Tag: self-awareness

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Awareness & Perception Mindfulness & Peacefulness

Shifting Shadows

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What if the doorway to lasting freedom, peace, and happiness was at the end of a long, dimly lit hallway? You can’t see the door, but you’ve heard that it’s there. All you can see are strange, shifting shadows. Some of these shadows are familiar, but others are not.

You look around and notice that there are openings along the hallway. The light through these openings is distorted, filtered, and sometimes even blocked by whatever is out there. You wonder what it is that’s causing these shadows because you know that you want to walk toward the doorway.

After thinking about it for a few minutes, you realize that these shadows are the only things between you and the opportunity to enjoy lasting freedom, peace, and happiness.

What would you do? 

I would have to ask myself a few questions. Are shadows really things? Do they have a substance? Can you touch them, hold them, weigh or measure them? How can a shadow stand between you and your opportunities?

This sounds like the beginning of a very interesting fictional story, but it isn’t. This is the story of our lives.

These shadows are real.

Shadows are the parts of ourselves that have been disowned, neglected, and pushed to the side. These are the parts that we learned were unacceptable because they didn’t fit with what our family or society wanted us to be. Maybe these are the parts of yourself that don’t fit with what you want to be or how you want others to see you.

The interesting thing is that we may not even be aware of some of these shadows in our personality.

Have you ever wondered why everyone is being so ____________?

Fill in the blank however you choose. Some people might fill in the blank with words like angry, impatient, greedy, rude, insensitive, etc.

For me, lately, I have wondered why everyone is being so illogical. Things are happening that seem to make no sense at all. There are processes that don’t work and policies that don’t accomplish the goal they were intended to accomplish. People are doing things that are truly out of line with what any logical person would understand to be the way the world should work.

Why is this a problem for me? It’s not because these people or their illogical actions and policies directly impact me. Honestly, it’s really not a problem for me personally. There is no logical reason why I should have an emotional reaction to these things.

Thankfully, I have been practicing meditation and am able to notice these reactions within myself. That doesn’t mean I don’t experience the emotions or react without thinking. In fact, I have watched myself rant and rave about some illogical action and then wondered why I am being so illogical. At least I am able to bring the light of awareness to these previously hidden aspects of my personality.

Do the ideas of shadow and light seem familiar?

We could go back to the Bible to find references to shadows and light. Think about the book of Job. It is full of shadow language. There are also references to finding protection in the shadow. This makes sense because sometimes our shadow can protect us from aspects of ourselves that are too painful to face right now.

“He uncovers the hidden dimensions from darkness, bringing what is in deep shadow into light.” – Job 12:22 (ISV)

Around the same time, the Chinese presented this concept of light and shadow in the Tao Te Ching. The text was written around 500 BC to provide instruction about how to find balance in all things, including the way to live a virtuous life.

“A being must carry the shadow to embrace the light, and blend these vital breaths to make harmony.” – Tao Te Ching

The concept of “shadow work” has been a part of psychology since the time of Jung. He described the shadow as the disowned part of the self. Jung even went as far as to say that we project our disowned parts onto other people.

“Unfortunately there can be no doubt that man is, on the whole, less good than he imagines himself or wants to be. Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” – Jung

Here’s where the work comes in.

So, following the logic of Jung, these emotional triggers may be aspects of our shadows. We see them in other people and situations rather than recognizing them in ourselves or allowing ourselves to experience and own them.

According to this framework, seeing illogical people, processes, and situations all around me and having a strong emotional reaction to these things indicates that I have some personal work to do in this area.

Why do I have work to do in this area? Because I don’t like being pushed around by thought processes and feelings that are not making my life better.

Because I choose to walk down the dimly lit, winding hallway, I choose to face the shadows and see what is creating them.

Ready to do some shadow work?

Here are some suggestions for those of you who are brave enough to look for the shadows, sit with the discomfort, and learn the lessons that are presented.

  • Approach this process with an attitude of curiosity
  • Accept that we (and others) are both light and shadow
  • Practice meditation
  • Figure out which people, places, and situations trigger strong emotions
  • Stop running from your shadow by distracting yourself, numbing yourself, and zoning out
  • When you find aspects of your shadow, bring the light of love to those parts of yourself
  • Practice self-compassion
  • Be patient with yourself as you develop the courage to sit with difficult emotions
  • Accept that sometimes we need a guide to point us in the right direction
Categories
Awareness & Perception

Four Tips for Riding the Wave of “13 Reasons Why”

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If you haven’t seen or heard of 13 Reasons Why, chances are you haven’t talked to enough teenagers over the past few weeks. This series, based on the book by Jay Asher, has become a powerful force in the lives of our young people. They are watching it, reading it, and talking about it. It is up to us, the adults, to guide this force toward good.

Take the expert guidance with a grain of salt

There have been numerous experts offering guidance about what we should do with all of the conversation around 13 Reasons Why. Some people are afraid of showing young people the reality of substance use, sexual assault, and suicide. Unfortunately, our young people already know this reality better than we do. Other people are upset that counselors are not portrayed in a positive light. Again, unfortunately, the reality is that not all counselors are sensitive to the subtle changes and signs in the young people they work with.

We need to remember that these experts have their own agendas. Some people avoid these conversations because of their own discomfort around mental health. Other people avoid the conversations because it’s easier to ignore something than to do anything about it.

Have the courage to engage in the conversation

So, what can we do? We can be prepared to have the difficult conversations around theses topics. We can even start these conversations if we are brave enough.

My plan was to engage adults around these topics to encourage others to talk to the young people under their guidance. I wasn’t actually planning to have one of these conversations in a large group setting. As life goes, my plans were subject to revision based on the needs of the people in front of me.

I went to class last week, planning to talk about therapy. It was the last night of my Intro to Psychology class. My PowerPoint and discussion questions were all ready to go. I even had a role play planned to highlight the process of active listening. As I started class, I asked my students how they were doing and if they had any questions about the reading.

My quiet class, the one that doesn’t talk very much, started with, “Can we talk about Hannah Baker?” I’m not sure how it would have gone if I didn’t know anything about Hannah Baker. Fortunately, I did. Of course, I was not really prepared to have a class discussion about Hannah Baker, but it seemed like something I could easily relate back to the topic of therapy.

Be prepared with a couple of talking points

Without giving you a play-by-play transcript of the discussion, I want to offer some tips about the topics that seem to be of interest.

Who is to blame for Hannah Baker’s suicide?

Students wanted to talk about what each character could have done differently. They all seemed to have a favorite character who shouldn’t have done something or should have done something. The person they didn’t focus on was Hannah Baker. Students seemed to understand that she was ultimately responsible for her own death, but needed guidance to talk about how she could have progressed through the series of events in a slightly different way.

What can you do to be a friend to someone who is hurting?

The goal of talking about blame is to point out that no one, in particular, is to blame. On the other hand, everyone played a role and could have played their role differently. There is great power in being a friend to someone in need. There is also power in listening attentively and watching closely when someone comes to you for help.

How are guilt and shame a part of this picture?

On the subject of blame, a related topic of shame played a huge role in Hannah’s suicide. From the initial picture that was sent around the school to the missed opportunity to save her friend from rape, Hannah experienced a lot of guilt and shame. Talking about these experiences is one way to alleviate the impact of guilt and shame.

How can we have honest conversations about difficult subjects?

When we can have conversations about things that hurt us or things we could have done differently, we find out that we are not alone. Everyone has done things they regret. Being honest enough to talk about these things could give a young person just enough mental and emotional space to reach out for help.

What if you just can’t have the conversation?

This series has the power to change the mental health landscape if we harness it and direct it in the right way. If you can’t have this conversation, but know it’s needed, reach out to someone who can. Find a counselor, psychologist, or another brave soul to talk to the young people you are responsible for guiding.

If we don’t harness the power of this movement and ride out this wave with them it may not have the positive impact that it could. In fact, it could actually lead to increased misunderstanding around mental health. Our young people could be left more confused than they are now. It’s up to us to guide the direction of this conversation from a place of greater perspective and deeper wisdom. Let’s not miss this valuable opportunity.

 

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Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

Stop Pushing the Same Rock Up the Same Hill

Do you ever find yourself feeling frustrated when you really want to feel fulfilled and happy? A few years ago, I was very frustrated with my job. I felt like I was close to getting burned out. I know all the signs, but that doesn’t mean that I’m immune to feeling easily fatigued, being short with people, thinking about other options, feeling hopeless that things will get better, and experiencing physical sickness.

No matter how hard I worked, I just couldn’t keep up. I felt like Sysiphus (from Greek mythology), pushing a rock up a hill each day only for it to roll back down again. Can you imagine how frustrating that felt?

I got into a bad habit of writing psychological reports at home and on the weekends. My health and relationships suffered. Finally, I realized that I needed to talk to someone because my best efforts were not making things better. In fact, it felt like what I was doing was making it worse.

I found a trusted mentor and asked for a few minutes of her time. She graciously listened without judgment, asked thoughtful questions, and shared some of her own experiences. By the time I left her office, I felt much better. Not only did she really listen, she connected with me right where I was.

That probably would have been enough, but she provided even more. She gave me a tool that completely changed the way I thought about my current job and my career as a whole. Without her guidance, I would have probably left education a long time ago.

The tool she introduced me to was the 5-year plan. I’m not new to planning. I had my future planned out when I was in middle school. Of course, my plan has changed a few times since then. But, the point is, I knew how to plan. And, I knew that having a plan made me feel safe and in control of my life.

So, I got started writing my plan. As she suggested, I included ideas for my professional development, ways to make my job more meaningful, and options for other jobs just in case things didn’t get better.

As I look back over that plan, I can see how much I’ve grown. I found ways to do my job better than ever before. I also discovered ways to prioritize activities to create space for things that felt more meaningful, like counseling and consultation. Now, I have the ability to complete the core functions of my job and still support students and teachers in a tangible and purposeful way. I realize there are still areas that I need to work on, but that’s how life goes. The best part is that having my options written on paper made me feel like I had more control over my life.

Research shows that people who feel an internal locus of control tend to be happier, less stressed, more likely to set and achieve goals, and enjoy better physical health. So, the point is this, if you don’t have a 5-year plan, then you should think about creating one. Why? Because it will give you something to work toward and allow you to feel more control over your life.

Most people think it takes too much time to write out a plan. The truth is that you can do this in just a few minutes. Deep down, we all know where we want to be in the next five years. Imagine how your life will be in five years if you keep doing what you are doing right now. Maybe it will be fabulous. Chances are, your life will be virtually the same as it is today unless you make a conscious effort to steer it in a specific direction.

I just wrote a new 5-year plan a few months ago. I review it at least once a week. So far, I’m moving in the direction of my plan. I can’t wait to look back over it in a few years. I have learned that setting and reviewing my goals helps me move in the direction of my dreams.

Even better, setting quarterly, monthly, weekly, and daily priorities helps me ensure that I am doing the daily practices that make the most difference. I periodically review my weekly and daily practices to see which activities are the most beneficial and which ones need to be deleted from my routine. This small investment of time has paid off. Now, I don’t feel as busy, and I’m getting more meaningful things done, both at work and at home.

Right now, I’m feeling very grateful for my trusted mentor taking a few minutes of her valuable time to listen and share. I have expressed my appreciation, but I don’t know if she truly knows how much she impacted my career and my life. Fortunately, this lovely lady is still in my life, so I have the opportunity to share my gratitude with her and continue learning from her vast experiences.

Categories
Awareness & Perception

Don’t Let Your Past Dictate Your Future


Have you heard the saying, “there are two sides to every story?” One of my students corrected me the other day. He informed me that there are at least three sides to every story: my side, your side, and the truth. I believe he was right.

Embracing the Story

Our memories are the stories we tell ourselves. These are stories of success and failure. They are stories of connection, compassion, guilt, and fear. Many of us rely on our memories to determine what we deserve to receive and what we are capable of accomplishing.

The way we interpret our stories is important because it can impact how we see ourselves and others. As we look back, we can reinterpret the meaning of our stories from where we are now.

Fictional Stories

It’s interesting to think about how we make memories. We typically believe that the way we experience an event and later recall that event is how it actually happened. Science tells us that’s not true.

Elizabeth Loftus is well-known for her research on false memories. She has learned that false memories are easily planted by asking questions or retelling events in a certain way. Loftus started asking questions with highly emotional words to see if that would change the person’s response. Guess what? It did. She also found out that sometimes counseling unintentionally plants false memories by asking leading questions.

That’s significant for all of us because we have conversations with ourselves about our past. Each time we retell the story, it tends to change slightly. When we tell the story to someone else, we might add a little here or leave out this little part over there. Knowing that we are all human, and prone to these same tendencies, this leads to the conclusion that some of our memories might be false memories. Honestly, I’m starting to believe that part of what we think we remember is fiction.

Interpreting the Story

Remember that everything is filtered through our expectations, previous experiences, and our current state of mind. That means our filters dictate what makes it into awareness and how we understand that information. If you are looking for people to be kind and compassionate, that is what you will tend to find.

It’s as if you have on special glasses that filter out the things you are not looking for and magnify the things you are looking for. Now, this doesn’t mean that everyone suddenly becomes kind and compassionate. What it means is that you are more likely to notice the nice things that people do, rather than focusing on the negative.

Our memories are just the stories we tell ourselves about our lives and how we came to be who we are. In the end, whether the memory is true or false, all of our memories combine to create the story of who we are and how we function in the world.

Editing the Story

That’s good news because it means that you control how you interpret the story of your past and create the story of your future. It’s time to let go of past stories that don’t serve your current and future goals. Sometimes that means you have to learn a lesson from that experience. Maybe it happened to teach you something about yourself or someone else, or about the world in general. Sometimes it means you have to practice forgiveness in order to move on. Whatever you need to do, letting the past hold you back is much worse than facing the past and reinterpreting it from your current position.

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Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

Confirmation Bias: The Power of Our Beliefs

Why take the time to figure out what we believe? Whether we are aware of them or not, our beliefs about a specific area can greatly impact the assumptions that support those beliefs and the values we hold that are based on those beliefs.

Our beliefs guide our thoughts and behaviors. We tend to look for or create situations that support what we believe to be true.

Just think about everyone’s favorite blue donkey, Eeyore. He seemed to always find himself in the worst situations. Do you remember all those times when it only rained on him?

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Sometimes I have all the best intentions but then fall back into an old habit. Usually, that happens when I have an underlying limiting belief about what I can or can’t do. When I think about my assumptions and beliefs, I can begin to see how I could be unconsciously sabotaging my own efforts.

Acknowledging and analyzing beliefs can help us figure out several things. For now, let’s focus on these two:

  • why we aren’t consistently doing the things we want to do
  • why we continue to do things we don’t want to do

Henry Ford said it best when he said, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t. You’re right.” Are there things that you believe you can or can’t do? Maybe you tried something one time and it didn’t go very well. Or maybe you thought about doing something different, but were told that you couldn’t do it. No matter how these limiting beliefs developed, now is a good time to reassess their truth and usefulness.

“Can”s and “Can’t”s: Internalized Beliefs

I have worked with many people who believe they can’t control their eating. They generally think that they are too weak or too emotional to choose the right food for their body. Usually, these limiting beliefs are related to their faulty assumptions about themselves, others, and/or the world.

Through individual coaching, I work with people to acknowledge and analyze their faulty assumptions and limiting beliefs. What I have seen is that people tend to pay attention to experiences that support what they already believe.

Science backs this up with studies about belief perseverance and the confirmation bias. Basically, these studies show that we more easily see things that are in line with our current beliefs.

Think about a time when you were in a really good mood. Maybe you woke up feeling energized, had the perfect cup of coffee, and got to work without struggling or rushing. However you achieved it, you were experiencing a higher than normal level of happiness. You probably noticed more people smiling at you. You might have even seen and taken advantage of additional opportunities that would increase your happiness. Maybe you noticed that the other drivers on the road were much more courteous to you.

Chances are, the external world was just the same as it has always been. The only difference was your perspective, which was based on your current filter of happiness.

This works the same with other things we believe about the world. If we believe that we can’t control our eating behavior, then we will see the world in a way that supports this belief. When we encounter a situation where we are tempted, we will fall back on habitual patterns instead of remembering the reasons we are choosing a different option. If we really believe that we can’t control our eating behavior, we may not even see the other options that are available to us.

If we believe that our current behaviors are protecting us or serving us in some way, we will continue to engage in those behaviors. There is a hidden logic to the way our brains work to protect us from perceived danger. Figuring out how you are unconsciously fulfilling your beliefs can make this hidden logic visible. Once you are aware of these beliefs, you are free to choose whether or not they need to be changed.

Acknowledging Our Beliefs

I believe that we can all choose to do things that are good for us. Acknowledging our beliefs is a good place to start. Once we know what we believe, we can test to see if those beliefs are true and helpful. We can also try out new beliefs that might be more productive.

Learning to let go of limiting beliefs is one of the keys to making positive changes and maintaining our motivation when it gets hard. If you want to explore your limiting beliefs, pick one thing that is not working well and explore your beliefs in that area. Watch your thoughts and behaviors in that specific area of your life.

These self-reflection questions are similar to the questions about faulty assumptions. The main difference is that we are now focusing on what you believe to be true, rather than what you assume that you, others, or the world should be or do. Beliefs are generally based on assumptions.

If you want to explore your limiting beliefs, ask yourself these questions:

  • Are there any patterns in my language that demonstrate what I believe? What do I repeatedly say to myself? What do I repeatedly say to others?
  • What are my “can”s, and “can’t”s?
  • Are these beliefs always true?
  • Are these beliefs currently helpful and productive?
  • What assumptions are holding up these beliefs? Are these assumptions still true, helpful, and productive?
  • Is there one belief that I could shift to something more helpful and productive?
  • What can I try over the next week that might allow me to see beyond my limiting beliefs?

Hopefully, these self-reflection questions will provide some insight about how limiting beliefs (and the underlying assumptions) contribute to our thoughts and behaviors.

Categories
Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

Backward Logic: Why who you are matters


The caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland asks Alice a very important question, “Who are you?” Alice can’t answer him. She doesn’t know who she is. Alice has experienced so many changes that she is no longer sure of anything.

I’ve asked people this same question. Their answers reveal a lot about what is important and what fuels their drive. Some people define themselves by their social roles (spouse, parent, friend), while other people define themselves by their career or interests. Most people don’t answer the question with statements of belief or value. How you answer the question can help you figure out a little more about yourself, including why you feel the way you do about your current situation.

Backward Logic: Have, Do, Be

Have you ever thought about the way most people approach their goals? I think about it all the time. I wonder why some people are able to achieve their goals with ease, but other people struggle to achieve any goals. I used to struggle with achieving goals. It was hard to set a goal and stick with it. I also struggled with what to do after I achieved a goal. Typically, I started planning my next goal as soon as the current goal was in sight. This kept me stuck in a cycle of constant striving without enjoying any sense of accomplishment.

After a lot of reading and thinking, I’ve started to believe that maybe we’ve been going at this the wrong way. Most people who struggle to achieve goals think they need to have something specific in order to finally be whatever it is they think they want to be.

The backward logic usually looks something like this: I want to have this thing, so I can do that, then I will be this.

I have done this many times with health, education, parenting, marriage, etc. I used to think I had to have all of the best parenting books and do all of the right things so that I would be a great mom. Do you know what I realized? My kids will love me regardless of what I do. I still want to do the best I can for my children, but my energy is no longer invested in learning all the right skills and doing all the right things. Now I am focused on being the best version of myself that I can be because I know that my daily actions and loving presence are more valuable than any parenting strategy.

Most recently, I thought I wanted to be a full-time college professor because I wanted to be more involved in research. I love to read research studies and apply them to everyday life. My love of research is part of the reason that I started this blog. I also enjoy asking questions and searching for answers. To me, that is the essence of research.

My backward logic was that I wanted to have the job, so I could read, apply, and conduct research studies, and then I would be more involved in research. That makes sense on the surface, but there’s another way to approach the situation.

Forward Logic: Am, Do, Have

Starting with the level of identity, we can quickly shift the process. Knowing who you are, including your gifts, strengths, and weaknesses allows you to move forward from where you are. It can be challenging to figure out who you really are in the sea of cultural expectations and media messages. Once you wade through all the noise, you can discover your own unique set of gifts and skills. But, you have to take time for self-awareness and self-reflection.

Here is the framework for this different kind of logic: I am this, so I will do this, and I will naturally have this.

In my situation, I flipped the process. I realized that I am involved in research now. I read and apply research studies while continuing my full-time school psychologist and part-time professor roles. Sometimes I get to research educational trends, such as meditation and resilience. I also try to stay up to date with the latest research on educational technology, Socratic questioning, and interactive teaching. I use this knowledge to become better at what I am already doing. Thinking about my current work in this way is similar to what Amy Wrzesniewski calls job crafting. She talks about ways to find purpose and meaning in any job.

This way of looking at the situation is powerful. With this view, I have the ability to see options that were previously outside my awareness. When I thought I had to have a specific job in order to do the things I wanted to do, I was a little frustrated. Now, I see more possibilities to use my interest in research to improve my performance in all areas.

I also have the freedom to choose my career path based on who I am and what I enjoy doing, rather than letting my preconceived idea of a job dictate my future.

Lessons Learned

I am still working through all of the implications of looking at life and goals this way. It’s very different from the typical goal-setting, constant achievement push that is so common in our world. So far, I’ve learned a few things:

  • “Who are you?” is a very important question. Most other factors rest on your understanding of your identity.
  • Achieving goals won’t necessarily give you happiness, or whatever else you thought you wanted.
  • Getting clear on the reason you want to achieve a goal can make a huge difference.
  • It is possible to make small changes in order to experience a greater sense of purpose and meaning in any job.
  • Sometimes the things that seem counterintuitive are the things you need to do first.

Are you ready to turn some of your logic around? Are you at the point where trying something new seems like the next right step? Coaching could help you clarify your identity, understand your goals, and figure out how to reach them.

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Thank you for your response. ✨

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Guided Meditation Mindfulness & Peacefulness

Guided Meditation: Progressive Muscle Relaxation

When I teach yoga, I always end the practice with progressive muscle relaxation. People usually love progressive muscle relaxation, even if they have a hard time with other forms of meditation.

This technique is so powerful that one of the softball players asked me to come home with her and do this every night as she’s going to bed. I couldn’t do that, but I can offer you this guided meditation.

Progressive muscle relaxation is good to use when your mind is so active that you just can’t focus on breathing. It also works as a nightly routine, especially if you have trouble sleeping.

After you practice this a few times, you will become more aware of the connection between your mind and body. Then you will be able to notice when you are tense and begin to relax on your own.

This technique is so simple, and I’m sure you can learn to do it. I hope you enjoy it!

 

Categories
Awareness & Perception

Work for the Cause, Not the Applause

Do you ever feel overworked, underpaid, or underappreciated? Most people have felt this way at one time or another. I have heard people describe it as swimming upstream, fighting a losing battle, chasing their tail, or running on fumes. These different ways of understanding our current reality can reveal a lot about our underlying values and current perspective.

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Our Perspective

If I were to ask you to think about an area of your life where you feel overworked or underappreciated, which area would it be? Would it be work, home, church, school, or friendships? Thinking about this area, what are your specific complaints?

Maybe you feel like you put in more effort than others. Maybe you believe that you are worth more than you currently receive. Maybe you think that people should recognize what you do and praise you for your contribution. These thoughts could be based on your assumptions about what others should be doing.

I can agree that it is difficult to keep putting forth your best effort when you don’t feel like others value your contribution. It would be nice if everyone put in the same amount of effort, received appropriate compensation for the value they contribute, and felt appreciated in all areas of life.

However, the truth is that we live in the real world. Things are not always going to be fair. Other people have their own perspectives and see the world through their own filters of assumptions, beliefs, and values.

Our Values

The more important factor here is that we can only control ourselves. Trying to convince people to change is typically a waste of time and energy. We have all heard the saying, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” Horses can be stubborn, but so can people.

So, how do we reconcile this situation? Like always, we focus on what we can change. If we step back from the situation, we can figure out our values in this specific area of life. Why are we doing what we are doing? Why do we keep going to work and putting forth our best effort? Why do we keep cleaning up the house, knowing it will be messy again tomorrow?

Is this something we really want to keep doing? Let’s be honest, sometimes we really are overworked and underappreciated. Maybe it’s time to step back and let someone else carry the load for a little while.

Align Our Values and Actions

Hopefully, we do these things for a reason that is bigger than applause or money. If we can see that our efforts are based on our values (not some external reward), then it becomes much easier to keep going. Knowing how to realign our values and shift our perspective can help us feel a little better about these situations.

I don’t know about you, but I do what I do because it aligns with my values. If my actions didn’t align with my values, I would consider finding something else to do with my time and energy.

However, there are times when I begin to feel overworked and underappreciated. When this happens, I remind myself of the reasons why I do what I do. For those who are interested, here are my beliefs, as I currently understand them.

  • I believe that it is important to give to others, based on what I have been given.
  • I believe that self-knowledge gives us greater flexibility.
  • I believe that awareness brings more opportunities for choice.
  • I believe that people make the best decisions they can make, based on their past experiences and future goals.
  • I believe that we are all more powerful than we realize.

 

 

Categories
Awareness & Perception Thoughts on Change

When you assume, you make…

When you assume, you make…

We all know how that statement usually ends, but do you know why assumptions are so important to our daily lives? The assumptions we hold about ourselves, others, and the world can make or break our efforts to live an authentic life and be the best version of ourselves that we can be. These assumptions also serve as the support structure for our beliefs and values. Starting with our assumptions, we can effectively shift our beliefs and values to more successfully support our goals.

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Have you ever asked yourself why you keep doing things that don’t move you in the direction of your goals? Sometimes I find myself stuck in a cycle of thinking about what I should or shouldn’t be thinking or doing. Or worse, thinking about what others should or shouldn’t be doing. This may seem like a productive thing to do, but it actually drains all of the energy that I could be using to create the outcomes I want.

There are ways to keep moving in a positive direction, starting with understanding our faulty assumptions. Once we understand ourselves a little more, we can more easily choose to see things differently and respond in a more helpful, productive way.

“Should”s and “Shouldn’t”s: Faulty Assumptions 

Our past experiences help us develop assumptions about ourselves, others, and the world in general. Some of these assumptions are adaptive and helpful. For instance, many people have learned that they should get up and go to work each day. That is helpful because (in the best situations) work makes you feel good about your contribution to the world, encourages personal growth, and allows you to pay your bills. Other assumptions are not as helpful and actually keep us stuck in dysfunctional thought processes.

Media Messages

For example, let’s think about the media messages regarding what it means to be a woman in today’s world. We are taught that women should be beautiful (but make it look effortless), submissive (but be able to stand on our own), smart (but not smarter than others), compassionate (but hold ourselves to a standard of perfection), and employed (but also take care of the family and home). It is almost impossible to balance all of these shoulds and maintain any sense of being centered and calm, much less live from a place that feels authentic.

I am sure there are plenty of other shoulds that our young women today have internalized from the popular culture. You can probably think of a much longer list than this one. For example, my daughter “should” be a straight “A” student and a superstar athlete.

If like my daughter, you have tried to master several domains, you are aware of how difficult it can be to give 100% in every area of life. Learning who we are, living from our authentic self, and practicing self-compassion can help keep things in balance.

I don’t mean to leave out the men. I know they receive cultural messages and have internalized faulty assumptions too. If you are male or have important men in your life, you can probably recognize some of the shoulds that they are expected to uphold…men should be strong (but also sensitive), hardworking (but also available for the family), independent (but just needy enough to build relationships), and powerful (but also protective of others). Again, this balance is almost impossible without a stable base of self-knowledge from which to live an authentic life.

Family and Friends

These media messages aren’t the only place (or even the first place) where we learn cultural standards that can lead to faulty assumptions. We can also internalize them from our family and friends.

Some of these assumptions come from things we learned during our childhood. During the first few years of life, we are dependent on our parents for everything. Our parents are responsible for keeping us alive and teaching us how to interact with the world.

If we have parents who are responsive and caring, we tend to learn that the world is a safe place where our needs can be met. If on the other hand, we have parents who are abusive or neglectful, then we tend to learn that the world is not a safe place. We may even come to believe that we have to always keep our guard up or that everyone is out to get us.

I know that some psychologists have been criticized for blaming everything on parents, but there is no way around the fact that our parents are the primary influence during our early development. In fact, childhood trauma is highly correlated with mental health and physical health, even into adulthood.

I am not saying that we can blame all of our bad habits on our parents. What I am saying is that when we can recognize these influences, then we can take responsibility for our current thoughts and behaviors.

Moving beyond the early influence of parents, we also learn some of our assumptions from interacting with our friends and acquaintances.

Think about a time when you received praise for doing something well or achieving a major goal. Maybe you spent a lot of time and effort working on your physical beauty through eating healthy and exercising. If you were repeatedly praised for these improvements, you may have internalized the message that you should be beautiful or thin in order to be worthy of love (or praise, or admiration, or acceptance, etc.).

Testing Our Assumptions

Basing our worth on fulfilling faulty assumptions is a dangerous way to live. It’s also a very tentative way of understanding our place in the world. Without self-knowledge, we are floating in the wind, going whichever way the winds of life blow us. We are left without a stable base from which to interact with the world.

Exploring our assumptions is a good way to gain self-knowledge. If you want to explore your faulty assumptions, try watching your thought patterns and habitual behaviors in a specific area of your life. Pick one area that is not working well and explore your assumptions in that area. Ask yourself these questions:

  • What messages have I received from the media about this area of life?
  • What are my “should”s and “shouldn’t”s about myself, others, and the world?
  • Complete this statement: In order to be worthy, I should…
  • Complete this statement: In order to be worthy, I shouldn’t…
  • What childhood experiences might be related to these faulty assumptions?
  • Were there times in my life where these assumptions were helpful or protective?
  • Are there any patterns in my language that could reveal my assumptions? What do I repeatedly say to myself? What do I repeatedly say to others?
  • Are these assumptions always true?
  • Have there been times when I didn’t follow these assumptions? How did it work out?

Hopefully, these self-reflection questions will provide you with some insight about how your faulty assumptions are contributing to your current thoughts and behaviors.

If you need individual guidance, contact me.

Categories
Awareness & Perception Mindfulness & Peacefulness

Being Gentle with Emotions

Is “sangry” a word? It depends on who you ask. My Gordon students and I decided that if “hangry” could be an adjective and “Google” could be a verb, then “sangry” should have a place at the table too. 

I needed this word a few days ago. I just could not figure out how I felt about a situation. Sometimes I witness situations that leave me feeling confused. This was one of those situations. Eventually, I decided that I was both sad and angry. 

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CDC and ACEs

A few years ago, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) studied the impact of adverse childhood events (ACEs) on health. So, what are these ACEs? In short, ACEs are traumatic events. The CDC looked at instances of physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, parental divorce, parental mental health, parental substance abuse, and parental incarceration. I think we could all agree that those would be considered traumatic events. Unfortunately, they are all too common.

Think about your own past. How many ACEs do you think you experienced growing up? If you are a teacher, think about the things that some of your more challenging students have experienced. Chances are, the ones who are the most difficult have experienced the most trauma through exposure to ACEs.

The CDC found that more than half of their sample experienced at least one ACE. Almost 25% had experienced three or more ACEs. They also found that people who experienced more ACEs also had more obesity, mental health issues, smoking, heart disease, liver disease, suicide attempts, and more.

ACEs and Thinking

When we are constantly exposed to traumatic experiences, our brains learn to operate in survival mode. Our amygdala is the part of the brain that is naturally alert to any sign of danger, but trauma exaggerates this natural protection response.

Think about the last time you were watching a scary movie. If someone touched you on your shoulder or knocked on the door, you probably jumped, or maybe you even screamed. Now, imagine if you walked around in that hyper-alert state all the time. That would make life a little more challenging, wouldn’t it?

Another challenge with operating in survival mode is that it diverts brain energy away from the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain that we use to think through things, plan our responses, monitor our behaviors, and delay gratification.

All of these functions are necessary to be successful in our daily lives. Unfortunately, when we are hijacked by the amygdala, our brains have a hard time doing anything besides focusing on keeping us safe and alive.

A Gentle Response

Knowing all this, how do we respond to people who are suffering from the effects of trauma or ACEs? Approaching the situation with gentleness seems like a good start.

Think about the last time you were upset, I mean really upset. Maybe you were very angry or frustrated or just extremely overwhelmed. Were you able to think rationally? Were you able to process the “if, then” statements or rational justifications from the people around you? Probably not. Most likely, you needed compassion first.

Being gentle with someone who is upset takes patience and compassion. In order to do this, we have to be able to take a step back and see the situation from their perspective. That’s not always easy to do, especially in the busyness of daily life. It can help to remember that they are probably confused, afraid, and extremely stressed.

Once the person is calm, then they can understand more rational logic. That’s when they can think about their actions and the consequences. While they are still upset, the only thing they can do is attempt to protect themselves, in whatever way they have learned. By balancing compassion and consequences, we can begin to help people move forward in a more resourceful manner.

So, from my perspective, my first goal when working with someone who is upset is to help them calm down. I will get on their level and ask them to breathe with me. I might even gently touch their hand or shoulder. I will definitely make sure my facial expression and tone of voice demonstrate compassion. Once they can think and speak clearly, I will use those fabulous active listening strategies. It takes a little extra effort to engage this way, but it’s worth it in the end.