Tag: letting go

Categories
Awareness & Perception

Don’t Let Your Past Dictate Your Future


Have you heard the saying, “there are two sides to every story?” One of my students corrected me the other day. He informed me that there are at least three sides to every story: my side, your side, and the truth. I believe he was right.

Embracing the Story

Our memories are the stories we tell ourselves. These are stories of success and failure. They are stories of connection, compassion, guilt, and fear. Many of us rely on our memories to determine what we deserve to receive and what we are capable of accomplishing.

The way we interpret our stories is important because it can impact how we see ourselves and others. As we look back, we can reinterpret the meaning of our stories from where we are now.

Fictional Stories

It’s interesting to think about how we make memories. We typically believe that the way we experience an event and later recall that event is how it actually happened. Science tells us that’s not true.

Elizabeth Loftus is well-known for her research on false memories. She has learned that false memories are easily planted by asking questions or retelling events in a certain way. Loftus started asking questions with highly emotional words to see if that would change the person’s response. Guess what? It did. She also found out that sometimes counseling unintentionally plants false memories by asking leading questions.

That’s significant for all of us because we have conversations with ourselves about our past. Each time we retell the story, it tends to change slightly. When we tell the story to someone else, we might add a little here or leave out this little part over there. Knowing that we are all human, and prone to these same tendencies, this leads to the conclusion that some of our memories might be false memories. Honestly, I’m starting to believe that part of what we think we remember is fiction.

Interpreting the Story

Remember that everything is filtered through our expectations, previous experiences, and our current state of mind. That means our filters dictate what makes it into awareness and how we understand that information. If you are looking for people to be kind and compassionate, that is what you will tend to find.

It’s as if you have on special glasses that filter out the things you are not looking for and magnify the things you are looking for. Now, this doesn’t mean that everyone suddenly becomes kind and compassionate. What it means is that you are more likely to notice the nice things that people do, rather than focusing on the negative.

Our memories are just the stories we tell ourselves about our lives and how we came to be who we are. In the end, whether the memory is true or false, all of our memories combine to create the story of who we are and how we function in the world.

Editing the Story

That’s good news because it means that you control how you interpret the story of your past and create the story of your future. It’s time to let go of past stories that don’t serve your current and future goals. Sometimes that means you have to learn a lesson from that experience. Maybe it happened to teach you something about yourself or someone else, or about the world in general. Sometimes it means you have to practice forgiveness in order to move on. Whatever you need to do, letting the past hold you back is much worse than facing the past and reinterpreting it from your current position.

Categories
Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

Confirmation Bias: The Power of Our Beliefs

Why take the time to figure out what we believe? Whether we are aware of them or not, our beliefs about a specific area can greatly impact the assumptions that support those beliefs and the values we hold that are based on those beliefs.

Our beliefs guide our thoughts and behaviors. We tend to look for or create situations that support what we believe to be true.

Just think about everyone’s favorite blue donkey, Eeyore. He seemed to always find himself in the worst situations. Do you remember all those times when it only rained on him?

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Sometimes I have all the best intentions but then fall back into an old habit. Usually, that happens when I have an underlying limiting belief about what I can or can’t do. When I think about my assumptions and beliefs, I can begin to see how I could be unconsciously sabotaging my own efforts.

Acknowledging and analyzing beliefs can help us figure out several things. For now, let’s focus on these two:

  • why we aren’t consistently doing the things we want to do
  • why we continue to do things we don’t want to do

Henry Ford said it best when he said, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t. You’re right.” Are there things that you believe you can or can’t do? Maybe you tried something one time and it didn’t go very well. Or maybe you thought about doing something different, but were told that you couldn’t do it. No matter how these limiting beliefs developed, now is a good time to reassess their truth and usefulness.

“Can”s and “Can’t”s: Internalized Beliefs

I have worked with many people who believe they can’t control their eating. They generally think that they are too weak or too emotional to choose the right food for their body. Usually, these limiting beliefs are related to their faulty assumptions about themselves, others, and/or the world.

Through individual coaching, I work with people to acknowledge and analyze their faulty assumptions and limiting beliefs. What I have seen is that people tend to pay attention to experiences that support what they already believe.

Science backs this up with studies about belief perseverance and the confirmation bias. Basically, these studies show that we more easily see things that are in line with our current beliefs.

Think about a time when you were in a really good mood. Maybe you woke up feeling energized, had the perfect cup of coffee, and got to work without struggling or rushing. However you achieved it, you were experiencing a higher than normal level of happiness. You probably noticed more people smiling at you. You might have even seen and taken advantage of additional opportunities that would increase your happiness. Maybe you noticed that the other drivers on the road were much more courteous to you.

Chances are, the external world was just the same as it has always been. The only difference was your perspective, which was based on your current filter of happiness.

This works the same with other things we believe about the world. If we believe that we can’t control our eating behavior, then we will see the world in a way that supports this belief. When we encounter a situation where we are tempted, we will fall back on habitual patterns instead of remembering the reasons we are choosing a different option. If we really believe that we can’t control our eating behavior, we may not even see the other options that are available to us.

If we believe that our current behaviors are protecting us or serving us in some way, we will continue to engage in those behaviors. There is a hidden logic to the way our brains work to protect us from perceived danger. Figuring out how you are unconsciously fulfilling your beliefs can make this hidden logic visible. Once you are aware of these beliefs, you are free to choose whether or not they need to be changed.

Acknowledging Our Beliefs

I believe that we can all choose to do things that are good for us. Acknowledging our beliefs is a good place to start. Once we know what we believe, we can test to see if those beliefs are true and helpful. We can also try out new beliefs that might be more productive.

Learning to let go of limiting beliefs is one of the keys to making positive changes and maintaining our motivation when it gets hard. If you want to explore your limiting beliefs, pick one thing that is not working well and explore your beliefs in that area. Watch your thoughts and behaviors in that specific area of your life.

These self-reflection questions are similar to the questions about faulty assumptions. The main difference is that we are now focusing on what you believe to be true, rather than what you assume that you, others, or the world should be or do. Beliefs are generally based on assumptions.

If you want to explore your limiting beliefs, ask yourself these questions:

  • Are there any patterns in my language that demonstrate what I believe? What do I repeatedly say to myself? What do I repeatedly say to others?
  • What are my “can”s, and “can’t”s?
  • Are these beliefs always true?
  • Are these beliefs currently helpful and productive?
  • What assumptions are holding up these beliefs? Are these assumptions still true, helpful, and productive?
  • Is there one belief that I could shift to something more helpful and productive?
  • What can I try over the next week that might allow me to see beyond my limiting beliefs?

Hopefully, these self-reflection questions will provide some insight about how limiting beliefs (and the underlying assumptions) contribute to our thoughts and behaviors.

Categories
Awareness & Perception Mindfulness & Peacefulness

Being Gentle with Emotions

Is “sangry” a word? It depends on who you ask. My Gordon students and I decided that if “hangry” could be an adjective and “Google” could be a verb, then “sangry” should have a place at the table too. 

I needed this word a few days ago. I just could not figure out how I felt about a situation. Sometimes I witness situations that leave me feeling confused. This was one of those situations. Eventually, I decided that I was both sad and angry. 

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CDC and ACEs

A few years ago, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) studied the impact of adverse childhood events (ACEs) on health. So, what are these ACEs? In short, ACEs are traumatic events. The CDC looked at instances of physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, parental divorce, parental mental health, parental substance abuse, and parental incarceration. I think we could all agree that those would be considered traumatic events. Unfortunately, they are all too common.

Think about your own past. How many ACEs do you think you experienced growing up? If you are a teacher, think about the things that some of your more challenging students have experienced. Chances are, the ones who are the most difficult have experienced the most trauma through exposure to ACEs.

The CDC found that more than half of their sample experienced at least one ACE. Almost 25% had experienced three or more ACEs. They also found that people who experienced more ACEs also had more obesity, mental health issues, smoking, heart disease, liver disease, suicide attempts, and more.

ACEs and Thinking

When we are constantly exposed to traumatic experiences, our brains learn to operate in survival mode. Our amygdala is the part of the brain that is naturally alert to any sign of danger, but trauma exaggerates this natural protection response.

Think about the last time you were watching a scary movie. If someone touched you on your shoulder or knocked on the door, you probably jumped, or maybe you even screamed. Now, imagine if you walked around in that hyper-alert state all the time. That would make life a little more challenging, wouldn’t it?

Another challenge with operating in survival mode is that it diverts brain energy away from the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain that we use to think through things, plan our responses, monitor our behaviors, and delay gratification.

All of these functions are necessary to be successful in our daily lives. Unfortunately, when we are hijacked by the amygdala, our brains have a hard time doing anything besides focusing on keeping us safe and alive.

A Gentle Response

Knowing all this, how do we respond to people who are suffering from the effects of trauma or ACEs? Approaching the situation with gentleness seems like a good start.

Think about the last time you were upset, I mean really upset. Maybe you were very angry or frustrated or just extremely overwhelmed. Were you able to think rationally? Were you able to process the “if, then” statements or rational justifications from the people around you? Probably not. Most likely, you needed compassion first.

Being gentle with someone who is upset takes patience and compassion. In order to do this, we have to be able to take a step back and see the situation from their perspective. That’s not always easy to do, especially in the busyness of daily life. It can help to remember that they are probably confused, afraid, and extremely stressed.

Once the person is calm, then they can understand more rational logic. That’s when they can think about their actions and the consequences. While they are still upset, the only thing they can do is attempt to protect themselves, in whatever way they have learned. By balancing compassion and consequences, we can begin to help people move forward in a more resourceful manner.

So, from my perspective, my first goal when working with someone who is upset is to help them calm down. I will get on their level and ask them to breathe with me. I might even gently touch their hand or shoulder. I will definitely make sure my facial expression and tone of voice demonstrate compassion. Once they can think and speak clearly, I will use those fabulous active listening strategies. It takes a little extra effort to engage this way, but it’s worth it in the end.

 

 

Categories
Thoughts on Change

Standing in Our Own Way

Sometimes things seem to spin out of control. But then, sometimes things seem to spin in perfect harmony. How do I (my perspective and my response) play a part in the outcome? It seems that we have much more control over how we interact with the world than most of us would like to admit. In fact, many times we are standing in the way of our own progress and happiness.

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Knowing What We Control

At work, many people come to me with concerns about situations that they (nor I) have much control over. What do I do? Well, as a good school psychologist and adult educator, I listen. I ask good questions to help them think through various aspects of the situation. Then, I wait for them to realize which part of the situation they can do something about.

Typically, the people I work with come up with brilliant ideas about how they can improve their part of the situation. The place they often get stuck is trying to get other people to change or do things their way. I’m guilty of this too. It’s just easier to see it in other people.

Changing What We Can

This means that we know which parts of a situation are within our control. It also means being able to clearly see how we are keeping ourselves from making positive changes. Sometimes we get stuck thinking about “what if…” or “yes, but…” and talk ourselves out of making changes.

There are psychologically based reasons that we do this. We could talk about cognitive dissonance, where our brains create weird equations to help us balance our beliefs and actions (including words). Or we could talk about the immunity to change where we unconsciously sabotage our change efforts in an attempt to protect ourselves from something.

Either way, we have to recognize and acknowledge what is standing between our current behavior and the change we know we need to make.

Letting Go Of The Rest

Once we recognize what we can control and figure out how we are standing in our own way, then we are free to come up with some logical next steps for our own personal change goal. We are still committed to correcting the situation by doing what we can do.

When we fully own our part we can let go of the desire to change others or get them to do things our way. We can free ourselves from the pressure to “save” the world.

The Dynamic Balance

Maybe it’s just me, but I would like to see everyone live a life that is happy, free, and balanced. But, that’s not the case for everyone, for many, many reasons. At this point in my life, I am honored to share what I know with those who want to make positive changes in their lives.

For those who want to keep spinning in circles, that’s their choice. The fact that there is a better way to live life is what gets me out of bed in the morning. It’s the reason I go to work every day. And, it’s the reason I continually remind myself that those who do not want to grow and change are not the people I am here to serve.

Please Share and Comment

Do you ever find yourself standing in your own way? Do you ever feel like you keep going in circles around the same problems? What benefit are you getting from repeating these same patterns? How do you get out of your own way?