Tag: self-reflection

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Awareness & Perception

Don’t Let Your Past Dictate Your Future


Have you heard the saying, “there are two sides to every story?” One of my students corrected me the other day. He informed me that there are at least three sides to every story: my side, your side, and the truth. I believe he was right.

Embracing the Story

Our memories are the stories we tell ourselves. These are stories of success and failure. They are stories of connection, compassion, guilt, and fear. Many of us rely on our memories to determine what we deserve to receive and what we are capable of accomplishing.

The way we interpret our stories is important because it can impact how we see ourselves and others. As we look back, we can reinterpret the meaning of our stories from where we are now.

Fictional Stories

It’s interesting to think about how we make memories. We typically believe that the way we experience an event and later recall that event is how it actually happened. Science tells us that’s not true.

Elizabeth Loftus is well-known for her research on false memories. She has learned that false memories are easily planted by asking questions or retelling events in a certain way. Loftus started asking questions with highly emotional words to see if that would change the person’s response. Guess what? It did. She also found out that sometimes counseling unintentionally plants false memories by asking leading questions.

That’s significant for all of us because we have conversations with ourselves about our past. Each time we retell the story, it tends to change slightly. When we tell the story to someone else, we might add a little here or leave out this little part over there. Knowing that we are all human, and prone to these same tendencies, this leads to the conclusion that some of our memories might be false memories. Honestly, I’m starting to believe that part of what we think we remember is fiction.

Interpreting the Story

Remember that everything is filtered through our expectations, previous experiences, and our current state of mind. That means our filters dictate what makes it into awareness and how we understand that information. If you are looking for people to be kind and compassionate, that is what you will tend to find.

It’s as if you have on special glasses that filter out the things you are not looking for and magnify the things you are looking for. Now, this doesn’t mean that everyone suddenly becomes kind and compassionate. What it means is that you are more likely to notice the nice things that people do, rather than focusing on the negative.

Our memories are just the stories we tell ourselves about our lives and how we came to be who we are. In the end, whether the memory is true or false, all of our memories combine to create the story of who we are and how we function in the world.

Editing the Story

That’s good news because it means that you control how you interpret the story of your past and create the story of your future. It’s time to let go of past stories that don’t serve your current and future goals. Sometimes that means you have to learn a lesson from that experience. Maybe it happened to teach you something about yourself or someone else, or about the world in general. Sometimes it means you have to practice forgiveness in order to move on. Whatever you need to do, letting the past hold you back is much worse than facing the past and reinterpreting it from your current position.

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Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

Confirmation Bias: The Power of Our Beliefs

Why take the time to figure out what we believe? Whether we are aware of them or not, our beliefs about a specific area can greatly impact the assumptions that support those beliefs and the values we hold that are based on those beliefs.

Our beliefs guide our thoughts and behaviors. We tend to look for or create situations that support what we believe to be true.

Just think about everyone’s favorite blue donkey, Eeyore. He seemed to always find himself in the worst situations. Do you remember all those times when it only rained on him?

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Sometimes I have all the best intentions but then fall back into an old habit. Usually, that happens when I have an underlying limiting belief about what I can or can’t do. When I think about my assumptions and beliefs, I can begin to see how I could be unconsciously sabotaging my own efforts.

Acknowledging and analyzing beliefs can help us figure out several things. For now, let’s focus on these two:

  • why we aren’t consistently doing the things we want to do
  • why we continue to do things we don’t want to do

Henry Ford said it best when he said, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t. You’re right.” Are there things that you believe you can or can’t do? Maybe you tried something one time and it didn’t go very well. Or maybe you thought about doing something different, but were told that you couldn’t do it. No matter how these limiting beliefs developed, now is a good time to reassess their truth and usefulness.

“Can”s and “Can’t”s: Internalized Beliefs

I have worked with many people who believe they can’t control their eating. They generally think that they are too weak or too emotional to choose the right food for their body. Usually, these limiting beliefs are related to their faulty assumptions about themselves, others, and/or the world.

Through individual coaching, I work with people to acknowledge and analyze their faulty assumptions and limiting beliefs. What I have seen is that people tend to pay attention to experiences that support what they already believe.

Science backs this up with studies about belief perseverance and the confirmation bias. Basically, these studies show that we more easily see things that are in line with our current beliefs.

Think about a time when you were in a really good mood. Maybe you woke up feeling energized, had the perfect cup of coffee, and got to work without struggling or rushing. However you achieved it, you were experiencing a higher than normal level of happiness. You probably noticed more people smiling at you. You might have even seen and taken advantage of additional opportunities that would increase your happiness. Maybe you noticed that the other drivers on the road were much more courteous to you.

Chances are, the external world was just the same as it has always been. The only difference was your perspective, which was based on your current filter of happiness.

This works the same with other things we believe about the world. If we believe that we can’t control our eating behavior, then we will see the world in a way that supports this belief. When we encounter a situation where we are tempted, we will fall back on habitual patterns instead of remembering the reasons we are choosing a different option. If we really believe that we can’t control our eating behavior, we may not even see the other options that are available to us.

If we believe that our current behaviors are protecting us or serving us in some way, we will continue to engage in those behaviors. There is a hidden logic to the way our brains work to protect us from perceived danger. Figuring out how you are unconsciously fulfilling your beliefs can make this hidden logic visible. Once you are aware of these beliefs, you are free to choose whether or not they need to be changed.

Acknowledging Our Beliefs

I believe that we can all choose to do things that are good for us. Acknowledging our beliefs is a good place to start. Once we know what we believe, we can test to see if those beliefs are true and helpful. We can also try out new beliefs that might be more productive.

Learning to let go of limiting beliefs is one of the keys to making positive changes and maintaining our motivation when it gets hard. If you want to explore your limiting beliefs, pick one thing that is not working well and explore your beliefs in that area. Watch your thoughts and behaviors in that specific area of your life.

These self-reflection questions are similar to the questions about faulty assumptions. The main difference is that we are now focusing on what you believe to be true, rather than what you assume that you, others, or the world should be or do. Beliefs are generally based on assumptions.

If you want to explore your limiting beliefs, ask yourself these questions:

  • Are there any patterns in my language that demonstrate what I believe? What do I repeatedly say to myself? What do I repeatedly say to others?
  • What are my “can”s, and “can’t”s?
  • Are these beliefs always true?
  • Are these beliefs currently helpful and productive?
  • What assumptions are holding up these beliefs? Are these assumptions still true, helpful, and productive?
  • Is there one belief that I could shift to something more helpful and productive?
  • What can I try over the next week that might allow me to see beyond my limiting beliefs?

Hopefully, these self-reflection questions will provide some insight about how limiting beliefs (and the underlying assumptions) contribute to our thoughts and behaviors.

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Awareness & Perception

Work for the Cause, Not the Applause

Do you ever feel overworked, underpaid, or underappreciated? Most people have felt this way at one time or another. I have heard people describe it as swimming upstream, fighting a losing battle, chasing their tail, or running on fumes. These different ways of understanding our current reality can reveal a lot about our underlying values and current perspective.

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Our Perspective

If I were to ask you to think about an area of your life where you feel overworked or underappreciated, which area would it be? Would it be work, home, church, school, or friendships? Thinking about this area, what are your specific complaints?

Maybe you feel like you put in more effort than others. Maybe you believe that you are worth more than you currently receive. Maybe you think that people should recognize what you do and praise you for your contribution. These thoughts could be based on your assumptions about what others should be doing.

I can agree that it is difficult to keep putting forth your best effort when you don’t feel like others value your contribution. It would be nice if everyone put in the same amount of effort, received appropriate compensation for the value they contribute, and felt appreciated in all areas of life.

However, the truth is that we live in the real world. Things are not always going to be fair. Other people have their own perspectives and see the world through their own filters of assumptions, beliefs, and values.

Our Values

The more important factor here is that we can only control ourselves. Trying to convince people to change is typically a waste of time and energy. We have all heard the saying, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” Horses can be stubborn, but so can people.

So, how do we reconcile this situation? Like always, we focus on what we can change. If we step back from the situation, we can figure out our values in this specific area of life. Why are we doing what we are doing? Why do we keep going to work and putting forth our best effort? Why do we keep cleaning up the house, knowing it will be messy again tomorrow?

Is this something we really want to keep doing? Let’s be honest, sometimes we really are overworked and underappreciated. Maybe it’s time to step back and let someone else carry the load for a little while.

Align Our Values and Actions

Hopefully, we do these things for a reason that is bigger than applause or money. If we can see that our efforts are based on our values (not some external reward), then it becomes much easier to keep going. Knowing how to realign our values and shift our perspective can help us feel a little better about these situations.

I don’t know about you, but I do what I do because it aligns with my values. If my actions didn’t align with my values, I would consider finding something else to do with my time and energy.

However, there are times when I begin to feel overworked and underappreciated. When this happens, I remind myself of the reasons why I do what I do. For those who are interested, here are my beliefs, as I currently understand them.

  • I believe that it is important to give to others, based on what I have been given.
  • I believe that self-knowledge gives us greater flexibility.
  • I believe that awareness brings more opportunities for choice.
  • I believe that people make the best decisions they can make, based on their past experiences and future goals.
  • I believe that we are all more powerful than we realize.

 

 

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Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

When you assume, you make…

When you assume, you make…

We all know how that statement usually ends, but do you know why assumptions are so important to our daily lives? The assumptions we hold about ourselves, others, and the world can make or break our efforts to live an authentic life and be the best version of ourselves that we can be. These assumptions also serve as the support structure for our beliefs and values. Starting with our assumptions, we can effectively shift our beliefs and values to more successfully support our goals.

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Have you ever asked yourself why you keep doing things that don’t move you in the direction of your goals? Sometimes I find myself stuck in a cycle of thinking about what I should or shouldn’t be thinking or doing. Or worse, thinking about what others should or shouldn’t be doing. This may seem like a productive thing to do, but it actually drains all of the energy that I could be using to create the outcomes I want.

There are ways to keep moving in a positive direction, starting with understanding our faulty assumptions. Once we understand ourselves a little more, we can more easily choose to see things differently and respond in a more helpful, productive way.

“Should”s and “Shouldn’t”s: Faulty Assumptions 

Our past experiences help us develop assumptions about ourselves, others, and the world in general. Some of these assumptions are adaptive and helpful. For instance, many people have learned that they should get up and go to work each day. That is helpful because (in the best situations) work makes you feel good about your contribution to the world, encourages personal growth, and allows you to pay your bills. Other assumptions are not as helpful and actually keep us stuck in dysfunctional thought processes.

Media Messages

For example, let’s think about the media messages regarding what it means to be a woman in today’s world. We are taught that women should be beautiful (but make it look effortless), submissive (but be able to stand on our own), smart (but not smarter than others), compassionate (but hold ourselves to a standard of perfection), and employed (but also take care of the family and home). It is almost impossible to balance all of these shoulds and maintain any sense of being centered and calm, much less live from a place that feels authentic.

I am sure there are plenty of other shoulds that our young women today have internalized from the popular culture. You can probably think of a much longer list than this one. For example, my daughter “should” be a straight “A” student and a superstar athlete.

If like my daughter, you have tried to master several domains, you are aware of how difficult it can be to give 100% in every area of life. Learning who we are, living from our authentic self, and practicing self-compassion can help keep things in balance.

I don’t mean to leave out the men. I know they receive cultural messages and have internalized faulty assumptions too. If you are male or have important men in your life, you can probably recognize some of the shoulds that they are expected to uphold…men should be strong (but also sensitive), hardworking (but also available for the family), independent (but just needy enough to build relationships), and powerful (but also protective of others). Again, this balance is almost impossible without a stable base of self-knowledge from which to live an authentic life.

Family and Friends

These media messages aren’t the only place (or even the first place) where we learn cultural standards that can lead to faulty assumptions. We can also internalize them from our family and friends.

Some of these assumptions come from things we learned during our childhood. During the first few years of life, we are dependent on our parents for everything. Our parents are responsible for keeping us alive and teaching us how to interact with the world.

If we have parents who are responsive and caring, we tend to learn that the world is a safe place where our needs can be met. If on the other hand, we have parents who are abusive or neglectful, then we tend to learn that the world is not a safe place. We may even come to believe that we have to always keep our guard up or that everyone is out to get us.

I know that some psychologists have been criticized for blaming everything on parents, but there is no way around the fact that our parents are the primary influence during our early development. In fact, childhood trauma is highly correlated with mental health and physical health, even into adulthood.

I am not saying that we can blame all of our bad habits on our parents. What I am saying is that when we can recognize these influences, then we can take responsibility for our current thoughts and behaviors.

Moving beyond the early influence of parents, we also learn some of our assumptions from interacting with our friends and acquaintances.

Think about a time when you received praise for doing something well or achieving a major goal. Maybe you spent a lot of time and effort working on your physical beauty through eating healthy and exercising. If you were repeatedly praised for these improvements, you may have internalized the message that you should be beautiful or thin in order to be worthy of love (or praise, or admiration, or acceptance, etc.).

Testing Our Assumptions

Basing our worth on fulfilling faulty assumptions is a dangerous way to live. It’s also a very tentative way of understanding our place in the world. Without self-knowledge, we are floating in the wind, going whichever way the winds of life blow us. We are left without a stable base from which to interact with the world.

Exploring our assumptions is a good way to gain self-knowledge. If you want to explore your faulty assumptions, try watching your thought patterns and habitual behaviors in a specific area of your life. Pick one area that is not working well and explore your assumptions in that area. Ask yourself these questions:

  • What messages have I received from the media about this area of life?
  • What are my “should”s and “shouldn’t”s about myself, others, and the world?
  • Complete this statement: In order to be worthy, I should…
  • Complete this statement: In order to be worthy, I shouldn’t…
  • What childhood experiences might be related to these faulty assumptions?
  • Were there times in my life where these assumptions were helpful or protective?
  • Are there any patterns in my language that could reveal my assumptions? What do I repeatedly say to myself? What do I repeatedly say to others?
  • Are these assumptions always true?
  • Have there been times when I didn’t follow these assumptions? How did it work out?

Hopefully, these self-reflection questions will provide you with some insight about how your faulty assumptions are contributing to your current thoughts and behaviors.

If you need individual guidance, contact me.

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Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

Dynamic Values: Figuring Out What You Want

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It’s pretty easy to set a goal. There are strategies for how to set the best kind of SMART goals. There are even techniques for monitoring your progress. The hard part seems to be staying on track after the initial excitement and motivation wear off.

Linking Values and Goals

Figuring out what you really want can help you keep moving in the right direction. In my opinion, the best way to set a goal is to ask yourself why you want that outcome in the first place. For example, I could say that my goal is to meditate daily for 10 minutes for the next 30 days. Here’s how the internal dialogue would go…

Well, why do I want that? I want to relieve stress.

And, what would that do for me? I would be happier and more peaceful.

Why do I want to be happier and more peaceful? I want to show up as the best version of myself.

And, what is important about being the best version of me? I want to offer my best to those around me.

So, there we have it. The true value behind my goal is a combination of authenticity and contribution. Thinking about these values, I can agree that these are two of my core values. It is very important to me to live in accordance with who I truly am and to give something positive to those around me.

Living Your Values

Knowing why I really want to meditate can encourage me to do it, even when I might not feel like I have time. Linking your core values to your goals is one of the keys to maintaining motivation toward achieving your goals. You could even try writing your goals in a way that includes your values. For instance, I could say, “I will meditate 10 minutes a day because I value authenticity and contribution.”

Acknowledging my core values could also give me some other ideas about small changes that I could make to more fully live in accordance with these values. In fact, these values are part of the reason that I decided to write a blog. There are plenty of other ways to live out these core values.

So far, I have found that the more I live in accordance with my values, the happier and more fulfilled I feel. This is one of the strategies I used when trying to work through my weight loss journey.

Finding Your Values

There are tons of values inventories available online. Most of them encourage you to identify your core values for life in general. In working with people, it seems that their values are different in each area of life. If you are interested in exploring your values, I suggest starting with one area of your life. To ease into this, you could start with the area that is working well.

If you are the happiest and most fulfilled in your home life, think about what is important to you about your home life. What do you value the most in that setting or those relationships? Ask the “why” questions a couple of times until you get down to something that feels like a core value, which usually lies deep below the surface of your first stated value.

You could also do this same process for an area that is not working well. For instance, maybe your personal growth has stalled or your health is suffering. Thinking about what is important to you in these areas could reveal that you are not living in alignment with your core values. It could also provide you with small changes you could make to improve these areas of your life.

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Awareness & Perception

The Gift of Active Listening

Who Doesn’t Like Free Gifts?

We have the ability to offer a very valuable (and free) gift to the people we care about. As you can see from the title, the gift I’m talking about is active listening. The act of truly listening to another person seems so simple, yet it doesn’t happen very often.

There are tons of reasons why we don’t really listen to others. Sometimes we get busy or we think we can multitask. Other times we may believe we are listening when, in reality, we are really planning what we are going to say next. I’m sure you can think of many more reasons.

I tend to think I am a pretty good listener. I’ve been trained in all of those wonderful counseling skills. However, I realized that I recently missed an opportunity to actively listen to a good friend.

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How to Tell if You’re Not Actively Listening

You know you’re not using active listening when you can’t clearly recall what the person said. Or maybe you realize that they stopped talking and you can’t think of anything relevant to say.

That’s what happened to me. The sad part is, I don’t even have a good excuse as to why I didn’t stop and listen. So, in an effort to correct my behavior, I’ve been paying extra attention to my listening habits.

The truth is, most people don’t even know that they’re not being good listeners. So, if you realize that you have this tendency, then you are well on your way to being a great active listener. However, this is a skill that you have to practice. And in my case, remind yourself to practice again.

You Can Learn to be an Active Listener

Imagine how your life would be different if you stopped what you were doing when someone decided that they needed to talk to you. How much better would your relationships be? How would this change your understanding of yourself?

If you’re interested, here are a few tips to improve your active listening.

  1. Practice monotasking: stop everything else and listen to the person.
  2. Make eye contact.
  3. If this person is unfamiliar to you, mirror their style of speech and mannerisms.
  4. Pay attention to keywords that they use.
  5. Ask questions to clarify what they said. Ask for examples.
  6. Repeat a part of what they said and ask another question.
  7. Ignore the urge to “fix” their problem. There is great value in sitting with a problem. Usually, if we wait long enough, people will solve their own problems.

For a funny video that shows what active listening is not, and why sometimes active listening is not the right strategy, check out It’s Not About The Nail.

Your Turn

Offering the gift of active listening is a natural thing to do, but it’s not normal in today’s society. Active listening can help you build relationships with adults and children, get to the root of problems, and come up with creative solutions. The best part is that it shows others that you genuinely care about them and what they have to say.

Can you see yourself practicing this skill over the next few days? What do you think will happen when you take the time to invest your attention in the people you care about? I wonder what positive results you might receive. As always, let me know how it goes.

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Awareness & Perception

It’s All About Perspective

Have you ever had one of those days where everything that could go “wrong,” does go wrong? Well, I have. In fact, I’ve had many of those days. But, I’ve also had days where everything seems to go “right.”

The other day I was having a conversation with a couple of people. We were trying to figure out the best way to get something done. From my perspective, all I really needed was a definition of what they wanted. A couple of examples and non-examples would have been icing on the cake.

As the conversation continued, I started to realize that we were going in circles. At that point, I knew I was not going to get the clear guidance that I was looking for. Then I thought about all of the other things I needed to be doing. I felt myself slipping into a well-known pattern of cynical disconnection. I don’t really like to operate that way, so I made a choice.

I chose to take a few deep breaths. Once I was a little more centered, I remembered the technique that you will read in a few minutes. I tried this little thought experiment and immediately felt much better. I was able to rejoin the conversation from a different perspective. Although my question did not get answered, I was still able to see the value of spending my time in this particular conversation.

I’m starting to see that maybe it’s not always the things around me that are going wrong or right. Maybe it’s my view of those things that makes the difference. Maybe wrong and right are really based on where you stand when you look at the situation.

Three Steps to Shifting Your Perspective

Be Aware

In order to shift your perspective, first you have to pay attention to the fact that you have a unique perspective. We all see the world through our own filters of past experiences and internalized beliefs.

If you believe you are secure and the world is a safe place, then you may see things through a lens of order and predictability. You might have a sense that everything will work out in the end or that everything happens for a reason.

If you have a history of unresolved trauma, you may see many events as dangerous or negative. You might sense that everyone is out to get you or that bad things always happen to you.

Your current physical and mental condition also impact the filter through which you view the world. If you are stressed or tired, things will look more negative. If you are happy and nourished, things will look more positive. Knowing how you see the world will help you begin to determine if what you are seeing is truly reality or some skewed version based on your filters.

Knowing how you see the world will help you begin to determine if what you are seeing is truly reality or some skewed version based on your filters.

Another thing to be aware of is your triggers. Most people have things that trigger defensive, unproductive responses. These triggers could be situations, people, smells, visuals, etc. In the example above, my trigger was the feeling that I was wasting my time, which I believe is a valuable resource.

You want to learn your triggers because knowing what they are and how they effect you gives you more options. With awareness, you can more easily choose how to respond.

Be Curious

Once you are aware of your perspective, then you can start exploring it. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • How did I come to see the world this way?
  • Does this remind me of something in my past?
  • Is this a pattern for me?
  • Is there another way to see this situation?

If you are having a moment, you know, the kind where everything is horrible, just think of something unique. You could imagine what the world would look like if you saw everything upside down. You could also visualize the most curiously creative animal you can imagine. For me, in the conversation I talked about earlier, a purple elephant with green wings was the visual that came to mind.

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The goal here is to shift the energy in your brain away from the limbic system and back to the prefrontal cortex. Without going into the neuropsychology behind it, this simple thought experiment will allow your brain to calm down for a minute. Of course, you could also try some deep breathing or meditation.

Be Open

The last step is very simple. Just try to be open to seeing things from a different perspective. Think about how someone else, with a different past, or different resources, might view the situation.

As you practice recognizing your perspective, you will learn how to easily shift into a more desired state of mind. Being open to exploring your own thoughts and reactions will naturally lead to more awareness and more choice.

Please Share and Comment

Have you noticed how easy it is to get stuck seeing the world through your own filters? Imagine what your life would be like if you could recognize the past experiences and internal beliefs that inform your view of the world? What if you could identify and neutralize some of your triggers? Well, you can. It just takes some practice.

If you found this practice helpful, share it with your friends.

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Awareness & Perception

Balancing Challenge and Support

Do you ever wonder why people do the things they do? In observing leaders, I have seen that the people who understand these ideas are able to effectively influence and lead a wide variety of people.

I’m sure you have questions of your own, but here are a few of the things that I wonder about. Why don’t people think for themselves instead of following the crowd or the media messages? Why don’t some parents show up for parent-teacher conferences? Why don’t many college students embrace self-directed learning? Why don’t all professionals engage in self-reflective practice? Why don’t professional development efforts focus on transformational learning rather than informational learning? You can find research saying that people should be doing these things, but research doesn’t always translate into practice.

Maybe we can learn to challenge and support the people around us in a more balanced way. Maybe we are all doing the best we can, based on our own understanding of the world. Is it possible that, just like children, adults are still learning how to navigate the world?

Children are fascinating. Their brains take in a large amount of information that they really have no pre-determined concepts for. Have you ever watched a little child who is just learning about animals? At first, they learn that a common four-legged animal is a dog. Then, they come across other four-legged animals and assume (rightfully so, based on their experiences) that these are also dogs.

As responsible adults, we correct them and tell them the correct name of each animal. Eventually, they learn what belongs in the category of “dog” and what does not. This is the process of assimilation and accommodation.

When children call a horse a dog, we think it’s cute, sweet, and innocent. When adults make similar judgments, also based on their current understanding of the world, we don’t think it’s very cute.

We tend to think adults should know things. Right? Some things are just common sense. Well, that’s not necessarily true. People see the world through their own unique blend of past experiences, relationships, and internalized categories.

We all do and say things based on how we understand the world. If we become curious about how other people see the world, maybe we can find more meaningful ways to connect and support.

A few years ago, I found the work of Robert Kegan. His research on adult development showed me a whole new way to view the reasons that people do the things they do.

Orders of Consciousness

Kegan

It’s All About Me – 2nd Order Consciousness

People who operate from this perspective are defined by their point of view, needs, and wants. They are able to recognize that others have needs and wants, but they cannot necessarily make decisions based on processing that one set of needs comes before the other. They do not recognize that they control their perspective. They tend to make decisions based on social perceptions, their own perceptions of situations, and impulses. Long-term planning and consequences are not heavily weighed.

How do you support people who are operating from this perspective?

  • provide non-judgmental assistance
  • ensure that the rules are fair
  • advocate for their needs
  • help them navigate complex systems
  • provide concrete information with real-life examples

We’ve Always Done It This Way – 3rd Order Consciousness

People who operate from this perspective are defined by their interpersonal relationships. They make decisions based on how it will impact their relationships with others. They are able to understand abstract concepts. These people can recognize and are impacted by their inner states; however, they are not yet able to modify their inner states or analyze their preferences. They tend to understand things from different points of view; however, there is still an emphasis on their perception being the right way of doing something. There is a focus on following rules, traditions, and norms.

How do you support people who are operating from this perspective?

  • encourage them to think about the reasons for their thoughts and feelings
  • show them that what needs to be done will benefit the people they care about
  • challenge them to see things from a different perspective
  • encourage journal-writing and self-reflection
  • help them see how new policies or procedures fit into the existing system

I Wonder What Would Happen If… – 4th Order Consciousness

People who operate from this perspective are defined by abstract systems, theories, or ideologies. They are able to recognize multiple relationships and roles within the social structure. They can reflect on their own actions and modify future behavior to achieve desired results. They tend to make decisions based on their consistency with an over-arching theory or ideology. They tend to think more along the lines of systems of interactions.

How do you support people who are operating from this perspective?

  • provide them with opportunities to explore how systems interact
  • encourage them to engage in ongoing self-reflection
  • help them figure out how to explain their thoughts to people who do not see the world through interrelated systems
  • convince them that what needs to be done fits within their existing beliefs
  • remind them that one order of consciousness is not better than another

Personal Application

There are many benefits to recognizing that people operate from different orders of consciousness.

  • We recognize that some things we expect people to do are not within their current ability.
  • We figure out what support people need in order to meet the challenges of daily life.
  • We develop more empathy and compassion for others.
  • We can create a wider variety of approaches for supporting others.
  • We learn that our way is only one way to see the world.
  • We find ways to continue our own personal development.

Please Share and Comment

Which order of consciousness best describes the way you interact with the world? Did you think of certain people who fit into the other two categories? Can you see how this information might be helpful in your life?