Tag: self-reflection

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Awareness & Perception

What’s in Your Box?

“The level of healing and depth that you can provide for another is completely dependent on the level and depth of healing that you have gone into yourself.”

Sajah Popham
December 2017

Teaching about dissociation and depersonalization is not easy. The media has sensationalized these serious mental health concerns. Our trauma-obsessed society has turned a defense mechanism into a source of shame. But still, people suffer, and my students need to understand the process.

A simple question about why our brains compartmentalize experiences led to a great conversation. Like most mental health conditions, dissociative disorders exist on a continuum. We all put things in boxes. We put people and experiences in boxes for different reasons, sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously.

If we are preparing to work with others, we need to know what’s in those boxes. If we don’t, we’re going to get triggered. When that happens, we cannot help anyone.

So, yes, sometimes class feels more like group counseling. But I’m okay with that.

Categories
Awareness & Perception

Change Your Beliefs, Change Your Destiny

Did you know that your beliefs determine your reality? Your brain takes information from your senses, combines those sensations with your memories, and double-checks all of that against your beliefs about yourself, others, and the world.

Your beliefs act like filters that let certain things in and keep other things out. Anything that aligns with your beliefs will be easily noticed and even appear to be more prevalent than it really is.

If something does not align with your existing beliefs you probably won’t even recognize it. It’s possible that you could feel a little cognitive dissonance, but most people dismiss this and move on.

What do you believe?

The first step in changing your beliefs is to figure out what you really believe. For many people, there is a big difference between what they say or think they believe and what they actually believe. The most obvious way to figure this out is to critically observe all forms of communication.

What do you hear yourself saying to others?

What do you often say to yourself?

What do you say about yourself?

What do you say about other individuals, groups, or organizations?

There isn’t an easy answer here. You have to take every thought and word captive. Analyzing these will reveal longstanding patterns that have been determining your thoughts and actions.

By noticing what you say, you will gain access to an aspect of your unconscious. You will expose the tape that continues to play on repeat.

This is powerful because most of our thoughts and reactions are determined before the prefrontal cortex has a chance to weigh the pros and cons.

Are these beliefs true and adaptive?

Byron Katie writes about four questions, which she calls The Work. These questions are so simple that they can be used with children. I have used these questions for several years and can attest to their validity. Here they are:

  1. Is it true?
  2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
  3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
  4. Who would you be without that thought?

Whenever a thought arises that seems to be troublesome, it should be subjected to these four questions. After the questions is the turnaround. If you haven’t seen her work before, I highly recommend looking up Byron Katie.

What beliefs would be more adaptive?

If you don’t like the way your life is going, change your beliefs.

This comes down to being aware of common thought patterns, noticing when they appear, and replacing them with thoughts that move you in the direction you want to go. Determine what you need to believe to achieve your goals and remind yourself of these things as often as possible.

Cautions

Learn to recognize and embrace cognitive dissonance. It’s that uncomfortable tension we feel when our beliefs and actions don’t align. It also shows up when we hold two competing beliefs or commitments.

Your replacement thoughts need to be things you can believe. Positive affirmations that are too far from your current reality will not ring true. Instead, they will cause your brain to defend against them, which will ultimately backfire.

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Mindfulness & Peacefulness Thoughts on Change

Intentions for 2018

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What are your intentions for this year? New year, new you? Good luck with that.

My intentions are a little closer to where I am right now. New year, same me, different focus. I’ve learned that it is much easier to make incremental changes than it is to attempt an entire re-creation of myself.

Maybe you’re different. Maybe you can set a goal, do what you need to do, and mark it off the list.

For whatever reason, my past goals have been so far from my current position that sometimes I couldn’t really see how to get there from here. This year I’m trying something new. Instead of resolutions or goals, I have set intentions.

So, here we go…

I intend to be truly helpful

According to ACIM, there is a basic prayer that goes like this:

“I am here only to be truly helpful. I do not have to worry about what I say or do because He who sent me will direct me.”

I love this. All I have to do is align with my intention to be helpful. I can do that, most days.

I have used the extended version of this prayer in the past. It’s awesome. This prayer always puts me in the right mindset to provide the most loving support I can in any situation.

Surprisingly, sometimes that means keeping my mouth shut. Other times it means smiling and meeting people where they are at that moment.

I intend to remain in alignment with myself and with God

This one is a little more difficult, not because it’s truly harder, but because it requires a different type of dedication.

In order to remain in alignment, I have to be aware of how I am feeling at any given moment. I have to check in and see how something resonates deep inside of me.

If you’ve never been aware of experiencing this kind of resonance, it’s like looking out at the world and noticing that everything feels right. You didn’t do anything to make it feel right, it just does.

This year I want to notice that feeling more often. I also want to notice when things don’t feel right. I want to pay attention to my instincts or what we call our gut feelings.

When things don’t feel right, my plan is to find a thought or feeling that will bring me closer to alignment. I might not get there immediately, but any movement closer to alignment is better than a movement away from alignment.

The basic question here is this: Does this thought make me feel better or worse? If the thought is true and it makes me feel better, then we have a winner!

Self-reflection

So, what are your intentions for 2018? How do you intend to show up this year?

Categories
Awareness & Perception

Powerful Questions

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Can you remember the last time someone asked you a question that changed the way you see everything? Maybe this is the question that changes things. If not, maybe this post will encourage you to start looking for those questions.

There are some questions that can be answered rather quickly, usually with a yes or no response. For example, did you have a good day? Yes.

There are other questions that require more than yes or no but still lend themselves to fairly rote responses. What did you do today? I wrote a report, answered some emails, and talked to a few teachers.

These are the more common questions we encounter in our daily lives. But then there are other questions that can’t be answered so quickly or easily. These questions, if we sit with them, can change the way we see ourselves, others, and the world.

Right or Happy?

More than a decade ago my intern supervisor asked me one of these life-changing questions.

I suppose I was a little argumentative. My parents told me I was persistent. Regardless of how I label the behavior, I’m sure it looked the same from the outside.

I always thought that given enough time and evidence, I could convince others to see my perspective and understand that I was right. I would explain, give examples, and try to convince them. Eventually, my supervisor asked me if I would rather be right or happy.

I couldn’t understand why I had to choose. I wanted both.

Now I can see the wisdom in her question. Some things are not worth compromising my peace of mind. As I’ve grown, the line I draw in the sand has shifted.

Over the years I have come to see that her question can be used to realign my perspective with reality. It has also served as a measuring tool for where I am on my personal journey of spiritual growth.

Who’s Stuff?

One of the topics in psychology that has always fascinated me is projection. Basically, the teaching is that we take whatever is in us and project it onto others and the world in general.

For example, when I am having a great day and feeling good on the inside, people seem considerate and caring. The opposite is also true. When I am already feeling stressed or impatient, others seem to be more inconsiderate or even rude.

Another way to think about this is that we see what we are looking for. Yet another way to understand it is that we attract what we offer.

So, who’s stuff is this anyway? That’s the question I try to remember to ask myself.

When I am experiencing anxiety or anger I ask myself where it is coming from. Is this my emotion that I have suppressed or otherwise ignored? Is this a part of me that I am currently choosing not to recognize? Is it coming from somewhere else? Who’s anxiety or anger am I really feeling right now?

I’ve found that, at this point in my life, there isn’t always a clear answer. We are deeply connected to others on many levels so if we aren’t careful we can feel ourselves taking on the emotions of the people we are interacting with.

For instance, think about a time when someone told you about being so angry at someone for whatever they did. Do you remember feeling angry right along with them? Knowing where to draw those emotional and energetic boundaries is an important life lesson.

Sometimes it’s clearly someone else’s emotion, like anger, that they are projecting onto me. Those times are obvious. When the cashier seems to be rude for no apparent reason, that’s not my stuff. Knowing that allows me to respond with kindness rather than anger, most of the time.

In any case, taking the time to ask the question gives me a moment to clarify what I really feel. Lately, this has become an inner conversation about the facts of the event and the story I’ve told myself about it.

New Questions

Recently, a friend of my daughter asked me an interesting question. It was a very simple question on the surface, but it caused me to think deeply about something I had never considered.

She wanted to know the scariest thing I had learned about the brain. That’s simple enough, right? I know what the words mean…scarry…brain. But, I had never thought of them in relation to one another.

I would love to say that I gave her a profound response. I didn’t even have a response. I’m not sure how long I thought about it before I came up with something that I thought was half-way acceptable.

At that moment, the only thing that came to mind was the process of memory creation. It is scary that memories can be implanted by others.

There is a classic study about implanting memories of being lost at the mall as a child. Many people in the study came to believe that they had been lost at the mall, especially if they were told this by a trusted relative. The interesting part is that, to their knowledge, none of the study participants had actually been lost at the mall.

After I thought about the question a little more I have come up with a few other answers.

It’s scary that our brain has the power to create disease. It’s wonderful that it has the power to create health and relieve disease.

It’s scary that I am ultimately responsible for how I perceive and respond to myself and anything that happens in my life. It’s wonderful that I have the opportunity to reassess how I experience and participate in anything that does not serve my highest good and the good of those around me.

Even now, it’s obvious to me that this is one of those questions that I will continue to revisit for decades. I am so grateful for her insightful question.

The power in these questions is that they have the ability to show me what is important to me at this moment. They are wonderful tools for self-reflection.

Hopefully, I will be aware enough to continue asking myself these questions while also being open to any new life-changing questions that come my way.

Categories
Awareness & Perception Stress Management What I'm Reading

Stress is a Process

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“People are disturbed not by a thing, but by their perception of a thing.” — Epictetus

Stress is a process. Unfortunately, many of us don’t know how that process works in our own lives, much less where and how to intervene in order to change the outcome of the process.

Did you know that about 95% of people have experienced significant stress during the past month? What’s worse is that only about 5% of people believe they have tools or practices to manage psychological distress.

The National Institutes of Health recently hosted a Facebook live event (I know, crazy, right?) to address the current state of stress in our nation. The whole video is about an hour long, but the good stuff starts around 15 minutes in.

A Nation Under Pressure: The Public Health Consequences of Stress in America

Former Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy talks about his concerns regarding the impact of stress on our nation. I agree. Stress is a major problem in our society for people in all age groups.

What is happening in our society?

Everything seems to be moving very fast.

There are demands on our time and pressures to do more. We try to multitask because our technology allows that. The problem is that multitasking adds to the stress and decreases our performance.

There are more pressures to be constantly available through technology.

When was the last time you stepped away from your cell phone…on purpose? I’m not talking about that time you accidentally forgot your phone when you were going outside to feed the dog or check the mail.

I’m talking about putting your phone on the counter, walking out the door, and doing something by yourself or with the real people who are with you.

There are multi-faceted issues with health that can impact our stress.

Health is a tricky one because stress is a factor in the development of many chronic diseases and health problems increase stress. So, we have a vicious cycle where stress is a cause and a consequence of health problems.

Knowing this, should stress management be part of the treatment for health conditions? Research says that it can and should. There have been reports of stress management techniques resulting in decreased inflammation, faster healing, decreased pain perception, and greater general well-being.

Why does it matter?

The biggest reason this is important to me is that I cannot give my family, friends, colleagues, or students anything that I do not have.

If I want my children to learn to manage their stress, then I need to learn to manage my stress. If I want my students to understand the importance of sleep and mindfulness, then I need to practice those things in my own life.

The other reason this is important to me is more of a selfish reason. I really love to interact with people who are calm, focused, and productive. It’s a lot of work to put up emotional shields to block out the stress and negativity that come from other people. Fortunately, I’ve learned how to do that, but I would rather not have to.

When we are able to manage our own stress, then we are able to see others more clearly. We are less likely to react and more likely to respond. The people around us can see and feel the difference.

What can we do?

  • Slow down: The world will keep spinning, even if you stand still.
  • Check in: What is happening in your body right now? Do you feel any areas of tension? What is going through your mind? Is this a repetitive thought that is related to a stressful or stress-inducing pattern?
  • Connect with real people: Deep social connection is one of the biggest factors in long-term stress management and psychological wellbeing.
  • Exercise: yoga, tai chi, qi gong, running, walking, etc.
  • Go outside: Spending time in nature can help us slow down and reset our natural rhythms.
  • Sleep: Getting enough good quality sleep can allow your body and mind to recover, which will allow you to better manage stress.
  • Journal: Writing down your concerns at the end of each day will help you sleep better. You can also use journaling to “counsel” yourself by asking self-reflective questions.
    • Where did this come from?
    • What else could this mean?
    • Is this part of a bigger pattern in my life?
    • What has worked in the past?
    • How is this serving me?
    • What other options do I have?
    • Who can help me with this?
  • Meditate or practice mindfulness: Meditation increases awareness, which increases choice. Being aware of more choices allows for more adaptive, effective actions.

Additional Resources

The Art of Stopping Time: This is a great book by Dr. Pedram Shojai. It includes simple practices that can be done very quickly. The idea is that by the end of the book you will find a few practices that allow you to become more efficient and reclaim some of your time.

The American Institute of Stress (AIS): According to AIS, the top five stressors are job pressure, money, health, relationships, and poor nutrition. In addition to research, the website offers a wealth of resources including several self-assessment stress quizzes.

The National Center for Complementary and Integrative Medicine (NCCIH): This website is a division of the National Institutes of Health. You will find information about the relationship between stress and health, natural strategies to relieve stress, and current research on the topic of stress management.

Categories
Awareness & Perception Mindfulness & Peacefulness

I’ll Be Happy When…

I’ll be happy when I’m 25. Then I will be out of college, married, and have a stable career. That seems crazy, right? Well, in my 17-year-old mind, it seemed like a logical conclusion. I thought that adults had it all figured out.

The age of 25 came and went. I achieved those goals, but I still had not found that elusive thing called happiness. Maybe I’m the only one who decided that I’ll be happy when I reach some goal or achievement, but I doubt it.

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Temporary Happiness

In one way or another, we are all looking for happiness. The word means different things to different people. Some people believe that joy comes from having a certain amount of money or things. Other people think they will be happy when they are at their ideal weight or fitness level. Or, my favorite, we wait all week for the weekend so we can relax and enjoy our time.

The list could go on and on. I’m sure you can think of many other criteria we place on happiness.

The sad part is that these things rarely, if ever, fulfill us. It’s nice to have enough money to pay your bills, but researchers have found that beyond providing a comfortable life, more money does not necessarily bring more happiness.

The same logic applies to weight loss or fitness goals. They might provide a temporary feeling of happiness, but we usually find ourselves back in our old habitual patterns, judging ourselves and never measuring up.

Inevitably, we find ourselves doing the same things and getting the same results.

We Deserve to Feel Happiness

When you’re a psychologist/professor/coach/yoga teacher, people expect you to have all the answers, but sometimes you’re so busy and stressed that you end up sitting on the bathroom floor crying because you can’t remember your son’s field day t-shirt. That’s when you know something’s got to change.

That’s what happened to me a few years ago. I used to be very perfectionistic. I would run around all the time making sure everything was done and done right. People would always say things like, “you’re a human being, not a human doing.” Somehow, I thought that if I kept myself busy doing everything that one day I would do enough to deserve to be happy.

I couldn’t sit down and be happy if there was laundry to fold or dishes in the sink. Wives and mothers are supposed to keep the house clean, right? Going outside for a leisurely walk to look at flowers and butterflies was completely out of the question. If I was going to put on tennis shoes, then I was going jogging. Otherwise, there were things that needed to be done in the house.

I couldn’t allow myself to do something that made me happy if there was anything left that needed to be done. Unfortunately, there never came a time when everything was done.

Being Productively Unproductive

After more than a decade of practicing yoga and meditation, if finally made sense. I had to slow down. Being still was productive. What did it produce? Well, for starters, true happiness.

When I found a consistent morning routine, my entire outlook on life changed. It started out small. At first, I was just sitting in silence for five minutes each morning. That’s not much time, but it’s enough to create a habit. Once I was able to watch my thoughts in meditation, I noticed that I was becoming more aware of my thoughts when I wasn’t meditating.

I started to notice how many things I was doing at the same time. I was very productive. If you look at my computer right now, you will see a couple of tabs open, but that’s nothing compared to what I used to do. At one point, I was writing reports, checking email, listening to a webinar, and preparing a presentation within the same timeframe. I would switch back and forth between tasks because I didn’t have time to wait for the computer to save my current draft or load a new website. Yes, I was very productive, but I was also very stressed.

After I had enough awareness to notice how this extreme level of productivity was increasing my stress, I realized that I needed to make another change.

Do What You’re Doing

The next small change I made was to practice monotasking. That’s a fancy word for doing one thing at a time. I still think it’s crazy that we live in a world where we need a word such as monotasking, much less that it’s something I found myself in need of practicing.

I’m still not great at monotasking, but I try. If I am working on an email and a teacher walks into my office, I will stop what I am doing and shift my focus to whatever they need to talk about. I do the same thing with my kids. When I talk to them, I stop and focus on them. I look in their eyes and try to feel what they are saying.

I realized that I needed to actually do what I was doing. If my mind was split between several different activities, none of them got my full attention.

Finding Your Happy Place

Now my morning routine involves meditation, yoga, and journaling. If I only have time for one of the three, I always choose meditation.

Why? Because on the days I don’t meditate, my life doesn’t quite work right. Something just feels off. I’m more easily annoyed. Little things feel like giant stressors. I am less connected to my family, friends, co-workers, and students. The quality of my work suffers.

I have finally found a routine that works. With meditation, I realized that I can find my happy place everywhere I go.

Meditation might not be what helps you find happiness. For most people, meditation is a tool to increase awareness. You can begin today by becoming aware of what people, experiences, and activities make you happy.

Bonus: Download your free happiness checklist now. Click here to get it

Categories
Awareness & Perception

Which Weeds Are You Watering?

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Which weeds are you watering? Notice the wording of the question. It doesn’t ask if you are watering weeds. The question assumes that you are watering weeds. It doesn’t imply that you should or shouldn’t be watering weeds. That is up to you to figure out. The question simply asks for awareness of, and self-reflection on, what you are watering.

We all water weeds, both in our gardens and in our lives.

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to have more time than you do? How can they work fulltime, attend their kids’ games, and still find time to take care of their physical and mental health? How do they run a company, help their kids with homework, teach Sunday school, and still make it to the gym?

Best of all, how do they do all of this without losing their peace of mind and even staying calm in the chaos of life? 

It’s easy to see that we all have 24 hours each day, but some people seem to be able to stretch those hours. That’s because these people have figured out how to stop watering the weeds. 

They spend their time and energy on the things that matter.

I recently watched The Art of Stopping Time by Pedram Shojai. It was a short video packed with a ton of wisdom. During the first 10-15 minutes of the video, Shojai relates our lives to a garden. In this analogy, he talks about the importance of identifying which five plants we really want in our garden and which weeds we keep watering.

This concept of the life garden (along with many, many other insightful concepts) is included on his website, podcast, and book: The Urban Monk.

One of the benefits of teaching Introduction to Psychology is that I get to touch on many interesting topics. There are many ways to address the ideas of consciousness and attention. Keeping in mind that one of my goals as an educator is to provide my students with things they can apply to daily life, I asked them to consciously consider how they spend their time and energy.

Many of my students are still trying to figure out how to balance the new freedom of college with the concept of deadlines. They struggle to understand why they can’t really multitask even though they think they should be able to. Some of them don’t know where their time goes each day. Now that I write it out, that sounds a lot like many adults I know, except for the “new freedom” part.

Anyway, as usual, I was impressed with their responses. They could clearly articulate what was important in their lives. They talked openly about the unnecessary things they continued to spend time and energy on. Honestly, my students gave most of the same answers that I would have given.

The most insightful part was our discussion about what to do about this new self-discovery. It’s one thing to acknowledge what is important and admit that you are not as focused on those things as you would like to be. It is an entirely different thing to be able to articulate and execute a plan to close the gap.

As you look over their list, think about your own life garden.

Top 10 Plants – Important to Us

  1. Family
  2. School
  3. Friends
  4. Work
  5. Spiritual
  6. Sports/Exercise
  7. Self-care
  8. Happiness
  9. Health
  10. Responsibilities

Top 10 Weeds – Waste of Time/Energy

  1. Social Media
  2. Phone
  3. Stress/Anxiety/Overthinking
  4. TV/Movies
  5. Procrastination
  6. Shopping
  7. Sugar
  8. Social Activities
  9. Multitasking
  10. Saying “yes” to Everything

So, what’s the solution?

The first step is self-reflection. We need to reflect on what is truly important. Whatever they are, it’s your life, they’re your priorities. Maybe they aren’t the same as someone else’s. That’s fine. After all, you are the one who will answer for your life choices.

Next, we have to take an honest look at our lives and see where our time and energy are going. This doesn’t have to be a minute-by-minute accounting ledger. It can be as easy as looking back over the day to see what you actually spent time doing or thinking about.

Then, we need to assess whether or not our time and energy are going toward the things that we identified as priorities. This is probably the easiest part of the entire process. I said it was important, and either I did it or I didn’t.

Now, here comes the hard part. This is where we figure out how to stop watering the weeds and start focusing on what’s important. For some people, it will be as easy as deleting some apps on their phones. For others, it might mean scheduling time for the things that are important…and actually sticking to it.

Here are a couple of self-reflection questions that have helped me.

  • Based on Shojai’s analogy, which five plants do you want in your garden? How much time and energy do those five plants need?
  • What weeds do you continue to water?
  • Why do you continue to water each of these weeds? What needs do they fulfill? Do they provide you with companionship, belonging, safety, or love? Or do they simply serve as a distraction from the hard work of life?
  • Can you think of an easy way to hold yourself accountable?
  • Do you journal? Maybe a daily journal practice will help keep account of your time and energy.
  • Could these priorities be written as goals?
  • Do you keep track of progress toward your goals?
  • How can saying yes to one thing mean saying no to other things?
  • How does all of this relate to procrastination and prioritization?

If you are concerned about the time you spend on social media or your phone, try downloading an app to help monitor your usage. Two apps that I know of are Moment and BreakFree. Who knows, getting a handle on this one area may help control the growth of the other weeds like stress, procrastination, and multitasking.

If you are interested in learning more about how to stop time, click on the link to register for access to the free video by Pedram Shojai: http://urltag.net/BqnhV

Categories
Passion & Purpose

Looking For The Positive

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Life is full of experiences. The way we interpret the meaning of those experiences is up to each of us. Just like we all have different preferences in music and food, we also have different ways of understanding the people and events that happen around us.

A few weeks ago, I started to feel frustrated. There were things happening that I did not agree with, things that were not directly affecting me, but still indirectly affected the way I operated in the world. These were things I wanted to change. They were things that I thought could have been handled better or at least handled differently.

As life would have it, people started coming to me for advice on what they should do about their own frustrating situations. Now, this is not a coincidence. I have learned enough to know that I will find what I am looking for. The brain is an amazing organ that seeks what you ask it to seek and solves the problems that you ask it to solve.

If you talked to me over the past several weeks, and you happened to ask me how I was doing, then you heard me say something like…”I’m looking for the positive.” That’s my way of reminding myself of what Thumper said in Bambi, “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” I was well aware of my personal outlook. I was also aware that my outlook could easily sway the opinions of the people I talked to.

Fortunately, I found the positive that I was looking for, but not in the place I thought I would find it. Isn’t that the way it goes? I truly believe that God is the Divine Comedian. He will show me what I need to see, but usually in a completely different way than I expected.

Here’s what I found…purpose and passion can make the biggest difference when you’re trying to move from frustration to fulfillment. These past couple of weeks, while I was looking for the positive, I have met some amazing people who are completely in love with what they are doing with their lives. I’ve met politicians, engineers, homemakers, project managers, teachers, and insurance agents who truly believe that they are making a difference in the world by doing what they do.

That is the positive that I needed to see. I didn’t know it at first, but my frustration was related to seeing apathy in the people I thought should have been passionate about what they were doing. I was frustrated by watching people go through the motions when a little more passion could have made a big difference for a lot of people.

These conversations reminded me of a couple of lessons that I thought I had learned…

  • Focus on what you can control
  • Celebrate the small wins
  • Remember who you do it for
  • Talk about the positive
  • You will find what you look for

So, what’s the point of all this talk about passion and purpose? If you don’t know why you do what you do, you will probably feel frustrated. If you allow yourself to focus on the things you can’t control, you will probably feel frustrated. If you are not doing what you are called to do, you will almost certainly feel frustrated.

But, if you can notice when you are feeling frustrated, look for the positive, and remind yourself to focus on what you can control, then you can move back toward that amazing feeling of fulfillment.

Most people who read this probably know what it feels like to be in a flow state and be completely engaged in what you are doing. You have probably experienced the feeling that what you are doing right now is exactly what you are supposed to be doing right now.

But, I realize that some people may have never felt this way…this feeling of fulfillment. If you haven’t, here are some pointers to move you in that direction:

  • Pay attention to the things you love to think, read, learn, and talk about
  • Find ways to build more of those things into your day
  • Notice the way you feel when you make time to do something you love
  • Talk about the things that make you feel alive
  • Above all, share your passion with others because passion is contagious.

Can you imagine what our world would be like if everyone could find and do something they love?
Categories
Awareness & Perception

Four Tips for Riding the Wave of “13 Reasons Why”

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If you haven’t seen or heard of 13 Reasons Why, chances are you haven’t talked to enough teenagers over the past few weeks. This series, based on the book by Jay Asher, has become a powerful force in the lives of our young people. They are watching it, reading it, and talking about it. It is up to us, the adults, to guide this force toward good.

Take the expert guidance with a grain of salt

There have been numerous experts offering guidance about what we should do with all of the conversation around 13 Reasons Why. Some people are afraid of showing young people the reality of substance use, sexual assault, and suicide. Unfortunately, our young people already know this reality better than we do. Other people are upset that counselors are not portrayed in a positive light. Again, unfortunately, the reality is that not all counselors are sensitive to the subtle changes and signs in the young people they work with.

We need to remember that these experts have their own agendas. Some people avoid these conversations because of their own discomfort around mental health. Other people avoid the conversations because it’s easier to ignore something than to do anything about it.

Have the courage to engage in the conversation

So, what can we do? We can be prepared to have the difficult conversations around theses topics. We can even start these conversations if we are brave enough.

My plan was to engage adults around these topics to encourage others to talk to the young people under their guidance. I wasn’t actually planning to have one of these conversations in a large group setting. As life goes, my plans were subject to revision based on the needs of the people in front of me.

I went to class last week, planning to talk about therapy. It was the last night of my Intro to Psychology class. My PowerPoint and discussion questions were all ready to go. I even had a role play planned to highlight the process of active listening. As I started class, I asked my students how they were doing and if they had any questions about the reading.

My quiet class, the one that doesn’t talk very much, started with, “Can we talk about Hannah Baker?” I’m not sure how it would have gone if I didn’t know anything about Hannah Baker. Fortunately, I did. Of course, I was not really prepared to have a class discussion about Hannah Baker, but it seemed like something I could easily relate back to the topic of therapy.

Be prepared with a couple of talking points

Without giving you a play-by-play transcript of the discussion, I want to offer some tips about the topics that seem to be of interest.

Who is to blame for Hannah Baker’s suicide?

Students wanted to talk about what each character could have done differently. They all seemed to have a favorite character who shouldn’t have done something or should have done something. The person they didn’t focus on was Hannah Baker. Students seemed to understand that she was ultimately responsible for her own death, but needed guidance to talk about how she could have progressed through the series of events in a slightly different way.

What can you do to be a friend to someone who is hurting?

The goal of talking about blame is to point out that no one, in particular, is to blame. On the other hand, everyone played a role and could have played their role differently. There is great power in being a friend to someone in need. There is also power in listening attentively and watching closely when someone comes to you for help.

How are guilt and shame a part of this picture?

On the subject of blame, a related topic of shame played a huge role in Hannah’s suicide. From the initial picture that was sent around the school to the missed opportunity to save her friend from rape, Hannah experienced a lot of guilt and shame. Talking about these experiences is one way to alleviate the impact of guilt and shame.

How can we have honest conversations about difficult subjects?

When we can have conversations about things that hurt us or things we could have done differently, we find out that we are not alone. Everyone has done things they regret. Being honest enough to talk about these things could give a young person just enough mental and emotional space to reach out for help.

What if you just can’t have the conversation?

This series has the power to change the mental health landscape if we harness it and direct it in the right way. If you can’t have this conversation, but know it’s needed, reach out to someone who can. Find a counselor, psychologist, or another brave soul to talk to the young people you are responsible for guiding.

If we don’t harness the power of this movement and ride out this wave with them it may not have the positive impact that it could. In fact, it could actually lead to increased misunderstanding around mental health. Our young people could be left more confused than they are now. It’s up to us to guide the direction of this conversation from a place of greater perspective and deeper wisdom. Let’s not miss this valuable opportunity.

 

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Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

Stop Pushing the Same Rock Up the Same Hill

Do you ever find yourself feeling frustrated when you really want to feel fulfilled and happy? A few years ago, I was very frustrated with my job. I felt like I was close to getting burned out. I know all the signs, but that doesn’t mean that I’m immune to feeling easily fatigued, being short with people, thinking about other options, feeling hopeless that things will get better, and experiencing physical sickness.

No matter how hard I worked, I just couldn’t keep up. I felt like Sysiphus (from Greek mythology), pushing a rock up a hill each day only for it to roll back down again. Can you imagine how frustrating that felt?

I got into a bad habit of writing psychological reports at home and on the weekends. My health and relationships suffered. Finally, I realized that I needed to talk to someone because my best efforts were not making things better. In fact, it felt like what I was doing was making it worse.

I found a trusted mentor and asked for a few minutes of her time. She graciously listened without judgment, asked thoughtful questions, and shared some of her own experiences. By the time I left her office, I felt much better. Not only did she really listen, she connected with me right where I was.

That probably would have been enough, but she provided even more. She gave me a tool that completely changed the way I thought about my current job and my career as a whole. Without her guidance, I would have probably left education a long time ago.

The tool she introduced me to was the 5-year plan. I’m not new to planning. I had my future planned out when I was in middle school. Of course, my plan has changed a few times since then. But, the point is, I knew how to plan. And, I knew that having a plan made me feel safe and in control of my life.

So, I got started writing my plan. As she suggested, I included ideas for my professional development, ways to make my job more meaningful, and options for other jobs just in case things didn’t get better.

As I look back over that plan, I can see how much I’ve grown. I found ways to do my job better than ever before. I also discovered ways to prioritize activities to create space for things that felt more meaningful, like counseling and consultation. Now, I have the ability to complete the core functions of my job and still support students and teachers in a tangible and purposeful way. I realize there are still areas that I need to work on, but that’s how life goes. The best part is that having my options written on paper made me feel like I had more control over my life.

Research shows that people who feel an internal locus of control tend to be happier, less stressed, more likely to set and achieve goals, and enjoy better physical health. So, the point is this, if you don’t have a 5-year plan, then you should think about creating one. Why? Because it will give you something to work toward and allow you to feel more control over your life.

Most people think it takes too much time to write out a plan. The truth is that you can do this in just a few minutes. Deep down, we all know where we want to be in the next five years. Imagine how your life will be in five years if you keep doing what you are doing right now. Maybe it will be fabulous. Chances are, your life will be virtually the same as it is today unless you make a conscious effort to steer it in a specific direction.

I just wrote a new 5-year plan a few months ago. I review it at least once a week. So far, I’m moving in the direction of my plan. I can’t wait to look back over it in a few years. I have learned that setting and reviewing my goals helps me move in the direction of my dreams.

Even better, setting quarterly, monthly, weekly, and daily priorities helps me ensure that I am doing the daily practices that make the most difference. I periodically review my weekly and daily practices to see which activities are the most beneficial and which ones need to be deleted from my routine. This small investment of time has paid off. Now, I don’t feel as busy, and I’m getting more meaningful things done, both at work and at home.

Right now, I’m feeling very grateful for my trusted mentor taking a few minutes of her valuable time to listen and share. I have expressed my appreciation, but I don’t know if she truly knows how much she impacted my career and my life. Fortunately, this lovely lady is still in my life, so I have the opportunity to share my gratitude with her and continue learning from her vast experiences.