Categories
Awareness & Perception

Change Your Beliefs, Change Your Destiny

Did you know that your beliefs determine your reality? Your brain takes information from your senses, combines those sensations with your memories, and double-checks all of that against your beliefs about yourself, others, and the world.

Your beliefs act like filters that let certain things in and keep other things out. Anything that aligns with your beliefs will be easily noticed and even appear to be more prevalent than it really is.

If something does not align with your existing beliefs you probably won’t even recognize it. It’s possible that you could feel a little cognitive dissonance, but most people dismiss this and move on.

What do you believe?

The first step in changing your beliefs is to figure out what you really believe. For many people, there is a big difference between what they say or think they believe and what they actually believe. The most obvious way to figure this out is to critically observe all forms of communication.

What do you hear yourself saying to others?

What do you often say to yourself?

What do you say about yourself?

What do you say about other individuals, groups, or organizations?

There isn’t an easy answer here. You have to take every thought and word captive. Analyzing these will reveal longstanding patterns that have been determining your thoughts and actions.

By noticing what you say, you will gain access to an aspect of your unconscious. You will expose the tape that continues to play on repeat.

This is powerful because most of our thoughts and reactions are determined before the prefrontal cortex has a chance to weigh the pros and cons.

Are these beliefs true and adaptive?

Byron Katie writes about four questions, which she calls The Work. These questions are so simple that they can be used with children. I have used these questions for several years and can attest to their validity. Here they are:

  1. Is it true?
  2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
  3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
  4. Who would you be without that thought?

Whenever a thought arises that seems to be troublesome, it should be subjected to these four questions. After the questions is the turnaround. If you haven’t seen her work before, I highly recommend looking up Byron Katie.

What beliefs would be more adaptive?

If you don’t like the way your life is going, change your beliefs.

This comes down to being aware of common thought patterns, noticing when they appear, and replacing them with thoughts that move you in the direction you want to go. Determine what you need to believe to achieve your goals and remind yourself of these things as often as possible.

Cautions

Learn to recognize and embrace cognitive dissonance. It’s that uncomfortable tension we feel when our beliefs and actions don’t align. It also shows up when we hold two competing beliefs or commitments.

Your replacement thoughts need to be things you can believe. Positive affirmations that are too far from your current reality will not ring true. Instead, they will cause your brain to defend against them, which will ultimately backfire.

Categories
Passion & Purpose Thoughts on Change

Speaking My Truth

Ryran keeps telling me that I have to write a book to explain what has changed in me over the past year. He talks to other political figures and business leaders who complain about going to functions alone because their spouses are very uncomfortable in social situations. I get it. People who are naturally social want to help their loved ones feel more comfortable around crowds.

I thought he might be on to something. I know I’ve changed a lot in a short period of time. I’m much more comfortable in social situations, sometimes too comfortable. I feel like I can speak my truth, even if others don’t agree or won’t like it.

The best part for me is that I sleep well knowing that I have shown up in the world as me. Whether people like me or not is their issue. I decided that I have to look in the mirror each morning and be comfortable with the fact that I am the same person in any situation. I am a congruent, whole, unique individual.

As much as I value my husband’s guidance, it really hit home when I was called into the Principal’s Office. Oh my! I never got in trouble in school, but sitting in that office used to make me very nervous, until about a year ago.

The Principal asked me outright about the changes in my personality. I thought about it for a few minutes and then I shared a couple of experiences that led up to the current version of Jessica.

My plan is to share those in more detail over the next few posts. Here is a very brief outline of what’s to come.

  • I started using Holosync, binaural beats audio for an hour every morning.
  • My OCU students told me that 50 is the best age to be. I decided not to wait until then.
  • I watched all of my communication (internal and external) and looked for my hidden beliefs.
  • I spent some time exploring my shadow aspects and the exiled parts of myself.
  • I determined what my core values were and got rid of the beliefs that did not align with those values.
  • I purposely changed the beliefs and behaviors that did not serve my ultimate life philosophy.
  • I studied NLP and became a Super Psych Ninja.
  • I decided that all people are just people, regardless of their position or title.
  • I learned that being called Dr. Traylor does not erase the normal human insecurities and doubts that every person faces.
  • I cut my hair.

If you’re dying to know more before I have a chance to write about these life lessons, feel free to contact me. Sharing my story helps me clarify the gaps.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I know there are plenty of other things you could be doing.

Categories
Uncategorized

Time and Effort and Priorities, oh my!

How do you respond when you are confronted with the fact that your actions do not line up with what you think you value?

For the past month or two I have been heavily involved with research and training about trauma-informed practice. The cliff-notes version is that most people have experienced traumatic events and those shape the way our brains respond to perceived threats.

Part of what I am seeing is that most of us see the need to acknowledge others as fellow humans, build community in our respective environments, and practice empathy with ourselves and others. So far, I’ve found three big barriers: time management, personal issues, and external expectations.

Over the past two weeks, several people have expressed to me that I am being too blunt. Ryla explained it to me like this, you say you like to jog outside but you don’t have time so you jog on the treadmill or don’t jog at all. Really, it doesn’t take much more time, it just takes a little more effort. She is always able to help me see myself more clearly. Thank God she’s kind and intelligent.

It’s important to me that I am empathetic and patient. Lately, I haven’t shown either of those to the people closest to me.

I think that I don’t have time to deal with illogical nonsense, explain obvious inconsistencies, or find a nice way to make a comment. Is that really it or is it that I don’t have the mental space to recognize that I need to make the effort to ask the right questions and respond from a place of compassion?

So, to Ryla, Stacy, Donna, and Kristen, I apologize for being blunt. It’s not you. It’s me. I’ll do better, I promise.

For everyone else, think about your values and priorities. If you find that your actions aren’t lining up with your values you may need to do some self-reflection. Here are a few questions to get you stared.

What are your top five values?

Do your actions let others know that those are your values?

How can you reframe the idea that you don’t have enough time into the idea that you may not be putting your effort in the right place?

Thanks for your time. If I can do anything to help you live your values, please let me know. Clearly, I’ll be speaking from experience.

Categories
Mindfulness & Peacefulness Thoughts on Change

Intentions for 2018

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What are your intentions for this year? New year, new you? Good luck with that.

My intentions are a little closer to where I am right now. New year, same me, different focus. I’ve learned that it is much easier to make incremental changes than it is to attempt an entire re-creation of myself.

Maybe you’re different. Maybe you can set a goal, do what you need to do, and mark it off the list.

For whatever reason, my past goals have been so far from my current position that sometimes I couldn’t really see how to get there from here. This year I’m trying something new. Instead of resolutions or goals, I have set intentions.

So, here we go…

I intend to be truly helpful

According to ACIM, there is a basic prayer that goes like this:

“I am here only to be truly helpful. I do not have to worry about what I say or do because He who sent me will direct me.”

I love this. All I have to do is align with my intention to be helpful. I can do that, most days.

I have used the extended version of this prayer in the past. It’s awesome. This prayer always puts me in the right mindset to provide the most loving support I can in any situation.

Surprisingly, sometimes that means keeping my mouth shut. Other times it means smiling and meeting people where they are at that moment.

I intend to remain in alignment with myself and with God

This one is a little more difficult, not because it’s truly harder, but because it requires a different type of dedication.

In order to remain in alignment, I have to be aware of how I am feeling at any given moment. I have to check in and see how something resonates deep inside of me.

If you’ve never been aware of experiencing this kind of resonance, it’s like looking out at the world and noticing that everything feels right. You didn’t do anything to make it feel right, it just does.

This year I want to notice that feeling more often. I also want to notice when things don’t feel right. I want to pay attention to my instincts or what we call our gut feelings.

When things don’t feel right, my plan is to find a thought or feeling that will bring me closer to alignment. I might not get there immediately, but any movement closer to alignment is better than a movement away from alignment.

The basic question here is this: Does this thought make me feel better or worse? If the thought is true and it makes me feel better, then we have a winner!

Self-reflection

So, what are your intentions for 2018? How do you intend to show up this year?

Categories
Awareness & Perception

Powerful Questions

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Can you remember the last time someone asked you a question that changed the way you see everything? Maybe this is the question that changes things. If not, maybe this post will encourage you to start looking for those questions.

There are some questions that can be answered rather quickly, usually with a yes or no response. For example, did you have a good day? Yes.

There are other questions that require more than yes or no but still lend themselves to fairly rote responses. What did you do today? I wrote a report, answered some emails, and talked to a few teachers.

These are the more common questions we encounter in our daily lives. But then there are other questions that can’t be answered so quickly or easily. These questions, if we sit with them, can change the way we see ourselves, others, and the world.

Right or Happy?

More than a decade ago my intern supervisor asked me one of these life-changing questions.

I suppose I was a little argumentative. My parents told me I was persistent. Regardless of how I label the behavior, I’m sure it looked the same from the outside.

I always thought that given enough time and evidence, I could convince others to see my perspective and understand that I was right. I would explain, give examples, and try to convince them. Eventually, my supervisor asked me if I would rather be right or happy.

I couldn’t understand why I had to choose. I wanted both.

Now I can see the wisdom in her question. Some things are not worth compromising my peace of mind. As I’ve grown, the line I draw in the sand has shifted.

Over the years I have come to see that her question can be used to realign my perspective with reality. It has also served as a measuring tool for where I am on my personal journey of spiritual growth.

Who’s Stuff?

One of the topics in psychology that has always fascinated me is projection. Basically, the teaching is that we take whatever is in us and project it onto others and the world in general.

For example, when I am having a great day and feeling good on the inside, people seem considerate and caring. The opposite is also true. When I am already feeling stressed or impatient, others seem to be more inconsiderate or even rude.

Another way to think about this is that we see what we are looking for. Yet another way to understand it is that we attract what we offer.

So, who’s stuff is this anyway? That’s the question I try to remember to ask myself.

When I am experiencing anxiety or anger I ask myself where it is coming from. Is this my emotion that I have suppressed or otherwise ignored? Is this a part of me that I am currently choosing not to recognize? Is it coming from somewhere else? Who’s anxiety or anger am I really feeling right now?

I’ve found that, at this point in my life, there isn’t always a clear answer. We are deeply connected to others on many levels so if we aren’t careful we can feel ourselves taking on the emotions of the people we are interacting with.

For instance, think about a time when someone told you about being so angry at someone for whatever they did. Do you remember feeling angry right along with them? Knowing where to draw those emotional and energetic boundaries is an important life lesson.

Sometimes it’s clearly someone else’s emotion, like anger, that they are projecting onto me. Those times are obvious. When the cashier seems to be rude for no apparent reason, that’s not my stuff. Knowing that allows me to respond with kindness rather than anger, most of the time.

In any case, taking the time to ask the question gives me a moment to clarify what I really feel. Lately, this has become an inner conversation about the facts of the event and the story I’ve told myself about it.

New Questions

Recently, a friend of my daughter asked me an interesting question. It was a very simple question on the surface, but it caused me to think deeply about something I had never considered.

She wanted to know the scariest thing I had learned about the brain. That’s simple enough, right? I know what the words mean…scarry…brain. But, I had never thought of them in relation to one another.

I would love to say that I gave her a profound response. I didn’t even have a response. I’m not sure how long I thought about it before I came up with something that I thought was half-way acceptable.

At that moment, the only thing that came to mind was the process of memory creation. It is scary that memories can be implanted by others.

There is a classic study about implanting memories of being lost at the mall as a child. Many people in the study came to believe that they had been lost at the mall, especially if they were told this by a trusted relative. The interesting part is that, to their knowledge, none of the study participants had actually been lost at the mall.

After I thought about the question a little more I have come up with a few other answers.

It’s scary that our brain has the power to create disease. It’s wonderful that it has the power to create health and relieve disease.

It’s scary that I am ultimately responsible for how I perceive and respond to myself and anything that happens in my life. It’s wonderful that I have the opportunity to reassess how I experience and participate in anything that does not serve my highest good and the good of those around me.

Even now, it’s obvious to me that this is one of those questions that I will continue to revisit for decades. I am so grateful for her insightful question.

The power in these questions is that they have the ability to show me what is important to me at this moment. They are wonderful tools for self-reflection.

Hopefully, I will be aware enough to continue asking myself these questions while also being open to any new life-changing questions that come my way.

Categories
Awareness & Perception Stress Management What I'm Reading

Stress is a Process

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“People are disturbed not by a thing, but by their perception of a thing.” — Epictetus

Stress is a process. Unfortunately, many of us don’t know how that process works in our own lives, much less where and how to intervene in order to change the outcome of the process.

Did you know that about 95% of people have experienced significant stress during the past month? What’s worse is that only about 5% of people believe they have tools or practices to manage psychological distress.

The National Institutes of Health recently hosted a Facebook live event (I know, crazy, right?) to address the current state of stress in our nation. The whole video is about an hour long, but the good stuff starts around 15 minutes in.

A Nation Under Pressure: The Public Health Consequences of Stress in America

Former Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy talks about his concerns regarding the impact of stress on our nation. I agree. Stress is a major problem in our society for people in all age groups.

What is happening in our society?

Everything seems to be moving very fast.

There are demands on our time and pressures to do more. We try to multitask because our technology allows that. The problem is that multitasking adds to the stress and decreases our performance.

There are more pressures to be constantly available through technology.

When was the last time you stepped away from your cell phone…on purpose? I’m not talking about that time you accidentally forgot your phone when you were going outside to feed the dog or check the mail.

I’m talking about putting your phone on the counter, walking out the door, and doing something by yourself or with the real people who are with you.

There are multi-faceted issues with health that can impact our stress.

Health is a tricky one because stress is a factor in the development of many chronic diseases and health problems increase stress. So, we have a vicious cycle where stress is a cause and a consequence of health problems.

Knowing this, should stress management be part of the treatment for health conditions? Research says that it can and should. There have been reports of stress management techniques resulting in decreased inflammation, faster healing, decreased pain perception, and greater general well-being.

Why does it matter?

The biggest reason this is important to me is that I cannot give my family, friends, colleagues, or students anything that I do not have.

If I want my children to learn to manage their stress, then I need to learn to manage my stress. If I want my students to understand the importance of sleep and mindfulness, then I need to practice those things in my own life.

The other reason this is important to me is more of a selfish reason. I really love to interact with people who are calm, focused, and productive. It’s a lot of work to put up emotional shields to block out the stress and negativity that come from other people. Fortunately, I’ve learned how to do that, but I would rather not have to.

When we are able to manage our own stress, then we are able to see others more clearly. We are less likely to react and more likely to respond. The people around us can see and feel the difference.

What can we do?

  • Slow down: The world will keep spinning, even if you stand still.
  • Check in: What is happening in your body right now? Do you feel any areas of tension? What is going through your mind? Is this a repetitive thought that is related to a stressful or stress-inducing pattern?
  • Connect with real people: Deep social connection is one of the biggest factors in long-term stress management and psychological wellbeing.
  • Exercise: yoga, tai chi, qi gong, running, walking, etc.
  • Go outside: Spending time in nature can help us slow down and reset our natural rhythms.
  • Sleep: Getting enough good quality sleep can allow your body and mind to recover, which will allow you to better manage stress.
  • Journal: Writing down your concerns at the end of each day will help you sleep better. You can also use journaling to “counsel” yourself by asking self-reflective questions.
    • Where did this come from?
    • What else could this mean?
    • Is this part of a bigger pattern in my life?
    • What has worked in the past?
    • How is this serving me?
    • What other options do I have?
    • Who can help me with this?
  • Meditate or practice mindfulness: Meditation increases awareness, which increases choice. Being aware of more choices allows for more adaptive, effective actions.

Additional Resources

The Art of Stopping Time: This is a great book by Dr. Pedram Shojai. It includes simple practices that can be done very quickly. The idea is that by the end of the book you will find a few practices that allow you to become more efficient and reclaim some of your time.

The American Institute of Stress (AIS): According to AIS, the top five stressors are job pressure, money, health, relationships, and poor nutrition. In addition to research, the website offers a wealth of resources including several self-assessment stress quizzes.

The National Center for Complementary and Integrative Medicine (NCCIH): This website is a division of the National Institutes of Health. You will find information about the relationship between stress and health, natural strategies to relieve stress, and current research on the topic of stress management.

Categories
Sports Psychology

Setback or Step Up: Does Your Team Have What it Takes to Overcome Challenges?

The pressure is on and your team is down by seven. It’s time to make a choice. Do you fight to win or give up hope? Is your team resilient? Before you think this doesn’t apply to you, let’s explore what I mean by “team.”

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What is a Team?

Team: A Group of People Organized to Accomplish a Specific Goal

Chances are that you are part of many different teams right now. Most of us belong to a family. We work with other people on almost all jobs in today’s society. Some of us even play on sports teams or have athletic children.

If you think about all of the connections in your life, you will likely find that your days are filled with teams of people. Your successes and failures are supported or hindered by the performance of the various teams that make up your life.

Resilience: Bouncing Back

The ability to bounce back from a challenging situation is a necessary life skill. In psychology, we have been studying individual resilience for decades. People who are more resilient tend to be more satisfied with life and have fewer health concerns.

When we apply individual resilience to teams we get a whole new concept. You can’t simply take the ability of each person and think you have your answer. Team resilience is not like addition; it’s more like multiplication on good days and division on bad days.

There are social interactions at play within teams. Whether we know it or not, our thoughts, emotions, and actions are often influenced by those around us.

Team Mentality

As we become more involved with our team, it gets harder to separate our own emotions from the emotions of the team. When one person is having a bad day, it seems to spread to others. On the ball field, we say that errors are contagious.

The good thing is that positivity is contagious too. Have you ever watched a team and noticed the momentum shift? It’s that moment where you start to feel chill bumps on your skin. The players are in the zone. They are confident and ready to respond to whatever comes next. If you’re close enough, you can even see it in their eyes. They are completely absorbed in the moment.

Sometimes the momentum shifts back the other direction. That’s when you can see how strong your team really is. At that point, it’s not about athletic ability or technical skill. When your team is down it’s about finding the emotional resilience and mental strength to fight back.

Setback or Step Up

I’m not an athlete, but I am the wife and mother of athletes. I don’t have direct experience playing sports (besides one softball season which didn’t go well), but I do have the ability to read research studies and translate them into real-life applications.

So, to help me understand what is happening with teams, I turned to the research. Based on what I could find, resilient teams, those that can bounce back from a setback, have several things in common.

There is no “I” in “team”

Resilient teams are made up of individuals who feel connected to their teammates. They trust that they are all working toward a common goal. When one teammate is struggling, the others pick them up. They remind each other of the ultimate goal. No one person takes responsibility for the wins or losses.

There are group norms and processes. Everyone is expected to uphold the standards established by the group. If one person is expected to do it, then everyone is expected to do it. These shared norms and processes give team members a sense of purpose and belonging, even in difficult times.

Progress, not perfection

Teams that use challenges as an opportunity to improve are better able to bounce back in the future. On every team, there comes a time when what we have been doing isn’t working anymore. At that time, we have the opportunity to adapt and improve. Teams can take a step back and determine any needed changes to their attitudes or activities.

Some resilient teams are even able to structure their workflow to obtain consistent growth outcomes. These teams set goals to overcome previous limitations. Even if the ultimate big picture goal is not achieved, having a sense of progress keeps the team motivated to move forward together.

Shared stories and beliefs

Resilient teams share stories of past victories and defeats. They remind each other of where they have come from and where they are going.

There is a collective vision of the future, which includes more than external trophies. While it’s nice to receive a reward for hard work, resilient teams work for more than that. Their shared vision includes emotional connections that keep the team pulling together rather than growing apart.

For resilient teams, it’s more about the heart than the how. Their primary focus is on their intentions. They intend to finish strong together. They believe that they have what it takes to be successful. Even though they may not see how they still believe that they have what it takes.

What About The Fans?

So, what can you do from outside the fence? That’s where I find myself on many occasions. Whether I’m coaching teachers before a difficult meeting or supporting my favorite sports teams, I’m frequently outside the fence.

Here are a couple of strategies that I’ve found to encourage team resilience from the outside:

  • Encourage a positive outlook
    • Help them build a positive vision of the future.
    • Remind them of times they were successful.
    • Sandwich constructive criticism between positive comments.
    • If you must assume something (someone’s motives, possible outcomes, etc.) try to assume the most compassionate version of the story. Maybe it really wasn’t about you. Maybe that person was just having a bad day.
  • Encourage self-awareness
    • Ask for stories about a time when the team was successful.
    • Discuss what they were thinking about when specific things happened.
    • Help them understand the real reasons behind why they thought, felt, or acted a certain way in a specific situation.
    • Ask about how they recently encouraged a teammate or were encouraged by a teammate.
  • See the best in everyone
    • Cheer for all team members.
    • Don’t talk negatively about any member of the team.
    • If you have a concern, talk to the person rather than about them.
    • Remember that when one person is down, it usually brings down the whole team.
Categories
Awareness & Perception Mindfulness & Peacefulness

I’ll Be Happy When…

I’ll be happy when I’m 25. Then I will be out of college, married, and have a stable career. That seems crazy, right? Well, in my 17-year-old mind, it seemed like a logical conclusion. I thought that adults had it all figured out.

The age of 25 came and went. I achieved those goals, but I still had not found that elusive thing called happiness. Maybe I’m the only one who decided that I’ll be happy when I reach some goal or achievement, but I doubt it.

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Temporary Happiness

In one way or another, we are all looking for happiness. The word means different things to different people. Some people believe that joy comes from having a certain amount of money or things. Other people think they will be happy when they are at their ideal weight or fitness level. Or, my favorite, we wait all week for the weekend so we can relax and enjoy our time.

The list could go on and on. I’m sure you can think of many other criteria we place on happiness.

The sad part is that these things rarely, if ever, fulfill us. It’s nice to have enough money to pay your bills, but researchers have found that beyond providing a comfortable life, more money does not necessarily bring more happiness.

The same logic applies to weight loss or fitness goals. They might provide a temporary feeling of happiness, but we usually find ourselves back in our old habitual patterns, judging ourselves and never measuring up.

Inevitably, we find ourselves doing the same things and getting the same results.

We Deserve to Feel Happiness

When you’re a psychologist/professor/coach/yoga teacher, people expect you to have all the answers, but sometimes you’re so busy and stressed that you end up sitting on the bathroom floor crying because you can’t remember your son’s field day t-shirt. That’s when you know something’s got to change.

That’s what happened to me a few years ago. I used to be very perfectionistic. I would run around all the time making sure everything was done and done right. People would always say things like, “you’re a human being, not a human doing.” Somehow, I thought that if I kept myself busy doing everything that one day I would do enough to deserve to be happy.

I couldn’t sit down and be happy if there was laundry to fold or dishes in the sink. Wives and mothers are supposed to keep the house clean, right? Going outside for a leisurely walk to look at flowers and butterflies was completely out of the question. If I was going to put on tennis shoes, then I was going jogging. Otherwise, there were things that needed to be done in the house.

I couldn’t allow myself to do something that made me happy if there was anything left that needed to be done. Unfortunately, there never came a time when everything was done.

Being Productively Unproductive

After more than a decade of practicing yoga and meditation, if finally made sense. I had to slow down. Being still was productive. What did it produce? Well, for starters, true happiness.

When I found a consistent morning routine, my entire outlook on life changed. It started out small. At first, I was just sitting in silence for five minutes each morning. That’s not much time, but it’s enough to create a habit. Once I was able to watch my thoughts in meditation, I noticed that I was becoming more aware of my thoughts when I wasn’t meditating.

I started to notice how many things I was doing at the same time. I was very productive. If you look at my computer right now, you will see a couple of tabs open, but that’s nothing compared to what I used to do. At one point, I was writing reports, checking email, listening to a webinar, and preparing a presentation within the same timeframe. I would switch back and forth between tasks because I didn’t have time to wait for the computer to save my current draft or load a new website. Yes, I was very productive, but I was also very stressed.

After I had enough awareness to notice how this extreme level of productivity was increasing my stress, I realized that I needed to make another change.

Do What You’re Doing

The next small change I made was to practice monotasking. That’s a fancy word for doing one thing at a time. I still think it’s crazy that we live in a world where we need a word such as monotasking, much less that it’s something I found myself in need of practicing.

I’m still not great at monotasking, but I try. If I am working on an email and a teacher walks into my office, I will stop what I am doing and shift my focus to whatever they need to talk about. I do the same thing with my kids. When I talk to them, I stop and focus on them. I look in their eyes and try to feel what they are saying.

I realized that I needed to actually do what I was doing. If my mind was split between several different activities, none of them got my full attention.

Finding Your Happy Place

Now my morning routine involves meditation, yoga, and journaling. If I only have time for one of the three, I always choose meditation.

Why? Because on the days I don’t meditate, my life doesn’t quite work right. Something just feels off. I’m more easily annoyed. Little things feel like giant stressors. I am less connected to my family, friends, co-workers, and students. The quality of my work suffers.

I have finally found a routine that works. With meditation, I realized that I can find my happy place everywhere I go.

Meditation might not be what helps you find happiness. For most people, meditation is a tool to increase awareness. You can begin today by becoming aware of what people, experiences, and activities make you happy.

Bonus: Download your free happiness checklist now. Click here to get it

Categories
Awareness & Perception

Which Weeds Are You Watering?

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Which weeds are you watering? Notice the wording of the question. It doesn’t ask if you are watering weeds. The question assumes that you are watering weeds. It doesn’t imply that you should or shouldn’t be watering weeds. That is up to you to figure out. The question simply asks for awareness of, and self-reflection on, what you are watering.

We all water weeds, both in our gardens and in our lives.

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to have more time than you do? How can they work fulltime, attend their kids’ games, and still find time to take care of their physical and mental health? How do they run a company, help their kids with homework, teach Sunday school, and still make it to the gym?

Best of all, how do they do all of this without losing their peace of mind and even staying calm in the chaos of life? 

It’s easy to see that we all have 24 hours each day, but some people seem to be able to stretch those hours. That’s because these people have figured out how to stop watering the weeds. 

They spend their time and energy on the things that matter.

I recently watched The Art of Stopping Time by Pedram Shojai. It was a short video packed with a ton of wisdom. During the first 10-15 minutes of the video, Shojai relates our lives to a garden. In this analogy, he talks about the importance of identifying which five plants we really want in our garden and which weeds we keep watering.

This concept of the life garden (along with many, many other insightful concepts) is included on his website, podcast, and book: The Urban Monk.

One of the benefits of teaching Introduction to Psychology is that I get to touch on many interesting topics. There are many ways to address the ideas of consciousness and attention. Keeping in mind that one of my goals as an educator is to provide my students with things they can apply to daily life, I asked them to consciously consider how they spend their time and energy.

Many of my students are still trying to figure out how to balance the new freedom of college with the concept of deadlines. They struggle to understand why they can’t really multitask even though they think they should be able to. Some of them don’t know where their time goes each day. Now that I write it out, that sounds a lot like many adults I know, except for the “new freedom” part.

Anyway, as usual, I was impressed with their responses. They could clearly articulate what was important in their lives. They talked openly about the unnecessary things they continued to spend time and energy on. Honestly, my students gave most of the same answers that I would have given.

The most insightful part was our discussion about what to do about this new self-discovery. It’s one thing to acknowledge what is important and admit that you are not as focused on those things as you would like to be. It is an entirely different thing to be able to articulate and execute a plan to close the gap.

As you look over their list, think about your own life garden.

Top 10 Plants – Important to Us

  1. Family
  2. School
  3. Friends
  4. Work
  5. Spiritual
  6. Sports/Exercise
  7. Self-care
  8. Happiness
  9. Health
  10. Responsibilities

Top 10 Weeds – Waste of Time/Energy

  1. Social Media
  2. Phone
  3. Stress/Anxiety/Overthinking
  4. TV/Movies
  5. Procrastination
  6. Shopping
  7. Sugar
  8. Social Activities
  9. Multitasking
  10. Saying “yes” to Everything

So, what’s the solution?

The first step is self-reflection. We need to reflect on what is truly important. Whatever they are, it’s your life, they’re your priorities. Maybe they aren’t the same as someone else’s. That’s fine. After all, you are the one who will answer for your life choices.

Next, we have to take an honest look at our lives and see where our time and energy are going. This doesn’t have to be a minute-by-minute accounting ledger. It can be as easy as looking back over the day to see what you actually spent time doing or thinking about.

Then, we need to assess whether or not our time and energy are going toward the things that we identified as priorities. This is probably the easiest part of the entire process. I said it was important, and either I did it or I didn’t.

Now, here comes the hard part. This is where we figure out how to stop watering the weeds and start focusing on what’s important. For some people, it will be as easy as deleting some apps on their phones. For others, it might mean scheduling time for the things that are important…and actually sticking to it.

Here are a couple of self-reflection questions that have helped me.

  • Based on Shojai’s analogy, which five plants do you want in your garden? How much time and energy do those five plants need?
  • What weeds do you continue to water?
  • Why do you continue to water each of these weeds? What needs do they fulfill? Do they provide you with companionship, belonging, safety, or love? Or do they simply serve as a distraction from the hard work of life?
  • Can you think of an easy way to hold yourself accountable?
  • Do you journal? Maybe a daily journal practice will help keep account of your time and energy.
  • Could these priorities be written as goals?
  • Do you keep track of progress toward your goals?
  • How can saying yes to one thing mean saying no to other things?
  • How does all of this relate to procrastination and prioritization?

If you are concerned about the time you spend on social media or your phone, try downloading an app to help monitor your usage. Two apps that I know of are Moment and BreakFree. Who knows, getting a handle on this one area may help control the growth of the other weeds like stress, procrastination, and multitasking.

If you are interested in learning more about how to stop time, click on the link to register for access to the free video by Pedram Shojai: http://urltag.net/BqnhV

Categories
Awareness & Perception Mindfulness & Peacefulness

Shadow Boxing

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In the previous post, Shifting Shadows, I wrote about how we can identify and work with our own shadows. In essence, the shadow is composed of those parts of our personality that we hide from the world and possibly from ourselves.

For some people, the shadow has characteristics of extreme anger, jealousy, greed, neediness, ignorance, etc. Regardless of what parts of yourself have been deemed unacceptable by you or by society, if they are part of you then they are still there…lurking in the shadows.

Others Have Shadows Too

Since we don’t live in this world alone, it stands to reason that we will interact with other people. Guess what those people have? They have shadows too.

How do we know if we are interacting with repressed, unowned parts of another person? Well, sometimes we won’t know. Sometimes there is no way to tell what is happening with the other person. But, there are a few clues that can point us in the right direction.

  1. Defensiveness – Look for unprovoked defensive responses. Typically, you will notice repeated efforts to explain, defend, or deny an action. Some people even try to shift the blame when they become defensive.
  2. Emotionality – Pay attention to the times when people become overly emotional. They may be having a bad day, but they may also be unconsciously acting out aspects of their shadow.
  3. Projection – Sometimes people will unconsciously attribute their unwanted emotions or beliefs onto others. Look for times when someone may be asking you why you are so angry (replace with any other emotion/behavior/belief) or treating you like you are angry, but you truly know that you are not angry. This is an indication that they are unconsciously projecting this onto you.

Bill Harris, the founder of Centerpointe Research Institute, loves to say that awareness brings choice. When you are aware of your own personality and are able to watch yourself interact with others, then you can begin to recognize their shadows too.

Until you are able to wake up and increase your awareness of your own thoughts and feelings, then you will not be able to effectively distinguish between your shadow and someone else’s shadow.

How to Stop Shadow Boxing

It’s great to be able to recognize when you might be interacting with aspects of someone’s shadow. Now that we think we know what’s happening, what do we do?

We have a couple of options.

  1. Keep shadow boxing – You know how this feels. At the end of the interaction, you feel exhausted and frustrated. Nothing was accomplished. Noone learned anything or came to any new conclusions. Someone’s feelings got hurt. Noone grew emotionally or spiritually.
  2. Treat them with kindness – If you have enough awareness to realize this is happening, then you have the ability to choose a different response. Because you were once, probably not too long ago, where they are, you know how hard it can be to identify and reintegrate your shadow.
  3. Walk away – Sometimes it’s just easier to walk away from the person or situation. There will be days when you don’t have the awareness, inner balance, or emotional resilience to find kindness for this person. Dodging their attacks might be better for you both in the long run. This may seem like taking the easy way out. And it might be. But, sometimes easy is a good thing.

Regardless of which option you choose each day, the best part is knowing that when you are awake and aware, then you have a choice. But, be patient with yourself. We all fall asleep sometimes, right?