting this onto you.

Bill Harris, the founder of Centerpointe Research Institute, loves to say that awareness brings choice. When you are aware of your own personality and are able to watch yourself interact with others, then you can begin to recognize their shadows too.

Until you are able to wake up and increase your awareness of your own thoughts and feelings, then you will not be able to effectively distinguish between your shadow and someone else’s shadow.

How to Stop Shadow Boxing

It’s great to be able to recognize when you might be interacting with aspects of someone’s shadow. Now that we think we know what’s happening, what do we do?

We have a couple of options.

  1. Keep shadow boxing – You know how this feels. At the end of the interaction, you feel exhausted and frustrated. Nothing was accomplished. Noone learned anything or came to any new conclusions. Someone’s feelings got hurt. Noone grew emotionally or spiritually.
  2. Treat them with kindness – If you have enough awareness to realize this is happening, then you have the ability to choose a different response. Because you were once, probably not too long ago, where they are, you know how hard it can be to identify and reintegrate your shadow.
  3. Walk away – Sometimes it’s just easier to walk away from the person or situation. There will be days when you don’t have the awareness, inner balance, or emotional resilience to find kindness for this person. Dodging their attacks might be better for you both in the long run. This may seem like taking the easy way out. And it might be. But, sometimes easy is a good thing.

Regardless of which option you choose each day, the best part is knowing that when you are awake and aware, then you have a choice. But, be patient with yourself. We all fall asleep sometimes, right?

Categories
Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

There’s a Reason Why Basics are Basics

 

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Have you ever wondered why we are seeing this “back to basics” movement in areas like education, healthcare, and nutrition? Do we really want to go back to basics? In order to go back to basics, we have to accept that the whole system is integrated.

We can no longer work on isolated parts of the system while the rest of the system is holding us back. If one part of the system is not working well, then the rest of the system is bound to overwork, underwork, or otherwise malfunction. In order to see this, we have to take a step back and look at the whole interconnected system.

We will have to take the time to listen to our elders and respect the wisdom of their experiences. This point hit me hard this week. As an educator, I am surrounded by people who have been in this field for decades. I enjoy listening to their experiences. These veteran educators have the ability to look back and see the trends and patterns that I may not see. They also have a wealth of trial-and-error experience.

Maybe it hit me so hard because one of my favorite veteran educators just retired. Or maybe it was because one of my other favorite (not-so-veteran) educators heard that people aren’t really useful after 30 years. Or maybe it’s because this is my 15th year, and I am getting closer to being one of the dispensable elders in the field of education.

But…let’s get off of the subject of education and talk about something less controversial, like healthcare.

Real Food, Real Health

It’s interesting to see how our healthcare system started with a focus on nutrition…

“let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food” – Hippocrates

Our ancestors started out as hunter-gatherer societies, and then we operated small farms. Once manufacturing took over, we decided to outsource our nutrition. After years of processed food-like items and fast food, we are slowly returning to real food.

Our grandparents and great-grandparents knew what real food was. They also knew how to use food to treat many common conditions. For instance, there’s a reason that old fashioned chicken soup was used to treat a cold. Today, we know that the collagen, glutamine, and glycine that are released from boiling bones can help boost our immune system.

This is just one example of the wisdom of our elders. I’m sure you can think of many, many more examples. Even if they didn’t know the exact science behind why it worked, they knew what to do and eat to treat common problems.

Mind, Body, Spirit Connection

Of course, my favorite field of study is psychology. Did you know that psychology started out as a combination of philosophy and physiology? Finally, after years of studying the life of the mind, as a separate entity from the body, many psychologists are now going back to their roots. Recently, there have been more studies on embodied cognition. There is even an interesting new field of study called neurotheology.

For those who don’t care much about psychology, the point here is that many research psychologists are realizing that the mind, body, and spirit function as an interconnected unit. The best part is that there is published research on these previously esoteric topics.

The mind influences the body. Think about the placebo effect. Just the thought that something is going to make you feel better, can really make you feel better. Do you remember the last time your child scraped their knee? Did you kiss it and make it better? Well, that’s one example of the mind influencing the body.

The body influences the mind too. Think about how you feel when you smile or how you feel when you intentionally pull your shoulders up to your ears. What does your body posture say about you? How does changing one small thing, like smiling more, make you feel different?

And, now here’s the kicker, all three of these work together. The nutrition we take in influences both the body and the mind. Many of the neurotransmitters that impact our brain are actually produced in our gut. Imagine that, the “gut feeling” could be based on a real chemical change that started in your gut.

Valuing Other’s Experiences

Hopefully, this cyclical process of knowledge creation and integration will lead to some sort of balance between the wisdom of the elders and the vision of the youth.

I truly believe that our elders, in any field, should be honored for their wisdom and experiences. Maybe there are things that the younger generation can do faster or easier, but without the benefit of experience, we are truly bound to make the same mistakes over and over again.

Here is my challenge to you. First, spend some time talking to someone who you consider an elder in your field. Maybe your field is being a stay-at-home mom. That’s great. Talk to a grandmother or grandfather about how they handled common life situations. Think about how their strategies could be tweaked to work in today’s society.

Second, honor the wisdom of others and the knowledge they can provide. Regardless of how long someone has been in a particular job, none of us is useless or dispensable. There is value in each and every individual. It’s up to us to be open to seeing that value. In my opinion, that’s as basic as it gets.

 

Categories
Passion & Purpose

Looking For The Positive

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Life is full of experiences. The way we interpret the meaning of those experiences is up to each of us. Just like we all have different preferences in music and food, we also have different ways of understanding the people and events that happen around us.

A few weeks ago, I started to feel frustrated. There were things happening that I did not agree with, things that were not directly affecting me, but still indirectly affected the way I operated in the world. These were things I wanted to change. They were things that I thought could have been handled better or at least handled differently.

As life would have it, people started coming to me for advice on what they should do about their own frustrating situations. Now, this is not a coincidence. I have learned enough to know that I will find what I am looking for. The brain is an amazing organ that seeks what you ask it to seek and solves the problems that you ask it to solve.

If you talked to me over the past several weeks, and you happened to ask me how I was doing, then you heard me say something like…”I’m looking for the positive.” That’s my way of reminding myself of what Thumper said in Bambi, “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” I was well aware of my personal outlook. I was also aware that my outlook could easily sway the opinions of the people I talked to.

Fortunately, I found the positive that I was looking for, but not in the place I thought I would find it. Isn’t that the way it goes? I truly believe that God is the Divine Comedian. He will show me what I need to see, but usually in a completely different way than I expected.

Here’s what I found…purpose and passion can make the biggest difference when you’re trying to move from frustration to fulfillment. These past couple of weeks, while I was looking for the positive, I have met some amazing people who are completely in love with what they are doing with their lives. I’ve met politicians, engineers, homemakers, project managers, teachers, and insurance agents who truly believe that they are making a difference in the world by doing what they do.

That is the positive that I needed to see. I didn’t know it at first, but my frustration was related to seeing apathy in the people I thought should have been passionate about what they were doing. I was frustrated by watching people go through the motions when a little more passion could have made a big difference for a lot of people.

These conversations reminded me of a couple of lessons that I thought I had learned…

  • Focus on what you can control
  • Celebrate the small wins
  • Remember who you do it for
  • Talk about the positive
  • You will find what you look for

So, what’s the point of all this talk about passion and purpose? If you don’t know why you do what you do, you will probably feel frustrated. If you allow yourself to focus on the things you can’t control, you will probably feel frustrated. If you are not doing what you are called to do, you will almost certainly feel frustrated.

But, if you can notice when you are feeling frustrated, look for the positive, and remind yourself to focus on what you can control, then you can move back toward that amazing feeling of fulfillment.

Most people who read this probably know what it feels like to be in a flow state and be completely engaged in what you are doing. You have probably experienced the feeling that what you are doing right now is exactly what you are supposed to be doing right now.

But, I realize that some people may have never felt this way…this feeling of fulfillment. If you haven’t, here are some pointers to move you in that direction:

  • Pay attention to the things you love to think, read, learn, and talk about
  • Find ways to build more of those things into your day
  • Notice the way you feel when you make time to do something you love
  • Talk about the things that make you feel alive
  • Above all, share your passion with others because passion is contagious.

Can you imagine what our world would be like if everyone could find and do something they love?
Categories
Awareness & Perception

“13 Reasons Why” Should Be Required

Do you remember middle school and high school? For most people, these were not the best years of their lives. Maybe you are one of the few who would say that your teenage years were amazing. Or, maybe you were more like the rest of the people I know who wouldn’t go back to that time if you paid them.

Over the weekend, I watched all 13 episodes of 13 Reasons Why. For those of you who haven’t seen it, this is a Netflix series based on a book by Jay Asher. It is sad and life-changing. 13 Reasons Why should be required viewing for anyone who works with youth from middle school through college.

After watching this series, I will never dismiss any child’s warning signs again, no matter how trivial they might seem to my adult mind.

If you know me, you’ve probably heard me say that I live in my happy bubble. I don’t watch the news very much or get caught up in politics. I would much prefer to fill my mind with positive, uplifting information.

In my happy bubble, I like to think that small, close-knit communities are immune to these issues, but we’re not. This is a huge problem in Georgia, especially rural Georgia.

Did you know that death by suicide is on the rise in Georgia? In 2015, approximately 13% of the deaths of young people from ages 5-19 were attributed to suicide. That is up drastically from 5% in 2007.

In all honesty, that percentage is most likely an underestimate. Death by suicide is commonly covered up or blamed on something else in order to avoid the guilt and shame that typically accompanies this type of death.

To make it worse, on the most recent Youth Risk Behavior Survey, 18% of GA middle school students reported that they had seriously considered suicide. Whether we want to admit it or not, our young people are hurting.

It is up to all of us to watch out for signs of distress. If you know a young person who is exhibiting symptoms of depression, decreases in grades, increases in discipline problems, or simply withdrawing from the world, please get them some help.

We have to make ourselves available to our young people and be open to hearing what they have to say. We can listen to their experiences, help them think through their options, and show them that they are not alone. Even if they can’t explain what they are “feeling,” we can still walk along side them when life gets hard.

Knowledge is power, especially when we can use it to improve the lives of our young people. For more data, check out the GA Department of Public Health. It takes a little digging, but there is a wealth of data that has been collected over the past 20+ years.

 

 

Categories
Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

Dynamic Values: Figuring Out What You Want

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It’s pretty easy to set a goal. There are strategies for how to set the best kind of SMART goals. There are even techniques for monitoring your progress. The hard part seems to be staying on track after the initial excitement and motivation wear off.

Linking Values and Goals

Figuring out what you really want can help you keep moving in the right direction. In my opinion, the best way to set a goal is to ask yourself why you want that outcome in the first place. For example, I could say that my goal is to meditate daily for 10 minutes for the next 30 days. Here’s how the internal dialogue would go…

Well, why do I want that? I want to relieve stress.

And, what would that do for me? I would be happier and more peaceful.

Why do I want to be happier and more peaceful? I want to show up as the best version of myself.

And, what is important about being the best version of me? I want to offer my best to those around me.

So, there we have it. The true value behind my goal is a combination of authenticity and contribution. Thinking about these values, I can agree that these are two of my core values. It is very important to me to live in accordance with who I truly am and to give something positive to those around me.

Living Your Values

Knowing why I really want to meditate can encourage me to do it, even when I might not feel like I have time. Linking your core values to your goals is one of the keys to maintaining motivation toward achieving your goals. You could even try writing your goals in a way that includes your values. For instance, I could say, “I will meditate 10 minutes a day because I value authenticity and contribution.”

Acknowledging my core values could also give me some other ideas about small changes that I could make to more fully live in accordance with these values. In fact, these values are part of the reason that I decided to write a blog. There are plenty of other ways to live out these core values.

So far, I have found that the more I live in accordance with my values, the happier and more fulfilled I feel. This is one of the strategies I used when trying to work through my weight loss journey.

Finding Your Values

There are tons of values inventories available online. Most of them encourage you to identify your core values for life in general. In working with people, it seems that their values are different in each area of life. If you are interested in exploring your values, I suggest starting with one area of your life. To ease into this, you could start with the area that is working well.

If you are the happiest and most fulfilled in your home life, think about what is important to you about your home life. What do you value the most in that setting or those relationships? Ask the “why” questions a couple of times until you get down to something that feels like a core value, which usually lies deep below the surface of your first stated value.

You could also do this same process for an area that is not working well. For instance, maybe your personal growth has stalled or your health is suffering. Thinking about what is important to you in these areas could reveal that you are not living in alignment with your core values. It could also provide you with small changes you could make to improve these areas of your life.

Categories
Thoughts on Change

Do your routines have you stuck in a rut?

What is the difference between a routine and a rut? From my perspective, a routine is a productive way to accomplish a common task. The word rut brings up feelings of being stuck in an unproductive habit. The good news is that we can use our knowledge of routines to figure out how to get out of a rut.

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Productive Routines

A routine can be thought of as a standard procedure or practice that is done on a regular basis. Think of your morning routine. What sounds or sights do you wake up to in the morning? What is the first thing you do after you open your eyes? You could go through the entire sequence of your morning step-by-step because it is most likely an unconscious set of programmed, sequenced actions.

There can be great value in having productive routines. For many of us, the morning routine has been refined to the point that it serves as a seamless way to get the family out the door without much hassle. Without our morning routine, my family might not make it to school on time. Even if we did make it on time, we would most likely not be in the most resourceful mental state.

Sometimes the routine doesn’t work. Maybe there was an extra early morning meeting that shifted our schedule back a few minutes. Or maybe one of the children forgot to do their homework the night before. In any case, when the routine is off, the day can start off a little rough. Recognizing this disruption in our routine and working together to get back on track can stop the cycle before things get worse.

If you can, take a minute to think through your morning routine. Are there things that might need to be shifted to make your morning a little more pleasant? Would getting up a few minutes earlier help you get your day started off on the right track? With a little attention and awareness, you can figure out how your routines may need to be shifted.

You can apply this same idea to any other routines you engage in throughout the day. Maybe you have a routine around entering your workplace, eating or not eating lunch, accomplishing your work tasks, going grocery shopping, or going to bed at night. Anything that you do on a fairly regular basis is accomplished by unconsciously activating the routine you have taught yourself for that task.

Unproductive Ruts

Habits can also be thought of as routines, but typically they feel more like ruts. What’s the difference between a routine and a rut? According to dictionary.com, a rut is a habit or pattern of behavior that has become dull and unproductive but is hard to change. That sounds about right to me.

When you repeatedly respond to situations in the same way, then you have taught yourself a routine. You can break this routine down in the same way that you broke down the steps in your morning routine. Just start with the habit and work backward. Ask yourself, what happened before I did that? Keep going until you can figure out your routine or unconscious procedure for getting to engaging in the habit.

For example, if you have a habit of getting angry when someone cuts you off in traffic, you can work backward to figure out how you actually manage to get angry. Something happens before you yell or blow the horn. What is that process for you? Visualize that person cutting you off. What do you see, hear, and feel? What comes first, the thought that you are going to yell at this person or the act of yelling? Do you feel anything in your body? Do you feel any tension in your shoulders, chest, or stomach? Can you notice a place in the routine where you could make a different choice? Knowing your own routine for getting upset in traffic gives you the choice of whether or not you want to continue that routine or change it.

Getting Out of the Rut

This process works with road rage, but it also works with other habits too. Think about a simple habit that you want to change. Imagine yourself engaging in that habit. See, hear, and feel what is happening when you engage in that habit that you think you want to change. Also, notice the consequences of that habit.

Mentally take yourself back in time a few minutes and play the scene leading up to engaging in that habit. See, hear, and feel what is happening around you and in your mind and body in the minutes before. Notice if there are any places in your routine where you can make a slight shift or insert a pause.

Mentally rehearse the modified routine a couple of times to see if maybe you can come up with a different outcome to your unproductive routine. The next time you are in that situation, see if you come up with a different response. Just noticing the unproductive routine and taking a brief pause is a good start.

Changing a long-standing pattern of behavior takes time. Be patient with yourself. Accept that some days will be better than others. It’s important to know that what you do does not define who you are. Recognizing what you need and accepting yourself where you are might be all you need to do right now.

 

Categories
Mindfulness & Peacefulness Thoughts on Change

We all Miss the Mark

Do you know anyone who constantly criticizes themselves for not being perfect? You know, that person who always has to do everything right. If they make one mistake, they spend the next few days beating themselves up. I used to be one of those people. I began to realize that perfect was unattainable when I started teaching yoga. In fact, I still can’t do a headstand. But, practicing the headstand taught me that it was ok to fall and get back up again.

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I’ve been reading some research articles by Dr. Kristin Neff. She has spent her career studying self-compassion. You can find a free self-compassion test on her website. This post is my attempt to summarize her ideas and provide some practical tips.

Self-compassion is understood to have three components: an awareness of personal suffering, the recognition that we are all human, and the ability to offer comfort to ourselves. If you are self-critical, tend to get stuck in fear of failure, relive bad decisions that you made, or have thoughts about never being enough, the practice of self-compassion might be just what you need.

We all Experience Suffering

In my opinion, the first step is the hardest. For some reason, we tend to think that beating ourselves up will motivate us to do better next time. This is simply not true. In fact, it actually creates an extra barrier to our progress.

In order to experience self-compassion, we have to recognize that we are suffering and in need of compassion. Many times we fall short of our ideals, fail to reach our goals, or somehow miss the mark. Instead of recognizing that we are suffering, we begin to criticize ourselves.

You may not even recognize this self-criticism because it seems like such a natural thing to do. It might include things like, “I can’t believe I…,” “I shouldn’t have…, “I can’t ever…,” or “I always….” You might even find yourself repeatedly reliving the event or situation in your mind.

If you’ve been meditating and developed a basic level of mindfulness, you might catch this negative self-talk before it gets any worse. If not, you might end up saying things to yourself that you would never say to your worst enemy.

We are all Human

Once you can identify that you are suffering, then you have a choice of how to respond. You can choose to focus on your own suffering, believing that you are the only person in the world who has experienced this problem or you can choose a different perspective.

You can remind yourself that other people have experienced this before. In fact, other people are probably going through a similar problem right now. We are all flawed humans. No one is perfect. No matter what the outside image portrays, everyone faces challenges.

We all Deserve Compassion

Being compassionate toward others seems so easy. We see a person suffering, we recognize their pain, and we have some desire to relieve it. The sad truth is that many people who offer compassion to others fail to offer that same compassion to themselves.

Being compassionate towards ourselves is a very different story. For some reason, we seem to hold ourselves to a higher standard than we hold other people. If a friend makes a mistake, we offer understanding, comfort, and encouragement. Wouldn’t it be great if we could offer those same things to ourselves?

It’s really very simple. Just think of yourself as you would think of someone you love. Shift your self-talk from criticizing to comforting. Admit that you are suffering. Acknowledge the hurt, stress, discomfort, fear, pain, anger, etc. Whatever the emotion is, acknowledge it. Name it and feel it. Sit with the emotion instead of running from it or blaming someone else.

Once you can acknowledge and accept the emotion, then you are ready to offer yourself some love. Tell yourself that you are human. Remind yourself that we all make mistakes. Check in with yourself and ask what you need right now. Encourage yourself to try again. You could even put your hands over your heart or give yourself a hug.

The emotional freedom technique (EFT), created by Gary Craig, also helps to encourage self-compassion. It always begins with some version of this statement: “Even though I have this (pain, emotion, memory), I deeply and completely accept myself.”

Benefits of Self-Compassion

Having compassion for yourself will not erase the past or remove the natural consequences of your actions. What it will do is relieve you of the extra burden of continuing to punish yourself.

Self-compassion is related to increased life satisfaction, motivation, and happiness. It is also related to decreased stress, depression, and perfectionism. Those sound like worthy outcomes to me. It seems like it would make sense to practice self-compassion the next time we miss the mark.

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Awareness & Perception

It’s All About Perspective

Have you ever had one of those days where everything that could go “wrong,” does go wrong? Well, I have. In fact, I’ve had many of those days. But, I’ve also had days where everything seems to go “right.”

The other day I was having a conversation with a couple of people. We were trying to figure out the best way to get something done. From my perspective, all I really needed was a definition of what they wanted. A couple of examples and non-examples would have been icing on the cake.

As the conversation continued, I started to realize that we were going in circles. At that point, I knew I was not going to get the clear guidance that I was looking for. Then I thought about all of the other things I needed to be doing. I felt myself slipping into a well-known pattern of cynical disconnection. I don’t really like to operate that way, so I made a choice.

I chose to take a few deep breaths. Once I was a little more centered, I remembered the technique that you will read in a few minutes. I tried this little thought experiment and immediately felt much better. I was able to rejoin the conversation from a different perspective. Although my question did not get answered, I was still able to see the value of spending my time in this particular conversation.

I’m starting to see that maybe it’s not always the things around me that are going wrong or right. Maybe it’s my view of those things that makes the difference. Maybe wrong and right are really based on where you stand when you look at the situation.

Three Steps to Shifting Your Perspective

Be Aware

In order to shift your perspective, first you have to pay attention to the fact that you have a unique perspective. We all see the world through our own filters of past experiences and internalized beliefs.

If you believe you are secure and the world is a safe place, then you may see things through a lens of order and predictability. You might have a sense that everything will work out in the end or that everything happens for a reason.

If you have a history of unresolved trauma, you may see many events as dangerous or negative. You might sense that everyone is out to get you or that bad things always happen to you.

Your current physical and mental condition also impact the filter through which you view the world. If you are stressed or tired, things will look more negative. If you are happy and nourished, things will look more positive. Knowing how you see the world will help you begin to determine if what you are seeing is truly reality or some skewed version based on your filters.

Knowing how you see the world will help you begin to determine if what you are seeing is truly reality or some skewed version based on your filters.

Another thing to be aware of is your triggers. Most people have things that trigger defensive, unproductive responses. These triggers could be situations, people, smells, visuals, etc. In the example above, my trigger was the feeling that I was wasting my time, which I believe is a valuable resource.

You want to learn your triggers because knowing what they are and how they effect you gives you more options. With awareness, you can more easily choose how to respond.

Be Curious

Once you are aware of your perspective, then you can start exploring it. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • How did I come to see the world this way?
  • Does this remind me of something in my past?
  • Is this a pattern for me?
  • Is there another way to see this situation?

If you are having a moment, you know, the kind where everything is horrible, just think of something unique. You could imagine what the world would look like if you saw everything upside down. You could also visualize the most curiously creative animal you can imagine. For me, in the conversation I talked about earlier, a purple elephant with green wings was the visual that came to mind.

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The goal here is to shift the energy in your brain away from the limbic system and back to the prefrontal cortex. Without going into the neuropsychology behind it, this simple thought experiment will allow your brain to calm down for a minute. Of course, you could also try some deep breathing or meditation.

Be Open

The last step is very simple. Just try to be open to seeing things from a different perspective. Think about how someone else, with a different past, or different resources, might view the situation.

As you practice recognizing your perspective, you will learn how to easily shift into a more desired state of mind. Being open to exploring your own thoughts and reactions will naturally lead to more awareness and more choice.

Please Share and Comment

Have you noticed how easy it is to get stuck seeing the world through your own filters? Imagine what your life would be like if you could recognize the past experiences and internal beliefs that inform your view of the world? What if you could identify and neutralize some of your triggers? Well, you can. It just takes some practice.

If you found this practice helpful, share it with your friends.