Tag: awareness

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Sports Psychology

Setback or Step Up: Does Your Team Have What it Takes to Overcome Challenges?

The pressure is on and your team is down by seven. It’s time to make a choice. Do you fight to win or give up hope? Is your team resilient? Before you think this doesn’t apply to you, let’s explore what I mean by “team.”

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What is a Team?

Team: A Group of People Organized to Accomplish a Specific Goal

Chances are that you are part of many different teams right now. Most of us belong to a family. We work with other people on almost all jobs in today’s society. Some of us even play on sports teams or have athletic children.

If you think about all of the connections in your life, you will likely find that your days are filled with teams of people. Your successes and failures are supported or hindered by the performance of the various teams that make up your life.

Resilience: Bouncing Back

The ability to bounce back from a challenging situation is a necessary life skill. In psychology, we have been studying individual resilience for decades. People who are more resilient tend to be more satisfied with life and have fewer health concerns.

When we apply individual resilience to teams we get a whole new concept. You can’t simply take the ability of each person and think you have your answer. Team resilience is not like addition; it’s more like multiplication on good days and division on bad days.

There are social interactions at play within teams. Whether we know it or not, our thoughts, emotions, and actions are often influenced by those around us.

Team Mentality

As we become more involved with our team, it gets harder to separate our own emotions from the emotions of the team. When one person is having a bad day, it seems to spread to others. On the ball field, we say that errors are contagious.

The good thing is that positivity is contagious too. Have you ever watched a team and noticed the momentum shift? It’s that moment where you start to feel chill bumps on your skin. The players are in the zone. They are confident and ready to respond to whatever comes next. If you’re close enough, you can even see it in their eyes. They are completely absorbed in the moment.

Sometimes the momentum shifts back the other direction. That’s when you can see how strong your team really is. At that point, it’s not about athletic ability or technical skill. When your team is down it’s about finding the emotional resilience and mental strength to fight back.

Setback or Step Up

I’m not an athlete, but I am the wife and mother of athletes. I don’t have direct experience playing sports (besides one softball season which didn’t go well), but I do have the ability to read research studies and translate them into real-life applications.

So, to help me understand what is happening with teams, I turned to the research. Based on what I could find, resilient teams, those that can bounce back from a setback, have several things in common.

There is no “I” in “team”

Resilient teams are made up of individuals who feel connected to their teammates. They trust that they are all working toward a common goal. When one teammate is struggling, the others pick them up. They remind each other of the ultimate goal. No one person takes responsibility for the wins or losses.

There are group norms and processes. Everyone is expected to uphold the standards established by the group. If one person is expected to do it, then everyone is expected to do it. These shared norms and processes give team members a sense of purpose and belonging, even in difficult times.

Progress, not perfection

Teams that use challenges as an opportunity to improve are better able to bounce back in the future. On every team, there comes a time when what we have been doing isn’t working anymore. At that time, we have the opportunity to adapt and improve. Teams can take a step back and determine any needed changes to their attitudes or activities.

Some resilient teams are even able to structure their workflow to obtain consistent growth outcomes. These teams set goals to overcome previous limitations. Even if the ultimate big picture goal is not achieved, having a sense of progress keeps the team motivated to move forward together.

Shared stories and beliefs

Resilient teams share stories of past victories and defeats. They remind each other of where they have come from and where they are going.

There is a collective vision of the future, which includes more than external trophies. While it’s nice to receive a reward for hard work, resilient teams work for more than that. Their shared vision includes emotional connections that keep the team pulling together rather than growing apart.

For resilient teams, it’s more about the heart than the how. Their primary focus is on their intentions. They intend to finish strong together. They believe that they have what it takes to be successful. Even though they may not see how they still believe that they have what it takes.

What About The Fans?

So, what can you do from outside the fence? That’s where I find myself on many occasions. Whether I’m coaching teachers before a difficult meeting or supporting my favorite sports teams, I’m frequently outside the fence.

Here are a couple of strategies that I’ve found to encourage team resilience from the outside:

  • Encourage a positive outlook
    • Help them build a positive vision of the future.
    • Remind them of times they were successful.
    • Sandwich constructive criticism between positive comments.
    • If you must assume something (someone’s motives, possible outcomes, etc.) try to assume the most compassionate version of the story. Maybe it really wasn’t about you. Maybe that person was just having a bad day.
  • Encourage self-awareness
    • Ask for stories about a time when the team was successful.
    • Discuss what they were thinking about when specific things happened.
    • Help them understand the real reasons behind why they thought, felt, or acted a certain way in a specific situation.
    • Ask about how they recently encouraged a teammate or were encouraged by a teammate.
  • See the best in everyone
    • Cheer for all team members.
    • Don’t talk negatively about any member of the team.
    • If you have a concern, talk to the person rather than about them.
    • Remember that when one person is down, it usually brings down the whole team.
Categories
Awareness & Perception Mindfulness & Peacefulness

Shadow Boxing

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In the previous post, Shifting Shadows, I wrote about how we can identify and work with our own shadows. In essence, the shadow is composed of those parts of our personality that we hide from the world and possibly from ourselves.

For some people, the shadow has characteristics of extreme anger, jealousy, greed, neediness, ignorance, etc. Regardless of what parts of yourself have been deemed unacceptable by you or by society, if they are part of you then they are still there…lurking in the shadows.

Others Have Shadows Too

Since we don’t live in this world alone, it stands to reason that we will interact with other people. Guess what those people have? They have shadows too.

How do we know if we are interacting with repressed, unowned parts of another person? Well, sometimes we won’t know. Sometimes there is no way to tell what is happening with the other person. But, there are a few clues that can point us in the right direction.

  1. Defensiveness – Look for unprovoked defensive responses. Typically, you will notice repeated efforts to explain, defend, or deny an action. Some people even try to shift the blame when they become defensive.
  2. Emotionality – Pay attention to the times when people become overly emotional. They may be having a bad day, but they may also be unconsciously acting out aspects of their shadow.
  3. Projection – Sometimes people will unconsciously attribute their unwanted emotions or beliefs onto others. Look for times when someone may be asking you why you are so angry (replace with any other emotion/behavior/belief) or treating you like you are angry, but you truly know that you are not angry. This is an indication that they are unconsciously projecting this onto you.

Bill Harris, the founder of Centerpointe Research Institute, loves to say that awareness brings choice. When you are aware of your own personality and are able to watch yourself interact with others, then you can begin to recognize their shadows too.

Until you are able to wake up and increase your awareness of your own thoughts and feelings, then you will not be able to effectively distinguish between your shadow and someone else’s shadow.

How to Stop Shadow Boxing

It’s great to be able to recognize when you might be interacting with aspects of someone’s shadow. Now that we think we know what’s happening, what do we do?

We have a couple of options.

  1. Keep shadow boxing – You know how this feels. At the end of the interaction, you feel exhausted and frustrated. Nothing was accomplished. Noone learned anything or came to any new conclusions. Someone’s feelings got hurt. Noone grew emotionally or spiritually.
  2. Treat them with kindness – If you have enough awareness to realize this is happening, then you have the ability to choose a different response. Because you were once, probably not too long ago, where they are, you know how hard it can be to identify and reintegrate your shadow.
  3. Walk away – Sometimes it’s just easier to walk away from the person or situation. There will be days when you don’t have the awareness, inner balance, or emotional resilience to find kindness for this person. Dodging their attacks might be better for you both in the long run. This may seem like taking the easy way out. And it might be. But, sometimes easy is a good thing.

Regardless of which option you choose each day, the best part is knowing that when you are awake and aware, then you have a choice. But, be patient with yourself. We all fall asleep sometimes, right?

Categories
Awareness & Perception Mindfulness & Peacefulness

Shifting Shadows

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What if the doorway to lasting freedom, peace, and happiness was at the end of a long, dimly lit hallway? You can’t see the door, but you’ve heard that it’s there. All you can see are strange, shifting shadows. Some of these shadows are familiar, but others are not.

You look around and notice that there are openings along the hallway. The light through these openings is distorted, filtered, and sometimes even blocked by whatever is out there. You wonder what it is that’s causing these shadows because you know that you want to walk toward the doorway.

After thinking about it for a few minutes, you realize that these shadows are the only things between you and the opportunity to enjoy lasting freedom, peace, and happiness.

What would you do? 

I would have to ask myself a few questions. Are shadows really things? Do they have a substance? Can you touch them, hold them, weigh or measure them? How can a shadow stand between you and your opportunities?

This sounds like the beginning of a very interesting fictional story, but it isn’t. This is the story of our lives.

These shadows are real.

Shadows are the parts of ourselves that have been disowned, neglected, and pushed to the side. These are the parts that we learned were unacceptable because they didn’t fit with what our family or society wanted us to be. Maybe these are the parts of yourself that don’t fit with what you want to be or how you want others to see you.

The interesting thing is that we may not even be aware of some of these shadows in our personality.

Have you ever wondered why everyone is being so ____________?

Fill in the blank however you choose. Some people might fill in the blank with words like angry, impatient, greedy, rude, insensitive, etc.

For me, lately, I have wondered why everyone is being so illogical. Things are happening that seem to make no sense at all. There are processes that don’t work and policies that don’t accomplish the goal they were intended to accomplish. People are doing things that are truly out of line with what any logical person would understand to be the way the world should work.

Why is this a problem for me? It’s not because these people or their illogical actions and policies directly impact me. Honestly, it’s really not a problem for me personally. There is no logical reason why I should have an emotional reaction to these things.

Thankfully, I have been practicing meditation and am able to notice these reactions within myself. That doesn’t mean I don’t experience the emotions or react without thinking. In fact, I have watched myself rant and rave about some illogical action and then wondered why I am being so illogical. At least I am able to bring the light of awareness to these previously hidden aspects of my personality.

Do the ideas of shadow and light seem familiar?

We could go back to the Bible to find references to shadows and light. Think about the book of Job. It is full of shadow language. There are also references to finding protection in the shadow. This makes sense because sometimes our shadow can protect us from aspects of ourselves that are too painful to face right now.

“He uncovers the hidden dimensions from darkness, bringing what is in deep shadow into light.” – Job 12:22 (ISV)

Around the same time, the Chinese presented this concept of light and shadow in the Tao Te Ching. The text was written around 500 BC to provide instruction about how to find balance in all things, including the way to live a virtuous life.

“A being must carry the shadow to embrace the light, and blend these vital breaths to make harmony.” – Tao Te Ching

The concept of “shadow work” has been a part of psychology since the time of Jung. He described the shadow as the disowned part of the self. Jung even went as far as to say that we project our disowned parts onto other people.

“Unfortunately there can be no doubt that man is, on the whole, less good than he imagines himself or wants to be. Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” – Jung

Here’s where the work comes in.

So, following the logic of Jung, these emotional triggers may be aspects of our shadows. We see them in other people and situations rather than recognizing them in ourselves or allowing ourselves to experience and own them.

According to this framework, seeing illogical people, processes, and situations all around me and having a strong emotional reaction to these things indicates that I have some personal work to do in this area.

Why do I have work to do in this area? Because I don’t like being pushed around by thought processes and feelings that are not making my life better.

Because I choose to walk down the dimly lit, winding hallway, I choose to face the shadows and see what is creating them.

Ready to do some shadow work?

Here are some suggestions for those of you who are brave enough to look for the shadows, sit with the discomfort, and learn the lessons that are presented.

  • Approach this process with an attitude of curiosity
  • Accept that we (and others) are both light and shadow
  • Practice meditation
  • Figure out which people, places, and situations trigger strong emotions
  • Stop running from your shadow by distracting yourself, numbing yourself, and zoning out
  • When you find aspects of your shadow, bring the light of love to those parts of yourself
  • Practice self-compassion
  • Be patient with yourself as you develop the courage to sit with difficult emotions
  • Accept that sometimes we need a guide to point us in the right direction
Categories
Passion & Purpose

Looking For The Positive

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Life is full of experiences. The way we interpret the meaning of those experiences is up to each of us. Just like we all have different preferences in music and food, we also have different ways of understanding the people and events that happen around us.

A few weeks ago, I started to feel frustrated. There were things happening that I did not agree with, things that were not directly affecting me, but still indirectly affected the way I operated in the world. These were things I wanted to change. They were things that I thought could have been handled better or at least handled differently.

As life would have it, people started coming to me for advice on what they should do about their own frustrating situations. Now, this is not a coincidence. I have learned enough to know that I will find what I am looking for. The brain is an amazing organ that seeks what you ask it to seek and solves the problems that you ask it to solve.

If you talked to me over the past several weeks, and you happened to ask me how I was doing, then you heard me say something like…”I’m looking for the positive.” That’s my way of reminding myself of what Thumper said in Bambi, “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” I was well aware of my personal outlook. I was also aware that my outlook could easily sway the opinions of the people I talked to.

Fortunately, I found the positive that I was looking for, but not in the place I thought I would find it. Isn’t that the way it goes? I truly believe that God is the Divine Comedian. He will show me what I need to see, but usually in a completely different way than I expected.

Here’s what I found…purpose and passion can make the biggest difference when you’re trying to move from frustration to fulfillment. These past couple of weeks, while I was looking for the positive, I have met some amazing people who are completely in love with what they are doing with their lives. I’ve met politicians, engineers, homemakers, project managers, teachers, and insurance agents who truly believe that they are making a difference in the world by doing what they do.

That is the positive that I needed to see. I didn’t know it at first, but my frustration was related to seeing apathy in the people I thought should have been passionate about what they were doing. I was frustrated by watching people go through the motions when a little more passion could have made a big difference for a lot of people.

These conversations reminded me of a couple of lessons that I thought I had learned…

  • Focus on what you can control
  • Celebrate the small wins
  • Remember who you do it for
  • Talk about the positive
  • You will find what you look for

So, what’s the point of all this talk about passion and purpose? If you don’t know why you do what you do, you will probably feel frustrated. If you allow yourself to focus on the things you can’t control, you will probably feel frustrated. If you are not doing what you are called to do, you will almost certainly feel frustrated.

But, if you can notice when you are feeling frustrated, look for the positive, and remind yourself to focus on what you can control, then you can move back toward that amazing feeling of fulfillment.

Most people who read this probably know what it feels like to be in a flow state and be completely engaged in what you are doing. You have probably experienced the feeling that what you are doing right now is exactly what you are supposed to be doing right now.

But, I realize that some people may have never felt this way…this feeling of fulfillment. If you haven’t, here are some pointers to move you in that direction:

  • Pay attention to the things you love to think, read, learn, and talk about
  • Find ways to build more of those things into your day
  • Notice the way you feel when you make time to do something you love
  • Talk about the things that make you feel alive
  • Above all, share your passion with others because passion is contagious.

Can you imagine what our world would be like if everyone could find and do something they love?
Categories
Awareness & Perception

Four Tips for Riding the Wave of “13 Reasons Why”

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If you haven’t seen or heard of 13 Reasons Why, chances are you haven’t talked to enough teenagers over the past few weeks. This series, based on the book by Jay Asher, has become a powerful force in the lives of our young people. They are watching it, reading it, and talking about it. It is up to us, the adults, to guide this force toward good.

Take the expert guidance with a grain of salt

There have been numerous experts offering guidance about what we should do with all of the conversation around 13 Reasons Why. Some people are afraid of showing young people the reality of substance use, sexual assault, and suicide. Unfortunately, our young people already know this reality better than we do. Other people are upset that counselors are not portrayed in a positive light. Again, unfortunately, the reality is that not all counselors are sensitive to the subtle changes and signs in the young people they work with.

We need to remember that these experts have their own agendas. Some people avoid these conversations because of their own discomfort around mental health. Other people avoid the conversations because it’s easier to ignore something than to do anything about it.

Have the courage to engage in the conversation

So, what can we do? We can be prepared to have the difficult conversations around theses topics. We can even start these conversations if we are brave enough.

My plan was to engage adults around these topics to encourage others to talk to the young people under their guidance. I wasn’t actually planning to have one of these conversations in a large group setting. As life goes, my plans were subject to revision based on the needs of the people in front of me.

I went to class last week, planning to talk about therapy. It was the last night of my Intro to Psychology class. My PowerPoint and discussion questions were all ready to go. I even had a role play planned to highlight the process of active listening. As I started class, I asked my students how they were doing and if they had any questions about the reading.

My quiet class, the one that doesn’t talk very much, started with, “Can we talk about Hannah Baker?” I’m not sure how it would have gone if I didn’t know anything about Hannah Baker. Fortunately, I did. Of course, I was not really prepared to have a class discussion about Hannah Baker, but it seemed like something I could easily relate back to the topic of therapy.

Be prepared with a couple of talking points

Without giving you a play-by-play transcript of the discussion, I want to offer some tips about the topics that seem to be of interest.

Who is to blame for Hannah Baker’s suicide?

Students wanted to talk about what each character could have done differently. They all seemed to have a favorite character who shouldn’t have done something or should have done something. The person they didn’t focus on was Hannah Baker. Students seemed to understand that she was ultimately responsible for her own death, but needed guidance to talk about how she could have progressed through the series of events in a slightly different way.

What can you do to be a friend to someone who is hurting?

The goal of talking about blame is to point out that no one, in particular, is to blame. On the other hand, everyone played a role and could have played their role differently. There is great power in being a friend to someone in need. There is also power in listening attentively and watching closely when someone comes to you for help.

How are guilt and shame a part of this picture?

On the subject of blame, a related topic of shame played a huge role in Hannah’s suicide. From the initial picture that was sent around the school to the missed opportunity to save her friend from rape, Hannah experienced a lot of guilt and shame. Talking about these experiences is one way to alleviate the impact of guilt and shame.

How can we have honest conversations about difficult subjects?

When we can have conversations about things that hurt us or things we could have done differently, we find out that we are not alone. Everyone has done things they regret. Being honest enough to talk about these things could give a young person just enough mental and emotional space to reach out for help.

What if you just can’t have the conversation?

This series has the power to change the mental health landscape if we harness it and direct it in the right way. If you can’t have this conversation, but know it’s needed, reach out to someone who can. Find a counselor, psychologist, or another brave soul to talk to the young people you are responsible for guiding.

If we don’t harness the power of this movement and ride out this wave with them it may not have the positive impact that it could. In fact, it could actually lead to increased misunderstanding around mental health. Our young people could be left more confused than they are now. It’s up to us to guide the direction of this conversation from a place of greater perspective and deeper wisdom. Let’s not miss this valuable opportunity.

 

Categories
Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

Stop Pushing the Same Rock Up the Same Hill

Do you ever find yourself feeling frustrated when you really want to feel fulfilled and happy? A few years ago, I was very frustrated with my job. I felt like I was close to getting burned out. I know all the signs, but that doesn’t mean that I’m immune to feeling easily fatigued, being short with people, thinking about other options, feeling hopeless that things will get better, and experiencing physical sickness.

No matter how hard I worked, I just couldn’t keep up. I felt like Sysiphus (from Greek mythology), pushing a rock up a hill each day only for it to roll back down again. Can you imagine how frustrating that felt?

I got into a bad habit of writing psychological reports at home and on the weekends. My health and relationships suffered. Finally, I realized that I needed to talk to someone because my best efforts were not making things better. In fact, it felt like what I was doing was making it worse.

I found a trusted mentor and asked for a few minutes of her time. She graciously listened without judgment, asked thoughtful questions, and shared some of her own experiences. By the time I left her office, I felt much better. Not only did she really listen, she connected with me right where I was.

That probably would have been enough, but she provided even more. She gave me a tool that completely changed the way I thought about my current job and my career as a whole. Without her guidance, I would have probably left education a long time ago.

The tool she introduced me to was the 5-year plan. I’m not new to planning. I had my future planned out when I was in middle school. Of course, my plan has changed a few times since then. But, the point is, I knew how to plan. And, I knew that having a plan made me feel safe and in control of my life.

So, I got started writing my plan. As she suggested, I included ideas for my professional development, ways to make my job more meaningful, and options for other jobs just in case things didn’t get better.

As I look back over that plan, I can see how much I’ve grown. I found ways to do my job better than ever before. I also discovered ways to prioritize activities to create space for things that felt more meaningful, like counseling and consultation. Now, I have the ability to complete the core functions of my job and still support students and teachers in a tangible and purposeful way. I realize there are still areas that I need to work on, but that’s how life goes. The best part is that having my options written on paper made me feel like I had more control over my life.

Research shows that people who feel an internal locus of control tend to be happier, less stressed, more likely to set and achieve goals, and enjoy better physical health. So, the point is this, if you don’t have a 5-year plan, then you should think about creating one. Why? Because it will give you something to work toward and allow you to feel more control over your life.

Most people think it takes too much time to write out a plan. The truth is that you can do this in just a few minutes. Deep down, we all know where we want to be in the next five years. Imagine how your life will be in five years if you keep doing what you are doing right now. Maybe it will be fabulous. Chances are, your life will be virtually the same as it is today unless you make a conscious effort to steer it in a specific direction.

I just wrote a new 5-year plan a few months ago. I review it at least once a week. So far, I’m moving in the direction of my plan. I can’t wait to look back over it in a few years. I have learned that setting and reviewing my goals helps me move in the direction of my dreams.

Even better, setting quarterly, monthly, weekly, and daily priorities helps me ensure that I am doing the daily practices that make the most difference. I periodically review my weekly and daily practices to see which activities are the most beneficial and which ones need to be deleted from my routine. This small investment of time has paid off. Now, I don’t feel as busy, and I’m getting more meaningful things done, both at work and at home.

Right now, I’m feeling very grateful for my trusted mentor taking a few minutes of her valuable time to listen and share. I have expressed my appreciation, but I don’t know if she truly knows how much she impacted my career and my life. Fortunately, this lovely lady is still in my life, so I have the opportunity to share my gratitude with her and continue learning from her vast experiences.

Categories
Thoughts on Change

Ignorance Is Bliss, … Until It Isn’t 

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Do you remember the last time you tried to learn something new? Chances are you went through a typical process: you realized that what you were doing wasn’t working and you needed to do something different, you struggled for a while, and then finally it all came together.

The realization that you got it, that it all makes sense, is an amazing feeling! And as a professor, I get to see this happen all the time. Thankfully, I still get to have my own AHA moments too!

The Bliss of Ignorance

Just like everyone else, my students start out not knowing what they don’t know. In all honesty, this is a nice place to be sometimes because it allows you to keep doing the same things you’ve always done.

If you’re like me, you wonder what’s wrong. Maybe you even try to rationalize why you keep doing the same things even though you keep getting the same results.

At this point, we may not even know that there is a better way to do something because we’ve never seen or tried a better way. As the old saying goes, “ignorance is bliss”… until it isn’t.

Waking Up

Then, we move to the point where we realize that there is a gap in the knowledge. From my perspective, this is similar to waking up in the morning and feeling a little groggy. Learning to see things differently can be a little disorienting at first, but our brains are fully capable of reorganizing to understand new things.

Accepting that there is something we don’t know, that maybe we should know, and maybe it could even make our life better, is very frustrating for most people. We want to feel like we know whatever we need to know because that makes us feel good about ourselves. And we know we’re smart enough to learn what we need to know.

At this point, the frustration can lead to resistance. That’s normal because it means that our perspective will have to change to incorporate this new information into our worldview, and more importantly, our daily lives.

Sitting With Discomfort

Being able to witness someone understand a new concept for the first time is one of the best parts of teaching and coaching.

My students have described my class as a laid-back atmosphere where you can have deep conversations while you learn. At first, I was a little offended by the “laid-back” part. Aren’t college classrooms supposed to be highly structured, even rigid? Isn’t the professor supposed to stand in the front of the room and lecture while the students take notes?

I’m not that kind of teacher. After working through my assumptions and beliefs about teaching, I realized that my teaching style is in line with my beliefs. If you’ve read any of my other posts you understand why this belief alignment was an important process for me to work through.

I know that these AHA moments are rare when we are experiencing a lot of stress. In times of stress, our brain is primarily focused on keeping us safe and alive. We may even sabotage our efforts in order to maintain the comfortable status quo.

My students experience a lot of stress outside of the classroom, and they have the stress of learning new and challenging material. My delivery of the material can be the bridge that provides support through the process.

I operate the same way when I coach people. We start where we are, decide where we want to go, and explore the space in between. My focus is on getting people the best results they want to achieve with the least resistance and stress possible.

Putting it All Together

Eventually, the new learning takes shape. With practice, things that just didn’t make sense, finally come together.

After you step outside of your current view, you can see the issue from a whole new perspective. Suddenly, things become integrated, no longer in disconnected, chaotic pieces. At that point, it’s not possible to go back to seeing the world the way you did before.

That is the definition of learning. True learning is the incorporation of new knowledge that leads to permanent changes in thought and behavior.

Categories
Awareness & Perception

“13 Reasons Why” Should Be Required

Do you remember middle school and high school? For most people, these were not the best years of their lives. Maybe you are one of the few who would say that your teenage years were amazing. Or, maybe you were more like the rest of the people I know who wouldn’t go back to that time if you paid them.

Over the weekend, I watched all 13 episodes of 13 Reasons Why. For those of you who haven’t seen it, this is a Netflix series based on a book by Jay Asher. It is sad and life-changing. 13 Reasons Why should be required viewing for anyone who works with youth from middle school through college.

After watching this series, I will never dismiss any child’s warning signs again, no matter how trivial they might seem to my adult mind.

If you know me, you’ve probably heard me say that I live in my happy bubble. I don’t watch the news very much or get caught up in politics. I would much prefer to fill my mind with positive, uplifting information.

In my happy bubble, I like to think that small, close-knit communities are immune to these issues, but we’re not. This is a huge problem in Georgia, especially rural Georgia.

Did you know that death by suicide is on the rise in Georgia? In 2015, approximately 13% of the deaths of young people from ages 5-19 were attributed to suicide. That is up drastically from 5% in 2007.

In all honesty, that percentage is most likely an underestimate. Death by suicide is commonly covered up or blamed on something else in order to avoid the guilt and shame that typically accompanies this type of death.

To make it worse, on the most recent Youth Risk Behavior Survey, 18% of GA middle school students reported that they had seriously considered suicide. Whether we want to admit it or not, our young people are hurting.

It is up to all of us to watch out for signs of distress. If you know a young person who is exhibiting symptoms of depression, decreases in grades, increases in discipline problems, or simply withdrawing from the world, please get them some help.

We have to make ourselves available to our young people and be open to hearing what they have to say. We can listen to their experiences, help them think through their options, and show them that they are not alone. Even if they can’t explain what they are “feeling,” we can still walk along side them when life gets hard.

Knowledge is power, especially when we can use it to improve the lives of our young people. For more data, check out the GA Department of Public Health. It takes a little digging, but there is a wealth of data that has been collected over the past 20+ years.

 

 

Categories
Awareness & Perception

Work for the Cause, Not the Applause

Do you ever feel overworked, underpaid, or underappreciated? Most people have felt this way at one time or another. I have heard people describe it as swimming upstream, fighting a losing battle, chasing their tail, or running on fumes. These different ways of understanding our current reality can reveal a lot about our underlying values and current perspective.

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Our Perspective

If I were to ask you to think about an area of your life where you feel overworked or underappreciated, which area would it be? Would it be work, home, church, school, or friendships? Thinking about this area, what are your specific complaints?

Maybe you feel like you put in more effort than others. Maybe you believe that you are worth more than you currently receive. Maybe you think that people should recognize what you do and praise you for your contribution. These thoughts could be based on your assumptions about what others should be doing.

I can agree that it is difficult to keep putting forth your best effort when you don’t feel like others value your contribution. It would be nice if everyone put in the same amount of effort, received appropriate compensation for the value they contribute, and felt appreciated in all areas of life.

However, the truth is that we live in the real world. Things are not always going to be fair. Other people have their own perspectives and see the world through their own filters of assumptions, beliefs, and values.

Our Values

The more important factor here is that we can only control ourselves. Trying to convince people to change is typically a waste of time and energy. We have all heard the saying, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” Horses can be stubborn, but so can people.

So, how do we reconcile this situation? Like always, we focus on what we can change. If we step back from the situation, we can figure out our values in this specific area of life. Why are we doing what we are doing? Why do we keep going to work and putting forth our best effort? Why do we keep cleaning up the house, knowing it will be messy again tomorrow?

Is this something we really want to keep doing? Let’s be honest, sometimes we really are overworked and underappreciated. Maybe it’s time to step back and let someone else carry the load for a little while.

Align Our Values and Actions

Hopefully, we do these things for a reason that is bigger than applause or money. If we can see that our efforts are based on our values (not some external reward), then it becomes much easier to keep going. Knowing how to realign our values and shift our perspective can help us feel a little better about these situations.

I don’t know about you, but I do what I do because it aligns with my values. If my actions didn’t align with my values, I would consider finding something else to do with my time and energy.

However, there are times when I begin to feel overworked and underappreciated. When this happens, I remind myself of the reasons why I do what I do. For those who are interested, here are my beliefs, as I currently understand them.

  • I believe that it is important to give to others, based on what I have been given.
  • I believe that self-knowledge gives us greater flexibility.
  • I believe that awareness brings more opportunities for choice.
  • I believe that people make the best decisions they can make, based on their past experiences and future goals.
  • I believe that we are all more powerful than we realize.

 

 

Categories
Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

When you assume, you make…

When you assume, you make…

We all know how that statement usually ends, but do you know why assumptions are so important to our daily lives? The assumptions we hold about ourselves, others, and the world can make or break our efforts to live an authentic life and be the best version of ourselves that we can be. These assumptions also serve as the support structure for our beliefs and values. Starting with our assumptions, we can effectively shift our beliefs and values to more successfully support our goals.

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Have you ever asked yourself why you keep doing things that don’t move you in the direction of your goals? Sometimes I find myself stuck in a cycle of thinking about what I should or shouldn’t be thinking or doing. Or worse, thinking about what others should or shouldn’t be doing. This may seem like a productive thing to do, but it actually drains all of the energy that I could be using to create the outcomes I want.

There are ways to keep moving in a positive direction, starting with understanding our faulty assumptions. Once we understand ourselves a little more, we can more easily choose to see things differently and respond in a more helpful, productive way.

“Should”s and “Shouldn’t”s: Faulty Assumptions 

Our past experiences help us develop assumptions about ourselves, others, and the world in general. Some of these assumptions are adaptive and helpful. For instance, many people have learned that they should get up and go to work each day. That is helpful because (in the best situations) work makes you feel good about your contribution to the world, encourages personal growth, and allows you to pay your bills. Other assumptions are not as helpful and actually keep us stuck in dysfunctional thought processes.

Media Messages

For example, let’s think about the media messages regarding what it means to be a woman in today’s world. We are taught that women should be beautiful (but make it look effortless), submissive (but be able to stand on our own), smart (but not smarter than others), compassionate (but hold ourselves to a standard of perfection), and employed (but also take care of the family and home). It is almost impossible to balance all of these shoulds and maintain any sense of being centered and calm, much less live from a place that feels authentic.

I am sure there are plenty of other shoulds that our young women today have internalized from the popular culture. You can probably think of a much longer list than this one. For example, my daughter “should” be a straight “A” student and a superstar athlete.

If like my daughter, you have tried to master several domains, you are aware of how difficult it can be to give 100% in every area of life. Learning who we are, living from our authentic self, and practicing self-compassion can help keep things in balance.

I don’t mean to leave out the men. I know they receive cultural messages and have internalized faulty assumptions too. If you are male or have important men in your life, you can probably recognize some of the shoulds that they are expected to uphold…men should be strong (but also sensitive), hardworking (but also available for the family), independent (but just needy enough to build relationships), and powerful (but also protective of others). Again, this balance is almost impossible without a stable base of self-knowledge from which to live an authentic life.

Family and Friends

These media messages aren’t the only place (or even the first place) where we learn cultural standards that can lead to faulty assumptions. We can also internalize them from our family and friends.

Some of these assumptions come from things we learned during our childhood. During the first few years of life, we are dependent on our parents for everything. Our parents are responsible for keeping us alive and teaching us how to interact with the world.

If we have parents who are responsive and caring, we tend to learn that the world is a safe place where our needs can be met. If on the other hand, we have parents who are abusive or neglectful, then we tend to learn that the world is not a safe place. We may even come to believe that we have to always keep our guard up or that everyone is out to get us.

I know that some psychologists have been criticized for blaming everything on parents, but there is no way around the fact that our parents are the primary influence during our early development. In fact, childhood trauma is highly correlated with mental health and physical health, even into adulthood.

I am not saying that we can blame all of our bad habits on our parents. What I am saying is that when we can recognize these influences, then we can take responsibility for our current thoughts and behaviors.

Moving beyond the early influence of parents, we also learn some of our assumptions from interacting with our friends and acquaintances.

Think about a time when you received praise for doing something well or achieving a major goal. Maybe you spent a lot of time and effort working on your physical beauty through eating healthy and exercising. If you were repeatedly praised for these improvements, you may have internalized the message that you should be beautiful or thin in order to be worthy of love (or praise, or admiration, or acceptance, etc.).

Testing Our Assumptions

Basing our worth on fulfilling faulty assumptions is a dangerous way to live. It’s also a very tentative way of understanding our place in the world. Without self-knowledge, we are floating in the wind, going whichever way the winds of life blow us. We are left without a stable base from which to interact with the world.

Exploring our assumptions is a good way to gain self-knowledge. If you want to explore your faulty assumptions, try watching your thought patterns and habitual behaviors in a specific area of your life. Pick one area that is not working well and explore your assumptions in that area. Ask yourself these questions:

  • What messages have I received from the media about this area of life?
  • What are my “should”s and “shouldn’t”s about myself, others, and the world?
  • Complete this statement: In order to be worthy, I should…
  • Complete this statement: In order to be worthy, I shouldn’t…
  • What childhood experiences might be related to these faulty assumptions?
  • Were there times in my life where these assumptions were helpful or protective?
  • Are there any patterns in my language that could reveal my assumptions? What do I repeatedly say to myself? What do I repeatedly say to others?
  • Are these assumptions always true?
  • Have there been times when I didn’t follow these assumptions? How did it work out?

Hopefully, these self-reflection questions will provide you with some insight about how your faulty assumptions are contributing to your current thoughts and behaviors.

If you need individual guidance, contact me.