Author: Jessica Traylor, Ed.D.

Dr. Jessica Traylor is an educator, researcher, and student of life. Her goal is to take what she has learned and translate it into simple, actionable steps to help others in their quest to live a happy, fulfilling life.

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Awareness & Perception

The Gift of Active Listening

Who Doesn’t Like Free Gifts?

We have the ability to offer a very valuable (and free) gift to the people we care about. As you can see from the title, the gift I’m talking about is active listening. The act of truly listening to another person seems so simple, yet it doesn’t happen very often.

There are tons of reasons why we don’t really listen to others. Sometimes we get busy or we think we can multitask. Other times we may believe we are listening when, in reality, we are really planning what we are going to say next. I’m sure you can think of many more reasons.

I tend to think I am a pretty good listener. I’ve been trained in all of those wonderful counseling skills. However, I realized that I recently missed an opportunity to actively listen to a good friend.

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How to Tell if You’re Not Actively Listening

You know you’re not using active listening when you can’t clearly recall what the person said. Or maybe you realize that they stopped talking and you can’t think of anything relevant to say.

That’s what happened to me. The sad part is, I don’t even have a good excuse as to why I didn’t stop and listen. So, in an effort to correct my behavior, I’ve been paying extra attention to my listening habits.

The truth is, most people don’t even know that they’re not being good listeners. So, if you realize that you have this tendency, then you are well on your way to being a great active listener. However, this is a skill that you have to practice. And in my case, remind yourself to practice again.

You Can Learn to be an Active Listener

Imagine how your life would be different if you stopped what you were doing when someone decided that they needed to talk to you. How much better would your relationships be? How would this change your understanding of yourself?

If you’re interested, here are a few tips to improve your active listening.

  1. Practice monotasking: stop everything else and listen to the person.
  2. Make eye contact.
  3. If this person is unfamiliar to you, mirror their style of speech and mannerisms.
  4. Pay attention to keywords that they use.
  5. Ask questions to clarify what they said. Ask for examples.
  6. Repeat a part of what they said and ask another question.
  7. Ignore the urge to “fix” their problem. There is great value in sitting with a problem. Usually, if we wait long enough, people will solve their own problems.

For a funny video that shows what active listening is not, and why sometimes active listening is not the right strategy, check out It’s Not About The Nail.

Your Turn

Offering the gift of active listening is a natural thing to do, but it’s not normal in today’s society. Active listening can help you build relationships with adults and children, get to the root of problems, and come up with creative solutions. The best part is that it shows others that you genuinely care about them and what they have to say.

Can you see yourself practicing this skill over the next few days? What do you think will happen when you take the time to invest your attention in the people you care about? I wonder what positive results you might receive. As always, let me know how it goes.

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Awareness & Perception

It’s All About Perspective

Have you ever had one of those days where everything that could go “wrong,” does go wrong? Well, I have. In fact, I’ve had many of those days. But, I’ve also had days where everything seems to go “right.”

The other day I was having a conversation with a couple of people. We were trying to figure out the best way to get something done. From my perspective, all I really needed was a definition of what they wanted. A couple of examples and non-examples would have been icing on the cake.

As the conversation continued, I started to realize that we were going in circles. At that point, I knew I was not going to get the clear guidance that I was looking for. Then I thought about all of the other things I needed to be doing. I felt myself slipping into a well-known pattern of cynical disconnection. I don’t really like to operate that way, so I made a choice.

I chose to take a few deep breaths. Once I was a little more centered, I remembered the technique that you will read in a few minutes. I tried this little thought experiment and immediately felt much better. I was able to rejoin the conversation from a different perspective. Although my question did not get answered, I was still able to see the value of spending my time in this particular conversation.

I’m starting to see that maybe it’s not always the things around me that are going wrong or right. Maybe it’s my view of those things that makes the difference. Maybe wrong and right are really based on where you stand when you look at the situation.

Three Steps to Shifting Your Perspective

Be Aware

In order to shift your perspective, first you have to pay attention to the fact that you have a unique perspective. We all see the world through our own filters of past experiences and internalized beliefs.

If you believe you are secure and the world is a safe place, then you may see things through a lens of order and predictability. You might have a sense that everything will work out in the end or that everything happens for a reason.

If you have a history of unresolved trauma, you may see many events as dangerous or negative. You might sense that everyone is out to get you or that bad things always happen to you.

Your current physical and mental condition also impact the filter through which you view the world. If you are stressed or tired, things will look more negative. If you are happy and nourished, things will look more positive. Knowing how you see the world will help you begin to determine if what you are seeing is truly reality or some skewed version based on your filters.

Knowing how you see the world will help you begin to determine if what you are seeing is truly reality or some skewed version based on your filters.

Another thing to be aware of is your triggers. Most people have things that trigger defensive, unproductive responses. These triggers could be situations, people, smells, visuals, etc. In the example above, my trigger was the feeling that I was wasting my time, which I believe is a valuable resource.

You want to learn your triggers because knowing what they are and how they effect you gives you more options. With awareness, you can more easily choose how to respond.

Be Curious

Once you are aware of your perspective, then you can start exploring it. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • How did I come to see the world this way?
  • Does this remind me of something in my past?
  • Is this a pattern for me?
  • Is there another way to see this situation?

If you are having a moment, you know, the kind where everything is horrible, just think of something unique. You could imagine what the world would look like if you saw everything upside down. You could also visualize the most curiously creative animal you can imagine. For me, in the conversation I talked about earlier, a purple elephant with green wings was the visual that came to mind.

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The goal here is to shift the energy in your brain away from the limbic system and back to the prefrontal cortex. Without going into the neuropsychology behind it, this simple thought experiment will allow your brain to calm down for a minute. Of course, you could also try some deep breathing or meditation.

Be Open

The last step is very simple. Just try to be open to seeing things from a different perspective. Think about how someone else, with a different past, or different resources, might view the situation.

As you practice recognizing your perspective, you will learn how to easily shift into a more desired state of mind. Being open to exploring your own thoughts and reactions will naturally lead to more awareness and more choice.

Please Share and Comment

Have you noticed how easy it is to get stuck seeing the world through your own filters? Imagine what your life would be like if you could recognize the past experiences and internal beliefs that inform your view of the world? What if you could identify and neutralize some of your triggers? Well, you can. It just takes some practice.

If you found this practice helpful, share it with your friends.

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Mindfulness & Peacefulness

If You Are Breathing, You Can Meditate

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Do you meditate? Have you tried? It’s much simpler than you might think. As with many things, people tend to see obstacles in their way. Some people say they have tried and “failed.” Other people say they don’t know how to meditate. Then other people say they don’t have time to meditate. Do any of these apply to you? If so, hopefully, this post will help you remove some of those obstacles to meditation.

Benefits of Meditation

Unless you have been living under a rock, you have undoubtedly heard about the many benefits of meditation. Here is a short list:

  • reduced stress level
  • increased focus and attention
  • improved mental health
  • better sleep
  • less emotional reactivity
  • greater self-awareness
  • more access to creativity and insight
  • the list goes on, and on, and on…

Meditation in 4 Simple Steps

When I first started meditating, I read all the books I could find. I listened to podcasts and watched Youtube videos. I tried many different complicated strategies until I figured out one important thing…just breathe. It’s really that simple. But, for those who like a step-by-step approach, here goes.

  1. Bring your attention to your breathing: feel the inhale, feel the exhale, repeat.
  2. Notice that you lost focus on your breathing. Become aware that you are thinking. It doesn’t really matter what you are thinking about. The point is that you are thinking about something besides the inhale and exhale. Don’t worry about it.
  3. Bring your attention back to your breathing.
  4. Repeat for whatever amount of time you decided.

It really is that simple. The point is not to sit for 30 minutes in a cross-legged position. You don’t even have to close your eyes. Don’t tell the people I work with, but sometimes I “meditate” during meetings. My eyes are open and I am present, but primarily, I’m focused on my breathing.

The main point is to notice what you are noticing. Become aware of what you are aware of. If you can practice this during meditation, then you can start to become more aware during the rest of the day.

I have used my meditation practice to remain calm in potentially difficult situations. When I start to feel stressed or anxious, I bring my attention to my breathing. It is not magic. It is simply a practice to train your body to shift out of fight-or-flight mode and back into the calm state.

Technology Can Help

For those who are still a little apprehensive, here are a few technology tools that might help. I have tried all of these and still use each of them for different purposes. I primarily use Smiling Mind when working with groups of students. Inner Balance is helpful for getting into a meditative state quickly, especially before a presentation or difficult meeting. Holosync provides the background music for my daily morning meditation.

  • Smiling Mind – free app with guided meditations
  • Inner Balance – heart rate variability sensor (about $100)
  • Holosync – binaural beats audio (free trial, cost for higher levels)

Please Share and Comment

This basic meditation technique will provide you with many of the research-based benefits of meditation. There are more specific and structured styles, which you can learn from books or teachers. If this works for you, then maybe you want to try taking your meditation practice a little deeper.

Give meditation a try and see what you think. Let me know how it goes.

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Awareness & Perception

Balancing Challenge and Support

Do you ever wonder why people do the things they do? In observing leaders, I have seen that the people who understand these ideas are able to effectively influence and lead a wide variety of people.

I’m sure you have questions of your own, but here are a few of the things that I wonder about. Why don’t people think for themselves instead of following the crowd or the media messages? Why don’t some parents show up for parent-teacher conferences? Why don’t many college students embrace self-directed learning? Why don’t all professionals engage in self-reflective practice? Why don’t professional development efforts focus on transformational learning rather than informational learning? You can find research saying that people should be doing these things, but research doesn’t always translate into practice.

Maybe we can learn to challenge and support the people around us in a more balanced way. Maybe we are all doing the best we can, based on our own understanding of the world. Is it possible that, just like children, adults are still learning how to navigate the world?

Children are fascinating. Their brains take in a large amount of information that they really have no pre-determined concepts for. Have you ever watched a little child who is just learning about animals? At first, they learn that a common four-legged animal is a dog. Then, they come across other four-legged animals and assume (rightfully so, based on their experiences) that these are also dogs.

As responsible adults, we correct them and tell them the correct name of each animal. Eventually, they learn what belongs in the category of “dog” and what does not. This is the process of assimilation and accommodation.

When children call a horse a dog, we think it’s cute, sweet, and innocent. When adults make similar judgments, also based on their current understanding of the world, we don’t think it’s very cute.

We tend to think adults should know things. Right? Some things are just common sense. Well, that’s not necessarily true. People see the world through their own unique blend of past experiences, relationships, and internalized categories.

We all do and say things based on how we understand the world. If we become curious about how other people see the world, maybe we can find more meaningful ways to connect and support.

A few years ago, I found the work of Robert Kegan. His research on adult development showed me a whole new way to view the reasons that people do the things they do.

Orders of Consciousness

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It’s All About Me – 2nd Order Consciousness

People who operate from this perspective are defined by their point of view, needs, and wants. They are able to recognize that others have needs and wants, but they cannot necessarily make decisions based on processing that one set of needs comes before the other. They do not recognize that they control their perspective. They tend to make decisions based on social perceptions, their own perceptions of situations, and impulses. Long-term planning and consequences are not heavily weighed.

How do you support people who are operating from this perspective?

  • provide non-judgmental assistance
  • ensure that the rules are fair
  • advocate for their needs
  • help them navigate complex systems
  • provide concrete information with real-life examples

We’ve Always Done It This Way – 3rd Order Consciousness

People who operate from this perspective are defined by their interpersonal relationships. They make decisions based on how it will impact their relationships with others. They are able to understand abstract concepts. These people can recognize and are impacted by their inner states; however, they are not yet able to modify their inner states or analyze their preferences. They tend to understand things from different points of view; however, there is still an emphasis on their perception being the right way of doing something. There is a focus on following rules, traditions, and norms.

How do you support people who are operating from this perspective?

  • encourage them to think about the reasons for their thoughts and feelings
  • show them that what needs to be done will benefit the people they care about
  • challenge them to see things from a different perspective
  • encourage journal-writing and self-reflection
  • help them see how new policies or procedures fit into the existing system

I Wonder What Would Happen If… – 4th Order Consciousness

People who operate from this perspective are defined by abstract systems, theories, or ideologies. They are able to recognize multiple relationships and roles within the social structure. They can reflect on their own actions and modify future behavior to achieve desired results. They tend to make decisions based on their consistency with an over-arching theory or ideology. They tend to think more along the lines of systems of interactions.

How do you support people who are operating from this perspective?

  • provide them with opportunities to explore how systems interact
  • encourage them to engage in ongoing self-reflection
  • help them figure out how to explain their thoughts to people who do not see the world through interrelated systems
  • convince them that what needs to be done fits within their existing beliefs
  • remind them that one order of consciousness is not better than another

Personal Application

There are many benefits to recognizing that people operate from different orders of consciousness.

  • We recognize that some things we expect people to do are not within their current ability.
  • We figure out what support people need in order to meet the challenges of daily life.
  • We develop more empathy and compassion for others.
  • We can create a wider variety of approaches for supporting others.
  • We learn that our way is only one way to see the world.
  • We find ways to continue our own personal development.

Please Share and Comment

Which order of consciousness best describes the way you interact with the world? Did you think of certain people who fit into the other two categories? Can you see how this information might be helpful in your life?

Categories
Awareness & Perception

How Are You Doing?

It’s common to walk past someone and say, “Hey, how are you?” Usually, we just keep walking without even waiting for an answer. I wonder if we ever ask ourselves how we are doing. When we do ask, do we stop to receive the answer?

Developing self-awareness will help you begin to recognize the things in your life that don’t serve your highest goals. Self-awareness will also alert you to subtle changes in your body, mind, and spirit before they become big problems. Ultimately, raising your awareness allows you to have more choices about how you will respond to anything in your life.

Over the past 15 years, I have been experimenting with different methods for raising awareness. I am much more aware now that I was back then, but I realize that it’s a life-long process. The best part is that once you learn the process, it typically takes less than a minute to check in with yourself. After a while, checking in with yourself will become a new habit. As one of my daughter’s favorite softball coaches, Megan Gant, says, “trust the process.”

When do you need to check in with yourself?

  • Right now!
  • Anytime you notice any intense emotions
  • Between tasks
  • At the red light or stop sign
  • Before any potentially stressful situation
  • Anytime you think about it

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Checking In

Check in with your body

Take a moment to notice your breathing. How does it feel? Is your breathing slow and deep or rapid and shallow? Do you notice the breath moving in and out of your nose? Do you notice your chest or stomach rising and falling with each breath?

Go through a quick scan of your body. Starting with your toes, bring your attention to each part of your body, all the way up to the top of your head. Did you notice any areas of tension? Are your shoulders tense or relaxed? How does your stomach feel? Are you holding any unnecessary tension anywhere in your body?

Check in with your mind

Noticing what you are thinking about is an interesting skill that seems to take some practice. Thoughts are very slippery. As soon as you recognize that you are thinking about something, it will likely shift to some other topic.

Just notice the thoughts for a moment. Is there a pattern? Are you reliving the past? Are you worrying about or planning for the future? Are you present, right here, right now? What are you saying to yourself?

Check in with your spirit

The spirit can be thought of as the part of us that incorporates our emotions, personality, spirituality, etc. It is something different than the intellectual mind.

This is the part people are asking about when they really want to know how you are. So, how are you feeling? Can you identify an emotion or two that come up for you right now? How is your connection with your spirituality? How is your motivation level? What about your stress level?

What now?

Think about how you truly feel right now. Take a minute to acknowledge and accept your current state, whatever it may be.

Read the list of suggestions below and try one that you think might work for you.

If you are feeling down and need some energy

  • do some physical activity: jumping jacks, speed walking, wall push-ups
  • get a drink of water
  • switch to a more interesting activity
  • take a nap or commit to getting better quality sleep

If you are feeling stressed, frustrated, angry, etc.

  • try belly breathing: focus on filling the belly with air on each inhale, keep the exhale slow and smooth
  • try extended exhale breathing: inhale for a count of 4, then exhale for a count of 6 or 8, whatever is comfortable for you
  • visualize someone or something you love
  • take a walk
  • of course, making a to-do list might be a good idea too

If you are feeling “just right”

  • remember this feeling so that you can access it again in the future
  • take a moment to be grateful for feeling good
  • maintain your awareness of your body, mind, and spirit throughout the day so you can notice anything that pulls you out of this state

Please Share and Comment

Have you tried this method of checking in with the body, mind, and spirit? Do you have any other methods for checking in and raising self-awareness? How could you benefit from increasing your own level of self-awareness?

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Thoughts on Change

What is Dynamic Balance?

Dynamic balance is a term that is commonly used in physiology and mechanics. In the physical sense, it can be understood to mean that something is able to maintain balance while in motion or switching positions.

This can apply to the dynamic balance of a spinning top. It can also be seen in the dynamic balance of a yoga student standing on one leg in tree pose.

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When we break this term apart, we get two separate words with meanings of their own.

Dynamic (an adjective) – describes a process or system that is characterized by constant change, activity, or progress.

Balance (as a noun) – a condition in which different elements are in the correct proportions.

Balance (as a verb) – to keep or put something in a steady position so that it does not fall.

How does this relate to staying calm in the midst of chaos and change?

Applying the term dynamic balance to daily life, we come up with a system by which we keep ourselves in a steady state regardless of the chaos or change that is happening around us.

Sometimes staying steady is a good thing. Sometimes it’s not. With awareness and insight, you can determine when change is needed.

This site is dedicated to helping people understand the internal and external forces that can shift our balance.

There are simple tips, exercises, and questions that will allow you to see what keeps you balanced … and what might shift that balance in a more positive direction. You might decide that you like the state of balance that you are in. On the other hand, you might decide that you would like to shift the balance.

Maybe you want to find more peace and more freedom in your life. Maybe you will see the things you have been doing to hold yourself back from making the changes you truly want to make in your life.

Please Share and Comment

Are you interested in having more balance in your life? Can you see how it would benefit you to be able to stay calm and centered, even when things are shifting and spinning around you? What have you done to create more balance in your life?

 

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Thoughts on Change

Standing in Our Own Way

Sometimes things seem to spin out of control. But then, sometimes things seem to spin in perfect harmony. How do I (my perspective and my response) play a part in the outcome? It seems that we have much more control over how we interact with the world than most of us would like to admit. In fact, many times we are standing in the way of our own progress and happiness.

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Knowing What We Control

At work, many people come to me with concerns about situations that they (nor I) have much control over. What do I do? Well, as a good school psychologist and adult educator, I listen. I ask good questions to help them think through various aspects of the situation. Then, I wait for them to realize which part of the situation they can do something about.

Typically, the people I work with come up with brilliant ideas about how they can improve their part of the situation. The place they often get stuck is trying to get other people to change or do things their way. I’m guilty of this too. It’s just easier to see it in other people.

Changing What We Can

This means that we know which parts of a situation are within our control. It also means being able to clearly see how we are keeping ourselves from making positive changes. Sometimes we get stuck thinking about “what if…” or “yes, but…” and talk ourselves out of making changes.

There are psychologically based reasons that we do this. We could talk about cognitive dissonance, where our brains create weird equations to help us balance our beliefs and actions (including words). Or we could talk about the immunity to change where we unconsciously sabotage our change efforts in an attempt to protect ourselves from something.

Either way, we have to recognize and acknowledge what is standing between our current behavior and the change we know we need to make.

Letting Go Of The Rest

Once we recognize what we can control and figure out how we are standing in our own way, then we are free to come up with some logical next steps for our own personal change goal. We are still committed to correcting the situation by doing what we can do.

When we fully own our part we can let go of the desire to change others or get them to do things our way. We can free ourselves from the pressure to “save” the world.

The Dynamic Balance

Maybe it’s just me, but I would like to see everyone live a life that is happy, free, and balanced. But, that’s not the case for everyone, for many, many reasons. At this point in my life, I am honored to share what I know with those who want to make positive changes in their lives.

For those who want to keep spinning in circles, that’s their choice. The fact that there is a better way to live life is what gets me out of bed in the morning. It’s the reason I go to work every day. And, it’s the reason I continually remind myself that those who do not want to grow and change are not the people I am here to serve.

Please Share and Comment

Do you ever find yourself standing in your own way? Do you ever feel like you keep going in circles around the same problems? What benefit are you getting from repeating these same patterns? How do you get out of your own way?