Category: Awareness & Perception

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Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

When you assume, you make…

When you assume, you make…

We all know how that statement usually ends, but do you know why assumptions are so important to our daily lives? The assumptions we hold about ourselves, others, and the world can make or break our efforts to live an authentic life and be the best version of ourselves that we can be. These assumptions also serve as the support structure for our beliefs and values. Starting with our assumptions, we can effectively shift our beliefs and values to more successfully support our goals.

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Have you ever asked yourself why you keep doing things that don’t move you in the direction of your goals? Sometimes I find myself stuck in a cycle of thinking about what I should or shouldn’t be thinking or doing. Or worse, thinking about what others should or shouldn’t be doing. This may seem like a productive thing to do, but it actually drains all of the energy that I could be using to create the outcomes I want.

There are ways to keep moving in a positive direction, starting with understanding our faulty assumptions. Once we understand ourselves a little more, we can more easily choose to see things differently and respond in a more helpful, productive way.

“Should”s and “Shouldn’t”s: Faulty Assumptions 

Our past experiences help us develop assumptions about ourselves, others, and the world in general. Some of these assumptions are adaptive and helpful. For instance, many people have learned that they should get up and go to work each day. That is helpful because (in the best situations) work makes you feel good about your contribution to the world, encourages personal growth, and allows you to pay your bills. Other assumptions are not as helpful and actually keep us stuck in dysfunctional thought processes.

Media Messages

For example, let’s think about the media messages regarding what it means to be a woman in today’s world. We are taught that women should be beautiful (but make it look effortless), submissive (but be able to stand on our own), smart (but not smarter than others), compassionate (but hold ourselves to a standard of perfection), and employed (but also take care of the family and home). It is almost impossible to balance all of these shoulds and maintain any sense of being centered and calm, much less live from a place that feels authentic.

I am sure there are plenty of other shoulds that our young women today have internalized from the popular culture. You can probably think of a much longer list than this one. For example, my daughter “should” be a straight “A” student and a superstar athlete.

If like my daughter, you have tried to master several domains, you are aware of how difficult it can be to give 100% in every area of life. Learning who we are, living from our authentic self, and practicing self-compassion can help keep things in balance.

I don’t mean to leave out the men. I know they receive cultural messages and have internalized faulty assumptions too. If you are male or have important men in your life, you can probably recognize some of the shoulds that they are expected to uphold…men should be strong (but also sensitive), hardworking (but also available for the family), independent (but just needy enough to build relationships), and powerful (but also protective of others). Again, this balance is almost impossible without a stable base of self-knowledge from which to live an authentic life.

Family and Friends

These media messages aren’t the only place (or even the first place) where we learn cultural standards that can lead to faulty assumptions. We can also internalize them from our family and friends.

Some of these assumptions come from things we learned during our childhood. During the first few years of life, we are dependent on our parents for everything. Our parents are responsible for keeping us alive and teaching us how to interact with the world.

If we have parents who are responsive and caring, we tend to learn that the world is a safe place where our needs can be met. If on the other hand, we have parents who are abusive or neglectful, then we tend to learn that the world is not a safe place. We may even come to believe that we have to always keep our guard up or that everyone is out to get us.

I know that some psychologists have been criticized for blaming everything on parents, but there is no way around the fact that our parents are the primary influence during our early development. In fact, childhood trauma is highly correlated with mental health and physical health, even into adulthood.

I am not saying that we can blame all of our bad habits on our parents. What I am saying is that when we can recognize these influences, then we can take responsibility for our current thoughts and behaviors.

Moving beyond the early influence of parents, we also learn some of our assumptions from interacting with our friends and acquaintances.

Think about a time when you received praise for doing something well or achieving a major goal. Maybe you spent a lot of time and effort working on your physical beauty through eating healthy and exercising. If you were repeatedly praised for these improvements, you may have internalized the message that you should be beautiful or thin in order to be worthy of love (or praise, or admiration, or acceptance, etc.).

Testing Our Assumptions

Basing our worth on fulfilling faulty assumptions is a dangerous way to live. It’s also a very tentative way of understanding our place in the world. Without self-knowledge, we are floating in the wind, going whichever way the winds of life blow us. We are left without a stable base from which to interact with the world.

Exploring our assumptions is a good way to gain self-knowledge. If you want to explore your faulty assumptions, try watching your thought patterns and habitual behaviors in a specific area of your life. Pick one area that is not working well and explore your assumptions in that area. Ask yourself these questions:

  • What messages have I received from the media about this area of life?
  • What are my “should”s and “shouldn’t”s about myself, others, and the world?
  • Complete this statement: In order to be worthy, I should…
  • Complete this statement: In order to be worthy, I shouldn’t…
  • What childhood experiences might be related to these faulty assumptions?
  • Were there times in my life where these assumptions were helpful or protective?
  • Are there any patterns in my language that could reveal my assumptions? What do I repeatedly say to myself? What do I repeatedly say to others?
  • Are these assumptions always true?
  • Have there been times when I didn’t follow these assumptions? How did it work out?

Hopefully, these self-reflection questions will provide you with some insight about how your faulty assumptions are contributing to your current thoughts and behaviors.

If you need individual guidance, contact me.

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Awareness & Perception Mindfulness & Peacefulness

Being Gentle with Emotions

Is “sangry” a word? It depends on who you ask. My Gordon students and I decided that if “hangry” could be an adjective and “Google” could be a verb, then “sangry” should have a place at the table too. 

I needed this word a few days ago. I just could not figure out how I felt about a situation. Sometimes I witness situations that leave me feeling confused. This was one of those situations. Eventually, I decided that I was both sad and angry. 

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CDC and ACEs

A few years ago, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) studied the impact of adverse childhood events (ACEs) on health. So, what are these ACEs? In short, ACEs are traumatic events. The CDC looked at instances of physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, parental divorce, parental mental health, parental substance abuse, and parental incarceration. I think we could all agree that those would be considered traumatic events. Unfortunately, they are all too common.

Think about your own past. How many ACEs do you think you experienced growing up? If you are a teacher, think about the things that some of your more challenging students have experienced. Chances are, the ones who are the most difficult have experienced the most trauma through exposure to ACEs.

The CDC found that more than half of their sample experienced at least one ACE. Almost 25% had experienced three or more ACEs. They also found that people who experienced more ACEs also had more obesity, mental health issues, smoking, heart disease, liver disease, suicide attempts, and more.

ACEs and Thinking

When we are constantly exposed to traumatic experiences, our brains learn to operate in survival mode. Our amygdala is the part of the brain that is naturally alert to any sign of danger, but trauma exaggerates this natural protection response.

Think about the last time you were watching a scary movie. If someone touched you on your shoulder or knocked on the door, you probably jumped, or maybe you even screamed. Now, imagine if you walked around in that hyper-alert state all the time. That would make life a little more challenging, wouldn’t it?

Another challenge with operating in survival mode is that it diverts brain energy away from the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain that we use to think through things, plan our responses, monitor our behaviors, and delay gratification.

All of these functions are necessary to be successful in our daily lives. Unfortunately, when we are hijacked by the amygdala, our brains have a hard time doing anything besides focusing on keeping us safe and alive.

A Gentle Response

Knowing all this, how do we respond to people who are suffering from the effects of trauma or ACEs? Approaching the situation with gentleness seems like a good start.

Think about the last time you were upset, I mean really upset. Maybe you were very angry or frustrated or just extremely overwhelmed. Were you able to think rationally? Were you able to process the “if, then” statements or rational justifications from the people around you? Probably not. Most likely, you needed compassion first.

Being gentle with someone who is upset takes patience and compassion. In order to do this, we have to be able to take a step back and see the situation from their perspective. That’s not always easy to do, especially in the busyness of daily life. It can help to remember that they are probably confused, afraid, and extremely stressed.

Once the person is calm, then they can understand more rational logic. That’s when they can think about their actions and the consequences. While they are still upset, the only thing they can do is attempt to protect themselves, in whatever way they have learned. By balancing compassion and consequences, we can begin to help people move forward in a more resourceful manner.

So, from my perspective, my first goal when working with someone who is upset is to help them calm down. I will get on their level and ask them to breathe with me. I might even gently touch their hand or shoulder. I will definitely make sure my facial expression and tone of voice demonstrate compassion. Once they can think and speak clearly, I will use those fabulous active listening strategies. It takes a little extra effort to engage this way, but it’s worth it in the end.

 

 

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Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

Dynamic Values: Figuring Out What You Want

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It’s pretty easy to set a goal. There are strategies for how to set the best kind of SMART goals. There are even techniques for monitoring your progress. The hard part seems to be staying on track after the initial excitement and motivation wear off.

Linking Values and Goals

Figuring out what you really want can help you keep moving in the right direction. In my opinion, the best way to set a goal is to ask yourself why you want that outcome in the first place. For example, I could say that my goal is to meditate daily for 10 minutes for the next 30 days. Here’s how the internal dialogue would go…

Well, why do I want that? I want to relieve stress.

And, what would that do for me? I would be happier and more peaceful.

Why do I want to be happier and more peaceful? I want to show up as the best version of myself.

And, what is important about being the best version of me? I want to offer my best to those around me.

So, there we have it. The true value behind my goal is a combination of authenticity and contribution. Thinking about these values, I can agree that these are two of my core values. It is very important to me to live in accordance with who I truly am and to give something positive to those around me.

Living Your Values

Knowing why I really want to meditate can encourage me to do it, even when I might not feel like I have time. Linking your core values to your goals is one of the keys to maintaining motivation toward achieving your goals. You could even try writing your goals in a way that includes your values. For instance, I could say, “I will meditate 10 minutes a day because I value authenticity and contribution.”

Acknowledging my core values could also give me some other ideas about small changes that I could make to more fully live in accordance with these values. In fact, these values are part of the reason that I decided to write a blog. There are plenty of other ways to live out these core values.

So far, I have found that the more I live in accordance with my values, the happier and more fulfilled I feel. This is one of the strategies I used when trying to work through my weight loss journey.

Finding Your Values

There are tons of values inventories available online. Most of them encourage you to identify your core values for life in general. In working with people, it seems that their values are different in each area of life. If you are interested in exploring your values, I suggest starting with one area of your life. To ease into this, you could start with the area that is working well.

If you are the happiest and most fulfilled in your home life, think about what is important to you about your home life. What do you value the most in that setting or those relationships? Ask the “why” questions a couple of times until you get down to something that feels like a core value, which usually lies deep below the surface of your first stated value.

You could also do this same process for an area that is not working well. For instance, maybe your personal growth has stalled or your health is suffering. Thinking about what is important to you in these areas could reveal that you are not living in alignment with your core values. It could also provide you with small changes you could make to improve these areas of your life.

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Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

How Did You Lose All That Weight? Pt. 1 – Dynamic Beliefs

At least once a week, someone asks me how I lost so much weight. Just to be clear, I lost about 40 pounds over the course of a couple of months. Once I explain that I lost the weight over two years ago, they naturally want to know how I kept it off. These are usually quick conversations. I try to share the most relevant piece of the story for that person at that moment.

Losing 40 pounds may not seem like a lot to some people, but for me, the journey changed the way I see myself and the world around me. The next couple of posts will summarize my weight loss journey; however, I have to warn you, it was not an easy process until I found the right keys for me.

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My Beliefs About Weight

When you want to make any change, it is a good idea to decide what you believe about that thing. In general, we do things because they line up with our beliefs, whether we know it or not. Our beliefs and resulting behaviors typically function to protect us from something we don’t want or to help us get something we do want.

If you are trying to make a change, you will want to explore your beliefs and figure out how you benefit from that behavior. In my case, I believed that being overweight would protect me from unwanted male attention. If I wanted to justify my behavior, I could find many good reasons that this belief was protective. It took me a long time to realize that this was the major underlying belief that was sabotaging my efforts to lose weight.

Of course, there are other beliefs about weight, eating behavior, and health. For instance, some families value eating big meals together. If you show up for family dinner and only eat a few things, some family members may get offended. In an effort to be polite, we may eat for social reasons rather than health reasons.

I also believed that I could exercise enough to “work off” the consequences of bad food choices. Through education and experimentation, I learned that this is not true. Another dysfunctional belief was that low-fat foods were good for me. Wow, was I wrong!

The saddest belief was that I could motivate myself to “do right” by berating myself when I fell short of my desired goals or behaviors. That ended up putting me in a state of mind where I didn’t even want to try anymore. This self-criticism further eroded my self-image, specifically my body-image, making it easier to make excuses than to look for solutions. If this happens to you, check out the post about self-compassion.

There are also emotional reasons that people make unhealthy food choices. That was not necessarily one of my beliefs around food, but it is for many people. My closest example of this is that I find myself wanting high-carb foods when I am tired. I still believe that a quick hit of sugar will give me a brief burst of energy; however, I also know that there are consequences. In the moment, I might not have the mental energy to weigh the pros and cons of the inevitable consequences of the sugar crash.

Changing My Beliefs

After “yo-yo dieting” for my entire life, I finally found the work of Robert Kegan. I have written about his work before in the context of balancing challenge and support. In addition to that aspect of adult development, he also studies why we fail to make the changes we say we want to make. He has a name for this natural tendency: Immunity to Change.

The basic idea behind it is that we have hidden, competing beliefs or commitments that work against our expressed goal. These hidden beliefs, once brought to the light, perfectly explain the behaviors we engage in that sabotage our effort to change. I will write more about working through the Immunity to Change later, but for now, you can check out his website: Minds At Work.

In doing this work, I found that I no longer needed to hold on to extra weight to protect myself. I was able to reframe that belief in the context of my current life circumstances, skills, and abilities.

I also found that I didn’t really want to “lose weight.” What I really wanted was to “gain health.” That’s a powerful difference. It helped me because my previous weight loss efforts were focused on pushing away things I didn’t want. This new focus allowed me to explore and pursue what I really did want.

Assessing Your Own Beliefs

Once you do the work, you may find that you have different beliefs behind your behaviors around eating, exercise, and health. Whatever those beliefs are, it is important that you acknowledge and accept that they are your beliefs. You might even need to practice some self-compassion regarding the fact that you even have those beliefs in the first place.

A more simple version of the Immunity to Change process involves simply exploring the pros and cons of your current and desired behaviors. I am attaching a simple worksheet that will guide you through assessing your own inner conflict about making a change. You are welcome to print it out and ask yourself these questions. Balancing Pros and Cons

Knowing your beliefs is a great first step. Once you can find awareness, acknowledgment, and acceptance of these beliefs, you are in a good position to explore whether or not they are still true. They might be true. It is more likely that they are outdated and more extreme than what is necessary for your current life.

If you want to test your beliefs, just try doing the opposite. For me, I tested the belief that I need high-carb foods when I’m tired. I tried just avoiding that temptation by distracting myself. I tried replacing the high-carb food with a high-fat or high-protein snack. I also tried a brief meditation or short walk instead of the high-carb food. In my case, all of those turned out to be better options than letting my outdated belief guide my behavior.

There is much more to this story, but I’ve been told that my blogs tend to get a little long. In an effort to honor your time and attention, I will save the rest for later. Those who know me personally, know that I love to talk about nutrition, exercise, and sleep. In fact, I could talk about those things all day if someone would listen.

In the meantime, check out your own beliefs around food, exercise, and health. Try to work with one specific problematic behavior at a time. Ask yourself the questions on the Balancing Pros and Cons worksheet. Don’t rush to an answer. Ask the question, take a couple of deep breaths, and see what comes up.

Let me know how it goes.

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Awareness & Perception

The Gift of Active Listening

Who Doesn’t Like Free Gifts?

We have the ability to offer a very valuable (and free) gift to the people we care about. As you can see from the title, the gift I’m talking about is active listening. The act of truly listening to another person seems so simple, yet it doesn’t happen very often.

There are tons of reasons why we don’t really listen to others. Sometimes we get busy or we think we can multitask. Other times we may believe we are listening when, in reality, we are really planning what we are going to say next. I’m sure you can think of many more reasons.

I tend to think I am a pretty good listener. I’ve been trained in all of those wonderful counseling skills. However, I realized that I recently missed an opportunity to actively listen to a good friend.

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How to Tell if You’re Not Actively Listening

You know you’re not using active listening when you can’t clearly recall what the person said. Or maybe you realize that they stopped talking and you can’t think of anything relevant to say.

That’s what happened to me. The sad part is, I don’t even have a good excuse as to why I didn’t stop and listen. So, in an effort to correct my behavior, I’ve been paying extra attention to my listening habits.

The truth is, most people don’t even know that they’re not being good listeners. So, if you realize that you have this tendency, then you are well on your way to being a great active listener. However, this is a skill that you have to practice. And in my case, remind yourself to practice again.

You Can Learn to be an Active Listener

Imagine how your life would be different if you stopped what you were doing when someone decided that they needed to talk to you. How much better would your relationships be? How would this change your understanding of yourself?

If you’re interested, here are a few tips to improve your active listening.

  1. Practice monotasking: stop everything else and listen to the person.
  2. Make eye contact.
  3. If this person is unfamiliar to you, mirror their style of speech and mannerisms.
  4. Pay attention to keywords that they use.
  5. Ask questions to clarify what they said. Ask for examples.
  6. Repeat a part of what they said and ask another question.
  7. Ignore the urge to “fix” their problem. There is great value in sitting with a problem. Usually, if we wait long enough, people will solve their own problems.

For a funny video that shows what active listening is not, and why sometimes active listening is not the right strategy, check out It’s Not About The Nail.

Your Turn

Offering the gift of active listening is a natural thing to do, but it’s not normal in today’s society. Active listening can help you build relationships with adults and children, get to the root of problems, and come up with creative solutions. The best part is that it shows others that you genuinely care about them and what they have to say.

Can you see yourself practicing this skill over the next few days? What do you think will happen when you take the time to invest your attention in the people you care about? I wonder what positive results you might receive. As always, let me know how it goes.

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Awareness & Perception

It’s All About Perspective

Have you ever had one of those days where everything that could go “wrong,” does go wrong? Well, I have. In fact, I’ve had many of those days. But, I’ve also had days where everything seems to go “right.”

The other day I was having a conversation with a couple of people. We were trying to figure out the best way to get something done. From my perspective, all I really needed was a definition of what they wanted. A couple of examples and non-examples would have been icing on the cake.

As the conversation continued, I started to realize that we were going in circles. At that point, I knew I was not going to get the clear guidance that I was looking for. Then I thought about all of the other things I needed to be doing. I felt myself slipping into a well-known pattern of cynical disconnection. I don’t really like to operate that way, so I made a choice.

I chose to take a few deep breaths. Once I was a little more centered, I remembered the technique that you will read in a few minutes. I tried this little thought experiment and immediately felt much better. I was able to rejoin the conversation from a different perspective. Although my question did not get answered, I was still able to see the value of spending my time in this particular conversation.

I’m starting to see that maybe it’s not always the things around me that are going wrong or right. Maybe it’s my view of those things that makes the difference. Maybe wrong and right are really based on where you stand when you look at the situation.

Three Steps to Shifting Your Perspective

Be Aware

In order to shift your perspective, first you have to pay attention to the fact that you have a unique perspective. We all see the world through our own filters of past experiences and internalized beliefs.

If you believe you are secure and the world is a safe place, then you may see things through a lens of order and predictability. You might have a sense that everything will work out in the end or that everything happens for a reason.

If you have a history of unresolved trauma, you may see many events as dangerous or negative. You might sense that everyone is out to get you or that bad things always happen to you.

Your current physical and mental condition also impact the filter through which you view the world. If you are stressed or tired, things will look more negative. If you are happy and nourished, things will look more positive. Knowing how you see the world will help you begin to determine if what you are seeing is truly reality or some skewed version based on your filters.

Knowing how you see the world will help you begin to determine if what you are seeing is truly reality or some skewed version based on your filters.

Another thing to be aware of is your triggers. Most people have things that trigger defensive, unproductive responses. These triggers could be situations, people, smells, visuals, etc. In the example above, my trigger was the feeling that I was wasting my time, which I believe is a valuable resource.

You want to learn your triggers because knowing what they are and how they effect you gives you more options. With awareness, you can more easily choose how to respond.

Be Curious

Once you are aware of your perspective, then you can start exploring it. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • How did I come to see the world this way?
  • Does this remind me of something in my past?
  • Is this a pattern for me?
  • Is there another way to see this situation?

If you are having a moment, you know, the kind where everything is horrible, just think of something unique. You could imagine what the world would look like if you saw everything upside down. You could also visualize the most curiously creative animal you can imagine. For me, in the conversation I talked about earlier, a purple elephant with green wings was the visual that came to mind.

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The goal here is to shift the energy in your brain away from the limbic system and back to the prefrontal cortex. Without going into the neuropsychology behind it, this simple thought experiment will allow your brain to calm down for a minute. Of course, you could also try some deep breathing or meditation.

Be Open

The last step is very simple. Just try to be open to seeing things from a different perspective. Think about how someone else, with a different past, or different resources, might view the situation.

As you practice recognizing your perspective, you will learn how to easily shift into a more desired state of mind. Being open to exploring your own thoughts and reactions will naturally lead to more awareness and more choice.

Please Share and Comment

Have you noticed how easy it is to get stuck seeing the world through your own filters? Imagine what your life would be like if you could recognize the past experiences and internal beliefs that inform your view of the world? What if you could identify and neutralize some of your triggers? Well, you can. It just takes some practice.

If you found this practice helpful, share it with your friends.

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Awareness & Perception

Balancing Challenge and Support

Do you ever wonder why people do the things they do? In observing leaders, I have seen that the people who understand these ideas are able to effectively influence and lead a wide variety of people.

I’m sure you have questions of your own, but here are a few of the things that I wonder about. Why don’t people think for themselves instead of following the crowd or the media messages? Why don’t some parents show up for parent-teacher conferences? Why don’t many college students embrace self-directed learning? Why don’t all professionals engage in self-reflective practice? Why don’t professional development efforts focus on transformational learning rather than informational learning? You can find research saying that people should be doing these things, but research doesn’t always translate into practice.

Maybe we can learn to challenge and support the people around us in a more balanced way. Maybe we are all doing the best we can, based on our own understanding of the world. Is it possible that, just like children, adults are still learning how to navigate the world?

Children are fascinating. Their brains take in a large amount of information that they really have no pre-determined concepts for. Have you ever watched a little child who is just learning about animals? At first, they learn that a common four-legged animal is a dog. Then, they come across other four-legged animals and assume (rightfully so, based on their experiences) that these are also dogs.

As responsible adults, we correct them and tell them the correct name of each animal. Eventually, they learn what belongs in the category of “dog” and what does not. This is the process of assimilation and accommodation.

When children call a horse a dog, we think it’s cute, sweet, and innocent. When adults make similar judgments, also based on their current understanding of the world, we don’t think it’s very cute.

We tend to think adults should know things. Right? Some things are just common sense. Well, that’s not necessarily true. People see the world through their own unique blend of past experiences, relationships, and internalized categories.

We all do and say things based on how we understand the world. If we become curious about how other people see the world, maybe we can find more meaningful ways to connect and support.

A few years ago, I found the work of Robert Kegan. His research on adult development showed me a whole new way to view the reasons that people do the things they do.

Orders of Consciousness

Kegan

It’s All About Me – 2nd Order Consciousness

People who operate from this perspective are defined by their point of view, needs, and wants. They are able to recognize that others have needs and wants, but they cannot necessarily make decisions based on processing that one set of needs comes before the other. They do not recognize that they control their perspective. They tend to make decisions based on social perceptions, their own perceptions of situations, and impulses. Long-term planning and consequences are not heavily weighed.

How do you support people who are operating from this perspective?

  • provide non-judgmental assistance
  • ensure that the rules are fair
  • advocate for their needs
  • help them navigate complex systems
  • provide concrete information with real-life examples

We’ve Always Done It This Way – 3rd Order Consciousness

People who operate from this perspective are defined by their interpersonal relationships. They make decisions based on how it will impact their relationships with others. They are able to understand abstract concepts. These people can recognize and are impacted by their inner states; however, they are not yet able to modify their inner states or analyze their preferences. They tend to understand things from different points of view; however, there is still an emphasis on their perception being the right way of doing something. There is a focus on following rules, traditions, and norms.

How do you support people who are operating from this perspective?

  • encourage them to think about the reasons for their thoughts and feelings
  • show them that what needs to be done will benefit the people they care about
  • challenge them to see things from a different perspective
  • encourage journal-writing and self-reflection
  • help them see how new policies or procedures fit into the existing system

I Wonder What Would Happen If… – 4th Order Consciousness

People who operate from this perspective are defined by abstract systems, theories, or ideologies. They are able to recognize multiple relationships and roles within the social structure. They can reflect on their own actions and modify future behavior to achieve desired results. They tend to make decisions based on their consistency with an over-arching theory or ideology. They tend to think more along the lines of systems of interactions.

How do you support people who are operating from this perspective?

  • provide them with opportunities to explore how systems interact
  • encourage them to engage in ongoing self-reflection
  • help them figure out how to explain their thoughts to people who do not see the world through interrelated systems
  • convince them that what needs to be done fits within their existing beliefs
  • remind them that one order of consciousness is not better than another

Personal Application

There are many benefits to recognizing that people operate from different orders of consciousness.

  • We recognize that some things we expect people to do are not within their current ability.
  • We figure out what support people need in order to meet the challenges of daily life.
  • We develop more empathy and compassion for others.
  • We can create a wider variety of approaches for supporting others.
  • We learn that our way is only one way to see the world.
  • We find ways to continue our own personal development.

Please Share and Comment

Which order of consciousness best describes the way you interact with the world? Did you think of certain people who fit into the other two categories? Can you see how this information might be helpful in your life?

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Awareness & Perception

How Are You Doing?

It’s common to walk past someone and say, “Hey, how are you?” Usually, we just keep walking without even waiting for an answer. I wonder if we ever ask ourselves how we are doing. When we do ask, do we stop to receive the answer?

Developing self-awareness will help you begin to recognize the things in your life that don’t serve your highest goals. Self-awareness will also alert you to subtle changes in your body, mind, and spirit before they become big problems. Ultimately, raising your awareness allows you to have more choices about how you will respond to anything in your life.

Over the past 15 years, I have been experimenting with different methods for raising awareness. I am much more aware now that I was back then, but I realize that it’s a life-long process. The best part is that once you learn the process, it typically takes less than a minute to check in with yourself. After a while, checking in with yourself will become a new habit. As one of my daughter’s favorite softball coaches, Megan Gant, says, “trust the process.”

When do you need to check in with yourself?

  • Right now!
  • Anytime you notice any intense emotions
  • Between tasks
  • At the red light or stop sign
  • Before any potentially stressful situation
  • Anytime you think about it

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Checking In

Check in with your body

Take a moment to notice your breathing. How does it feel? Is your breathing slow and deep or rapid and shallow? Do you notice the breath moving in and out of your nose? Do you notice your chest or stomach rising and falling with each breath?

Go through a quick scan of your body. Starting with your toes, bring your attention to each part of your body, all the way up to the top of your head. Did you notice any areas of tension? Are your shoulders tense or relaxed? How does your stomach feel? Are you holding any unnecessary tension anywhere in your body?

Check in with your mind

Noticing what you are thinking about is an interesting skill that seems to take some practice. Thoughts are very slippery. As soon as you recognize that you are thinking about something, it will likely shift to some other topic.

Just notice the thoughts for a moment. Is there a pattern? Are you reliving the past? Are you worrying about or planning for the future? Are you present, right here, right now? What are you saying to yourself?

Check in with your spirit

The spirit can be thought of as the part of us that incorporates our emotions, personality, spirituality, etc. It is something different than the intellectual mind.

This is the part people are asking about when they really want to know how you are. So, how are you feeling? Can you identify an emotion or two that come up for you right now? How is your connection with your spirituality? How is your motivation level? What about your stress level?

What now?

Think about how you truly feel right now. Take a minute to acknowledge and accept your current state, whatever it may be.

Read the list of suggestions below and try one that you think might work for you.

If you are feeling down and need some energy

  • do some physical activity: jumping jacks, speed walking, wall push-ups
  • get a drink of water
  • switch to a more interesting activity
  • take a nap or commit to getting better quality sleep

If you are feeling stressed, frustrated, angry, etc.

  • try belly breathing: focus on filling the belly with air on each inhale, keep the exhale slow and smooth
  • try extended exhale breathing: inhale for a count of 4, then exhale for a count of 6 or 8, whatever is comfortable for you
  • visualize someone or something you love
  • take a walk
  • of course, making a to-do list might be a good idea too

If you are feeling “just right”

  • remember this feeling so that you can access it again in the future
  • take a moment to be grateful for feeling good
  • maintain your awareness of your body, mind, and spirit throughout the day so you can notice anything that pulls you out of this state

Please Share and Comment

Have you tried this method of checking in with the body, mind, and spirit? Do you have any other methods for checking in and raising self-awareness? How could you benefit from increasing your own level of self-awareness?