Tag: self-awareness

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Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

Dynamic Values: Figuring Out What You Want

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It’s pretty easy to set a goal. There are strategies for how to set the best kind of SMART goals. There are even techniques for monitoring your progress. The hard part seems to be staying on track after the initial excitement and motivation wear off.

Linking Values and Goals

Figuring out what you really want can help you keep moving in the right direction. In my opinion, the best way to set a goal is to ask yourself why you want that outcome in the first place. For example, I could say that my goal is to meditate daily for 10 minutes for the next 30 days. Here’s how the internal dialogue would go…

Well, why do I want that? I want to relieve stress.

And, what would that do for me? I would be happier and more peaceful.

Why do I want to be happier and more peaceful? I want to show up as the best version of myself.

And, what is important about being the best version of me? I want to offer my best to those around me.

So, there we have it. The true value behind my goal is a combination of authenticity and contribution. Thinking about these values, I can agree that these are two of my core values. It is very important to me to live in accordance with who I truly am and to give something positive to those around me.

Living Your Values

Knowing why I really want to meditate can encourage me to do it, even when I might not feel like I have time. Linking your core values to your goals is one of the keys to maintaining motivation toward achieving your goals. You could even try writing your goals in a way that includes your values. For instance, I could say, “I will meditate 10 minutes a day because I value authenticity and contribution.”

Acknowledging my core values could also give me some other ideas about small changes that I could make to more fully live in accordance with these values. In fact, these values are part of the reason that I decided to write a blog. There are plenty of other ways to live out these core values.

So far, I have found that the more I live in accordance with my values, the happier and more fulfilled I feel. This is one of the strategies I used when trying to work through my weight loss journey.

Finding Your Values

There are tons of values inventories available online. Most of them encourage you to identify your core values for life in general. In working with people, it seems that their values are different in each area of life. If you are interested in exploring your values, I suggest starting with one area of your life. To ease into this, you could start with the area that is working well.

If you are the happiest and most fulfilled in your home life, think about what is important to you about your home life. What do you value the most in that setting or those relationships? Ask the “why” questions a couple of times until you get down to something that feels like a core value, which usually lies deep below the surface of your first stated value.

You could also do this same process for an area that is not working well. For instance, maybe your personal growth has stalled or your health is suffering. Thinking about what is important to you in these areas could reveal that you are not living in alignment with your core values. It could also provide you with small changes you could make to improve these areas of your life.

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Thoughts on Change

Do your routines have you stuck in a rut?

What is the difference between a routine and a rut? From my perspective, a routine is a productive way to accomplish a common task. The word rut brings up feelings of being stuck in an unproductive habit. The good news is that we can use our knowledge of routines to figure out how to get out of a rut.

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Productive Routines

A routine can be thought of as a standard procedure or practice that is done on a regular basis. Think of your morning routine. What sounds or sights do you wake up to in the morning? What is the first thing you do after you open your eyes? You could go through the entire sequence of your morning step-by-step because it is most likely an unconscious set of programmed, sequenced actions.

There can be great value in having productive routines. For many of us, the morning routine has been refined to the point that it serves as a seamless way to get the family out the door without much hassle. Without our morning routine, my family might not make it to school on time. Even if we did make it on time, we would most likely not be in the most resourceful mental state.

Sometimes the routine doesn’t work. Maybe there was an extra early morning meeting that shifted our schedule back a few minutes. Or maybe one of the children forgot to do their homework the night before. In any case, when the routine is off, the day can start off a little rough. Recognizing this disruption in our routine and working together to get back on track can stop the cycle before things get worse.

If you can, take a minute to think through your morning routine. Are there things that might need to be shifted to make your morning a little more pleasant? Would getting up a few minutes earlier help you get your day started off on the right track? With a little attention and awareness, you can figure out how your routines may need to be shifted.

You can apply this same idea to any other routines you engage in throughout the day. Maybe you have a routine around entering your workplace, eating or not eating lunch, accomplishing your work tasks, going grocery shopping, or going to bed at night. Anything that you do on a fairly regular basis is accomplished by unconsciously activating the routine you have taught yourself for that task.

Unproductive Ruts

Habits can also be thought of as routines, but typically they feel more like ruts. What’s the difference between a routine and a rut? According to dictionary.com, a rut is a habit or pattern of behavior that has become dull and unproductive but is hard to change. That sounds about right to me.

When you repeatedly respond to situations in the same way, then you have taught yourself a routine. You can break this routine down in the same way that you broke down the steps in your morning routine. Just start with the habit and work backward. Ask yourself, what happened before I did that? Keep going until you can figure out your routine or unconscious procedure for getting to engaging in the habit.

For example, if you have a habit of getting angry when someone cuts you off in traffic, you can work backward to figure out how you actually manage to get angry. Something happens before you yell or blow the horn. What is that process for you? Visualize that person cutting you off. What do you see, hear, and feel? What comes first, the thought that you are going to yell at this person or the act of yelling? Do you feel anything in your body? Do you feel any tension in your shoulders, chest, or stomach? Can you notice a place in the routine where you could make a different choice? Knowing your own routine for getting upset in traffic gives you the choice of whether or not you want to continue that routine or change it.

Getting Out of the Rut

This process works with road rage, but it also works with other habits too. Think about a simple habit that you want to change. Imagine yourself engaging in that habit. See, hear, and feel what is happening when you engage in that habit that you think you want to change. Also, notice the consequences of that habit.

Mentally take yourself back in time a few minutes and play the scene leading up to engaging in that habit. See, hear, and feel what is happening around you and in your mind and body in the minutes before. Notice if there are any places in your routine where you can make a slight shift or insert a pause.

Mentally rehearse the modified routine a couple of times to see if maybe you can come up with a different outcome to your unproductive routine. The next time you are in that situation, see if you come up with a different response. Just noticing the unproductive routine and taking a brief pause is a good start.

Changing a long-standing pattern of behavior takes time. Be patient with yourself. Accept that some days will be better than others. It’s important to know that what you do does not define who you are. Recognizing what you need and accepting yourself where you are might be all you need to do right now.

 

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Balanced Nutrition

How Did You Lose All That Weight? Pt. 2 – Balanced Nutrition

Did you know that successful weight loss is primarily a result of what you eat? I used to think that exercise was the key, but I was wrong. I’m not saying that we don’t need to exercise. In fact, balanced exercise is vital to overall health. What I am saying is that it is extremely hard, if not impossible, to exercise enough to work off a habit of making unhealthy food choices. Not to mention the fact that when you eat junk you don’t really have the energy to exercise.

If you didn’t read Part 1 of this series, it would probably be in your best interest to read that one first. It covers the importance of our beliefs about food, exercise, and health. Without understanding your beliefs, any behavior change is likely to fail.

According to Robert Kegan’s research, and my experience, we will unconsciously sabotage our own efforts to prove that our underlying beliefs are correct. So, it’s best to figure out why you are doing something before you try to change it.

Keep It Simple

One of my favorite food journalists is Michael Pollan. In The Omnivore’s Dilemma, he offers three guidelines for eating: “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.” He goes on to provide a filter through which we can consider our food choices: “Don’t eat anything your great-grandmother wouldn’t recognize as food.” That seems pretty simple until you try to put it into practice.

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So, what does this mean in today’s fast-paced, microwaved, super-sized world? It means that if we are going to eat healthy foods that nourish our body, mind, and spirit, we need to take a step back.  In order to make healthy food choices, we need to allow ourselves the mental space and time to consider what our bodies really need. You may even need to start planning and preparing your meals in advance.

For those who are interested, my daily eating habits typically include Bulletproof coffee (with butter and MCT oil), vegetables, meat, nuts, and a little fruit. That’s about it. I still enjoy eating out occasionally, but I try to stick with low-carb options.

If you are trying to lose weight, I suggest that you temporarily reduce the amount of fruit. If you do eat fruit, then stick with berries.

Experiment and Personalize

Figure out what works for your body. There is no “one-size-fits-all” eating plan. Here are some general areas to consider when you begin to experiment with your own eating style.

Macronutrient Ratios

This refers to the balance between carbohydrates, protein, and fat. The basic advice you will usually receive is to eat 45-65% of your calories in carbohydrates, 10-35% in protein, and 20-35% in fat. That might work for you, but it did not work for me.

I found that I could easily lose weight if my carbohydrate intake was less than 75 grams per day. For me,  that is typically 20-25% of my daily calories. I discovered this by systematically adjusting my diet and tracking my weight to see how different ratios impacted weight loss or gain. At one point, I started adding more carbohydrates to stop losing weight!

Over the years, I have discovered that many people lose weight on a lower carbohydrate diet. This does not mean that you should eat 75 grams of carbohydrates per day. What it does mean is that you should begin to track your food intake and weight to see what your body needs.

Inflammatory Foods

There have been studies linking chronic inflammation to diabetes, obesity, heart disease, and mental health conditions, among other problems. If you can avoid foods that lead to inflammation, it makes sense to do that for your weight as well as your overall health.

Some common inflammatory foods are sugar, vegetable-based cooking oils, trans fats, alcohol, dairy, and refined grains. Many people respond negatively to these foods, but there are also individual food sensitivities and allergies to consider.

For instance, I am sensitive to gluten. When I eat food containing gluten I wake up the next day with puffy eyes, swollen hands, and a stuffy nose. Time and time again, this is what I have found.

Do you know what foods you are sensitive to? Tracking your food and watching your responses is a great way to learn more about the right foods for your body. If you want a more stringent strategy, you might try a 30-day elimination diet.

Timing of Meals

There has been a lot of advice in the media about eating several small meals a day or only eating during a certain window of time (intermittent fasting). I’m not here to tell you that either one is better. From what I have seen, both strategies (as well as the traditional three meals a day) can work.

The main thing to consider is whether or not you are actually hungry. If you are hungry, then you should eat something. The tricky part is knowing if you are hungry. Before you decide to eat something, just take a minute to check in with yourself. If you decide that you are hungry, think about what you really want to eat rather than just grabbing something convenient.

It is also important to stop eating when you are full. Eat a little more slowly so that you can notice when the food no longer tastes amazing. Or maybe you can even notice the beginning sensations of food entering your stomach. In order to do these things, you have to begin paying attention to the signals that your body is sending you.

Technology Can Help

There are several technology tools that we can use to keep us on track. Here are a few of my favorites:

  • MyFitnessPal: Many people use this simple app to track what they eat. I also use it to track my weight. It will allow you to print a graph of your weight and macronutrients over a certain period of time. This function allowed me to figure out the right macronutrient ratio for my body.
  • GymPact: This app serves as an accountability partner. You set your weekly goals for getting exercise, logging food, and eating vegetables. If you reach your goals, you get paid. If you fail to reach your goals, you have to pay. We are talking about real money here.  I use this on and off, just to keep myself accountable.
  • Fitbit: My favorite feature is the sleep tracking function. It has helped me figure out how much sleep I need to feel my best. Sleep is another one of those factors that can make or break your weight loss efforts, so it’s pretty important.

Please Share and Comment

Of course, this post is a little long. It is one of my favorite subjects and there is so much more that could be added. I hope this has been beneficial. Try some of the strategies for personalizing your own diet. Remember to document what you are doing and track your progress. That is the only way to know if it is working for you.

As always, let me know how it goes.

 

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Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

How Did You Lose All That Weight? Pt. 1 – Dynamic Beliefs

At least once a week, someone asks me how I lost so much weight. Just to be clear, I lost about 40 pounds over the course of a couple of months. Once I explain that I lost the weight over two years ago, they naturally want to know how I kept it off. These are usually quick conversations. I try to share the most relevant piece of the story for that person at that moment.

Losing 40 pounds may not seem like a lot to some people, but for me, the journey changed the way I see myself and the world around me. The next couple of posts will summarize my weight loss journey; however, I have to warn you, it was not an easy process until I found the right keys for me.

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My Beliefs About Weight

When you want to make any change, it is a good idea to decide what you believe about that thing. In general, we do things because they line up with our beliefs, whether we know it or not. Our beliefs and resulting behaviors typically function to protect us from something we don’t want or to help us get something we do want.

If you are trying to make a change, you will want to explore your beliefs and figure out how you benefit from that behavior. In my case, I believed that being overweight would protect me from unwanted male attention. If I wanted to justify my behavior, I could find many good reasons that this belief was protective. It took me a long time to realize that this was the major underlying belief that was sabotaging my efforts to lose weight.

Of course, there are other beliefs about weight, eating behavior, and health. For instance, some families value eating big meals together. If you show up for family dinner and only eat a few things, some family members may get offended. In an effort to be polite, we may eat for social reasons rather than health reasons.

I also believed that I could exercise enough to “work off” the consequences of bad food choices. Through education and experimentation, I learned that this is not true. Another dysfunctional belief was that low-fat foods were good for me. Wow, was I wrong!

The saddest belief was that I could motivate myself to “do right” by berating myself when I fell short of my desired goals or behaviors. That ended up putting me in a state of mind where I didn’t even want to try anymore. This self-criticism further eroded my self-image, specifically my body-image, making it easier to make excuses than to look for solutions. If this happens to you, check out the post about self-compassion.

There are also emotional reasons that people make unhealthy food choices. That was not necessarily one of my beliefs around food, but it is for many people. My closest example of this is that I find myself wanting high-carb foods when I am tired. I still believe that a quick hit of sugar will give me a brief burst of energy; however, I also know that there are consequences. In the moment, I might not have the mental energy to weigh the pros and cons of the inevitable consequences of the sugar crash.

Changing My Beliefs

After “yo-yo dieting” for my entire life, I finally found the work of Robert Kegan. I have written about his work before in the context of balancing challenge and support. In addition to that aspect of adult development, he also studies why we fail to make the changes we say we want to make. He has a name for this natural tendency: Immunity to Change.

The basic idea behind it is that we have hidden, competing beliefs or commitments that work against our expressed goal. These hidden beliefs, once brought to the light, perfectly explain the behaviors we engage in that sabotage our effort to change. I will write more about working through the Immunity to Change later, but for now, you can check out his website: Minds At Work.

In doing this work, I found that I no longer needed to hold on to extra weight to protect myself. I was able to reframe that belief in the context of my current life circumstances, skills, and abilities.

I also found that I didn’t really want to “lose weight.” What I really wanted was to “gain health.” That’s a powerful difference. It helped me because my previous weight loss efforts were focused on pushing away things I didn’t want. This new focus allowed me to explore and pursue what I really did want.

Assessing Your Own Beliefs

Once you do the work, you may find that you have different beliefs behind your behaviors around eating, exercise, and health. Whatever those beliefs are, it is important that you acknowledge and accept that they are your beliefs. You might even need to practice some self-compassion regarding the fact that you even have those beliefs in the first place.

A more simple version of the Immunity to Change process involves simply exploring the pros and cons of your current and desired behaviors. I am attaching a simple worksheet that will guide you through assessing your own inner conflict about making a change. You are welcome to print it out and ask yourself these questions. Balancing Pros and Cons

Knowing your beliefs is a great first step. Once you can find awareness, acknowledgment, and acceptance of these beliefs, you are in a good position to explore whether or not they are still true. They might be true. It is more likely that they are outdated and more extreme than what is necessary for your current life.

If you want to test your beliefs, just try doing the opposite. For me, I tested the belief that I need high-carb foods when I’m tired. I tried just avoiding that temptation by distracting myself. I tried replacing the high-carb food with a high-fat or high-protein snack. I also tried a brief meditation or short walk instead of the high-carb food. In my case, all of those turned out to be better options than letting my outdated belief guide my behavior.

There is much more to this story, but I’ve been told that my blogs tend to get a little long. In an effort to honor your time and attention, I will save the rest for later. Those who know me personally, know that I love to talk about nutrition, exercise, and sleep. In fact, I could talk about those things all day if someone would listen.

In the meantime, check out your own beliefs around food, exercise, and health. Try to work with one specific problematic behavior at a time. Ask yourself the questions on the Balancing Pros and Cons worksheet. Don’t rush to an answer. Ask the question, take a couple of deep breaths, and see what comes up.

Let me know how it goes.

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Mindfulness & Peacefulness Thoughts on Change

We all Miss the Mark

Do you know anyone who constantly criticizes themselves for not being perfect? You know, that person who always has to do everything right. If they make one mistake, they spend the next few days beating themselves up. I used to be one of those people. I began to realize that perfect was unattainable when I started teaching yoga. In fact, I still can’t do a headstand. But, practicing the headstand taught me that it was ok to fall and get back up again.

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I’ve been reading some research articles by Dr. Kristin Neff. She has spent her career studying self-compassion. You can find a free self-compassion test on her website. This post is my attempt to summarize her ideas and provide some practical tips.

Self-compassion is understood to have three components: an awareness of personal suffering, the recognition that we are all human, and the ability to offer comfort to ourselves. If you are self-critical, tend to get stuck in fear of failure, relive bad decisions that you made, or have thoughts about never being enough, the practice of self-compassion might be just what you need.

We all Experience Suffering

In my opinion, the first step is the hardest. For some reason, we tend to think that beating ourselves up will motivate us to do better next time. This is simply not true. In fact, it actually creates an extra barrier to our progress.

In order to experience self-compassion, we have to recognize that we are suffering and in need of compassion. Many times we fall short of our ideals, fail to reach our goals, or somehow miss the mark. Instead of recognizing that we are suffering, we begin to criticize ourselves.

You may not even recognize this self-criticism because it seems like such a natural thing to do. It might include things like, “I can’t believe I…,” “I shouldn’t have…, “I can’t ever…,” or “I always….” You might even find yourself repeatedly reliving the event or situation in your mind.

If you’ve been meditating and developed a basic level of mindfulness, you might catch this negative self-talk before it gets any worse. If not, you might end up saying things to yourself that you would never say to your worst enemy.

We are all Human

Once you can identify that you are suffering, then you have a choice of how to respond. You can choose to focus on your own suffering, believing that you are the only person in the world who has experienced this problem or you can choose a different perspective.

You can remind yourself that other people have experienced this before. In fact, other people are probably going through a similar problem right now. We are all flawed humans. No one is perfect. No matter what the outside image portrays, everyone faces challenges.

We all Deserve Compassion

Being compassionate toward others seems so easy. We see a person suffering, we recognize their pain, and we have some desire to relieve it. The sad truth is that many people who offer compassion to others fail to offer that same compassion to themselves.

Being compassionate towards ourselves is a very different story. For some reason, we seem to hold ourselves to a higher standard than we hold other people. If a friend makes a mistake, we offer understanding, comfort, and encouragement. Wouldn’t it be great if we could offer those same things to ourselves?

It’s really very simple. Just think of yourself as you would think of someone you love. Shift your self-talk from criticizing to comforting. Admit that you are suffering. Acknowledge the hurt, stress, discomfort, fear, pain, anger, etc. Whatever the emotion is, acknowledge it. Name it and feel it. Sit with the emotion instead of running from it or blaming someone else.

Once you can acknowledge and accept the emotion, then you are ready to offer yourself some love. Tell yourself that you are human. Remind yourself that we all make mistakes. Check in with yourself and ask what you need right now. Encourage yourself to try again. You could even put your hands over your heart or give yourself a hug.

The emotional freedom technique (EFT), created by Gary Craig, also helps to encourage self-compassion. It always begins with some version of this statement: “Even though I have this (pain, emotion, memory), I deeply and completely accept myself.”

Benefits of Self-Compassion

Having compassion for yourself will not erase the past or remove the natural consequences of your actions. What it will do is relieve you of the extra burden of continuing to punish yourself.

Self-compassion is related to increased life satisfaction, motivation, and happiness. It is also related to decreased stress, depression, and perfectionism. Those sound like worthy outcomes to me. It seems like it would make sense to practice self-compassion the next time we miss the mark.

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Awareness & Perception

The Gift of Active Listening

Who Doesn’t Like Free Gifts?

We have the ability to offer a very valuable (and free) gift to the people we care about. As you can see from the title, the gift I’m talking about is active listening. The act of truly listening to another person seems so simple, yet it doesn’t happen very often.

There are tons of reasons why we don’t really listen to others. Sometimes we get busy or we think we can multitask. Other times we may believe we are listening when, in reality, we are really planning what we are going to say next. I’m sure you can think of many more reasons.

I tend to think I am a pretty good listener. I’ve been trained in all of those wonderful counseling skills. However, I realized that I recently missed an opportunity to actively listen to a good friend.

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How to Tell if You’re Not Actively Listening

You know you’re not using active listening when you can’t clearly recall what the person said. Or maybe you realize that they stopped talking and you can’t think of anything relevant to say.

That’s what happened to me. The sad part is, I don’t even have a good excuse as to why I didn’t stop and listen. So, in an effort to correct my behavior, I’ve been paying extra attention to my listening habits.

The truth is, most people don’t even know that they’re not being good listeners. So, if you realize that you have this tendency, then you are well on your way to being a great active listener. However, this is a skill that you have to practice. And in my case, remind yourself to practice again.

You Can Learn to be an Active Listener

Imagine how your life would be different if you stopped what you were doing when someone decided that they needed to talk to you. How much better would your relationships be? How would this change your understanding of yourself?

If you’re interested, here are a few tips to improve your active listening.

  1. Practice monotasking: stop everything else and listen to the person.
  2. Make eye contact.
  3. If this person is unfamiliar to you, mirror their style of speech and mannerisms.
  4. Pay attention to keywords that they use.
  5. Ask questions to clarify what they said. Ask for examples.
  6. Repeat a part of what they said and ask another question.
  7. Ignore the urge to “fix” their problem. There is great value in sitting with a problem. Usually, if we wait long enough, people will solve their own problems.

For a funny video that shows what active listening is not, and why sometimes active listening is not the right strategy, check out It’s Not About The Nail.

Your Turn

Offering the gift of active listening is a natural thing to do, but it’s not normal in today’s society. Active listening can help you build relationships with adults and children, get to the root of problems, and come up with creative solutions. The best part is that it shows others that you genuinely care about them and what they have to say.

Can you see yourself practicing this skill over the next few days? What do you think will happen when you take the time to invest your attention in the people you care about? I wonder what positive results you might receive. As always, let me know how it goes.

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Awareness & Perception

It’s All About Perspective

Have you ever had one of those days where everything that could go “wrong,” does go wrong? Well, I have. In fact, I’ve had many of those days. But, I’ve also had days where everything seems to go “right.”

The other day I was having a conversation with a couple of people. We were trying to figure out the best way to get something done. From my perspective, all I really needed was a definition of what they wanted. A couple of examples and non-examples would have been icing on the cake.

As the conversation continued, I started to realize that we were going in circles. At that point, I knew I was not going to get the clear guidance that I was looking for. Then I thought about all of the other things I needed to be doing. I felt myself slipping into a well-known pattern of cynical disconnection. I don’t really like to operate that way, so I made a choice.

I chose to take a few deep breaths. Once I was a little more centered, I remembered the technique that you will read in a few minutes. I tried this little thought experiment and immediately felt much better. I was able to rejoin the conversation from a different perspective. Although my question did not get answered, I was still able to see the value of spending my time in this particular conversation.

I’m starting to see that maybe it’s not always the things around me that are going wrong or right. Maybe it’s my view of those things that makes the difference. Maybe wrong and right are really based on where you stand when you look at the situation.

Three Steps to Shifting Your Perspective

Be Aware

In order to shift your perspective, first you have to pay attention to the fact that you have a unique perspective. We all see the world through our own filters of past experiences and internalized beliefs.

If you believe you are secure and the world is a safe place, then you may see things through a lens of order and predictability. You might have a sense that everything will work out in the end or that everything happens for a reason.

If you have a history of unresolved trauma, you may see many events as dangerous or negative. You might sense that everyone is out to get you or that bad things always happen to you.

Your current physical and mental condition also impact the filter through which you view the world. If you are stressed or tired, things will look more negative. If you are happy and nourished, things will look more positive. Knowing how you see the world will help you begin to determine if what you are seeing is truly reality or some skewed version based on your filters.

Knowing how you see the world will help you begin to determine if what you are seeing is truly reality or some skewed version based on your filters.

Another thing to be aware of is your triggers. Most people have things that trigger defensive, unproductive responses. These triggers could be situations, people, smells, visuals, etc. In the example above, my trigger was the feeling that I was wasting my time, which I believe is a valuable resource.

You want to learn your triggers because knowing what they are and how they effect you gives you more options. With awareness, you can more easily choose how to respond.

Be Curious

Once you are aware of your perspective, then you can start exploring it. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • How did I come to see the world this way?
  • Does this remind me of something in my past?
  • Is this a pattern for me?
  • Is there another way to see this situation?

If you are having a moment, you know, the kind where everything is horrible, just think of something unique. You could imagine what the world would look like if you saw everything upside down. You could also visualize the most curiously creative animal you can imagine. For me, in the conversation I talked about earlier, a purple elephant with green wings was the visual that came to mind.

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The goal here is to shift the energy in your brain away from the limbic system and back to the prefrontal cortex. Without going into the neuropsychology behind it, this simple thought experiment will allow your brain to calm down for a minute. Of course, you could also try some deep breathing or meditation.

Be Open

The last step is very simple. Just try to be open to seeing things from a different perspective. Think about how someone else, with a different past, or different resources, might view the situation.

As you practice recognizing your perspective, you will learn how to easily shift into a more desired state of mind. Being open to exploring your own thoughts and reactions will naturally lead to more awareness and more choice.

Please Share and Comment

Have you noticed how easy it is to get stuck seeing the world through your own filters? Imagine what your life would be like if you could recognize the past experiences and internal beliefs that inform your view of the world? What if you could identify and neutralize some of your triggers? Well, you can. It just takes some practice.

If you found this practice helpful, share it with your friends.

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Awareness & Perception

Balancing Challenge and Support

Do you ever wonder why people do the things they do? In observing leaders, I have seen that the people who understand these ideas are able to effectively influence and lead a wide variety of people.

I’m sure you have questions of your own, but here are a few of the things that I wonder about. Why don’t people think for themselves instead of following the crowd or the media messages? Why don’t some parents show up for parent-teacher conferences? Why don’t many college students embrace self-directed learning? Why don’t all professionals engage in self-reflective practice? Why don’t professional development efforts focus on transformational learning rather than informational learning? You can find research saying that people should be doing these things, but research doesn’t always translate into practice.

Maybe we can learn to challenge and support the people around us in a more balanced way. Maybe we are all doing the best we can, based on our own understanding of the world. Is it possible that, just like children, adults are still learning how to navigate the world?

Children are fascinating. Their brains take in a large amount of information that they really have no pre-determined concepts for. Have you ever watched a little child who is just learning about animals? At first, they learn that a common four-legged animal is a dog. Then, they come across other four-legged animals and assume (rightfully so, based on their experiences) that these are also dogs.

As responsible adults, we correct them and tell them the correct name of each animal. Eventually, they learn what belongs in the category of “dog” and what does not. This is the process of assimilation and accommodation.

When children call a horse a dog, we think it’s cute, sweet, and innocent. When adults make similar judgments, also based on their current understanding of the world, we don’t think it’s very cute.

We tend to think adults should know things. Right? Some things are just common sense. Well, that’s not necessarily true. People see the world through their own unique blend of past experiences, relationships, and internalized categories.

We all do and say things based on how we understand the world. If we become curious about how other people see the world, maybe we can find more meaningful ways to connect and support.

A few years ago, I found the work of Robert Kegan. His research on adult development showed me a whole new way to view the reasons that people do the things they do.

Orders of Consciousness

Kegan

It’s All About Me – 2nd Order Consciousness

People who operate from this perspective are defined by their point of view, needs, and wants. They are able to recognize that others have needs and wants, but they cannot necessarily make decisions based on processing that one set of needs comes before the other. They do not recognize that they control their perspective. They tend to make decisions based on social perceptions, their own perceptions of situations, and impulses. Long-term planning and consequences are not heavily weighed.

How do you support people who are operating from this perspective?

  • provide non-judgmental assistance
  • ensure that the rules are fair
  • advocate for their needs
  • help them navigate complex systems
  • provide concrete information with real-life examples

We’ve Always Done It This Way – 3rd Order Consciousness

People who operate from this perspective are defined by their interpersonal relationships. They make decisions based on how it will impact their relationships with others. They are able to understand abstract concepts. These people can recognize and are impacted by their inner states; however, they are not yet able to modify their inner states or analyze their preferences. They tend to understand things from different points of view; however, there is still an emphasis on their perception being the right way of doing something. There is a focus on following rules, traditions, and norms.

How do you support people who are operating from this perspective?

  • encourage them to think about the reasons for their thoughts and feelings
  • show them that what needs to be done will benefit the people they care about
  • challenge them to see things from a different perspective
  • encourage journal-writing and self-reflection
  • help them see how new policies or procedures fit into the existing system

I Wonder What Would Happen If… – 4th Order Consciousness

People who operate from this perspective are defined by abstract systems, theories, or ideologies. They are able to recognize multiple relationships and roles within the social structure. They can reflect on their own actions and modify future behavior to achieve desired results. They tend to make decisions based on their consistency with an over-arching theory or ideology. They tend to think more along the lines of systems of interactions.

How do you support people who are operating from this perspective?

  • provide them with opportunities to explore how systems interact
  • encourage them to engage in ongoing self-reflection
  • help them figure out how to explain their thoughts to people who do not see the world through interrelated systems
  • convince them that what needs to be done fits within their existing beliefs
  • remind them that one order of consciousness is not better than another

Personal Application

There are many benefits to recognizing that people operate from different orders of consciousness.

  • We recognize that some things we expect people to do are not within their current ability.
  • We figure out what support people need in order to meet the challenges of daily life.
  • We develop more empathy and compassion for others.
  • We can create a wider variety of approaches for supporting others.
  • We learn that our way is only one way to see the world.
  • We find ways to continue our own personal development.

Please Share and Comment

Which order of consciousness best describes the way you interact with the world? Did you think of certain people who fit into the other two categories? Can you see how this information might be helpful in your life?

Categories
Awareness & Perception

How Are You Doing?

It’s common to walk past someone and say, “Hey, how are you?” Usually, we just keep walking without even waiting for an answer. I wonder if we ever ask ourselves how we are doing. When we do ask, do we stop to receive the answer?

Developing self-awareness will help you begin to recognize the things in your life that don’t serve your highest goals. Self-awareness will also alert you to subtle changes in your body, mind, and spirit before they become big problems. Ultimately, raising your awareness allows you to have more choices about how you will respond to anything in your life.

Over the past 15 years, I have been experimenting with different methods for raising awareness. I am much more aware now that I was back then, but I realize that it’s a life-long process. The best part is that once you learn the process, it typically takes less than a minute to check in with yourself. After a while, checking in with yourself will become a new habit. As one of my daughter’s favorite softball coaches, Megan Gant, says, “trust the process.”

When do you need to check in with yourself?

  • Right now!
  • Anytime you notice any intense emotions
  • Between tasks
  • At the red light or stop sign
  • Before any potentially stressful situation
  • Anytime you think about it

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Checking In

Check in with your body

Take a moment to notice your breathing. How does it feel? Is your breathing slow and deep or rapid and shallow? Do you notice the breath moving in and out of your nose? Do you notice your chest or stomach rising and falling with each breath?

Go through a quick scan of your body. Starting with your toes, bring your attention to each part of your body, all the way up to the top of your head. Did you notice any areas of tension? Are your shoulders tense or relaxed? How does your stomach feel? Are you holding any unnecessary tension anywhere in your body?

Check in with your mind

Noticing what you are thinking about is an interesting skill that seems to take some practice. Thoughts are very slippery. As soon as you recognize that you are thinking about something, it will likely shift to some other topic.

Just notice the thoughts for a moment. Is there a pattern? Are you reliving the past? Are you worrying about or planning for the future? Are you present, right here, right now? What are you saying to yourself?

Check in with your spirit

The spirit can be thought of as the part of us that incorporates our emotions, personality, spirituality, etc. It is something different than the intellectual mind.

This is the part people are asking about when they really want to know how you are. So, how are you feeling? Can you identify an emotion or two that come up for you right now? How is your connection with your spirituality? How is your motivation level? What about your stress level?

What now?

Think about how you truly feel right now. Take a minute to acknowledge and accept your current state, whatever it may be.

Read the list of suggestions below and try one that you think might work for you.

If you are feeling down and need some energy

  • do some physical activity: jumping jacks, speed walking, wall push-ups
  • get a drink of water
  • switch to a more interesting activity
  • take a nap or commit to getting better quality sleep

If you are feeling stressed, frustrated, angry, etc.

  • try belly breathing: focus on filling the belly with air on each inhale, keep the exhale slow and smooth
  • try extended exhale breathing: inhale for a count of 4, then exhale for a count of 6 or 8, whatever is comfortable for you
  • visualize someone or something you love
  • take a walk
  • of course, making a to-do list might be a good idea too

If you are feeling “just right”

  • remember this feeling so that you can access it again in the future
  • take a moment to be grateful for feeling good
  • maintain your awareness of your body, mind, and spirit throughout the day so you can notice anything that pulls you out of this state

Please Share and Comment

Have you tried this method of checking in with the body, mind, and spirit? Do you have any other methods for checking in and raising self-awareness? How could you benefit from increasing your own level of self-awareness?

Categories
Thoughts on Change

What is Dynamic Balance?

Dynamic balance is a term that is commonly used in physiology and mechanics. In the physical sense, it can be understood to mean that something is able to maintain balance while in motion or switching positions.

This can apply to the dynamic balance of a spinning top. It can also be seen in the dynamic balance of a yoga student standing on one leg in tree pose.

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When we break this term apart, we get two separate words with meanings of their own.

Dynamic (an adjective) – describes a process or system that is characterized by constant change, activity, or progress.

Balance (as a noun) – a condition in which different elements are in the correct proportions.

Balance (as a verb) – to keep or put something in a steady position so that it does not fall.

How does this relate to staying calm in the midst of chaos and change?

Applying the term dynamic balance to daily life, we come up with a system by which we keep ourselves in a steady state regardless of the chaos or change that is happening around us.

Sometimes staying steady is a good thing. Sometimes it’s not. With awareness and insight, you can determine when change is needed.

This site is dedicated to helping people understand the internal and external forces that can shift our balance.

There are simple tips, exercises, and questions that will allow you to see what keeps you balanced … and what might shift that balance in a more positive direction. You might decide that you like the state of balance that you are in. On the other hand, you might decide that you would like to shift the balance.

Maybe you want to find more peace and more freedom in your life. Maybe you will see the things you have been doing to hold yourself back from making the changes you truly want to make in your life.

Please Share and Comment

Are you interested in having more balance in your life? Can you see how it would benefit you to be able to stay calm and centered, even when things are shifting and spinning around you? What have you done to create more balance in your life?