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Guided Meditation Mindfulness & Peacefulness

Guided Meditation: Progressive Muscle Relaxation

When I teach yoga, I always end the practice with progressive muscle relaxation. People usually love progressive muscle relaxation, even if they have a hard time with other forms of meditation.

This technique is so powerful that one of the softball players asked me to come home with her and do this every night as she’s going to bed. I couldn’t do that, but I can offer you this guided meditation.

Progressive muscle relaxation is good to use when your mind is so active that you just can’t focus on breathing. It also works as a nightly routine, especially if you have trouble sleeping.

After you practice this a few times, you will become more aware of the connection between your mind and body. Then you will be able to notice when you are tense and begin to relax on your own.

This technique is so simple, and I’m sure you can learn to do it. I hope you enjoy it!

 

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Awareness & Perception

Work for the Cause, Not the Applause

Do you ever feel overworked, underpaid, or underappreciated? Most people have felt this way at one time or another. I have heard people describe it as swimming upstream, fighting a losing battle, chasing their tail, or running on fumes. These different ways of understanding our current reality can reveal a lot about our underlying values and current perspective.

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Our Perspective

If I were to ask you to think about an area of your life where you feel overworked or underappreciated, which area would it be? Would it be work, home, church, school, or friendships? Thinking about this area, what are your specific complaints?

Maybe you feel like you put in more effort than others. Maybe you believe that you are worth more than you currently receive. Maybe you think that people should recognize what you do and praise you for your contribution. These thoughts could be based on your assumptions about what others should be doing.

I can agree that it is difficult to keep putting forth your best effort when you don’t feel like others value your contribution. It would be nice if everyone put in the same amount of effort, received appropriate compensation for the value they contribute, and felt appreciated in all areas of life.

However, the truth is that we live in the real world. Things are not always going to be fair. Other people have their own perspectives and see the world through their own filters of assumptions, beliefs, and values.

Our Values

The more important factor here is that we can only control ourselves. Trying to convince people to change is typically a waste of time and energy. We have all heard the saying, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” Horses can be stubborn, but so can people.

So, how do we reconcile this situation? Like always, we focus on what we can change. If we step back from the situation, we can figure out our values in this specific area of life. Why are we doing what we are doing? Why do we keep going to work and putting forth our best effort? Why do we keep cleaning up the house, knowing it will be messy again tomorrow?

Is this something we really want to keep doing? Let’s be honest, sometimes we really are overworked and underappreciated. Maybe it’s time to step back and let someone else carry the load for a little while.

Align Our Values and Actions

Hopefully, we do these things for a reason that is bigger than applause or money. If we can see that our efforts are based on our values (not some external reward), then it becomes much easier to keep going. Knowing how to realign our values and shift our perspective can help us feel a little better about these situations.

I don’t know about you, but I do what I do because it aligns with my values. If my actions didn’t align with my values, I would consider finding something else to do with my time and energy.

However, there are times when I begin to feel overworked and underappreciated. When this happens, I remind myself of the reasons why I do what I do. For those who are interested, here are my beliefs, as I currently understand them.

  • I believe that it is important to give to others, based on what I have been given.
  • I believe that self-knowledge gives us greater flexibility.
  • I believe that awareness brings more opportunities for choice.
  • I believe that people make the best decisions they can make, based on their past experiences and future goals.
  • I believe that we are all more powerful than we realize.

 

 

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Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

When you assume, you make…

When you assume, you make…

We all know how that statement usually ends, but do you know why assumptions are so important to our daily lives? The assumptions we hold about ourselves, others, and the world can make or break our efforts to live an authentic life and be the best version of ourselves that we can be. These assumptions also serve as the support structure for our beliefs and values. Starting with our assumptions, we can effectively shift our beliefs and values to more successfully support our goals.

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Have you ever asked yourself why you keep doing things that don’t move you in the direction of your goals? Sometimes I find myself stuck in a cycle of thinking about what I should or shouldn’t be thinking or doing. Or worse, thinking about what others should or shouldn’t be doing. This may seem like a productive thing to do, but it actually drains all of the energy that I could be using to create the outcomes I want.

There are ways to keep moving in a positive direction, starting with understanding our faulty assumptions. Once we understand ourselves a little more, we can more easily choose to see things differently and respond in a more helpful, productive way.

“Should”s and “Shouldn’t”s: Faulty Assumptions 

Our past experiences help us develop assumptions about ourselves, others, and the world in general. Some of these assumptions are adaptive and helpful. For instance, many people have learned that they should get up and go to work each day. That is helpful because (in the best situations) work makes you feel good about your contribution to the world, encourages personal growth, and allows you to pay your bills. Other assumptions are not as helpful and actually keep us stuck in dysfunctional thought processes.

Media Messages

For example, let’s think about the media messages regarding what it means to be a woman in today’s world. We are taught that women should be beautiful (but make it look effortless), submissive (but be able to stand on our own), smart (but not smarter than others), compassionate (but hold ourselves to a standard of perfection), and employed (but also take care of the family and home). It is almost impossible to balance all of these shoulds and maintain any sense of being centered and calm, much less live from a place that feels authentic.

I am sure there are plenty of other shoulds that our young women today have internalized from the popular culture. You can probably think of a much longer list than this one. For example, my daughter “should” be a straight “A” student and a superstar athlete.

If like my daughter, you have tried to master several domains, you are aware of how difficult it can be to give 100% in every area of life. Learning who we are, living from our authentic self, and practicing self-compassion can help keep things in balance.

I don’t mean to leave out the men. I know they receive cultural messages and have internalized faulty assumptions too. If you are male or have important men in your life, you can probably recognize some of the shoulds that they are expected to uphold…men should be strong (but also sensitive), hardworking (but also available for the family), independent (but just needy enough to build relationships), and powerful (but also protective of others). Again, this balance is almost impossible without a stable base of self-knowledge from which to live an authentic life.

Family and Friends

These media messages aren’t the only place (or even the first place) where we learn cultural standards that can lead to faulty assumptions. We can also internalize them from our family and friends.

Some of these assumptions come from things we learned during our childhood. During the first few years of life, we are dependent on our parents for everything. Our parents are responsible for keeping us alive and teaching us how to interact with the world.

If we have parents who are responsive and caring, we tend to learn that the world is a safe place where our needs can be met. If on the other hand, we have parents who are abusive or neglectful, then we tend to learn that the world is not a safe place. We may even come to believe that we have to always keep our guard up or that everyone is out to get us.

I know that some psychologists have been criticized for blaming everything on parents, but there is no way around the fact that our parents are the primary influence during our early development. In fact, childhood trauma is highly correlated with mental health and physical health, even into adulthood.

I am not saying that we can blame all of our bad habits on our parents. What I am saying is that when we can recognize these influences, then we can take responsibility for our current thoughts and behaviors.

Moving beyond the early influence of parents, we also learn some of our assumptions from interacting with our friends and acquaintances.

Think about a time when you received praise for doing something well or achieving a major goal. Maybe you spent a lot of time and effort working on your physical beauty through eating healthy and exercising. If you were repeatedly praised for these improvements, you may have internalized the message that you should be beautiful or thin in order to be worthy of love (or praise, or admiration, or acceptance, etc.).

Testing Our Assumptions

Basing our worth on fulfilling faulty assumptions is a dangerous way to live. It’s also a very tentative way of understanding our place in the world. Without self-knowledge, we are floating in the wind, going whichever way the winds of life blow us. We are left without a stable base from which to interact with the world.

Exploring our assumptions is a good way to gain self-knowledge. If you want to explore your faulty assumptions, try watching your thought patterns and habitual behaviors in a specific area of your life. Pick one area that is not working well and explore your assumptions in that area. Ask yourself these questions:

  • What messages have I received from the media about this area of life?
  • What are my “should”s and “shouldn’t”s about myself, others, and the world?
  • Complete this statement: In order to be worthy, I should…
  • Complete this statement: In order to be worthy, I shouldn’t…
  • What childhood experiences might be related to these faulty assumptions?
  • Were there times in my life where these assumptions were helpful or protective?
  • Are there any patterns in my language that could reveal my assumptions? What do I repeatedly say to myself? What do I repeatedly say to others?
  • Are these assumptions always true?
  • Have there been times when I didn’t follow these assumptions? How did it work out?

Hopefully, these self-reflection questions will provide you with some insight about how your faulty assumptions are contributing to your current thoughts and behaviors.

If you need individual guidance, contact me.

Categories
Awareness & Perception Mindfulness & Peacefulness

Being Gentle with Emotions

Is “sangry” a word? It depends on who you ask. My Gordon students and I decided that if “hangry” could be an adjective and “Google” could be a verb, then “sangry” should have a place at the table too. 

I needed this word a few days ago. I just could not figure out how I felt about a situation. Sometimes I witness situations that leave me feeling confused. This was one of those situations. Eventually, I decided that I was both sad and angry. 

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CDC and ACEs

A few years ago, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) studied the impact of adverse childhood events (ACEs) on health. So, what are these ACEs? In short, ACEs are traumatic events. The CDC looked at instances of physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, parental divorce, parental mental health, parental substance abuse, and parental incarceration. I think we could all agree that those would be considered traumatic events. Unfortunately, they are all too common.

Think about your own past. How many ACEs do you think you experienced growing up? If you are a teacher, think about the things that some of your more challenging students have experienced. Chances are, the ones who are the most difficult have experienced the most trauma through exposure to ACEs.

The CDC found that more than half of their sample experienced at least one ACE. Almost 25% had experienced three or more ACEs. They also found that people who experienced more ACEs also had more obesity, mental health issues, smoking, heart disease, liver disease, suicide attempts, and more.

ACEs and Thinking

When we are constantly exposed to traumatic experiences, our brains learn to operate in survival mode. Our amygdala is the part of the brain that is naturally alert to any sign of danger, but trauma exaggerates this natural protection response.

Think about the last time you were watching a scary movie. If someone touched you on your shoulder or knocked on the door, you probably jumped, or maybe you even screamed. Now, imagine if you walked around in that hyper-alert state all the time. That would make life a little more challenging, wouldn’t it?

Another challenge with operating in survival mode is that it diverts brain energy away from the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain that we use to think through things, plan our responses, monitor our behaviors, and delay gratification.

All of these functions are necessary to be successful in our daily lives. Unfortunately, when we are hijacked by the amygdala, our brains have a hard time doing anything besides focusing on keeping us safe and alive.

A Gentle Response

Knowing all this, how do we respond to people who are suffering from the effects of trauma or ACEs? Approaching the situation with gentleness seems like a good start.

Think about the last time you were upset, I mean really upset. Maybe you were very angry or frustrated or just extremely overwhelmed. Were you able to think rationally? Were you able to process the “if, then” statements or rational justifications from the people around you? Probably not. Most likely, you needed compassion first.

Being gentle with someone who is upset takes patience and compassion. In order to do this, we have to be able to take a step back and see the situation from their perspective. That’s not always easy to do, especially in the busyness of daily life. It can help to remember that they are probably confused, afraid, and extremely stressed.

Once the person is calm, then they can understand more rational logic. That’s when they can think about their actions and the consequences. While they are still upset, the only thing they can do is attempt to protect themselves, in whatever way they have learned. By balancing compassion and consequences, we can begin to help people move forward in a more resourceful manner.

So, from my perspective, my first goal when working with someone who is upset is to help them calm down. I will get on their level and ask them to breathe with me. I might even gently touch their hand or shoulder. I will definitely make sure my facial expression and tone of voice demonstrate compassion. Once they can think and speak clearly, I will use those fabulous active listening strategies. It takes a little extra effort to engage this way, but it’s worth it in the end.

 

 

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Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

Dynamic Values: Figuring Out What You Want

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It’s pretty easy to set a goal. There are strategies for how to set the best kind of SMART goals. There are even techniques for monitoring your progress. The hard part seems to be staying on track after the initial excitement and motivation wear off.

Linking Values and Goals

Figuring out what you really want can help you keep moving in the right direction. In my opinion, the best way to set a goal is to ask yourself why you want that outcome in the first place. For example, I could say that my goal is to meditate daily for 10 minutes for the next 30 days. Here’s how the internal dialogue would go…

Well, why do I want that? I want to relieve stress.

And, what would that do for me? I would be happier and more peaceful.

Why do I want to be happier and more peaceful? I want to show up as the best version of myself.

And, what is important about being the best version of me? I want to offer my best to those around me.

So, there we have it. The true value behind my goal is a combination of authenticity and contribution. Thinking about these values, I can agree that these are two of my core values. It is very important to me to live in accordance with who I truly am and to give something positive to those around me.

Living Your Values

Knowing why I really want to meditate can encourage me to do it, even when I might not feel like I have time. Linking your core values to your goals is one of the keys to maintaining motivation toward achieving your goals. You could even try writing your goals in a way that includes your values. For instance, I could say, “I will meditate 10 minutes a day because I value authenticity and contribution.”

Acknowledging my core values could also give me some other ideas about small changes that I could make to more fully live in accordance with these values. In fact, these values are part of the reason that I decided to write a blog. There are plenty of other ways to live out these core values.

So far, I have found that the more I live in accordance with my values, the happier and more fulfilled I feel. This is one of the strategies I used when trying to work through my weight loss journey.

Finding Your Values

There are tons of values inventories available online. Most of them encourage you to identify your core values for life in general. In working with people, it seems that their values are different in each area of life. If you are interested in exploring your values, I suggest starting with one area of your life. To ease into this, you could start with the area that is working well.

If you are the happiest and most fulfilled in your home life, think about what is important to you about your home life. What do you value the most in that setting or those relationships? Ask the “why” questions a couple of times until you get down to something that feels like a core value, which usually lies deep below the surface of your first stated value.

You could also do this same process for an area that is not working well. For instance, maybe your personal growth has stalled or your health is suffering. Thinking about what is important to you in these areas could reveal that you are not living in alignment with your core values. It could also provide you with small changes you could make to improve these areas of your life.

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Thoughts on Change

Do your routines have you stuck in a rut?

What is the difference between a routine and a rut? From my perspective, a routine is a productive way to accomplish a common task. The word rut brings up feelings of being stuck in an unproductive habit. The good news is that we can use our knowledge of routines to figure out how to get out of a rut.

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Productive Routines

A routine can be thought of as a standard procedure or practice that is done on a regular basis. Think of your morning routine. What sounds or sights do you wake up to in the morning? What is the first thing you do after you open your eyes? You could go through the entire sequence of your morning step-by-step because it is most likely an unconscious set of programmed, sequenced actions.

There can be great value in having productive routines. For many of us, the morning routine has been refined to the point that it serves as a seamless way to get the family out the door without much hassle. Without our morning routine, my family might not make it to school on time. Even if we did make it on time, we would most likely not be in the most resourceful mental state.

Sometimes the routine doesn’t work. Maybe there was an extra early morning meeting that shifted our schedule back a few minutes. Or maybe one of the children forgot to do their homework the night before. In any case, when the routine is off, the day can start off a little rough. Recognizing this disruption in our routine and working together to get back on track can stop the cycle before things get worse.

If you can, take a minute to think through your morning routine. Are there things that might need to be shifted to make your morning a little more pleasant? Would getting up a few minutes earlier help you get your day started off on the right track? With a little attention and awareness, you can figure out how your routines may need to be shifted.

You can apply this same idea to any other routines you engage in throughout the day. Maybe you have a routine around entering your workplace, eating or not eating lunch, accomplishing your work tasks, going grocery shopping, or going to bed at night. Anything that you do on a fairly regular basis is accomplished by unconsciously activating the routine you have taught yourself for that task.

Unproductive Ruts

Habits can also be thought of as routines, but typically they feel more like ruts. What’s the difference between a routine and a rut? According to dictionary.com, a rut is a habit or pattern of behavior that has become dull and unproductive but is hard to change. That sounds about right to me.

When you repeatedly respond to situations in the same way, then you have taught yourself a routine. You can break this routine down in the same way that you broke down the steps in your morning routine. Just start with the habit and work backward. Ask yourself, what happened before I did that? Keep going until you can figure out your routine or unconscious procedure for getting to engaging in the habit.

For example, if you have a habit of getting angry when someone cuts you off in traffic, you can work backward to figure out how you actually manage to get angry. Something happens before you yell or blow the horn. What is that process for you? Visualize that person cutting you off. What do you see, hear, and feel? What comes first, the thought that you are going to yell at this person or the act of yelling? Do you feel anything in your body? Do you feel any tension in your shoulders, chest, or stomach? Can you notice a place in the routine where you could make a different choice? Knowing your own routine for getting upset in traffic gives you the choice of whether or not you want to continue that routine or change it.

Getting Out of the Rut

This process works with road rage, but it also works with other habits too. Think about a simple habit that you want to change. Imagine yourself engaging in that habit. See, hear, and feel what is happening when you engage in that habit that you think you want to change. Also, notice the consequences of that habit.

Mentally take yourself back in time a few minutes and play the scene leading up to engaging in that habit. See, hear, and feel what is happening around you and in your mind and body in the minutes before. Notice if there are any places in your routine where you can make a slight shift or insert a pause.

Mentally rehearse the modified routine a couple of times to see if maybe you can come up with a different outcome to your unproductive routine. The next time you are in that situation, see if you come up with a different response. Just noticing the unproductive routine and taking a brief pause is a good start.

Changing a long-standing pattern of behavior takes time. Be patient with yourself. Accept that some days will be better than others. It’s important to know that what you do does not define who you are. Recognizing what you need and accepting yourself where you are might be all you need to do right now.

 

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Balanced Nutrition

How Did You Lose All That Weight? Pt. 2 – Balanced Nutrition

Did you know that successful weight loss is primarily a result of what you eat? I used to think that exercise was the key, but I was wrong. I’m not saying that we don’t need to exercise. In fact, balanced exercise is vital to overall health. What I am saying is that it is extremely hard, if not impossible, to exercise enough to work off a habit of making unhealthy food choices. Not to mention the fact that when you eat junk you don’t really have the energy to exercise.

If you didn’t read Part 1 of this series, it would probably be in your best interest to read that one first. It covers the importance of our beliefs about food, exercise, and health. Without understanding your beliefs, any behavior change is likely to fail.

According to Robert Kegan’s research, and my experience, we will unconsciously sabotage our own efforts to prove that our underlying beliefs are correct. So, it’s best to figure out why you are doing something before you try to change it.

Keep It Simple

One of my favorite food journalists is Michael Pollan. In The Omnivore’s Dilemma, he offers three guidelines for eating: “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.” He goes on to provide a filter through which we can consider our food choices: “Don’t eat anything your great-grandmother wouldn’t recognize as food.” That seems pretty simple until you try to put it into practice.

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So, what does this mean in today’s fast-paced, microwaved, super-sized world? It means that if we are going to eat healthy foods that nourish our body, mind, and spirit, we need to take a step back.  In order to make healthy food choices, we need to allow ourselves the mental space and time to consider what our bodies really need. You may even need to start planning and preparing your meals in advance.

For those who are interested, my daily eating habits typically include Bulletproof coffee (with butter and MCT oil), vegetables, meat, nuts, and a little fruit. That’s about it. I still enjoy eating out occasionally, but I try to stick with low-carb options.

If you are trying to lose weight, I suggest that you temporarily reduce the amount of fruit. If you do eat fruit, then stick with berries.

Experiment and Personalize

Figure out what works for your body. There is no “one-size-fits-all” eating plan. Here are some general areas to consider when you begin to experiment with your own eating style.

Macronutrient Ratios

This refers to the balance between carbohydrates, protein, and fat. The basic advice you will usually receive is to eat 45-65% of your calories in carbohydrates, 10-35% in protein, and 20-35% in fat. That might work for you, but it did not work for me.

I found that I could easily lose weight if my carbohydrate intake was less than 75 grams per day. For me,  that is typically 20-25% of my daily calories. I discovered this by systematically adjusting my diet and tracking my weight to see how different ratios impacted weight loss or gain. At one point, I started adding more carbohydrates to stop losing weight!

Over the years, I have discovered that many people lose weight on a lower carbohydrate diet. This does not mean that you should eat 75 grams of carbohydrates per day. What it does mean is that you should begin to track your food intake and weight to see what your body needs.

Inflammatory Foods

There have been studies linking chronic inflammation to diabetes, obesity, heart disease, and mental health conditions, among other problems. If you can avoid foods that lead to inflammation, it makes sense to do that for your weight as well as your overall health.

Some common inflammatory foods are sugar, vegetable-based cooking oils, trans fats, alcohol, dairy, and refined grains. Many people respond negatively to these foods, but there are also individual food sensitivities and allergies to consider.

For instance, I am sensitive to gluten. When I eat food containing gluten I wake up the next day with puffy eyes, swollen hands, and a stuffy nose. Time and time again, this is what I have found.

Do you know what foods you are sensitive to? Tracking your food and watching your responses is a great way to learn more about the right foods for your body. If you want a more stringent strategy, you might try a 30-day elimination diet.

Timing of Meals

There has been a lot of advice in the media about eating several small meals a day or only eating during a certain window of time (intermittent fasting). I’m not here to tell you that either one is better. From what I have seen, both strategies (as well as the traditional three meals a day) can work.

The main thing to consider is whether or not you are actually hungry. If you are hungry, then you should eat something. The tricky part is knowing if you are hungry. Before you decide to eat something, just take a minute to check in with yourself. If you decide that you are hungry, think about what you really want to eat rather than just grabbing something convenient.

It is also important to stop eating when you are full. Eat a little more slowly so that you can notice when the food no longer tastes amazing. Or maybe you can even notice the beginning sensations of food entering your stomach. In order to do these things, you have to begin paying attention to the signals that your body is sending you.

Technology Can Help

There are several technology tools that we can use to keep us on track. Here are a few of my favorites:

  • MyFitnessPal: Many people use this simple app to track what they eat. I also use it to track my weight. It will allow you to print a graph of your weight and macronutrients over a certain period of time. This function allowed me to figure out the right macronutrient ratio for my body.
  • GymPact: This app serves as an accountability partner. You set your weekly goals for getting exercise, logging food, and eating vegetables. If you reach your goals, you get paid. If you fail to reach your goals, you have to pay. We are talking about real money here.  I use this on and off, just to keep myself accountable.
  • Fitbit: My favorite feature is the sleep tracking function. It has helped me figure out how much sleep I need to feel my best. Sleep is another one of those factors that can make or break your weight loss efforts, so it’s pretty important.

Please Share and Comment

Of course, this post is a little long. It is one of my favorite subjects and there is so much more that could be added. I hope this has been beneficial. Try some of the strategies for personalizing your own diet. Remember to document what you are doing and track your progress. That is the only way to know if it is working for you.

As always, let me know how it goes.

 

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Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

How Did You Lose All That Weight? Pt. 1 – Dynamic Beliefs

At least once a week, someone asks me how I lost so much weight. Just to be clear, I lost about 40 pounds over the course of a couple of months. Once I explain that I lost the weight over two years ago, they naturally want to know how I kept it off. These are usually quick conversations. I try to share the most relevant piece of the story for that person at that moment.

Losing 40 pounds may not seem like a lot to some people, but for me, the journey changed the way I see myself and the world around me. The next couple of posts will summarize my weight loss journey; however, I have to warn you, it was not an easy process until I found the right keys for me.

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My Beliefs About Weight

When you want to make any change, it is a good idea to decide what you believe about that thing. In general, we do things because they line up with our beliefs, whether we know it or not. Our beliefs and resulting behaviors typically function to protect us from something we don’t want or to help us get something we do want.

If you are trying to make a change, you will want to explore your beliefs and figure out how you benefit from that behavior. In my case, I believed that being overweight would protect me from unwanted male attention. If I wanted to justify my behavior, I could find many good reasons that this belief was protective. It took me a long time to realize that this was the major underlying belief that was sabotaging my efforts to lose weight.

Of course, there are other beliefs about weight, eating behavior, and health. For instance, some families value eating big meals together. If you show up for family dinner and only eat a few things, some family members may get offended. In an effort to be polite, we may eat for social reasons rather than health reasons.

I also believed that I could exercise enough to “work off” the consequences of bad food choices. Through education and experimentation, I learned that this is not true. Another dysfunctional belief was that low-fat foods were good for me. Wow, was I wrong!

The saddest belief was that I could motivate myself to “do right” by berating myself when I fell short of my desired goals or behaviors. That ended up putting me in a state of mind where I didn’t even want to try anymore. This self-criticism further eroded my self-image, specifically my body-image, making it easier to make excuses than to look for solutions. If this happens to you, check out the post about self-compassion.

There are also emotional reasons that people make unhealthy food choices. That was not necessarily one of my beliefs around food, but it is for many people. My closest example of this is that I find myself wanting high-carb foods when I am tired. I still believe that a quick hit of sugar will give me a brief burst of energy; however, I also know that there are consequences. In the moment, I might not have the mental energy to weigh the pros and cons of the inevitable consequences of the sugar crash.

Changing My Beliefs

After “yo-yo dieting” for my entire life, I finally found the work of Robert Kegan. I have written about his work before in the context of balancing challenge and support. In addition to that aspect of adult development, he also studies why we fail to make the changes we say we want to make. He has a name for this natural tendency: Immunity to Change.

The basic idea behind it is that we have hidden, competing beliefs or commitments that work against our expressed goal. These hidden beliefs, once brought to the light, perfectly explain the behaviors we engage in that sabotage our effort to change. I will write more about working through the Immunity to Change later, but for now, you can check out his website: Minds At Work.

In doing this work, I found that I no longer needed to hold on to extra weight to protect myself. I was able to reframe that belief in the context of my current life circumstances, skills, and abilities.

I also found that I didn’t really want to “lose weight.” What I really wanted was to “gain health.” That’s a powerful difference. It helped me because my previous weight loss efforts were focused on pushing away things I didn’t want. This new focus allowed me to explore and pursue what I really did want.

Assessing Your Own Beliefs

Once you do the work, you may find that you have different beliefs behind your behaviors around eating, exercise, and health. Whatever those beliefs are, it is important that you acknowledge and accept that they are your beliefs. You might even need to practice some self-compassion regarding the fact that you even have those beliefs in the first place.

A more simple version of the Immunity to Change process involves simply exploring the pros and cons of your current and desired behaviors. I am attaching a simple worksheet that will guide you through assessing your own inner conflict about making a change. You are welcome to print it out and ask yourself these questions. Balancing Pros and Cons

Knowing your beliefs is a great first step. Once you can find awareness, acknowledgment, and acceptance of these beliefs, you are in a good position to explore whether or not they are still true. They might be true. It is more likely that they are outdated and more extreme than what is necessary for your current life.

If you want to test your beliefs, just try doing the opposite. For me, I tested the belief that I need high-carb foods when I’m tired. I tried just avoiding that temptation by distracting myself. I tried replacing the high-carb food with a high-fat or high-protein snack. I also tried a brief meditation or short walk instead of the high-carb food. In my case, all of those turned out to be better options than letting my outdated belief guide my behavior.

There is much more to this story, but I’ve been told that my blogs tend to get a little long. In an effort to honor your time and attention, I will save the rest for later. Those who know me personally, know that I love to talk about nutrition, exercise, and sleep. In fact, I could talk about those things all day if someone would listen.

In the meantime, check out your own beliefs around food, exercise, and health. Try to work with one specific problematic behavior at a time. Ask yourself the questions on the Balancing Pros and Cons worksheet. Don’t rush to an answer. Ask the question, take a couple of deep breaths, and see what comes up.

Let me know how it goes.

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Mindfulness & Peacefulness Thoughts on Change

We all Miss the Mark

Do you know anyone who constantly criticizes themselves for not being perfect? You know, that person who always has to do everything right. If they make one mistake, they spend the next few days beating themselves up. I used to be one of those people. I began to realize that perfect was unattainable when I started teaching yoga. In fact, I still can’t do a headstand. But, practicing the headstand taught me that it was ok to fall and get back up again.

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I’ve been reading some research articles by Dr. Kristin Neff. She has spent her career studying self-compassion. You can find a free self-compassion test on her website. This post is my attempt to summarize her ideas and provide some practical tips.

Self-compassion is understood to have three components: an awareness of personal suffering, the recognition that we are all human, and the ability to offer comfort to ourselves. If you are self-critical, tend to get stuck in fear of failure, relive bad decisions that you made, or have thoughts about never being enough, the practice of self-compassion might be just what you need.

We all Experience Suffering

In my opinion, the first step is the hardest. For some reason, we tend to think that beating ourselves up will motivate us to do better next time. This is simply not true. In fact, it actually creates an extra barrier to our progress.

In order to experience self-compassion, we have to recognize that we are suffering and in need of compassion. Many times we fall short of our ideals, fail to reach our goals, or somehow miss the mark. Instead of recognizing that we are suffering, we begin to criticize ourselves.

You may not even recognize this self-criticism because it seems like such a natural thing to do. It might include things like, “I can’t believe I…,” “I shouldn’t have…, “I can’t ever…,” or “I always….” You might even find yourself repeatedly reliving the event or situation in your mind.

If you’ve been meditating and developed a basic level of mindfulness, you might catch this negative self-talk before it gets any worse. If not, you might end up saying things to yourself that you would never say to your worst enemy.

We are all Human

Once you can identify that you are suffering, then you have a choice of how to respond. You can choose to focus on your own suffering, believing that you are the only person in the world who has experienced this problem or you can choose a different perspective.

You can remind yourself that other people have experienced this before. In fact, other people are probably going through a similar problem right now. We are all flawed humans. No one is perfect. No matter what the outside image portrays, everyone faces challenges.

We all Deserve Compassion

Being compassionate toward others seems so easy. We see a person suffering, we recognize their pain, and we have some desire to relieve it. The sad truth is that many people who offer compassion to others fail to offer that same compassion to themselves.

Being compassionate towards ourselves is a very different story. For some reason, we seem to hold ourselves to a higher standard than we hold other people. If a friend makes a mistake, we offer understanding, comfort, and encouragement. Wouldn’t it be great if we could offer those same things to ourselves?

It’s really very simple. Just think of yourself as you would think of someone you love. Shift your self-talk from criticizing to comforting. Admit that you are suffering. Acknowledge the hurt, stress, discomfort, fear, pain, anger, etc. Whatever the emotion is, acknowledge it. Name it and feel it. Sit with the emotion instead of running from it or blaming someone else.

Once you can acknowledge and accept the emotion, then you are ready to offer yourself some love. Tell yourself that you are human. Remind yourself that we all make mistakes. Check in with yourself and ask what you need right now. Encourage yourself to try again. You could even put your hands over your heart or give yourself a hug.

The emotional freedom technique (EFT), created by Gary Craig, also helps to encourage self-compassion. It always begins with some version of this statement: “Even though I have this (pain, emotion, memory), I deeply and completely accept myself.”

Benefits of Self-Compassion

Having compassion for yourself will not erase the past or remove the natural consequences of your actions. What it will do is relieve you of the extra burden of continuing to punish yourself.

Self-compassion is related to increased life satisfaction, motivation, and happiness. It is also related to decreased stress, depression, and perfectionism. Those sound like worthy outcomes to me. It seems like it would make sense to practice self-compassion the next time we miss the mark.

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Mindfulness & Peacefulness

Balancing Self-Care and Serving Others

Anytime you fly on an airplane, you hear the same safety speech from the flight attendants. During one part of the message, the flight attendant tells you that in the event of an emergency you are to put your own oxygen mask on first. If you think about it in the context of daily life, that’s a pretty profound lesson.

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Sometimes we get so busy giving to others, or just getting through the to-do list, that we forget to take care of ourselves. You know you’re not practicing good self-care when you are starting to feel symptoms of burnout.

You might have a sense that the things that were good in the past just aren’t right anymore. You might also have the feeling that you are being used or that people just take from you all the time. Those things may be true, but they could also be signs that you are not taking good care of yourself.

Another thing that happens to some people is that they start to overreact to small inconveniences. Many people actually develop physical illnesses when they are not practicing good self-care. The great news is that you have the ability to recognize and change this pattern of behavior.

Beliefs About Self-Care

Your beliefs about self-care matter much more than you might think. If we can understand the beliefs and values behind our actions, then it becomes much easier to make the changes that we need to make.

The scary part is that most of us don’t actually know what we believe about self-care because we have never taken the time to think about it. For just a moment, imagine yourself doing something that nourishes your body, mind, and spirit. Really see yourself doing it. Imagine how you will feel.

Now, think about the following questions:

  • How do you define self-care?
  • What are some of the benefits of taking care of yourself?
  • What are some of the cultural messages you have received about people who spend time taking care of themselves?
  • What are some of the disadvantages of taking care of yourself?
  • What do you think you would have to give up in order to take better care of yourself?

If you came up with some negative cultural messages about being selfish or having better, more important things to do, then you are in good company. Most people I talk to have one or more of these types of beliefs about self-care. Ask yourself if these beliefs are really true, for you, right now. Maybe they are or maybe you need to run a little experiment to test their truth.

Once you have identified your own beliefs about self-care, you are in a good position to decide if this is something you want to work on. If you know you need to take better care of yourself, don’t let negative beliefs or cultural messages stop you.

Three Steps

  1. Define self-care in your own words. What would self-care look like for you? Be specific. What would you do? When would you do it? How often would you do it?
  2. Test the limits of your beliefs. What’s the worst thing that could happen if you take 10 minutes for yourself? How about taking a whole day?
  3. Try an experiment. Pick one thing that would nourish you, and do it. See what happens. Chances are you will feel much better, and the world will keep spinning.

Remember that you cannot give something that you do not have. If you want to give compassion and love to others, you must first give these things to yourself.