Tag: supporting others

Categories
Sports Psychology

Setback or Step Up: Does Your Team Have What it Takes to Overcome Challenges?

The pressure is on and your team is down by seven. It’s time to make a choice. Do you fight to win or give up hope? Is your team resilient? Before you think this doesn’t apply to you, let’s explore what I mean by “team.”

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What is a Team?

Team: A Group of People Organized to Accomplish a Specific Goal

Chances are that you are part of many different teams right now. Most of us belong to a family. We work with other people on almost all jobs in today’s society. Some of us even play on sports teams or have athletic children.

If you think about all of the connections in your life, you will likely find that your days are filled with teams of people. Your successes and failures are supported or hindered by the performance of the various teams that make up your life.

Resilience: Bouncing Back

The ability to bounce back from a challenging situation is a necessary life skill. In psychology, we have been studying individual resilience for decades. People who are more resilient tend to be more satisfied with life and have fewer health concerns.

When we apply individual resilience to teams we get a whole new concept. You can’t simply take the ability of each person and think you have your answer. Team resilience is not like addition; it’s more like multiplication on good days and division on bad days.

There are social interactions at play within teams. Whether we know it or not, our thoughts, emotions, and actions are often influenced by those around us.

Team Mentality

As we become more involved with our team, it gets harder to separate our own emotions from the emotions of the team. When one person is having a bad day, it seems to spread to others. On the ball field, we say that errors are contagious.

The good thing is that positivity is contagious too. Have you ever watched a team and noticed the momentum shift? It’s that moment where you start to feel chill bumps on your skin. The players are in the zone. They are confident and ready to respond to whatever comes next. If you’re close enough, you can even see it in their eyes. They are completely absorbed in the moment.

Sometimes the momentum shifts back the other direction. That’s when you can see how strong your team really is. At that point, it’s not about athletic ability or technical skill. When your team is down it’s about finding the emotional resilience and mental strength to fight back.

Setback or Step Up

I’m not an athlete, but I am the wife and mother of athletes. I don’t have direct experience playing sports (besides one softball season which didn’t go well), but I do have the ability to read research studies and translate them into real-life applications.

So, to help me understand what is happening with teams, I turned to the research. Based on what I could find, resilient teams, those that can bounce back from a setback, have several things in common.

There is no “I” in “team”

Resilient teams are made up of individuals who feel connected to their teammates. They trust that they are all working toward a common goal. When one teammate is struggling, the others pick them up. They remind each other of the ultimate goal. No one person takes responsibility for the wins or losses.

There are group norms and processes. Everyone is expected to uphold the standards established by the group. If one person is expected to do it, then everyone is expected to do it. These shared norms and processes give team members a sense of purpose and belonging, even in difficult times.

Progress, not perfection

Teams that use challenges as an opportunity to improve are better able to bounce back in the future. On every team, there comes a time when what we have been doing isn’t working anymore. At that time, we have the opportunity to adapt and improve. Teams can take a step back and determine any needed changes to their attitudes or activities.

Some resilient teams are even able to structure their workflow to obtain consistent growth outcomes. These teams set goals to overcome previous limitations. Even if the ultimate big picture goal is not achieved, having a sense of progress keeps the team motivated to move forward together.

Shared stories and beliefs

Resilient teams share stories of past victories and defeats. They remind each other of where they have come from and where they are going.

There is a collective vision of the future, which includes more than external trophies. While it’s nice to receive a reward for hard work, resilient teams work for more than that. Their shared vision includes emotional connections that keep the team pulling together rather than growing apart.

For resilient teams, it’s more about the heart than the how. Their primary focus is on their intentions. They intend to finish strong together. They believe that they have what it takes to be successful. Even though they may not see how they still believe that they have what it takes.

What About The Fans?

So, what can you do from outside the fence? That’s where I find myself on many occasions. Whether I’m coaching teachers before a difficult meeting or supporting my favorite sports teams, I’m frequently outside the fence.

Here are a couple of strategies that I’ve found to encourage team resilience from the outside:

  • Encourage a positive outlook
    • Help them build a positive vision of the future.
    • Remind them of times they were successful.
    • Sandwich constructive criticism between positive comments.
    • If you must assume something (someone’s motives, possible outcomes, etc.) try to assume the most compassionate version of the story. Maybe it really wasn’t about you. Maybe that person was just having a bad day.
  • Encourage self-awareness
    • Ask for stories about a time when the team was successful.
    • Discuss what they were thinking about when specific things happened.
    • Help them understand the real reasons behind why they thought, felt, or acted a certain way in a specific situation.
    • Ask about how they recently encouraged a teammate or were encouraged by a teammate.
  • See the best in everyone
    • Cheer for all team members.
    • Don’t talk negatively about any member of the team.
    • If you have a concern, talk to the person rather than about them.
    • Remember that when one person is down, it usually brings down the whole team.
Categories
Awareness & Perception

“13 Reasons Why” Should Be Required

Do you remember middle school and high school? For most people, these were not the best years of their lives. Maybe you are one of the few who would say that your teenage years were amazing. Or, maybe you were more like the rest of the people I know who wouldn’t go back to that time if you paid them.

Over the weekend, I watched all 13 episodes of 13 Reasons Why. For those of you who haven’t seen it, this is a Netflix series based on a book by Jay Asher. It is sad and life-changing. 13 Reasons Why should be required viewing for anyone who works with youth from middle school through college.

After watching this series, I will never dismiss any child’s warning signs again, no matter how trivial they might seem to my adult mind.

If you know me, you’ve probably heard me say that I live in my happy bubble. I don’t watch the news very much or get caught up in politics. I would much prefer to fill my mind with positive, uplifting information.

In my happy bubble, I like to think that small, close-knit communities are immune to these issues, but we’re not. This is a huge problem in Georgia, especially rural Georgia.

Did you know that death by suicide is on the rise in Georgia? In 2015, approximately 13% of the deaths of young people from ages 5-19 were attributed to suicide. That is up drastically from 5% in 2007.

In all honesty, that percentage is most likely an underestimate. Death by suicide is commonly covered up or blamed on something else in order to avoid the guilt and shame that typically accompanies this type of death.

To make it worse, on the most recent Youth Risk Behavior Survey, 18% of GA middle school students reported that they had seriously considered suicide. Whether we want to admit it or not, our young people are hurting.

It is up to all of us to watch out for signs of distress. If you know a young person who is exhibiting symptoms of depression, decreases in grades, increases in discipline problems, or simply withdrawing from the world, please get them some help.

We have to make ourselves available to our young people and be open to hearing what they have to say. We can listen to their experiences, help them think through their options, and show them that they are not alone. Even if they can’t explain what they are “feeling,” we can still walk along side them when life gets hard.

Knowledge is power, especially when we can use it to improve the lives of our young people. For more data, check out the GA Department of Public Health. It takes a little digging, but there is a wealth of data that has been collected over the past 20+ years.

 

 

Categories
Awareness & Perception Mindfulness & Peacefulness

Being Gentle with Emotions

Is “sangry” a word? It depends on who you ask. My Gordon students and I decided that if “hangry” could be an adjective and “Google” could be a verb, then “sangry” should have a place at the table too. 

I needed this word a few days ago. I just could not figure out how I felt about a situation. Sometimes I witness situations that leave me feeling confused. This was one of those situations. Eventually, I decided that I was both sad and angry. 

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CDC and ACEs

A few years ago, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) studied the impact of adverse childhood events (ACEs) on health. So, what are these ACEs? In short, ACEs are traumatic events. The CDC looked at instances of physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, parental divorce, parental mental health, parental substance abuse, and parental incarceration. I think we could all agree that those would be considered traumatic events. Unfortunately, they are all too common.

Think about your own past. How many ACEs do you think you experienced growing up? If you are a teacher, think about the things that some of your more challenging students have experienced. Chances are, the ones who are the most difficult have experienced the most trauma through exposure to ACEs.

The CDC found that more than half of their sample experienced at least one ACE. Almost 25% had experienced three or more ACEs. They also found that people who experienced more ACEs also had more obesity, mental health issues, smoking, heart disease, liver disease, suicide attempts, and more.

ACEs and Thinking

When we are constantly exposed to traumatic experiences, our brains learn to operate in survival mode. Our amygdala is the part of the brain that is naturally alert to any sign of danger, but trauma exaggerates this natural protection response.

Think about the last time you were watching a scary movie. If someone touched you on your shoulder or knocked on the door, you probably jumped, or maybe you even screamed. Now, imagine if you walked around in that hyper-alert state all the time. That would make life a little more challenging, wouldn’t it?

Another challenge with operating in survival mode is that it diverts brain energy away from the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain that we use to think through things, plan our responses, monitor our behaviors, and delay gratification.

All of these functions are necessary to be successful in our daily lives. Unfortunately, when we are hijacked by the amygdala, our brains have a hard time doing anything besides focusing on keeping us safe and alive.

A Gentle Response

Knowing all this, how do we respond to people who are suffering from the effects of trauma or ACEs? Approaching the situation with gentleness seems like a good start.

Think about the last time you were upset, I mean really upset. Maybe you were very angry or frustrated or just extremely overwhelmed. Were you able to think rationally? Were you able to process the “if, then” statements or rational justifications from the people around you? Probably not. Most likely, you needed compassion first.

Being gentle with someone who is upset takes patience and compassion. In order to do this, we have to be able to take a step back and see the situation from their perspective. That’s not always easy to do, especially in the busyness of daily life. It can help to remember that they are probably confused, afraid, and extremely stressed.

Once the person is calm, then they can understand more rational logic. That’s when they can think about their actions and the consequences. While they are still upset, the only thing they can do is attempt to protect themselves, in whatever way they have learned. By balancing compassion and consequences, we can begin to help people move forward in a more resourceful manner.

So, from my perspective, my first goal when working with someone who is upset is to help them calm down. I will get on their level and ask them to breathe with me. I might even gently touch their hand or shoulder. I will definitely make sure my facial expression and tone of voice demonstrate compassion. Once they can think and speak clearly, I will use those fabulous active listening strategies. It takes a little extra effort to engage this way, but it’s worth it in the end.

 

 

Categories
Mindfulness & Peacefulness

Balancing Self-Care and Serving Others

Anytime you fly on an airplane, you hear the same safety speech from the flight attendants. During one part of the message, the flight attendant tells you that in the event of an emergency you are to put your own oxygen mask on first. If you think about it in the context of daily life, that’s a pretty profound lesson.

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Sometimes we get so busy giving to others, or just getting through the to-do list, that we forget to take care of ourselves. You know you’re not practicing good self-care when you are starting to feel symptoms of burnout.

You might have a sense that the things that were good in the past just aren’t right anymore. You might also have the feeling that you are being used or that people just take from you all the time. Those things may be true, but they could also be signs that you are not taking good care of yourself.

Another thing that happens to some people is that they start to overreact to small inconveniences. Many people actually develop physical illnesses when they are not practicing good self-care. The great news is that you have the ability to recognize and change this pattern of behavior.

Beliefs About Self-Care

Your beliefs about self-care matter much more than you might think. If we can understand the beliefs and values behind our actions, then it becomes much easier to make the changes that we need to make.

The scary part is that most of us don’t actually know what we believe about self-care because we have never taken the time to think about it. For just a moment, imagine yourself doing something that nourishes your body, mind, and spirit. Really see yourself doing it. Imagine how you will feel.

Now, think about the following questions:

  • How do you define self-care?
  • What are some of the benefits of taking care of yourself?
  • What are some of the cultural messages you have received about people who spend time taking care of themselves?
  • What are some of the disadvantages of taking care of yourself?
  • What do you think you would have to give up in order to take better care of yourself?

If you came up with some negative cultural messages about being selfish or having better, more important things to do, then you are in good company. Most people I talk to have one or more of these types of beliefs about self-care. Ask yourself if these beliefs are really true, for you, right now. Maybe they are or maybe you need to run a little experiment to test their truth.

Once you have identified your own beliefs about self-care, you are in a good position to decide if this is something you want to work on. If you know you need to take better care of yourself, don’t let negative beliefs or cultural messages stop you.

Three Steps

  1. Define self-care in your own words. What would self-care look like for you? Be specific. What would you do? When would you do it? How often would you do it?
  2. Test the limits of your beliefs. What’s the worst thing that could happen if you take 10 minutes for yourself? How about taking a whole day?
  3. Try an experiment. Pick one thing that would nourish you, and do it. See what happens. Chances are you will feel much better, and the world will keep spinning.

Remember that you cannot give something that you do not have. If you want to give compassion and love to others, you must first give these things to yourself.

Categories
Awareness & Perception

Balancing Challenge and Support

Do you ever wonder why people do the things they do? In observing leaders, I have seen that the people who understand these ideas are able to effectively influence and lead a wide variety of people.

I’m sure you have questions of your own, but here are a few of the things that I wonder about. Why don’t people think for themselves instead of following the crowd or the media messages? Why don’t some parents show up for parent-teacher conferences? Why don’t many college students embrace self-directed learning? Why don’t all professionals engage in self-reflective practice? Why don’t professional development efforts focus on transformational learning rather than informational learning? You can find research saying that people should be doing these things, but research doesn’t always translate into practice.

Maybe we can learn to challenge and support the people around us in a more balanced way. Maybe we are all doing the best we can, based on our own understanding of the world. Is it possible that, just like children, adults are still learning how to navigate the world?

Children are fascinating. Their brains take in a large amount of information that they really have no pre-determined concepts for. Have you ever watched a little child who is just learning about animals? At first, they learn that a common four-legged animal is a dog. Then, they come across other four-legged animals and assume (rightfully so, based on their experiences) that these are also dogs.

As responsible adults, we correct them and tell them the correct name of each animal. Eventually, they learn what belongs in the category of “dog” and what does not. This is the process of assimilation and accommodation.

When children call a horse a dog, we think it’s cute, sweet, and innocent. When adults make similar judgments, also based on their current understanding of the world, we don’t think it’s very cute.

We tend to think adults should know things. Right? Some things are just common sense. Well, that’s not necessarily true. People see the world through their own unique blend of past experiences, relationships, and internalized categories.

We all do and say things based on how we understand the world. If we become curious about how other people see the world, maybe we can find more meaningful ways to connect and support.

A few years ago, I found the work of Robert Kegan. His research on adult development showed me a whole new way to view the reasons that people do the things they do.

Orders of Consciousness

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It’s All About Me – 2nd Order Consciousness

People who operate from this perspective are defined by their point of view, needs, and wants. They are able to recognize that others have needs and wants, but they cannot necessarily make decisions based on processing that one set of needs comes before the other. They do not recognize that they control their perspective. They tend to make decisions based on social perceptions, their own perceptions of situations, and impulses. Long-term planning and consequences are not heavily weighed.

How do you support people who are operating from this perspective?

  • provide non-judgmental assistance
  • ensure that the rules are fair
  • advocate for their needs
  • help them navigate complex systems
  • provide concrete information with real-life examples

We’ve Always Done It This Way – 3rd Order Consciousness

People who operate from this perspective are defined by their interpersonal relationships. They make decisions based on how it will impact their relationships with others. They are able to understand abstract concepts. These people can recognize and are impacted by their inner states; however, they are not yet able to modify their inner states or analyze their preferences. They tend to understand things from different points of view; however, there is still an emphasis on their perception being the right way of doing something. There is a focus on following rules, traditions, and norms.

How do you support people who are operating from this perspective?

  • encourage them to think about the reasons for their thoughts and feelings
  • show them that what needs to be done will benefit the people they care about
  • challenge them to see things from a different perspective
  • encourage journal-writing and self-reflection
  • help them see how new policies or procedures fit into the existing system

I Wonder What Would Happen If… – 4th Order Consciousness

People who operate from this perspective are defined by abstract systems, theories, or ideologies. They are able to recognize multiple relationships and roles within the social structure. They can reflect on their own actions and modify future behavior to achieve desired results. They tend to make decisions based on their consistency with an over-arching theory or ideology. They tend to think more along the lines of systems of interactions.

How do you support people who are operating from this perspective?

  • provide them with opportunities to explore how systems interact
  • encourage them to engage in ongoing self-reflection
  • help them figure out how to explain their thoughts to people who do not see the world through interrelated systems
  • convince them that what needs to be done fits within their existing beliefs
  • remind them that one order of consciousness is not better than another

Personal Application

There are many benefits to recognizing that people operate from different orders of consciousness.

  • We recognize that some things we expect people to do are not within their current ability.
  • We figure out what support people need in order to meet the challenges of daily life.
  • We develop more empathy and compassion for others.
  • We can create a wider variety of approaches for supporting others.
  • We learn that our way is only one way to see the world.
  • We find ways to continue our own personal development.

Please Share and Comment

Which order of consciousness best describes the way you interact with the world? Did you think of certain people who fit into the other two categories? Can you see how this information might be helpful in your life?